Friends children

[Fluer3]

I should probably post in AIBU but I’m too fragile for harsh responses at the moment.

My best friend whom I love dearly comes to visit every few months with her DC. We’ve had lots of happy memories days out etc. I have my own DC too.
However every time the visit is at my home it is such a chaotic time I dread it. Her youngest DC is in every room, every drawer and cupboard, up stairs back down again in the bathroom. They are only a toddler so curious and I do understand that I’ve had my own. I do not mind this at all.

My issue is my friend never moves off her chair to her DC it’s always me/my partner doing the escorting around the house. She will half heartedly say ‘DC come on stay in here’ that’s it.
The last visit my partner nearly said to her to get up with her child but I stopped him as I hate confrontation and I don’t want her to be angry with me.

I owe her a lot, she was there for me tremendously in the past and i feel I must be overly accommodating to her now and the DC as she doesn’t have a great support network herself.

I have tried to have days out somewhere else and these are always great! As she left she said we will be back on Such and such date, I just smiled great see you then. But really I’m dreading it.
I genuinely love them all but I am exhausted with it and the mess/ broken things that I didn’t catch in time that’s left behind.
How do I deal with this without offending?

Just say she can't come because dh wfh .

@MotionActivatedDog

You need to be direct and say “can you go and get him Jane.” Not nasty, nice and light but leaving no room for misinterpretation. Keep saying it every time. Until she is doing it automatically.

Best thing to do. I'm great at avoiding confrontation and I think you need to do this. Gently said. It's easy to pretend it's something else and get caught out which happens to me if I 'lie' make something up. I'd understand why you'd do it though.

Thanks everyone for your responses i appreciate it.
I think using the time at mine for a break sounds plausible as she really doesn’t get much of a break at home. I feel guilty as my DP is hands on and she often tells me how lucky I am, she’s not single but her DH is not helpful.
My youngest is just a few weeks old and this is the first visit since I’ve gave birth so was much harder doing the running around with baby in tow.
She’s my friend and I do want to give her that break if I can.

Will take advice on board and baby proof house as I will need to in the coming months anyway, unfortunately shutting doors doesn’t work as her DC just open them anyway. Will get some high up locks too.
Thanks all

My youngest is just a few weeks old and this is the first visit since I’ve gave birth so was much harder doing the running around with baby in tow.
She’s my friend and I do want to give her that break if I can.

You can’t seriously even believe yourself when you say that never mind expecting us to believe it. You had a baby a few weeks ago but you want to give your friend, who has a toddler she can’t be arsed to look after, a break? no you don’t, and you don’t even have to pretend to. You have just given birth. This is the perfect time to get our friend to step up and watch her own child. Keep repeating “can you get him”. Don’t give a reason, don’t make an excuse. Just keep asking her to get him.

@MotionActivatedDog I know. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to be confident and in the past this wouldn’t have been an issue. I’m shit on a shoe right now I want her to still like me to still want to visit me and be interested in each others lives.

Can’t you just say you’ve got to isolate for 10 days? Although there will be a next time and you’ll be in the same position again x

often she’ll say no thanks we’ll just come to yours

Reply "Sorry, that doesn't work for me. "

Try it out in front of a mirror a few times.

Are you generally such a people-pleaser? Honestly, OP, listen to what you’re saying — that you think this supposed friend will only be prepared to be your friend as long as you look after her toddler while allowing her to trash your house?

If she says she’ll just come to you, say, ‘Ha, no way-I’ve got a baby now, I have GOT to get out of the house!!’ Don’t entertain the idea.

It's not your problem that her DH doesn't pull his weight. She will have worse problems when she has an unruly and undisciplined child/teenager on her hands.

When you put it like that @DoorAjar it’s ridiculous I know. I’m taking everyone’s comments on board
Thank you.

I actually totally understand this op. My best friend had twins when my little one was 3 moths younger. Every time they came round I was on edge and constantly taking things out of their hands and trying to divert disaster. It got to the point where I avoided my friend. She turned up out of the blue one day and I was so reluctant to see her and she was gutted. In the end (and with much calling until she answered the phone) I was honest with her. I told her I was struggling with new mum anxiety and I couldn't actually cope with the high octane activity of the boys. We cried, we laughed and we got through it. Our friendship developed into a kid free one bizarrely. We still talk about the kids and see them but we mostly plan days or nights out without the kids. It was nice to retain some adult friendships for both of us. This was 12 years ago and she's still my best friend. My point is that despite it being difficult, if you can't talk to your friend, if even to hint at the problem, then it's not really a strong friendship. I do sympathies with you though because you g children and friendships are tough.