AIBU to think he’s being a self indulgent by this point?!

[Arghshdh]

DP is regularly miserable. He has a job interview coming up with a lot riding on it for promotion. But if he doesn’t get it he will get work elsewhere. He earns a decent salary and this won’t change even if he doesn’t get promoted.

He gets home and is pretty down. I ask if he’s ok. Sometimes he talks briefly, says he is stressed and fed up. Other times he will just go quiet, I will ask what’s wrong and he says nothing. Other times like tonight he will get upset, tears, then he will say he’s not sure why but he’s just stressed. I do anything possible to comfort him, hold his hands, sit and talk on the bed, try the gentle understanding approach as well as the tough love approach. He will then pick himself up and shut himself in the office all night until dinner, which sometimes he will cook. We will eat briefly then hes back into his office. He gets to bed at 11pm usually.

It’s shit. I feel low because he can’t even say thank you, I appreciate you supporting me during this time. Or even one step beyond this, he can’t even try a bit to smile and be loving. It’s like whatever has happened in my day doesn’t exist. It’s not happened.

He’s generally a kind man and he means well. He’s not a bad person. He’s definitely not depressed, been down that route many times with him. He’s open about mental health and it’s just not that. He’s just moody and quiet on a regular basis.

I’m fucking sick of it. am I being a dick?

And if it’s hot yo the stage when you’d be happy to discover he’s cheating, it’s all over, bar the —shouting— crying.

Stop doing all his cooking and washing etc. Stop waiting on him hand and foot. Stop basing your life around him. Do you work? Hobbies? Social life? Your family to visit?

You say finances aren't an issue - spend some on yourself. Go away by yourself.

You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He is a grown man, if you weren't there he would not starve to death..!

Live your life OP

@Shouldershrugger

If this was the other way round, people would be calling the dh an insensitive dick and giving productive advice to the op. Op, don't get me wrong, im not discounting your feelings but i strongly feel your dh needs professional help. Maybe ask him to call the doctor for a referal or if you can afford it, book some therapy sessions for sole and couple counselling. Hope things get better.

This.

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read some of the horrible responses. People do not sit around and cry for nothing, it certainly seems plausible that he has depression to me.

I cannot imagine responses like this if a woman had posted about being depressed and said her husband had told her to snap out of it. He would be in the wrong then too.

@SoundBar I know it’s not that easy though when you love someone. Starting to wonder if I’m hindering him not helping him.

And yes I have a full time job. I earn more than him actually and it’s very stressful! I just wouldn’t let that stress impact our relationship

@Shouldershrugger he’s fine around other people though. Manages to be fine at work. He’s chatty and polite with colleagues.

I get that it’s different with those you are closest to. But still. I wouldn’t mind a bit of the nice side of him now and then.

I go in from time to time with tea or biscuits

STOP OP!!!!! Just stop!!!!

He's an adult, he can get his own fucking drinks and snacks!!!

You must stop enabling him!

Stop trying to discuss it. You can't help. The only person who can help is a professional. If he doesn't want that then leave him to it.

Please OP, start living for yourself.

@SixesAndEights yes I feel embarrassed having written that. I was just trying to be supportive of him.

I’m taken aback by these responses. It sounds to me like he is overworking and in risk of burnout - in work and in life. He is perhaps in the wrong job for him and needs help in finding a new, less stressful role. Perhaps one with less money. Stress is a major cause of illness and death.

I agree, you are going to need to start living for you, and see if backing off a bit makes him realise you are an individual person. You can say if he's stressed and unhappy then he needs to change something. However, it is possible that he is unhappy in the relationship, so be prepared for that.

I cannot imagine responses like this if a woman had posted about being depressed and said her husband had told her to snap out of it.

Where has the OP stated this has happened?

He has been to the doctor about depression. Apparently he doesn't have it. OP has not told her husband to snap out of it, she has bent over backwards to try and help him. But the only person who can help him is himself, so he needs to get professional help, and if he won't do that then OP needs, for her own sanity, to leave him to it.

If a woman posted on here about crying and being stressed and her husband having had enough and stopping with cooking, cleaning, tea, biscuits, little chats, hand holding etc., she would be advised to seek professional help because it isn't fair of her to dump everything on her husband.

You've pandered and indulged and focused your home life round him - yet you get the miserable him while his colleagues get the nice him.

He wants to go away without you, so you go away without him! not as revenge, but away from him you'll regain YOU. Have an indulgent few - or even just a couple of - days somewhere pleasant.

No doubt he'll guilt trip you about this as he's used to you servicing his moods, but be strong.

He just may stop taking your care and concern for granted

@daisypond he might well be those things but I just don’t know how to help anymore

He’s currently got music playing in there and typing away.

We will have dinner at some point. When he decides he wants to take a break. I am so fed up.

Come on OP, forget dinner, pop out and get yourself something, take a drive. Let him have his dinner when he wants it.

@Aprilx where does it say that the OP told him to snap out of it? She's bending over backwards to be nice to him!

God, just eat your dinner @Arghshdh. I completely understand what PPs are saying when they suggest he looks into professional help or that it might be burnout. But he's being very selfish in the way he's handling it, not considering you at all by the sounds of it

I’m not sure he even wants the relationship. I’ve asked him. He says yes.

I think I’m going to take some days off work tomorrow and have the rest of the week at a friend’s. He won’t even notice, that’s the sad thing.

Does he ever get dinner ready for you? You are a poor second to his BIg Important Work. In fact you sound more and more like his housekeeper. Not an equal life partner.

@Arghshdh

I’m not sure he even wants the relationship. I’ve asked him. He says yes.

I think I’m going to take some days off work tomorrow and have the rest of the week at a friend’s. He won’t even notice, that’s the sad thing.

He will. He won't have you running around with his tea and biscuits like the office junior!

@OrchestraOfWankery yes so tonight he’s said he wants to do it. No sign yet.

Get a takeaway. Honestly OP you're allowing him to treat you horribly.

I had very similar with my DH. Both had very high profile but different careers - and he became very focused on his “hard days” everyday and left no room for me. Wouldn’t ask how my day was, couldn’t name any co-workers etc but I could name every small detail of his shift. I used to cry in the shower about my stressful days as I felt I couldn’t bring it up with him as he was ‘too stressed’. In reality my job was actually far harder, longer, more stressful and emotionally tough than his, and I ended up losing a lot of respect for him. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart after a hard day, I just had to get on with it. Eventually I burnt out trying to run around after him and it’s permanently damaged our relationship, which we are trying to rebuild.

Point is yes some men do this, no it’s not always depression, and be careful you don’t burn yourself out because nobody is taking care of you in this relationship. I don’t have any other advice as it’s taken us 5 years to try and reset the balance. Looking back I wouldn’t put up with it again. Don’t wait for him to change of his own accord as he won’t, his threshold for what he finds stressful will just get lower and lower until a normal day wipes him out. Whatever you do, act now.

OP do you think he would be open to couples counselling? You could explain the effect his behaviour is having on your relationship.

Any chance his moodiness is a way of controlling you? Keeping you in your 'place' of placating his ego?

Maybe consider orchestrating some small change like choosing to do something that he doesn't need to be involved in but would bring you joy.

Love & life really isn't meant to be this hard.

Give yourself a break.

I think that currently his bad behaviours are being rewarded with sympathy, caring, kind acts and lots of positive attention. What incentive is there for him to try to pick himself up and change?

If you are supportive, but don't dwell and then continue with your day, he will then have to "earn" that attention and fuss by behaving in a more adult and unselfish way.

I suspect that the whining and self-absorption will dwindle when it's not being reinforced and pandered to.

I sound unsympathetic, but really I'm not. We are all stressed after this last year and we can either burden others with it, or try to make the best of it. He sounds a little bit indulged if he's doesn't realise how very fortunate he actually is.

I wish you luck OP, but as PPs have said, it's not your emotional load to bear. You can share it somewhat, but you have your own mental health to consider too. If he's not clinically depressed then he's being a dick and needs to make an effort to add something to the relationship instead of constantly taking.

Hi Op,

The truth here is that you are very unhappy. You can only change that by changing your life. You cannot change other people.

Go away, reassess your life and see if you want to spend the rest of your one precious life with this man - you have a choice here, you can choose life.