AIBU to think he’s being a self indulgent by this point?!

[Arghshdh]

DP is regularly miserable. He has a job interview coming up with a lot riding on it for promotion. But if he doesn’t get it he will get work elsewhere. He earns a decent salary and this won’t change even if he doesn’t get promoted.

He gets home and is pretty down. I ask if he’s ok. Sometimes he talks briefly, says he is stressed and fed up. Other times he will just go quiet, I will ask what’s wrong and he says nothing. Other times like tonight he will get upset, tears, then he will say he’s not sure why but he’s just stressed. I do anything possible to comfort him, hold his hands, sit and talk on the bed, try the gentle understanding approach as well as the tough love approach. He will then pick himself up and shut himself in the office all night until dinner, which sometimes he will cook. We will eat briefly then hes back into his office. He gets to bed at 11pm usually.

It’s shit. I feel low because he can’t even say thank you, I appreciate you supporting me during this time. Or even one step beyond this, he can’t even try a bit to smile and be loving. It’s like whatever has happened in my day doesn’t exist. It’s not happened.

He’s generally a kind man and he means well. He’s not a bad person. He’s definitely not depressed, been down that route many times with him. He’s open about mental health and it’s just not that. He’s just moody and quiet on a regular basis.

I’m fucking sick of it. am I being a dick?

You're not being unreasonable to be sick of it. Most people would hate to live like that.

You say he is definitely not depressed- has that been ruled out by a doctor?

@ScaredOfDinosaurs yes, been down that route and it’s not that.

He’s just got this temperament. I find it so so selfish.

Again tonight he’s in his office room ‘stressed’ about work. He’s told me tonight that he’s also upset that the promotion isn’t the exact sort of work he was hoping to do. It’s a great fucking job and he’s lucky to have it. It’s wearing me down so much he can’t even be a tiny bit cheerful.

To be honest if he is getting so upset that he is in tears then maybe you are being a bit unfair. I mean, that really isn't normal.

I realise that it must be difficult for you as well, though; you must feel drained.

@Arrivederla we talked again tonight and he said he didn’t know why he was in tears. It’s happened before though, lots of times. I just sit for an hour waiting for him to talk, being patient, listening. He is good if I have a problem but generally it’s all about him. I am finding it so tough. And just so self centrered

Also don’t know what to do to try and help anymore??? I have cooked, cleaned, made lunch for him, talked with him, planned nice things. I’m out of ideas.

Stop pandering to him and leave him to it. Stop holding his hand. Stop comforting him. Go out and do something that brings you joy and leave him to fester.

No, you're not being a dick, he is. Let him be one, just try to make sure you're not dragged into it more than is absolutely necessary any longer.

Jump in the car after dinner and go out. Anywhere. Find a view. Take a book. Go for a walk. A swim. A run. Bring joy into your life.

And he's not kind. Kind people don't dump their emotional crap onto their spouses and then fuck off to their dens.

@SixesAndEights I am so conflicted as part of me does feel that way! It’s the way he just disappears after he’s been in tears and moaning about things, amazes me. He does ask about my day but when stressed he’s just totally about himself.

I think you're being unfair suggesting he's being self-indulgent.If he's in tears about work, he's quite possibly suffering from stress. You can have a great job but still be stressed by it. You don't sound particularly sympathetic. Is that because this has been going on for a long time and you're out of patience? Or are there other reasons?

This isn't normal and if you suggest he completes the GAD7 and PHQ9 online you'll see he's suffering from mental health difficulties and should self refer to your local Healthy Minds service or pay for private psychotherapy from a clinical psychologist (search HCPC) psychotherapist (BABCP).

Sounds miserable.

Don’t sacrifice yourself for that.

Also don’t know what to do to try and help anymore??? I have cooked, cleaned, made lunch for him, talked with him, planned nice things. I’m out of ideas.

You sound like you're enabling this behaviour by running around all the time trying to fix a problem that isn't actually yours. If he's not depressed he needs some counselling at the very least. If he won't sort some out, I'd leave him to it.

It sounds like you need a break in order to find your empathy. Who are you getting support from OP? It sounds rough on you both.

Tell him to man the fuck up... Most people are having a shit time of late... Ime do not let his mh issues come to affect your mh...
You aren't a professional.. Tell him to seek one or stfu...

Can you explain a bit more what he's saying about himself when he's upset, Arghshdh?

@SixesAndEights

Also don’t know what to do to try and help anymore??? I have cooked, cleaned, made lunch for him, talked with him, planned nice things. I’m out of ideas.

You sound like you're enabling this behaviour by running around all the time trying to fix a problem that isn't actually yours. If he's not depressed he needs some counselling at the very least. If he won't sort some out, I'd leave him to it.

I agree with this. Plus what is he actually doing in the office room when he fucks off there all the time?

I’m part of an AA type of group. It’s fab, we talk about EVERYTHING.

Recently a woman talked about how a friend of hers had a depressed husband. When he was diagnosed with depression, the wife became quieter, more withdrawn, less happy too. She said she felt it was supportive of her DH to act like that.

Then after a while she had an epiphany - that the depression belonged to her DH, not her. She couldn’t carry that burden for him. It wasn’t hers to carry. She was allowed to get on with her life in her usual cheerful way.

I thought of her when I read your post. I wouldn’t be quite so attentive when he’s wrapped up in his own negativity. Leave him to it. It’s his burden to carry.

He gets a lot out of acting like this, if you’re wondering why he does it/isn’t motivated to change. You do everything, let him spend his time in a different room, don’t require him to ask about your day, devote hours trying to cheer him up.

Maybe reduce that? Replace it with,”I’m sorry you’re stressed. Let me know if I can help. In the meantime I’m going to do XYZ…” then go about your own happy business.

Or just dump him, whiny fecker. Some people are just born miserable.

My first DH was a bit like this. My second DH is way more cheerful. I can’t tell you how lovely it is to be with a generally cheerful partner.

If this was the other way round, people would be calling the dh an insensitive dick and giving productive advice to the op. Op, don't get me wrong, im not discounting your feelings but i strongly feel your dh needs professional help. Maybe ask him to call the doctor for a referal or if you can afford it, book some therapy sessions for sole and couple counselling. Hope things get better.

It sounds like he is stressed, not depressed. Is he stressed about work? It sounds like it. Does he need to step down, retrain in another field, not go for this promotion? Do you work? Who is the main earner? If it all falls on him, he might well be stressed.

Whenever my dh is a moany git I tell him he reminds me of his df and sex is def off the menu. Urgh..
Soon cheers him up !

It’s stress not depression.

I’m just fed up of it. Tonight he was saying that he missed his dad - fair enough. And that he wants to book a break to go and see him. We haven’t had a holiday in a LONG time, not financial reasons, just he’s too busy. I’m furious that he would suggest going to the south coast to see his dad and not include me. There was no mention of us going together. And don’t get me wrong, no issue with him spending every day with his dad without me! But fucking hell I put up with all this and he doesn’t even say let’s go and stay somewhere nice when I plan to see my dad.

I’m just drained and feel taken for granted.

I'm a suspicious old bat, but disappearing for hours in the office room and wanting to 'see his dad' without you? Any chance he's having an affair?

The misery show could be his excuse to escape you while he contacts OW. Planning a nice holiday together.....

When I'm stressed I deal with it in healthy ways; he can't by the sounds of it. He needs professional help to cope with his emotions,. Seriously, do suggest he completes the screening questionnaires. If he doesn't seek help, then get annoyed or leave!

@OrchestraOfWankery you know what, in a way I wish he was!!! At least there would be an answer to it all. He’s definitely not though. He’s working non stop pretty much. On the phone to work or actually doing work. I go in from time to time with tea or biscuits or to check on him. Never anything suspicious and I’m pretty cynical.

God I sound pathetic . What the fuck am I doing pandering to him like this.

I just so want to help him but he’s always so wound up in everything.

Stop facilitating his moods. It's no wonder you've reached the end of your tether. Have you got a friend that you could book a holiday with? If you get some space from DP it might give you some perspective on what you want for your future.

Maybe he’s a Type A personality? It gets used as a compliment - a real go-getter! - but it’s actual meaning is someone who’s SO wound-up that they’re in imminent danger of a heart attack.