I feel lonely and so low

[TTlover]

Hi everyone.

I am 25 years old and live with my partner of 8 years and my dog.

I work as a teacher and do not have many friends outside of work. Inside of work relationships are ok, but never meet people outside of work. Moving to a new school soon.

Summer holidays are always bitter sweet. I enjoy the time but it reminds me of how lonely I am.

All I do is housework and walk the dog. My partner comes home from work and shuts him self away most of the time playing his PlayStation. Every time I ask him if we can do something, it’s always ‘I’m tired’, ‘I’ve been out working’, which is fine, but I’m just missing that quality time. Every time we spend time together it always revolves around the house (we have been doing renovations).

I don’t want to look to my partner for the key to my happiness, this isn’t a fair burden to put on him either. I just feel so lonely.

I asked my partner if we could walk to the local pub for a drink this evening and he has said that he doesn’t see the point of walking and getting all hot and sweaty to have a drink when we have drinks at home. I just burst out crying. He probably thinks I’m crazy.

How can I fix this? I can’t do another lonely summer.

It is not to say that he is a bad guy, or that you are bad, just not compatible. I do not understand why so many of us think (myself included) that we have to sacrifice our happiness for the sake of staying in marriage or a relationship. Isn't the whole point of a relationship to enhance one's experience, make it better, happier, fuller?

I want to but something is stopping me. I feel like this with all social situations. It is almost the fear of the unknown I suppose

Try everything once (as long as it's not harmful, obviously!) Everything is scary for everybody, the first time they do it. Getting the hang of navigating that fear rather than shying away from it will be life changing. Don't decide you don't want to do a thing until you know what it's like doing the thing. Otherwise, how can you judge?

Look on the Meet Up site to see if there are groups you could join? Join a local tennis club? Find a teacher FB group? Exercise class? Art class? You've got to get out to meet people. But agree, DP should be giving you some time and attention.

I have decided that my husband and I are separately responsible for our own needs. He is a lovely man mostly, but we are incompatible. I have shed a few tears about it, but I want us both to be happy. I have lost my confidence so I have begun doing online courses and inviting people to visit... I have to start somewhere. I really do hope that things get better for you. Your dp really should be putting some work into the relationship.

OP, while it is your responsibility to adapt your own hobbies, you should also be with someone who can inspire you and be a real partner, not a flat mate. The people around us give or take energy and your partner doesn't seem like someone who is adding to your life. Someone who at 25 only wants to game all day is not going to suddenly become a dynamic, fun loving individual. You're far too young to be stuck in a relationship that's already so boring. Not even being able to come with you to the pub or walk the dog - Christ, there's more to life than this drudgery!

So leave him, focus on your hobbies and interests or find new ones. Explore who you are outside a relationship - and then find someone who is compatible with that, and who can share experiences and adventures with you. At 25 you have a lot of opportunities and life left to do all this. There is definitely a happier, better way to be.

I could have written this 12 years ago . Same thing about having a child. Leave now ( I promise you 100 percent this will not improve ) life will get more lonely with a child . There will be more excuses. The best that will happen if you have a child is a few years will pass where you will be occupied with the baby ( excuse all the crap behaviour that was happening before the baby) the baby will grow up ; you’ll have a young child who develops there own little social life and you’ll notice the enormous gap between the two of you. That’s real loneliness then; being surrounded but feeling very alone. You shouldn’t be feeling like this you know it deep down . I’ve been there .

I really don’t know why some posters are recommending a women with no friends who is lonely and scared of social situations bins her partner.

Wtaf is that about. Why would she do that. So she can meet someone who only permits her to go out with him? So she can be even lonelier alone?

No one is responsible for someone else’s complete social life. The op has personal responsibility and needs to get help with her social anxiety and go meet peoooe and make friends.

Your social life needs to be expanded, but a better social life isn't going to fix a relationship where you feel unfulfilled and lonely in it.

Have a look at this thread. There have been quite a few like it on Mumsnet -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4300110-partner-just-admitted-he-doesn-t-want-to-be-with-me

Gamers are often heavily introverted and depending on what he's like otherwise, he might not need human company like you do, not even in a relationship. You will always feel like you have to ask him to spend time with you(which always has to be in conjunction with doing something as simply spending time with you as a person isn't enough of a justification for him to break away from his gaming). These men often enjoy the novelty of having a girlfriend for the first few years, then it wears off and you start becoming part of the furniture and feeling invisible as they shut themselves away doing their hobbies. You are convenient to have in the background as a security blanket or for sex, but they just can't be bothered with anything more. To them, spending time with you isn't relaxing. It's almost like another form of work.

It's not unreasonable to want to do simple things with your partner. For God's sake, you're not asking him to trek through Mongolia with you!!! But going to the pub is too much. Yes, going to the pub is expensive compared to drinking at home, but there are people there. People you might be able to make friends with. If he's in his mid 20s and already living life as a hermit, if he doesn't have a zest for life and tends to shoot doen your suggestions to do anything, he won't get better. He will simply become more rigid and hermitic as he gets older, most likely.

Yes, of course it's important you make friends, but the reality is that most women these days don't have a lot of friends to do things with when they like. You might want to go walking somewhere on a certain day, but it doesn't mean they'll have time or want to do the same thing on the same day. People devote more and more time to their families as they get older, and so your choice of partner becomes even more relevant and important in your life.

I have calmed down a bit now and had a talk with my partner who is willing to make more of an effort

Therein lies the problem.

Sometimes people do get in a rut but if he has to make an effort just to do basic things like going to a pub or cafe then I think your relationship will be an uphill struggle for the both of you. It's often in mid 20s that people really discover who they are more, and he seems to be very happy being by himself, at home most of the time gaming.

No one should have to make an effort to meet someone else's basic needs, and yours are very, very basic and reasonable. For one thing it's a liability. If he has to make an effort, it's simply not natural for him and when the going gets tough, this is what he will fall back to being. Additionally, you might find that spending time with someone who you feel is doing you a favour doesn't really feel good, especially if you can see that he's not really enjoying himself or he would clearly rather be at home gaming.

If he's always been a bit like this as a person, then that is who he'll always be, most likely. A baby won't solve that, and they are in no way your friend or substitutes for good adult company. If you had a baby with him, I can see you coming back onto this forum, possibly with post-natal depression on top of everything else, saying how lonely you are and that your husband is still gaming and not paying attention to you and the baby, that you almost never have family days out together or he never wants to come with you to the park, not doing his far share because he's always tired, that he's gained 5 stone and you no longer want to have sex with him and that you're frustrated he won't even look after his own health.

You are suggesting staying with someone who does nothing but game and eat for the rest of your life because you have a house and your family like him?? You have a good job, you can sell a house. Not having someone at home dragging you down will take a weight off your shoulders and you can take some time to please yourself

@TTlover It sounds like he's had a tough time but to be honest it also doesn't sound like he's making you happy really! You're right in that a partner cannot be everything to you and shouldn't have to be, but my goodness you shouldn't feel lonely when they're home! Him shutting himself away and rejecting all plans is not ok!

Also, as a PP said, a baby makes you even lonelier in some ways! I had one recently and whilst I still see friends there are solid days where everyone's at work and you are inside a lot of the day or on your own a lot of the day. My husband is really hands on in all aspects bar breastfeeding (as he should be!) and that has made it much better but if your partner isn't involved just consider how it'll be to feel lonely, hormonal, sick and tired and also in the care of another human being 24/7 no breaks ever (or for a long time at least!)

*just re read and saw that you don't actually want a baby right now. Sorry OP.
Still - I think your partner needs to buck up or you need to find someone else because you are so so so young and the grass for you could definitely be greener. New school move on the horizon as well you said so you may well make more friends there!

Whilst I agree that we are all responsible for our own social lives and happiness, one way we deal with that responsibility is to choose our realationships carefully and be willing to leave them if they are not right for us. It sounds as though your DP just wants to sit on his own with his games, and would rather do that than spend time with you.

Anti-social tendancies tend to get worse with age IME by the way. So whatever he's like now, it could be a lot worse as you get older.

You are so young, but I think you're seeing this as something you've invested 8 years in and so it's hard to walk away. By the way - don't stay because your family like someone. I would HATE to think my DD would be unhappy with someone but stay because I liked them. Your family - if they are good people - will just want you to be happy, whatever that takes. At 25 you have bags of time to meet someoen better suited who will make you happy. Someone who wants to spend a decent amount of their downtime with you. Someone who wants you to be happy.

Being lonely is awful, especially with social media bombarding us with what everyone else is busy doing...

I have a happy relationship with my husband but, like you say, it's not healthy to depend exclusively on your OH. I was lonely because I didn't have friends locally. I joined a social group via MeetUp.com - not a hobbies based one as my hobbies are solo activities - but one for women in their 20s who wanted to make new friends. I was so scared to go to the first meet-up and almost backed out. Not everyone there became a future friend, but some did and it's really improved my mental health to have new connections and be getting out more.

It really surprised me the number of women in their 20s who don't have a big social circle around them, but it can be very difficult to make new friends as an adult. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone to make real changes.

You're not alone in feeling lonely

What lovely messages from you all. I am really overwhelmed by the support and I’m feeling much better today.

I have managed to get a date in the diary to meet some old uni friends who I haven’t seen for a while, and I’m meeting up with my new work team at the pub for some drinks during the summer.

Going away with the partner this weekend (caravan holiday - no gaming obviously!) it will be interesting to see whether he actually enjoys his time with me (and our dog) or whether he is not enthusiastic.

Tonight we had fish and chips in the garden. It was lovely just to sit down and talk about our days. I wish every day could be like that

You all have made me realise that I cannot settle if I am not happy. And yes - it’s a scary prospect to walk away after 8 years. Also very scary to put extra responsibility into my parents if I have to move in with them at any point. They have always had an open door policy, but they were so proud when we both saved for a house by 21, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

But hey - pride or happiness? I choose happiness.

Thank you everyone. X