I feel lonely and so low

[TTlover]

Hi everyone.

I am 25 years old and live with my partner of 8 years and my dog.

I work as a teacher and do not have many friends outside of work. Inside of work relationships are ok, but never meet people outside of work. Moving to a new school soon.

Summer holidays are always bitter sweet. I enjoy the time but it reminds me of how lonely I am.

All I do is housework and walk the dog. My partner comes home from work and shuts him self away most of the time playing his PlayStation. Every time I ask him if we can do something, it’s always ‘I’m tired’, ‘I’ve been out working’, which is fine, but I’m just missing that quality time. Every time we spend time together it always revolves around the house (we have been doing renovations).

I don’t want to look to my partner for the key to my happiness, this isn’t a fair burden to put on him either. I just feel so lonely.

I asked my partner if we could walk to the local pub for a drink this evening and he has said that he doesn’t see the point of walking and getting all hot and sweaty to have a drink when we have drinks at home. I just burst out crying. He probably thinks I’m crazy.

How can I fix this? I can’t do another lonely summer.

Sorry you are feeling lonely x
What do you enjoy doing, or would like to try doing? Writing, running, singing, scrabble, knitting? Joining a group (even online at first if you are shy) could be a great way to meet people- with restrictions easing, lots of groups eg choirs are meeting again. And you have the safety net of talking about/doing the activity so you don't have to make small talk.

As to your partner, that sounds tough. What are the good things about your relationship?

So sorry OP. Some people don't realise that relationships take work. I have found that after 16years and 4 children together that I have had enough of being everything but a lover and a friend we will pursue a no fault divorce. I was 27 when we married and I am 43 now. I want to be loved. I want real friends, not just virtual ones and a real life... Your youth is precious, enjoy it.

You are far too young to feel this way.

He needs a stern talking to and if things don't change you need to leave. This isn't what you were given your life for!

Op, you’ve been with your partner for a long time and it could be that you’ve outgrown each other considering you were so young when you met.

@Phoenixrising2020 @NickingBentCoppers

Thank you for your responses.

My partner has recently been through depression himself due to a family matter what was out of his control. He is overweight and doesn’t seem to want to do much unless it involves eating or gaming.

Perhaps I’m high maintenance or desperate looking to him for answers?

I know it sounds completely crazy, but I have even considered having a baby so that at least I have some company. I never would at this point - and I know that a baby needs a lot more than companionship- but this just goes to show my desperation.

I’m sick of browsing through Facebook and seeing everyone else married, with children, out with friends at parties, living their lives and I just feel lonely and trapped.

Please please please leave him while you're still young. This won't get any better and you're only 25. You deserve so much more.

Nothing is more lonely than having a baby to look after

Op, you got together with your partner during very important formative years and whilst these relationships can work out long term the chances that they will are small.

And it’s good you can see that now isn’t the time to have a baby because it really is the time to be experiencing all that you missed out on in your teens and early 20’s.

Don’t leave it till you’re in your late 50’s to make changes the way some people do 😉

Thank you all. Sometimes I feel what you’re saying.

My partner is a sensitive and sweet guy- sometimes selfish - but we all have our faults.

I have a mortgage with him and a dog, my family love him. Just feels like a lot to lose if the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

As lonely as I am now, how will I ever get out and meet somebody new?

I don’t think he’s the right person for you, op. It sounds as though he’s dragging you down with him and is making no effort to make you happy. You are young and you deserve better.

These comments are not ok. It is not her partners faul that she has no friends and it’s not his job to entertain her

Op, I’m sorry you’re lonely. What do you do to try to meet people, to make friends?

Your partner's attitude sounds frustrating, but I don't know enough about him to judge whether you should leave or not. Regardless or whether you are in a relationship with an introvert, or if you become newly single, it's time to start meeting people. Ignore his negative attitude and make plans on your own.

What are you doing, and what do you fancy? Look for community events, sports or hobby clubs, facebook groups. Once you find people you like, reach out to them to get their number and make plans to meet up. It's difficult to break out of a cycle of loneliness, because it takes bravery to put yourself out there, but its certainly doable.

The grass is definitely greener!

@TTlover

Thank you all. Sometimes I feel what you’re saying.

My partner is a sensitive and sweet guy- sometimes selfish - but we all have our faults.

I have a mortgage with him and a dog, my family love him. Just feels like a lot to lose if the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

As lonely as I am now, how will I ever get out and meet somebody new?

Op, you don’t have to get out and meet someone new. You just have to get out and meet you 😊! Find out who you are, experience new things, Travel, everything else will fall into place and within a short time you’ll be able to look at everything anew.

And yes, it would be hard on your partner, your family etc but I would put money on your partner not taking long to start enjoying life either. And your family? Surely they would only want to see you happy.

I think you might need to be bold, put yourself out there and be proactive about creating a wider social life. I remember when I was in my early 30s (I am 51 now) I had just split up with somebody, didn’t have many friends and got myself into a bit of a social rut. So I thought about thinks I would enjoy doing and set out to join some groups. I learnt to scuba dive and joined a scuba group that I did some weekend trips and a holiday away with. But the most successful activity I took up with a view to meeting people was walking. There is, or was, a Ramblers group but for under 35s and I was out with them many weekends and soon joined a friendship group and we started to meet up socially and not just for walks.

Your boyfriend sounds old before his time and might be holding you back socially. Are you sure this is what you want?

Perhaps I’m high maintenance or desperate looking to him for answers

You'll do yourself a massive favour if you drop this line of thinking. You want what you want, end of. If you take loads of maintenance, that's how it is. The way to choose a partner is to find someone who meets your needs, not to amend your needs to what they want to provide.

Many many single people are very happy. They do it by filling their lives with things that make them smile, and by recognising that they are worthy of respect and decency and love from themselves. Doubting your own emotions (like the quote ^^) is not a way of respecting yourself. Would you ever say that to a friend?

Friend - I'm so lonely.
You - You're just high maintenance and needy.

See how unpleasant it is?

Dear OP, yes it's true that we are each responsible for your own happiness.

But this doesn't mean you have no right to be upset at a partner who would rather spend his free time gaming.

It's a two part problem - working on your individual happiness and working on the relationship with your partner. The relationship with your partner is also part of your individual happiness.

You need to pick your moment and have an honest talk with him about how you feel and what needs to change. Why you cried when he wouldn't go for a walk with you. Maybe you could start by getting him to agree to do one thing a week outside of the house together. A movie, a meal, drink, walk .. anything. Tell him he must try for both your sakes.

For yourself, what do you like? I recommend you look at finding an exercise class to join once a week. Or volunteer for something, join a choir, a book club, salsa class, gardening group .. Something that will make you happy and feel a bit excited. What is available to you where you are?

FYI, I had a baby during a lonely time in my life and it was awful. An overwhelming, lonely, exhausting, isolating slog. Please think hard before you make this decision.

Do you have any family you can get some support from? If so talk to them about how you feel.
Also I think you are quite brave and self aware for examining your life and admitting you feel unhappy.

You can do this OP

There has got to be a more compatible part

• partner for you out there. You're wasting precious time on this guy. You want more!

Well what are YOU doing about it OP? This is your life, stop blaming him. Be proactive.

It’s no way to live - your youth is precious and will one day be gone

OP if you don’t want to leave your relationship- which is understandable if you do love him and enjoy spending time with him - even if right now it doesn’t feel amazing.

But you can’t expect your relationship to fulfil all your needs in life. Even the most fun, loving, exciting and wild partners still need days off, time to themselves, time with friends etc.

What you probably need to do is explore the ways you can solve the loneliness by yourself first. Fill your own life with fun and interesting things then your partner will either compliment this - by being your happy safe place, who is happy for you to go out and be a social butterfly and won’t try to stop but be your comfy, quiet companion at home or it will become clear that you’ve outgrown the relationship. Hopefully it will be the first one and you can have the fun and friendships you want as well as your relationship.

Do you like exercise at all? Join a running club, doesn’t have to be a big one, most towns have the “sisters r doing it” or “this girl can” groups which are generally small groups of women who meet once a week.

How about crafting or knitting - that’s very popular. A book club?
A walking group with the dog - there are quite a few dog walking groups near me, lots of people.

It’s really hard to make friends as an adult and so many people struggle with it but if you want it to change YOU have to change it.

Your partner is not going to suddenly perk up and start dragging you to raves and amusement parks so if you want to find a social life you must go and do it alone and just hope he’ll support it!

You’ve lived your whole life with one man who doesn’t make you happy.
Can you take another possible 70 years of that?

Hi all. Thank you for your comments.

I have calmed down a bit now and had a talk with my partner who is willing to make more of an effort.

Having said this, I realise that he is not responsible for all of my happiness.

I always try to arrange things socially.

There is a women’s group where I live on Facebook and a lady, in her 30s with a dog, has asked if I would like to come on a walk.

I want to but something is stopping me. I feel like this with all social situations. It is almost the fear of the unknown I suppose.

Op, making changes can be really scary but a dog walk with someone from the women’s group sounds like a really. good place to start. Just say yes and take it from there.

@Tealwarrior Don’t leave it till you’re in your late 50’s to make changes the way some people do

Exactly what I did! Do not wait for too long. You are obviously not happy in this relationship, you are young and you have a whole life in front of you. Leave him! Most of all, please do not have a child in this situation, it will not make things better.