how to deal with a female ex who does not communicate

[supportivefather]

to all

i know this is not a great subject to talk about as normally it is the man that is the person not communicating but this time round it is the woman.

my son is 10 and she is main carer by law.

i am having trouble with her listening to me and putting my parental rights ahead of her hated for me

for back ground, split in 2012. 2015 she stopped me seeing my son with the reason on 'Mothering instict' no more explanation was given. 20k+ later i got to see my son again via a child order.

since then getting any form of communication or expansions on answers she has given i get called coercive and bullying or 'this is all i am saying on this matter' and then that is it.

i have many examples of this but for a few so you can see what i am expierencing

when the pandemic hit he got covid, i got an email over the weekend that he had a cough. i said that following govt guidelines he should self isolate for a week. i got a response of 'i have spoken to the school and they say it is ok'. so govt guidelines not followed

two days later i get another email saying that her and her partner have covid so everyone will be self isolating. so my parental rights were ignored and until her and her new partner got it then it was taken seriously, i asked why he was not self isolating prior to them getting covid, reply still outstanding

when everything was opened back up in june my son who was 9 at the time and only had a month left of school and in the court order i would pick him up from school, but as his year was not allowed back into school he was at home. so i collected him from home which put on an extra 20 mins each way to my journey.

then when the new term came around everything was back to normal until the 2nd lockdown. so i asked for a compromise on the collections and drop offs that they would be from the school not their house. they live 2 miles from the school i live 14 miles from the school. to get to the school i do not have to use any of the main roads which is where the traffic is so i can take 20 mins to get there. but adding on to her house that is an extra 20 minutes.

i asked for this and the response i got was 'not in dougs best interests' now that was it and even when going through her solicitor (which i think was in it just for the cash) i got the same response as they were acting for their client. so i had to make up time with work for the extra time i had taken to collect and drop him off which meant i lost that time with him.

now her mother contacted me to try and help resolve the situation but i said that she needs to speak to her daughter as i cannot tell her what to do. my son told me that when her mother went round to see her and talk to her when she found out that she had been talking to me she threw her own mother out of her house.

now this time, per the court order he should of been with me from the last day of school for a week, i got an email on the last day of his school stating that his brothers had a high tempreture and a cough so my son did not go to school that day and would be self isolating for 10 days.

i asked when he would be getting a PCR test and the results as if he is negative i could still have him for part of the time i was supposed to have him. so far no response and i doubt i will get one either,

taking her to court for breach of the child order will do nothing as she will get a stern talking to and then she can carry on.

2020 my son told me that he wanted to kill himself. i obviously talked to him about it and found out that he is having issues at their home, now i tried to get him to see someone but due to his age no one could see him without the main career being present.

i then contact the mother explained the situation and said that he needs a docs appointment to get referred to a specialist to get help. 3 weeks went by and i heard nothing. so i chased i then got an email saying the doctor has seen him and there is nothing wrong so no refferal needed.

i asked for the name of the doctor so i could speak to them, still no answer to this to date

so i contacted the surgery asked for a tel call with the doctor that he saw. i got a tel appointment for 3 weeks later.

when i finally spoke to the doctor i found out that there was no mention of him thinking about killing himself at all.

i tried to get another appointment with the doc and him so we can talk about it further and due to their rules as i am not the sole carrer i cannot make an appointment without her consent. i could not get approval

now to 2021, i got a phone call from school that my son was found trying to selfharm himself, he told a teacher that he wanted to kill himsellf. they informed social services and one of the recommendations was that they take him to docs to get him reffered to CAMS as this will be faster then them doing it.

nothing has happened and my son is still in a situation where he could harm himself.

i have been to court with her many times and nothing has changed. she is now claiming she has PTSD due to me. the courts dismissed this thank god.

so what i am asking is what do i do, she will not communicate with me directly, she will not communicate through her solictor with me.

all of this is putting my son in terriable harm

now i do understand that this could be a ploy from my son for attention but when he is with me (4 days of a month and every other mon evening for 3 hours and alternating half terms and 2 weeks 91 week at a time) in the summer holidays) he gets all of my attention and he wants for nothing.

i am at the edge of throwing in the towel and walking away due to the way she is behaving. but it is not just her, he told me that her partner tells him that 'he would be better off without his dad in his life' also that i am this that and the other. when asked what his mother does when that is being said, he said which is also quite worrying 'she does nothing as i think she is afraid of him'

i cannot carry on like this as it is not fair on myself as this is affecting me with depression and anxiety and it is showing with my job and my 2 year old son and my wife.

now i know it is not all about me and it should be about my son but how can i get the message across to her that she needs to start communciating better for the sake of him so he can see us getting along even if it is only on the surface and for her to stop her partner bad mouthing me.

sorry for going on but i did not want to just say a little bit and not give a full explanation of what i am dealing with so everyone can see that i am trying.

so do i throw in the towel (which i do not want to do but all parenting sites say that you need to look after yourself first) or carry on banging my head agaisnt a wall and hoping one day she will see what she is doing to our son.

now i know that me leaving is not the right thing to do but if it eases the stress that her and her partner have around me then that should improve his homelife and all in all improve his mental well being, or it may back fire and make it worse

i just do not know what to do

thank you for reading

Never give up on your son
She sounds like a bitch
Your only route is the law
The court must stipulate the access arrangements and all shared responsibility down to the last dot
Every single time she breaks that ruling you need to go back
Every single time .

Abandonment of your child would only serve you. It's tremendously selfish to contemplate doing this to any child let alone one who has confided in you that they are self harming and suicidal. Honestly I'm boggled at that.

If you are truly concerned you need to go back to court, keep ringing the doctors, social services etc every day.

You say you've been to court multiple times, what for? You haven't mentioned asking for more custody, why not?

Also how does it take you 20mins to drive 14miles (makes sense) but then it takes another 20mins to drive just 2miles? That just doesn't make sense.

I'm sorry but through your very long post I didn't see this - what time are you currently spending with your ds? And what is ordered by the court?

You've mentioned eow and minimal contact in the week, but it's not clear if that's current.

Also how does it take you 20mins to drive 14miles (makes sense) but then it takes another 20mins to drive just 2miles? That just doesn't make sense

Clearly you've never lived in a traffic blackspot! Think heading out of the city centre as opposed to heading in.

66babe thank you very much for your support

whoispepesilva

i find you comments very aggressive especially when i am reaching out for help and guidance on what to do.

just so you know, to get to her house from mine it is a different route which as i said is on the main roads for a busy town to a busy A road so you have trucks\tractors\zoo traffic\garden centre traffic all going down a normal road. if i take the road from his school to her house then i have to go through little villages which again is a main shortcut for people from the main roads and there are many roundabouts\traffic lights that can cause delays.

with your court comment i am not going to give all of the details of my personal interactions on a forum. but to answer your question i did go for more custody and i was denied by the judge for two reasons 1. the judge that held the prelimary session did get child services involved to speak to us. 2 this was within a year of my last court case. he then put in strict instructions that i could not bring this back to court within 4 years for extra custody

i am already on tosocial services, i do not have the money to always go back to court and if i do that all the time what is that going to do to my son in the short term?

i am a complete mess on what is the best thing i need to do and as i stated i do not want to leave him but i cannot have another 6 years on top of the 6 years i already have had of sleepness nights worrying about him, upping my doses of anti-depressants so i can sleep and think clearly. so please understand this is where i thought i could come for advice not be scalded by someone who does not know me or the entire situation

EvenMoreFuriousVexation

the court order is still current and it is every other weekend from fri to mon school pick up and school drop off. then every other monday pick up from school then dropped off back to his mothers at 7.30.

every other half term and then week after he has finished school for the year in july then another week on the 5th week of the summer holidays. then alternate xmas

it sounds a lot but when there is no HT or summer holiday i 4 days a month to help with his HM, help with his mental state, help with his own personal growth and then hopefully spend so fun father son time together. all of that will be ruined when he goes back to his mums until i see him again

What was the reason she was awarded primary custody and you were only allowed minimal visits? Were you two married or no?

Does she have a reason that she might suffer from PTSD even though you might disagree with that? What were the circumstances that led to your split?

Just trying to see if she has a valid reason to act so uncooperative, as you haven't explained either of your actions at the time of the split. You say you are married with a two year old son. How long have you been married? Did your new relationship have anything to do with the split?

You also don't mention if you have to pay child support to her. How is that going?

Is it possible that her lawyer has told her she should not communicate with you directly?

Again, we are not hearing her side of the story and so have an incomplete picture.

I am sorry you are frustrated.

Are social work services aware that he tried to self harm, and their is proof as the school knows, and that she did not take him to the gp, this she did not give him proper care?

Surely that must count for something? Is he old enough now to say where he wants to live if it can go back to court in light of this new self harming info?

I don't understand why you weren't able to get medical help for him? If you have parental responsibility that's all they need.

I'd stop worrying about the 20 minute drives etc etc. pick your battles.

I really feel for you but given your son's vulnerable health I don't think you can feasibly walk away.

You do need to take care of yourself (using the oxygen mask analogy) but you can do that in other ways whilst still supporting your son. Even if the support is from a distance

Ihavehadenoughalready

she was awarded primary custody as she was the mother. that was it. yes we were married and at first we had a oral agreement which she broke as soon as she could. hence the court cases.

i do not know the full extent of why she might suffer from PTSD so i cannot fully answer that. but the reason she gave to the courts was stress about always being taken to court by me. but the reason we are there is because i cannot get a straight answer out of her or her solictor

now i am not saying i am a saint and i have answered an email with anger at some point at the start of all of this back in 2015 but overall i have tried to be civil, i have tried open ended questions but these were twisted into me bullying her. now i am resorted to facts and statements which are also being twisted into me being abusive and coercive where there has never been a derogertary remark of any kind and none of 'you will do this, you will do that'

we were together for about 3 years we had our son 1 year in. we got married in 2012 and after a month she left, the reason she left was that in her mind i was being a bully and coercive where the truth is much simpler

she lied and i caught her out, and she lied over a cat where the truth was it was her sister who guilt tripped her about not seeing her that much now she is married and for some reason unsure why she decided to lie about it. at the time she did not have a full time job so she had plenty of oppurtunities to see her family

no my new relationship was not a part of it as call me old fashioned if i am with someone i am with them and if there is something wrong i try and resolve it or end it as cheating and lies hurt a lot more than the truth.

i pay child support always have and always will. even though when she stopped me from seeing my son she was straight onto child support demanding more money my son was not staying overnights with me. when i say straight onto them i mean i get the letter from the solictor on the tues and child support call on weds.

her solictor mentioned how she felt about my emails so i asked the question does all correspondence now have to go through you. this was a yes so that is what i am doing now.

i understand this is only 1 sided view and the other side will always be different and trying to see the wood through the trees is very difficult that is why i have only mentioned facts and chain of events. adding personal feelings can cloud the question and answers but yes you are right i am fully frustrated and cannot count how many times in the past few years i have cried worried sick about what is happening to my son in that house

Elieza

it was the school that alerted social services about this selfharm but to date abotu 2 months later i have still not seen any report from the doctor or social services on the outcome,

i have already requested his full medical history and someone from social services should be calling me back today but prob tomorrow now, as tomorrow is my birthday if i do not hear from them i will be on the phone 9am weds.

from what i have read the rule of thumb is that a child can make that decision between the age of 13 and 16 but that depends on the judge and the circumstances.

i will wait for social services before i go down the court route again

rishisboater

that is the rule of the doctors surgery but not all are like that, i tried to get him to see my doc for a 2nd opinion but as he was not registered there they could not. which makes sense

the 20 minutes thing i took on the chin as that was last year but that is an example of the things i have to deal with. i have to change everything while she sits there and does not compromise.

with the walking away as i said i am lost and i do not know what is the best this to do. the last thing i want to do is walk away but it is all i can think that will help at this moment in time

i will regret that is why i am asking for help

Yes I think you'll regret walking away. Perhaps a week to regroup would be a better idea?

Be firmer with the doctors. They have no right to refuse you an appointment for your son.

The school are also able to do a camhs referral so perhaps an appointment with them would be a good starting point? Although be aware CAMHs wait lists are INSANE right now. Even if there is self harm or mention of suicide it can take months or even years to get kids seen.

What I would say about social services is that they are incredibly busy and if they have done the assessment and made mum aware/ everyone is satisfied then they arent going to break their backs repeating the whole thing to you.

Your ex sounds like a total bitch and should absolutely be informing you of what's going on but your lack of communication isn't social services problem. Sorry if that sounds blunt - in an ideal world they'd be better staffed/ funded and could contact every NRP with updates

i do not want to leave him but i cannot have another 6 years on top of the 6 years i already have had of sleepness nights worrying about him, upping my doses of anti-depressants so i can sleep and think clearly

Well I'm sorry but that's called being a parent. Your child is having very serious problems, yes you stay up worrying about them, you don't abandon them! How can you even contemplate it.

someone from social services should be calling me back today but prob tomorrow now, as tomorrow is my birthday if i do not hear from them i will be on the phone 9am weds

Why can't you call them on your birthday?

rishisboater

yes i know i can imagine that everyone is under the cosh right now with the fall out of this COVID pandemic and i am just another casuality.

i have spoken to the school and in no certain words there stance is that they have done their bit and they will monitor him. when the school called me i had to fight with them to come in and see him the following day during school time.

even in that meeting when they said that if he ever needed to chat he knows where her (the teacher) door is. but as soon as i mentioned what would happen if he wanted to call me to have a chat make him laugh etc. down came the shutters and all excuses of why that would not be appropriate.

i did not let it go until they agreed that is he wanted that they would do it, but i have my suspicions that it will not happen.

for the communication i am not chasing them for it i am generally worried about him in that house. i do not know if he has covid and is in hospital on a ventialtor or he is fine or all of this was a con to see how i would react and they are using covid as an excuse. i just do not know

any seperated parent would inform the other of any issues or incidents like i did when me and my son went to cuba for my 40th (a few years ago now) and like anyone he got sun burnt. i looked after him and let her know and i sent pictures. i kept him out of the sun for two days and bathed him in after sun. full transparety

when we got back and she got him again he was whisked staright to the doctors and got them to agree is was a degree of burn (cannot remember which one) which was then used agaisnt me in court saying i am unfit parent.

but if we were still together we would of probably laughed it off and been more careful but as we are split even the smallest issues are blown way out of proportion

dreamingbohemian

yes i know it is parenting and try to do as much parenting as possible but when the other parent does not allow me to or disregards anything i have said how can that be put on me.

if he was here or he was allowed to call me whenever he wanted to things would be different. but they are not and that is not through lack of trying.

as rishisboater said they are hammered as the moment and someone constantly calling would just put there back up and be annoyed with someone constantly calling. so giving someone 24 hours i think is fair as me talking to them or being on the line to them could be stopping someone who needs immediate help.

I mean, complaining about having to commute a bit further for pick up is ridiculous. It's a drop in the bucket in comparison to parenting and juggling everything else all week. Most parents have to work their employment and shifts around child care commutes so I'm not sure why you think your ex should be responsible for completing part of your commute for you. You can't moan about her not sticking to the court order than ask her to put herself out for your own benefit (not your son's) and amend the contact order.

In terms of the self-harm, it's been dealt with and camhs input is now awaited? There is a very long waiting list for camhs and all other, similar services.

Did cafcass do a section 7 report at the time of your court hearings?

I just re read as I hadn't realised camhs referral had already been triggered.
In this case, there's nothing more you can do as they are on the case but as I say it will take ages.

If social services had concerns then you'd be made aware.

@supportivefather

I've only read through your posts and not all the other comments but quite a lot of projection happens on mumsnet and in cases like yours you will often get responses asking questions to find out what you did to the mum to make her like this or making claims/suggestions based on what they think should happen rather than based on an informed understanding of how these cases work in courts.

There is a couple of groups I think you would be better going to for advice on Facebook. One is Children's Rights UK and the other is Fathers Rights UK (family law support and advice). There are a number of Mackenzie friends on there who will be able to give you good advice on how you can best proceed through the courts to act in your son's best interests. Due to the costs of solicitors and going through the courts many of the parents on there are able to self-represent in court with their support and they are incredibly knowledgeable.

OK. Your ex has manipulated things so that you have minimal contact for the next 3(?) years. It sounds unlikely you can overturn that unless something radically changes.

She sounds like a shit mum and a shit person all round. But the bar for removing children or changing the RP is very high.

So for right now, the best thing you can do fir your child is to continue being there to the limits of the court order, to encourage him to talk to you about anything, to show no angry response if he talks shit about his mum. To just listen to him and provide a safe space.

In a few years when he is older, he can arrange contact directly with you and this horrible situation should ease somewhat. As long as you don't give up.

On a separate note, have you talked to him about the self harm? Do you think you initially reacted in the best way? When I found my son self harming, I reacted badly - like my mum did when I was self harming. "you silly thing" etc. When "I'm sorry you're feeling so sad" would have been so different. It's not too late to give a better reaction even if it wasn't great initially. He needs your love.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Also how does it take you 20mins to drive 14miles (makes sense) but then it takes another 20mins to drive just 2miles? That just doesn't make sense

Clearly you've never lived in a traffic blackspot! Think heading out of the city centre as opposed to heading in.

That's a fair answer and has made me think of a place local-ish to me the same that I had forgotten about.

I'm going to remove myself from the thread because I smell a rat in all honesty. There's nothing that would stop me from camping out at the doctors till they took self harm and thoughts of suicide from my DS seriously. I would be on the phone every day to the social work, I'd be polite as anything but if I had the concerns you do I'd be unable to not call.

People have horribly stressful lives and depression should never be taken lightly but also when you have a child you don't abandon them when things get really hard. You have been told variations on that multiple times here and you persist in saying you can't help but feel it would be in your DS's interests for you to do that. It wouldn't be. It would be highly detrimental.

If someone is under coercive contol they will not take the "opportunities to visit relatives" or whatever you said.
I'll leave the thread now.

I’m going to be frank here.

You are coming across EXTREMELY badly to me, and given that this is you giving your side of events, this is Likely to be biased In Your favour, meaning in real life your behaviour is probably even worse

You allowed a child to become severely sunburned in your care, and feel aggrieved that it wasn’t ‘laughed off’?

You are fretting and fussing about travelling an extra 20 minutes to collect your child from home instead of school, when he’s not at school because his bubble has burst?

Your ex is communicating with you, but it sounds like you want ‘explanations’ and ‘expansions’ on everything she says, and it sounds like she is being very calm and sensible in just not getting drawn in to arguments with you

You want the school to allow your son to ring you from school? Sorry, schools don’t do that. None. Ever. Urgent messages can go through the office

Nothing you have said gives me the impression that you have much of a grip on reality, or parenting.

And you are considering abandoning your son altogether over these things?

And I have to add that it’s pretty unusual for a Judge to make an order preventing you from making another application to the court for four years. How many applications have you made to the Court?