Friends children

[Fluer3]

I should probably post in AIBU but I’m too fragile for harsh responses at the moment.

My best friend whom I love dearly comes to visit every few months with her DC. We’ve had lots of happy memories days out etc. I have my own DC too.
However every time the visit is at my home it is such a chaotic time I dread it. Her youngest DC is in every room, every drawer and cupboard, up stairs back down again in the bathroom. They are only a toddler so curious and I do understand that I’ve had my own. I do not mind this at all.

My issue is my friend never moves off her chair to her DC it’s always me/my partner doing the escorting around the house. She will half heartedly say ‘DC come on stay in here’ that’s it.
The last visit my partner nearly said to her to get up with her child but I stopped him as I hate confrontation and I don’t want her to be angry with me.

I owe her a lot, she was there for me tremendously in the past and i feel I must be overly accommodating to her now and the DC as she doesn’t have a great support network herself.

I have tried to have days out somewhere else and these are always great! As she left she said we will be back on Such and such date, I just smiled great see you then. But really I’m dreading it.
I genuinely love them all but I am exhausted with it and the mess/ broken things that I didn’t catch in time that’s left behind.
How do I deal with this without offending?

Arrange to meet her away from your house.?

DH wfh is a good excuse

@TempleofZoom thank you, I do suggest meeting elsewhere and have been successful a couple of times but often she’ll say no thanks we’ll just come to yours, and I don’t know what to say.
She know DP’s job and not possible to wfh

I have the same problem 😕
After the last time I said to myself never again!

[quote Fluer3]@TempleofZoom thank you, I do suggest meeting elsewhere and have been successful a couple of times but often she’ll say no thanks we’ll just come to yours, and I don’t know what to say.
She know DP’s job and not possible to wfh[/quote]
Just tell her no you would prefer to go out, the children need a walk etc
Cheeky fucker !

You have a mouse or cockroach infestation??

Or.... You TELL her that you can only meet elsewhere not ASK her if that's ok.

You need to be direct and say “can you go and get him Jane.” Not nasty, nice and light but leaving no room for misinterpretation. Keep saying it every time. Until she is doing it automatically.

If you still want them round but would
Like to avoid all this could you not just put a stair gate across the stairs/certain door so can’t wander around the house? I have one on my living room so if needed I can prevent the toddler wandering everywhere

How far away does she live? Do they sleep over at your house? If so next time she mentions coming have the number for a b&b or Airbnb near to hand and tell her it's no longer possible to accommodate them - your kids have switched around rooms so no space/you've allocated a bedroom as an office or playroom so no space.
However if it's just for a day then just tell her you will meet her at a park, indoor play area, wherever. When she says she'll come to your house just tell her that's not an option. No need to explain why. Let her wonder all she wants. If she can't be arsed to parent her kids while visiting then she doesn't get to visit, regardless of how good she might have been to you in the past. You're not indebted to her forever more. You need to set boundaries.

If a parent isn't watching their child in your home and they are doing things they shouldn't be, then you need to speak t the child directly.

"No Tom, everyone is staying downstairs. Just the living room or the garden" and enforce it.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly I said the same the last two times.

I hadn’t thought of stair gates, that would certainly help but I know i do need to just tell her this is what I’m doing rather than asking. I overthink things and genuinely scared of her being upset me with me.

The last visit my partner nearly said to her to get up with her child but I stopped him as I hate confrontation and I don’t want her to be angry with me.
Next time let your partner say it! Is she worried about you being angry with her, for letting her child break your stuff? Could it be that the lack of support network is due to other people making their boundaries clear?

Alternatively, shut the door so the child can't leave the room?

She couldn’t give a shit about upsetting you though.

What’s wrong with her place?

Missed a few replies there, thank you @Notaroadrunner it’s just for the day but I think I needed someone else to say I don’t have to be indebted to her forever.

@BackforGood Will try that too thank you

You say you're genuinely scared of her being upset with you, but you're upset and she doesn't seem to be bothered.
I say let your DP have his say.

We had a stairgate on the stairs and kitchen when ours was that age. So relaxing when we had other children to visit...we just closed both stairgates and the little people could only go in the living-room, hall and downstairs toilet.

Yes, you shouldn't have to do this and she should mind her child, but it's an easy solution if you want to avoid confrontation. Although no longer needed for safety, I still use mine to keep visiting children from going upstairs.

If you can't get out of hosting them, take a walk around the house and make it as child proof/resistant as possible.

Close/lock/wedge doors to all the rooms he's not allowed to go in. Is it possible to block access to the stairs or where the stairs are?

Box of toys/books next to where his Mum is sitting.

Then you'll have to be firm with both of them. He's not allowed upstairs or to wander out of sight without an adult.

Practice saying, "You go get him this time!" to her

Practice saying, "No - everyone is in the living room - back to your Mum" to him - every single time.

As soon as anything gets broken or thrown around say "Right, time to go for a walk, or run around in the garden."

If he's like this all the time she's probably exhausted and is using you for a break and knows it. Show her your boundries.

It's really cheeky of her to invite herself to your house when you've suggested going out!

I think I'd say 'So pleased we're meeting up on xx day, I'm desperate to get out of the house for the day. Shall we do xx or xx??'

I wonder if shes just enjoying the rest and leaving you and your partner to look after the kids so she can just chill. Is she a single parent? I know my sister was run ragged by her 3 children under 5 that as soon as she was with us she literally switched off. We would all be running around looking after then whilst she just sat there but i think she was just enjoying having someone else running around after them....maybe thats why she likes coming to yours, see's it as a rest! Not saying its right.

Put locks on doors?

Temporary locks on all doors upstairs or stairgate at the bottom. Stairgate and/or locks on downstairs rooms. Reduce opportunities for mess in living room. Control his environment and stop tiptoeing around your friend.

As she left she said we will be back on Such and such date

That is incredibly presumptive and rude! You don’t just tell people you want to come to their house.

How often do you go to hers?

Seriously-this is really shit. She isn’t a good friend, she is using your house as an easy toddler group.

Agree with @jonjojobs123, sounds like she comes for the rest! I do the same at my mums But as PP say, just keep saying 'oh can you go and get x', if you make visiting less easy for her then she probably won't want to come so much.

She's bringing the kid because she wants a break and knows you will run around after the kid.

You need to say that you don't want her at your house as her kid breaks your stuff and your house isn't baby proofed for a small child.

If you decide not to say anyway, can't you close the door so the toddler can't leave the room you are in? Or put something in front of the door so the child can't leave the room?