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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unrequited love, limerence, or just plain bat shit crazy

28 replies

DawnFawn · 19/07/2021 21:08

Hi,

I originally posted this on a zombie thread around the same topic, hoping for a reply from an OP telling me that she had been through the same and got through it. But honestly, I just need some help.
I met someone at work, We dated for 6 months, and then he told me he didn’t want any thing committed. He’s single, a bit socially awkward and I genuinely didn’t think anyone else was in the picture so I just figured he was still having issues from his divorce (4 years ago)
So we have this amazing, fun and flirty friendship with me hoping in the back ground that he would come around but he never did. We have lunch every day together, he comes and hangs out in my office for coffee, he calls me on the way home etc.
We go in cycles, everything is perfect and it feels like we are getting somewhere then will suddenly go cold, prompting me to go into a bit of a tizz. I will then tell him that I need to back off and not be so friendly with him anymore.
He then turns up the charm, says he misses my company, and then I relent and we are back to square one. The cycle begins again. It’s been 2 years now.

Only now, I think he’s met someone. His behaviour has changed, he is exactly the same at work but he will not reply to messages in the evenings, or weekends when he hasn’t got his children. And he is online on WhatsApp for hours, just not reading my messages. Then as he was showing me something on his phone, he got a WhatsApp from a (girls name) and my stomach just sank.
Last week I blocked him on all platforms, and explained again that we couldn’t be friends. We had a work related conversation Saturday morning, but then I went back to radio silence.
Today I arrived into work to a note on my desk “good morning cupcake”

I think he likes knowing I have feelings for him and I am definitely an ego boost. I need to get my dignity and walk away. But it’s killing me inside….

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 19/07/2021 21:09

Keep strong you've ready blocked him and that is the hard part.

Just bin the note and act as if you never saw it.

rubyslippers · 19/07/2021 21:10

You are worth more than this
He’s manipulative - he knows you’ll be around lapping his attention up whenever he demands it
You need to block and keep him
Blocked
Professional at work
Nothing else
Yes of course it’s killing you - emotions and feelings are involved … but somewhere you know it’s not right as you’re posting here …
Walk away and don’t look back

Original poster
DawnFawn · 19/07/2021 21:23

I do know it’s not right. But all of my self confidence is being torn to shreds because I perceive so little of myself because I can’t make him love me like I love him.
I say love in the loosest possible term, I’m infatuated with him, I want my feelings to be reciprocated.

I know that I need to be stronger and walk away and not buy into his bullshit. But it’s feels near impossible.

OP posts:
Nextchapterofmybook · 19/07/2021 21:25

Screw up the note and put it on his desk ;)

CovidCorvid · 19/07/2021 21:26

He’s been really cruel to you. He’s not even a friend or a decent person because a decent person wouldn’t play games like this. I’m sorry but it sounds to me he has no interest romantic way to you but likes the ego boost, knowing that you like him and that he can reel you in when he chooses.

CovidCorvid · 19/07/2021 21:27

And all the time you’re trying to get him to pick you life (amd other possible men) is passing you by.

sofato5miles · 19/07/2021 21:28

Put in the bin. And ignore him. Forever.

It's blocking you from meeting someone who will suit you

CrouchEndTiger12 · 19/07/2021 21:45

Or make him a cupcake in response to the morning cupcake message...with morning cunt piped on it. Leave it on his desk.

todaysdilemma · 19/07/2021 21:58

@CrouchEndTiger12 Ahahahahaha! Love this.

OP, do you think the best you deserve is this crappy man, who treats you with no respect, and just uses you? He's already wasted good years of your life you could have spent meeting someone else who is as infatuated with you. Don't let him waste anymore.

He does not and never will want to be with you. And you need to start the process of healing. Cut him out completely, only keep to work comms and tell him directly you want space as the friendship has become toxic and is unhealthy for you. You need to do what's best for you, and stop thinking this is the only man you'll ever love. I can guarantee that once you cut him out of your life and move on, you'll look back one day and wonder WHY you spent so much time mooning after him.

You deserve so much more than to be someone's ego boost. This man is a damaged, insecure twat - and really, not someone you should even want to be in a relationship with.

Deedee121 · 19/07/2021 22:02

He's a grade A arsehole. Keep ignoring him

OrchestraOfWankery · 19/07/2021 22:08

So all this cruel, game playing twat has to do is scribble meaningless twaddle on a piece of paper to have you in a turmoil? He must be pissing himself laughing.

Stop mooning after this absolute wanker and focus on yourself. Grey rock him. He doesn't want YOU, he merely wants your slavering after him. Realise that, and your infatuation will wither.

Original poster
DawnFawn · 19/07/2021 22:17

@OrchestraOfWankery yeah pretty much. And I’m normally sane.

It’s fucking embarrassing.

OP posts:
Sacredspace · 19/07/2021 22:50

Don’t be embarrassed, many of us have been there too! 💐

KateTheEighth · 19/07/2021 22:54

You're his back up plan, his easy, effortless option

You are absolutely worth more than this arsehole

Every day spent thinking about him is a wasted day

Stay strong Thanks

aurynne · 20/07/2021 00:37

@DawnFawn, I had a similar story with a FWB with which I had a lovely friendship, deep connection and great sex. And then I started developing feelings... and would tell him I needed space, then we'd start seeing each other again, and back to square one. In am on (hopefully) the final stage of getting him out of my mind and I know how frustrating it is, all the "whys" (but why doesn't he love me, we would be perfect together, etc etc), the "whats" (what is he doing now? is he with someone?"), the "what ifs"... it's exhausting, isn't it?

But on the other hand, let's look at this in a positive way: you WILL get him out of your mind, you WILL find someone else who thinks you're amazing and will be proud to call you his partner. And one day you will look back and perhaps feel nothing for your FWB, or even better, remember that time as exciting and sexy and hot, and another of the stages of your life that made you who you were and taught you about feelings, and friendship, and how to keep the limits within what's healthy.

He is not evil, he is likely not a bad person. Some times it is comfortable to have a friend you can talk to, and have sex with, and feel a connection with, but the romantic feelings just do not develop. I have been that person in a couple of occasions. it's nobody's fault. But the person with the feelings is the one who needs to take charge and make the decision to break it up, because the other person does not really have a strong reason to do it.

We can do it girl! Feel free to private message me if you want to share some more about this story, I am happy to tell you about mine and support each other.

sunnyzweibrucken · 20/07/2021 00:45

He wants you to want him but he doesn’t want you. It’s an ego boost and maybe putting you on the back burner just in case it doesn’t work out with whom ever he’s chatting with now

Block him and ignore/treat him cordially and move on. He’s not worth it

Original poster
DawnFawn · 20/07/2021 07:15

@aurynne

This is the closest post that describes how I feel about him. I don’t like thinking about him as bad person. I know it’s not his fault that he doesn’t see a romantic attachment.
But I do wish he would leave me alone and let push my feelings to the back of my mind.

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 20/07/2021 07:44

Are you sure this isn't what is going on here Dawn?

The meme? Are you focusing on him because there is other stuff in your life you don't want to confront?

Unrequited love, limerence, or just plain bat shit crazy
Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 08:20

@DawnFawn

Hi,

I originally posted this on a zombie thread around the same topic, hoping for a reply from an OP telling me that she had been through the same and got through it. But honestly, I just need some help.
I met someone at work, We dated for 6 months, and then he told me he didn’t want any thing committed. He’s single, a bit socially awkward and I genuinely didn’t think anyone else was in the picture so I just figured he was still having issues from his divorce (4 years ago)
So we have this amazing, fun and flirty friendship with me hoping in the back ground that he would come around but he never did. We have lunch every day together, he comes and hangs out in my office for coffee, he calls me on the way home etc.
We go in cycles, everything is perfect and it feels like we are getting somewhere then will suddenly go cold, prompting me to go into a bit of a tizz. I will then tell him that I need to back off and not be so friendly with him anymore.
He then turns up the charm, says he misses my company, and then I relent and we are back to square one. The cycle begins again. It’s been 2 years now.

Only now, I think he’s met someone. His behaviour has changed, he is exactly the same at work but he will not reply to messages in the evenings, or weekends when he hasn’t got his children. And he is online on WhatsApp for hours, just not reading my messages. Then as he was showing me something on his phone, he got a WhatsApp from a (girls name) and my stomach just sank.
Last week I blocked him on all platforms, and explained again that we couldn’t be friends. We had a work related conversation Saturday morning, but then I went back to radio silence.
Today I arrived into work to a note on my desk “good morning cupcake”

I think he likes knowing I have feelings for him and I am definitely an ego boost. I need to get my dignity and walk away. But it’s killing me inside….

You know what I was like this about a guy about 20 years ago, he was literally exactly the same. His tiny ego needs it OP. In the end I just thought you know what, he won't ever stop being like this, so I sent an email saying hey you, it's awesome being mates but I'm dating a hot guy now so let's stop the flirting!-& let's cut off Comms for a while. I got an immediate 'look at this hot girl I just met' photo and I was like 'wow, she's gorgeous, go for it!' with a smiley face then I blocked him. The major hit of self respect I got in that moment I will never forget (and I had to block him many times over the years, loo, I'm very happily married now & I know sadly that he will still be doing this with people).

Whatever way your brain is malfunctioning here, honestly who cares, just cut it off and get the high from getting one up on him every time you know he wants contact instead!! Honestly it was one of the best things I ever did!

Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 08:21

Btw after it all ended I was like wow, he wasn't all that, either! And he really wasn't...he just spent his life they Ng to keep people on a hook and was very good at that particular skill...

Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 08:21

*trying

SandysMam · 20/07/2021 08:24

If you haven’t seen The Holiday, watch it! He sounds like the bloke from work Kate Winslet is in love with. Watch the film and realise he is using you! Then don’t waste any more time on him.

Spunout · 20/07/2021 08:29

I did this dance for 12 years,get out now and live your best life,I feel so free now it's finally over.

TonkaTrucker · 20/07/2021 09:42

Hi,

I think it's really easy when you have such strength of feelings to attribute them wrongly. When you feel so much about a person you can interpret it as because he's so wonderful/because we'd be so good together, and it's seems entirely non-sensical and wrong that these 'facts' don't sway him into the same position.
I think really you don't feel so strongly about him because you're so compatible, because you'd be so good together, because it's meant to be, but because his actions are almost guaranteed to have that result. The inconsistency, the intimacy but with unavailability, the 'specialness' of your relationship, how he's part of your daily routine, every part of your life. This is exactly what your brain needs to get hooked and stay hooked. You're hooked at the moment because of his actions, not because he is your soul match.

The right person will see you, show up for you, and stay. Accepting it's not right because I'd it was right he'd be with you is the first step, it's incredibly difficult but you will get to a place where you see things differently and the feelings change. Good luck.

layladomino · 20/07/2021 11:31

The right thing to do is to turn this in to purely a professional work relationship but nothing more (I would say block, but presumably you need to have contact at work). It will be difficult at first, but fake it til you make it. Be an actor playing the role of 'indifferernt work colleague'.

That way you reclaim your diginity if he is intentionally messing you around / playing with your feelings / couldn't care less about you. And if that's the case, you wouldn't want to pander to that would you?

And if he isn't intentionally messing you around he's still being thoughtless, at best.

If you hold out some hope that he's actually a decent person who doesn't know what he wants, then take the same approach.... being distant and dignified might just make him see the error of his ways.

But honestly, I don't think it's the latter. I think you've been a bit of fun that he's quite like to keep around as it feeds his ego and passes the day at work. You need to be alert to the fact that he could pretend to have seen the light just long enough to hoover you back in.