Living apart together with children

[reb3l]

Has anyone heard of the term living apart together? It's where you're in a relationship but live in separate houses for the long term. I'm currently married with two young children and do not want to divorce my husband, but I desperately want my own home. The majority of our issues I feel would be resolved if we didn't live together. I'm not tidy enough for him, he's not clean enough for me, he's always eating my snacks etc. But even that aside, I just want my own place. To come home knowing everything is where I left it, to be decorated how I want etc. Financially it's viable, and I would aim to get two houses on the same street. I imagine we'd have dinner together every night and get together a couple of times a week for taking the kids out/date night etc. The kids would have bedrooms at each house. I just wondered if anyone had this very unconventional arrangement and how they make it work? Or if anyone foresees issues or even positives?

I did this. We never lived together (initially his choice but if I had my time over I'd definitely do it again).

Not remotely confusing for the kids. It's their normal so they don't think it's odd. Eldest is now grown up and a confident, independent young man. Younger one is just about to do A levels and planning on doing medicine.

Highly recommend it. I see conventional families around me and I rarely see good relationships. Parents seem to tolerate each other and I'm sure that does no good for the children. Better to be happy apart than miserable together.

Op, if I ever win the lottery that is the first change I'm making in my life! I'd love my own home away from DH.

I don’t think it sends a great message about marriage to your kids. It shows that you can’t compromise well and sort of teaches them that there is no need to compromise, you just move out. Is the untidiness caused by your DH? Or your kids? How will you feel of once he has his own house he gets a cleaner and its all clean and tidy?

I think creativity and thinking outside the box should be encouraged, and if a couple goes into the arrangement with honesty and integrity, I don't see why it couldn't be successful.

@ArsenicNLace it’s very different if that’s all your kids have ever known.

My husband worked away for years, only coming home at weekends or sometimes much less. I really enjoyed that, the kids were fine and our relationship good. We are both very independent and enjoy our own space so may do what you are suggesting in the future. (City and country life!) We currently have our own bedrooms/bathrooms and living rooms. I don’t think it is damaging to your kids. It sounds like an ideal situation in many ways.

I really don’t understand why it would be confusing for the kids, or fuck them up. Is divorce preferable?

@Naunet

I really don’t understand why it would be confusing for the kids, or fuck them up. Is divorce preferable?

Exactly. Divorce messes up kids way more.

I really don’t understand why it would be confusing for the kids

My husband is a very hands on dad, when he's away it's really hard for the kids as they miss him so much, his absence is always felt. Weekends don't make up for the little moments and just daily life that happens in the week. It is rarely ideal to see a parent on a part time basis whether that's due to divorce or living arrangements. If the absence isn't that great for the child then I think there are much bigger issues at play anyway. But for a close knit family I can't see how the arrangement is preferable, for couples yes maybe, but with children?

Would fidelity be part of this deal? I'm not sure a guy with his own place would necessarily stick to that.

But it wouldn’t be your home, he would own half of it.

If he is driving you to this because he is "eating your snacks" then I think the writing is on the wall for your marriage.

@MrsMaizel

If he is driving you to this because he is "eating your snacks" then I think the writing is on the wall for your marriage.

This.

I think if people are living apart for positive reasons that's different.

But if your marriage is so bad that, that you are trying to save it by living apart, then that means you have fundamental problems in your relationship. that you are trying to run away from.

I guess what I am trying to say is that its not about the fact he eats your snacks. Its about the disregard he shows for your by repeatedly doing this. Its about the fact that he won't be influenced by you to make this simple change to his behaviour. And that disregard and refusal to change will just manifest in other ways regardless of your living arrangements. You can't escape how he views or treats you by moving house.

I second the suggestion of joining the Facebook group Apartners.

Living Apart Together is still fairly uncommon and very misunderstood hence the replies on here.

I'm 2 years in with my partner with no plans to ever live together so I guess we are Living Apart Together.

Personally it works for us and it can work for you if your husband is in agreement.

I think your children should have a bedroom at each house, both houses will be their home and it can work for them.