Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Living apart together with children

39 replies

reb3l · 20/07/2021 16:08

Has anyone heard of the term living apart together? It's where you're in a relationship but live in separate houses for the long term. I'm currently married with two young children and do not want to divorce my husband, but I desperately want my own home. The majority of our issues I feel would be resolved if we didn't live together. I'm not tidy enough for him, he's not clean enough for me, he's always eating my snacks etc. But even that aside, I just want my own place. To come home knowing everything is where I left it, to be decorated how I want etc. Financially it's viable, and I would aim to get two houses on the same street. I imagine we'd have dinner together every night and get together a couple of times a week for taking the kids out/date night etc. The kids would have bedrooms at each house. I just wondered if anyone had this very unconventional arrangement and how they make it work? Or if anyone foresees issues or even positives?

OP posts:

Topofthepopicles · 20/07/2021 16:10

Sounds nice if you can afford it, go for it

NautaOcts · 20/07/2021 16:13

I’m not sure how nice it would be for the children to have two bedrooms to be honest
If you can afford two family sized houses can’t you use the that money to get a spacious enough house that you can both have your own spaces within it? But it’s the kid’s single home

Tiw8 · 20/07/2021 16:14

It would work for me. In fact, if I don’t decide to have another serious relationship then it’s the only thing that would work. I would say kids are better in one hone though. Why do they need bedrooms in two houses? Wouldn’t it be easier just keeping them in their main home and if you want to go out, dad watches them at yours. How old are they?

Tiw8 · 20/07/2021 16:14

Do decide

MichelleScarn · 20/07/2021 16:15

@Topofthepopicles

Sounds nice if you can afford it, go for it

Absolutely! If you can independently afford it go for it!

Sakurami · 20/07/2021 16:15

I don't see the problem and I bet quite a few relationships would be saved if they moved to this model!

ohfuckitall · 20/07/2021 16:19

I think the phrase is living together apart?

Well it will only work if your husband wants it too.

I do think that the problems in a relationship are not about the surface issues though, (tidiness, snack eating). The relationship problems are caused by how those issues are discussed and resolved in the relationship. If they cannot be resolved constructively then that belies deeper problems. If you actually have to move to separate houses to remove those problems then I think there are serious underlying problems in your relationship.

Gottman in his book 7 Principles of a successful marriage describes how he can now predict with something like 80% accuracy whether a relationship will survive by 15 mins of footage of them discussing an issue they disagree on. I doubt you would be one of the couples he concludes will survive.

I think you would be better off reading that book (all based on research) and reflecting than moving house. It'll be substantially cheaper. too.

Anniissa · 20/07/2021 16:23

Would your husband be happy with your imagined plan? If he is on board then I guess it could work if financially viable but I think it could be very confusing for the children. I can understand why this might be a good solution for parents in relationships who don’t want to blend their families while the kids are small but otherwise I fear it would just be a slow death of the relationship as you have ever more separate lives.

Original poster

reb3l · 20/07/2021 16:47

Re a big enough spacious house to accommodate separate living spaces, it's just not enough for me. I know in my gut I want my own place otherwise we will result in divorce.

Re underlying issues around how we communicate about our problems, yes I think our communication could do with improving but i think no matter how kindly, politely, respectfully we discuss these issues, I truly feel we are best suited to separate houses.

Thanks for the opinions re having just the one set of bedrooms. I just thought that if they had rooms at their Dads then they could come and go as they please but it would appear it's best for them to have one base most likely in my home?

Does anyone know if this setup could have any kind of detrimental psychological issues for our children at all?

OP posts:

rattlemehearties · 20/07/2021 16:50

This sounds very confusing for the kids. Can you get a much bigger house with your own (huge) bedroom within your budget? You mention having family meals together etc but do you and your DH ever want time alone together? What about sex? If not, why not get divorced?

Misty9 · 20/07/2021 16:55

Me and exh basically do this, but are divorced. The dc have rooms in each house and belongings are large duplicated. I'd say it's the best arrangement it can be for them, and the only thing they vocalise as a negative effect is missing the other parent when away. They say they like having two homes! But we are very amicable and they regularly see us talking at handovers etc.

What does your husband think, would be my first port of call.

ohfuckitall · 20/07/2021 16:59

You are misunderstanding me. It is not just about how you communicate your disagreements. Its just not true that marriages in trouble are just about ' how you communicate'. Its a much deeper problem than that.

Things like him eating your snacks - that's not about the snack eating. Him continuing to eat your snacks is not to do with a communication failure of yours. The factor that is causing him to continue to eat your snacks when you don't like it will emerge in other issues regardless of the house you are each living in.

NakedAttraction · 20/07/2021 17:02

Sounds like an excellent way to totally fuck up your kids.

NakedAttraction · 20/07/2021 17:04

Does anyone know if this setup could have any kind of detrimental psychological issues for our children at all?

Fucking hell. You almost had me until this comment.

Grenola · 20/07/2021 17:08

We explored this option, and after months of thinking and discussing decided it was quite selfish... As the benefits would be for us and not the kids. And actually the negative impact on the kids was worse than habu g slightly happier parents. But maybe if we had lots of money and could afford two family style homes then it could. Work....?
Our kids re 9,5 and 4 youngest disabled.

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 17:09

I think the issue is likely to be your partner wanting this as well. If they don’t 100% want to live apart together then it won’t work.

Also not to be a Debbie downer but are you sure that this isn’t just a stepping stone to separating, because making the decision to separate is difficult? (Just a thought I realise I might be way off base)

name6785 · 20/07/2021 17:10

I'm living apart from DH in the week temporarily due to his work, been doing it since March, soon to end. It's awful for the kids, they miss him so much, as do I. I'm really struggling to understand how it would be an advantageous position if you genuinely love each other. If the relationship isn't working, just split up, it'll be clearer for the kids.

Mn753 · 20/07/2021 17:10

What about an annexe? Or a daily housekeeper?

Daydrambeliever · 20/07/2021 17:20

Why would the children be better off moving to ”your house” when they are already happy in their ”own house”.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 20/07/2021 17:26

I have this set up, it works perfectly for us. Daughter loves having 2 bedrooms and is much better off in a situation where her parents actually like each other again.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 20/07/2021 17:34

I would honestly do this if we had the money to do it properly (equal set-ups in both houses). DP and I have completely different ideas of what tidiness looks like, and it's our biggest bone of contention. We've actually talked about this in the past and if we won the lottery we'd probably implement it.

DP knew of a couple many years ago who had houses next door to each other, and a doorway knocked through the middle so the kids had access to both houses equally at all times.

MrsWooster · 20/07/2021 17:35

Surely it would be cheaper to buy one bigger house, with rooms of your own, and a housekeeper?

Ginger1982 · 20/07/2021 18:17

So, you and your husband would still hook up for sex but you just wouldn't live together? I think this would be very confusing for your kids. Mum and Dad are still together but don't live together?

sunnyzweibrucken · 20/07/2021 18:33

I actually know of someone that is in a LAT. She has a ten yr old son and is pregnant with another child. It works for them and her son isn't damaged or confused. He's an honor student and if anything understands that a family comes in different forms and is more open minded. The husband comes to stay with them Fri -Mon and occasionally stays mid week.

I think both husband and wife have to be okay with this setup for it to be successful. When I was younger this wouldn't work for me but now that i'm older I would be okay with it as I like my own space.

promomo · 20/07/2021 18:38

Check out the Facebook community Apartners. Lots of stories and supportive reflections there.

Flip

1 2