how to deal with a female ex who does not communicate

[supportivefather]

to all

i know this is not a great subject to talk about as normally it is the man that is the person not communicating but this time round it is the woman.

my son is 10 and she is main carer by law.

i am having trouble with her listening to me and putting my parental rights ahead of her hated for me

for back ground, split in 2012. 2015 she stopped me seeing my son with the reason on 'Mothering instict' no more explanation was given. 20k+ later i got to see my son again via a child order.

since then getting any form of communication or expansions on answers she has given i get called coercive and bullying or 'this is all i am saying on this matter' and then that is it.

i have many examples of this but for a few so you can see what i am expierencing

when the pandemic hit he got covid, i got an email over the weekend that he had a cough. i said that following govt guidelines he should self isolate for a week. i got a response of 'i have spoken to the school and they say it is ok'. so govt guidelines not followed

two days later i get another email saying that her and her partner have covid so everyone will be self isolating. so my parental rights were ignored and until her and her new partner got it then it was taken seriously, i asked why he was not self isolating prior to them getting covid, reply still outstanding

when everything was opened back up in june my son who was 9 at the time and only had a month left of school and in the court order i would pick him up from school, but as his year was not allowed back into school he was at home. so i collected him from home which put on an extra 20 mins each way to my journey.

then when the new term came around everything was back to normal until the 2nd lockdown. so i asked for a compromise on the collections and drop offs that they would be from the school not their house. they live 2 miles from the school i live 14 miles from the school. to get to the school i do not have to use any of the main roads which is where the traffic is so i can take 20 mins to get there. but adding on to her house that is an extra 20 minutes.

i asked for this and the response i got was 'not in dougs best interests' now that was it and even when going through her solicitor (which i think was in it just for the cash) i got the same response as they were acting for their client. so i had to make up time with work for the extra time i had taken to collect and drop him off which meant i lost that time with him.

now her mother contacted me to try and help resolve the situation but i said that she needs to speak to her daughter as i cannot tell her what to do. my son told me that when her mother went round to see her and talk to her when she found out that she had been talking to me she threw her own mother out of her house.

now this time, per the court order he should of been with me from the last day of school for a week, i got an email on the last day of his school stating that his brothers had a high tempreture and a cough so my son did not go to school that day and would be self isolating for 10 days.

i asked when he would be getting a PCR test and the results as if he is negative i could still have him for part of the time i was supposed to have him. so far no response and i doubt i will get one either,

taking her to court for breach of the child order will do nothing as she will get a stern talking to and then she can carry on.

2020 my son told me that he wanted to kill himself. i obviously talked to him about it and found out that he is having issues at their home, now i tried to get him to see someone but due to his age no one could see him without the main career being present.

i then contact the mother explained the situation and said that he needs a docs appointment to get referred to a specialist to get help. 3 weeks went by and i heard nothing. so i chased i then got an email saying the doctor has seen him and there is nothing wrong so no refferal needed.

i asked for the name of the doctor so i could speak to them, still no answer to this to date

so i contacted the surgery asked for a tel call with the doctor that he saw. i got a tel appointment for 3 weeks later.

when i finally spoke to the doctor i found out that there was no mention of him thinking about killing himself at all.

i tried to get another appointment with the doc and him so we can talk about it further and due to their rules as i am not the sole carrer i cannot make an appointment without her consent. i could not get approval

now to 2021, i got a phone call from school that my son was found trying to selfharm himself, he told a teacher that he wanted to kill himsellf. they informed social services and one of the recommendations was that they take him to docs to get him reffered to CAMS as this will be faster then them doing it.

nothing has happened and my son is still in a situation where he could harm himself.

i have been to court with her many times and nothing has changed. she is now claiming she has PTSD due to me. the courts dismissed this thank god.

so what i am asking is what do i do, she will not communicate with me directly, she will not communicate through her solictor with me.

all of this is putting my son in terriable harm

now i do understand that this could be a ploy from my son for attention but when he is with me (4 days of a month and every other mon evening for 3 hours and alternating half terms and 2 weeks 91 week at a time) in the summer holidays) he gets all of my attention and he wants for nothing.

i am at the edge of throwing in the towel and walking away due to the way she is behaving. but it is not just her, he told me that her partner tells him that 'he would be better off without his dad in his life' also that i am this that and the other. when asked what his mother does when that is being said, he said which is also quite worrying 'she does nothing as i think she is afraid of him'

i cannot carry on like this as it is not fair on myself as this is affecting me with depression and anxiety and it is showing with my job and my 2 year old son and my wife.

now i know it is not all about me and it should be about my son but how can i get the message across to her that she needs to start communciating better for the sake of him so he can see us getting along even if it is only on the surface and for her to stop her partner bad mouthing me.

sorry for going on but i did not want to just say a little bit and not give a full explanation of what i am dealing with so everyone can see that i am trying.

so do i throw in the towel (which i do not want to do but all parenting sites say that you need to look after yourself first) or carry on banging my head agaisnt a wall and hoping one day she will see what she is doing to our son.

now i know that me leaving is not the right thing to do but if it eases the stress that her and her partner have around me then that should improve his homelife and all in all improve his mental well being, or it may back fire and make it worse

i just do not know what to do

thank you for reading

i tried to get another appointment with the doc and him so we can talk about it further and due to their rules as i am not the sole carrer i cannot make an appointment without her consent

Yes you can. You have parental responsibility, you have as much right to make medical/school appointments as she does. Only one parent is needed to consent to medical treatment.

We had this a lot. We had a letter drawn up pointing out dh had PR and if their policy was to have all parties with PR present/consent to medical test or whatever then it worked both ways- she couldn’t make medical appts without his consent either.

There is a specific law addressing this which I can’t recall. Ask your solicitor. We got one letter written which we sent every time a dr or school refused to talk to dh without her consent. We usually got an immediate phone call.

Do you feel your child is being abused in the mother's home?

I would love to hear the mums side.

now i know it is not all about me and it should be about my son
It does not come across like you believe this at all. Every post reads like it is all about you and your rights. Children have rights. Parents have responsibilities. And if you believe your child is suicidal, you're also responsible on, shock horror, your birthday. Even the extra 20 minute drive!

And I have to add that it’s pretty unusual for a Judge to make an order preventing you from making another application to the court for four years. How many applications have you made to the Court?
I also wondered this. And it adds to the validity of your ex’s claims of PTSD about court demands.

Which parenting forum are you on that tell you parents happiness is more important than contact with your child?

Right, here’s what you do: Just stop any mental conflict you have going on with the mother. You have two roads open to you here either 1. Winning (whatever that means) a conflict with her or 2. being a good dad. Pick 2.

I’m a Dad with a hostile ex myself, and trust me losing your rag will be unproductive and put you at a disadvantage. Have a few close friends/family you can go to to vent frustrations with, but keep it away from your interactions with her, and more importantly from your son.

Don’t abandon him, and I’m sorry to have to say this, but pull yourself together man. I get this is an intensely stressful situation, but the world rarely care’s about a man’s mental health, so you have to take care of that yourself. You cannot get away with emotional outbursts as easily as a woman can in these situations as it will be used as evidence of your instability, whereas her outbursts will be spun as evidence of your bad action.

Go find a shit hot therapist (it’s better to spend the money on that than reams of unproductive court appearances) and work through the stresses and worries this whole situation brings up, so you can be fully present and available for your son as it sounds like he’s going to need it.

Log EVERYTHING, write chronologies of all that happens. Bend over backwards to maintain positive relations with his school, and again hold back on directly criticising his mother. That puts you in an automatic box in a lot of women’s minds (as this very thread demonstrates) and most of his teachers will be women, especially at his age.

I’ve been much more fortunate than you in that I have been able to formalise (and defend) close to pretty much 50/50 contact through two court actions, I’d advise against pushing for more contact unless your solicitor gives you clear advice that you have a strong case. Focus on your relationship with your son, give him the stable environment his mother isn’t giving him and make sure he know he will always have a home with you. Maybe get him a phone that he can call you at any time on. Research indicates that in separated homes children are more likely to thrive when they feel they can access either parent when they need to. So try to stress less about “your” time or his “mother’s” time and work to ensure he can access you both when he feels he needs to, so that means making sure he can also get phone his mum when at yours.

One other thing to bear in mind and this is the primary reason I advocate dropping the hostility is that he will very much love and identify with the both of you, and seeing the conflict going on between you will put him in psychological conflict internally, don’t add to that.

Deal with the next immediate issue, namely his suicidal ideation. Pushing for more contact may well slide him into being more vulnerable to it as conflict between his parents escalates. And besides you are a scant few years away from him basically being able to decide for himself how much time he spends with you both. There won’t be much his mother (or you), will be able to do to frustrate his wishes.

Anyway best of luck!

Your child got severe sunburn and you expected it to be laughed off?

@Uramaki

Your child got severe sunburn and you expected it to be laughed off?

Would this be grounds for a ban on unsupervised access?

Not only because this serious, dangerous neglect which could go on to have major repercussions in the child’s future,

But because of the minimising of doing serious harm, which indicates total failure of judgment in keeping a child safe

What sane person expects a sunburnt child to be laughed off?

And you can’t remember what degree burns your ex ‘forced’ the doctor to diagnose you had caused in your child?

You sound like what my ex bil probably would if he were to give his "side of the story"- and he'd be convinced he was telling the truth, too. Reality is my dsis got residency for very good reasons and he is an emotionally abusive disgrace of a man.

Seems like you want everyone to do as you want. World doesn't work like that.

What is stopping you from contacting the gp for medical history?
what is preventing you from getting him a mobile? The school aren't making excuses, it is inappropriate. What happens if they all then want to start phoning home? Or if he wants to call you daily and stay on the phone all day?

The sunburn must have been worse than you claim and wasn't it nice of you to just keep him in for a few days. Notice no mention of you seeking medical attention for him.

She is answering you.
can you explain why it's in his best interest to go and wait outside his school for you?

Are you grilling him about what going on at mums house?

The other side of this story is a woman posting on here asking for help as her controlling ex keeps taking her to court over their young son and now she has PTSD and the son is traumatised.

If she was being controlled by you in the relationship then yes she will keep her responses v brief and only answer what she needs to. And your dismissive tone of her "mothering instinct" which means a mum trying to keep her DS safe. Phrases you use like "reply still outstanding" and your clear annoyance at being asked to drive an extra 20 mins all point to you trying to control things

No, schools don't let pupils speak to parents on the phone. For that to happen you'd need an EHCP in place that required phone calls to happen and even that is pretty unheard of. It would need to be proven that it was essential to your son for his needs to be met.

Why can’t you call social services on your birthday? It’s not a bank holiday love.

Wanting severe sunburn - which can be very serious - to be laughed off like it’s not a genuine case of dangerous neglect (it is), you really are coming across as selfish and disjointed here and this is you painting yourself in a good light. Currently unsurprised you don’t have residency and as a PP said, it’s also unusual to be refused another application for four years by a judge - gives weight to those accusations of being bullying and coercive. Maybe she’s right.

Also, unless you were using a pseudonym you’ve given your sons real name in the OP - you may wish to contact the MN team to have this removed.

That’s not no mother!

Keep trying, it’s all you can do, when his 16 prepare for him to move in with you, as I imagine he will be leaving her like a shot.

Poor kid stuck in the middle of all this.
I think as you don’t do a lot of child care driving a few extra miles is a non issue. Your ex travelling two miles then having to wait if you are late etc seems daft. Let your son wait in his own home and not disrupt everyone’s evening for your minor convenience.
Your post smacks of ‘there is more to this story’ if she is grey rocking you there might be a good reason.
If what you say I’d objectively true and your ex unreasonable then you need to do what you can to make your sons life easier and provide unconditional support. Be there for him, listen to him, see him more.

The sunburn must have been worse than you claim and wasn't it nice of you to just keep him in for a few days. Notice no mention of you seeking medical attention for him

Thats unfair. It might have been op’s birthday on that day…

I don’t think the OP will be back. They seem like the type to simply write off any and all criticism, abs find a way to continue to self justify, probably deciding we are all militant man haters or something.

They are not the type to admit to themselves that their parenting is dangerously neglectful, their grievances are petty, and their demands of their ex are bullying

The sunburn is worrying. You can't really laugh off any degree of burn and if courts are involved it would have been crucial for her to document that it didn't happen on her watch

Cassandra thanks needed that, a rare time coffee landed on my screen 😁

Reading through its easy to understand why the court have imposed the 4 year thing.
Lots of time to get help and understand your feelings aren't important. What is important is what is in the best interests of your child.

And who dragged her mum into it? Is be booting her out as well if she came into my home to badger me about the pain in the ass ex

This is so messed up. The poor child. I have been to court 14 times and even though it was discussed taking a "barring order out","it was not deamed enough! These are very very rare orders. The judge has the right to agree to allow a court hearing to happen or not! That is the meaning of this kind of order.
There is far far more to this story than meets the eye.

I think youre too involved in what happens when hes not with you. I dont think you need to be in lots of contact with your ex or to create conflict where there doesnt need to be any. You dont need to be contacting her mother.
I think you have access and you should just pick your child up at home if thats what the other parent prefers as it isnt a huge deal, and you need to concentrate on making sure that things are not a battle. Dont speak to your kid about his mum. Its likely stressful for your son. You dont need to be calling the school and doctors.
Keep your weekends with him nice, and just be there if and when he needs you.
mental health care for children is even worse than for adults btw, and that wont necessarily be your exes fault if they arent "fixing" the issue as urgently as youd like. This is pretty much the case for any kid that is self harming or who has mentioned suicide before, and unfortunately there are a lot of kids that this is a problem for now.
To me this reads like you and your ex are locking horns and its the kid that suffers, but she shouldnt have to deal with you if she finds it stressful. As long as she is not blocking access then thats the main thing. She doesnt want to co-parent. She just wants you to leave her alone, but youve got access and that is the main thing for you and your kid.
Dont make it weird as otherwise its you who will lose out when the kid is old enough to have a say in it

Your posts come across as very wordy and long-winded to me OP. Could it be you are one of those relentless arguers and nitpickers who just grind people down which is why your ex is grey-rocking you? You may not realise that you are doing this but it is extremely soul-destroying for the recipient of this type of behaviour. You say your ex does not "explain" or "expand" on things but maybe that is because you will just use that as another excuse for an argument? Obviously I don't know the full story but it might be worthwhile taking a long hard look at your OWN communication style to help improve future relations with your ex and son.

i came to this site to get advice from women on my situation and how the best way to handle it

for you ladies i thank you from the bottom of my heart

for all of the others that have said that you smell a rat, or concentrating on one thing i.e. the 20 minutes extra or you feel that comuninctaion that i am recieving is adequate and i should not ask for expansions on answers and i should just take it. you are the stereotypical EX's that all men fear who go through life with blinkers on and expect everyything you way and i feel pity for you i really do

i am going to close this account as i feel the overall community is very helpful but the minority will spoil it and sour the advice that actual people want to give.

Look mate (I’m a guy btw!), this is an emotive subject, and both men and women tend to retreat into their in groups often across gender (or sex?) lines over these sorts of situations. Remember their frustrations with you are likely reflective of royal shit men they have had to deal with.

Look I get it’s frustrating I have to drive a half hour and have had to deal with hours long waits, or they have been isolating and no courtesy call was forthcoming, or simply not been in, there have been many a wasted journey.

But do you know what? It’s not in my power to make my ex courteous or empathic, so it really isn’t a hill I’d choose to die on. It just comes with the territory to get to be involved in my son’s life. It IS however very much in my power to not be frustrated by it, so that’s the road I choose to take. I suggest you do the same! Anyway best of luck!