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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needs in a relationship - am I getting it all wrong?

36 replies

PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 11:43

How do you express your needs in a relationship?

How do you know what needs are reasonable and which are not?

What constitutes ‘being needy’?

I ask because I feel like a mess where all this is concerned. For instance I want to DP to book time off work for a long weekend but when he’s busy and says he’s not sure he can think about it yet as work is busy etc, I just feel awful and apologise for pressuring him, then at the same time feel shit and upset because I want to go away together. Then I feel needy and it just continues like that. My friends tell me I need to be more assertive about what I want and expect it of him. But I feel like maybe things like expecting him to book a day off is unreasonable?! How do I know if that is actually needy or not?

Similarly, he’s going away Friday for a week with work. I’d like us to have dinner one night this week, out, at a restaurant, or a takeaway - happy with either. But just make a night of it as he will be away for a week after that. Im anxious about asking him as he may well say he’s too busy in the lead up to going away, and then I won’t know how to respond?! Some of my friends say they would be furious if their partner couldn’t set aside two hours one evening a week before they are away for 8 nights. But I don’t know if it’s ok to make a fuss about that or express that I want it? I also don’t want to be needy?!

I probably sound really confused and mixed up. I am. I’m just not sure how to deal with these thighs that come up so much. I end up bending to fit my partner and I’ve done it with all my partners so it’s not just this DP. Am I doing this wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 11:44

*these things not thighs!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/07/2021 11:51

I end up bending to fit my partner

No, it shouldn't be all one-sided. He sounds very selfish and you sound as if you have no self-confidence. So he's basically walking all over you.

How long have you been together? Do you live together?

There's nothing wrong with asking to spend time with your partner. But just being brushed aside as if you don't matter must be very hurtful.

HelenHywater · 19/07/2021 12:11

It doesn't sound normal to me OP, but what have you been like in other relationships? Is it the norm for you to feel anxious?

I have been in a relationship where I felt exactly like you ,but I have also been in relationship where there has been no anxiety, where I have not felt needy, where I have felt important and loved. I will never stay in a relationship like the former again. I think it said more about my dp than me.

Ime if you feel anxious and needy, it's because the relationship isn't meeting your needs, not because you are getting it wrong.

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 12:18

Context is important here. If his work is vital and he genuinely can't take time off for a long weekend or even a couple of hours prior to his week away, then you need to understand, be supportive and (crucially) have other plans to fill your time. I would hate to be snowed under with work and then have the pressure of placating my partner.

If - on the other hand - he is making work an excuse not to see you, then you need to think about how high you are on his priority list. Either way having your own life, interests and friends would give you a better balance.

Fromablokespoint · 19/07/2021 12:25

Yes you are doing it wrong, sorry to be so blunt. You are not being needy just asking for reasonable things.

If he cannot set aside a few hours one evening before he goes away then he is probably not that invested in the relationship. No matter how busy we are there is always time and more importantly if he wanted then HE WOULD make the time.

And as for not finding time in the future to book a long weekend??? These are things he should be excited about, jiggle his diary, plan the workload so that they can happen.

Rethink what you want out of the relationship - asking for time together should never be an issue.

Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 12:27

Yeah so his work is definitely important but equally it is not impossible for him to take a day off especially planned in advance.

I guess I just wonder if me stating I WANT to have dinner one night and want it to be totally dedicated to us (ie just an hour and a half at a pub!), rather than half checking emails and half planning for the next day. Is that ok? Is that fair? I don’t know.

And if it is fair, how do I express it? And how do I react if he doesn’t actually engage?

I do have confidence but I don’t like to put people out. I am upset and sad though that he can’t understand why this bothers me.

He’s a good man though, very caring. I’m his longest relationship though and we’ve only been together 18 months.

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 19/07/2021 12:30

If you mean anything to him he would want to make time with you. I would expect him to arrange to see you if he was going away next week.

How long have you been together, because dating really shouldn't be this hard.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 19/07/2021 12:36

He should be wanting to see you before he goes and go on trips away with you etc. It sounds as though he isn't very invested in the relationship

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 12:56

It's perfectly reasonable to tell him that you feel that you're less of a priority to him than his work, and that if he thinks that's going to continue to be the case then it would be better to part as friends. He will either agree with you (which is sad but will save you weeks/months of uncertainty) or he will step up and change his work/life balance.

pitterpatterrain · 19/07/2021 12:59

Sounds hard work

Can’t imagine how tedious it would get with DC “no I can’t do anything I am so BUSY with my man work”

TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 13:05

Your needs are never wrong. They, and the rest of your feelings, define you. They are the core of who you are. They are part of nature, and are as controllable as the weather. All you can do is observe them, and respond in an appropriate way. So, you have a look at your feeling, and if you think it's reasonable, then it is. Do this with all your feelings.

The big job is to find people who agree with you about when your feelings are reasonable or not. These are 'your people', and you will feel safe being yourself around them. If you spend lots of time with people who make you feel that your feelings are somehow wrong (like 'needy', for example), you will drive yourself slowly bananas due to surpressing your nature.

So, yes, you're doing it wrong. State how you feel about a thing, calmly. Watch the other person's response. If it makes you feel good, great. If it makes you feel bad, communicate that, and then watch the response again. Anybody who keeps doing stuff that makes you feel bad, distance yourself from.

That's it. If you stick to that, you will filter out, over time, the people with whom you feel crappy, and you will gather more people with whom you feel good. No assertiveness, no telling anybody what to do. Just share your feelings, and observe responses.

girlmom21 · 19/07/2021 13:06

Just tell him you've booked a table at X pub on Wednesday, for example, and that it'd be nice if both left your phones at home/in pockets etc so you can have some quality time before he goes away.

It's not unreasonable at all to do/say that.

Does he make much effort to prioritise you over his work sometimes? You should be able to express your needs without this anxiety.

Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 13:32

Thanks @TheFoundations that makes sense.

@girlmom21 I never feel prioritised over his work but I do know that he sees me instead of friends for example if he’s in a very busy patch. He will also do nice things and buy food I like etc. He gets very stressed so I know much of it is about his anxiety rather than about me if that makes any sense?! I have sent a text with what you suggested. If he says he can’t fit it in, how would you respond?

I just feel a bit like he’s not raring to go with booking holiday or wanting to fit me in. Maybe I need to step back.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 19/07/2021 13:39

I just feel a bit like he’s not raring to go with booking holiday or wanting to fit me in. Maybe I need to step back

Indeed. Remember you are not an option!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2021 13:46

Do you live together?

If he works in health, education, emergency services or hospitality then I think you have to accept that these are careers which require a huge amount of extra curricular time.

However, the fact he's never had a relationship last longer than 18 months. That definitely tells you something.

Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 13:47

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he just said that things always fizzled out after a couple of months or so. Or they moved away. Etc. He’s 35.

OP posts:
Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 13:48

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation no we don’t live together, usually spend 3 nights a week together

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 13:49

He gets very stressed so I know much of it is about his anxiety rather than about me if that makes any sense

His anxiety is part of him, as much as your needs are a part of you. Careful not dismiss your own discomfort because 'it's caused by his anxiety'. It's ok to respect your needs, even if they're caused by someone else's diagnosis or illness or disability, or anything they can't do anything about. Just because they're not doing it 'on purpose' or 'to hurt you', doesn't mean that they're not doing it. Some people aren't compatible because their anxiety tolerance doesn't match, or because they have different levels of neediness. Nobody is wrong, just a mismatch of personalities. Always put your feelings first. In a healthy relationship, your partner being happy will be one of your priorities, but not when it's regularly at the expense of your own happiness.

Badhabits1 · 19/07/2021 13:49

I think it’s fine to say, ‘Let’s do something this week …. as you’re going away…’ and expect him to show an interest. If he’s not interested, then you have a problem.

You make it sound like you want to demand it but maybe you feel like you have to because if you don’t, it won’t happen.

girlmom21 · 19/07/2021 15:02

In my opinion, if he says he can't fit it in I'd completely cool things off until he manages to make the effort to make time for you himself.

It's fine for him to have work commitments but it's not fine for you to have to always fit around that. There needs to be some compromise.

Exceptions if he has an extremely unreliable job that requires him to be on call 24/7 and he made it clear at the start that you could never be the priority and you chose to continue with the relationship knowing that, of course.

IHateFlies · 19/07/2021 15:08

I don’t think you sound needy because you want to spend time together, but all the bending over backwards, fitting in and apologising is needy.
It’s being emotionally needing, wanting to please him all the time and not putting your own needs first.
You shouldn’t have to apologise for wanting to spend time with a partner.
If he’s making you feel bad, then it’s time rethink.

Original poster
PantyPandg · 19/07/2021 15:18

@girlmom21 and @IHateFlies how would you respond if he says he can’t do a meal this week?

Would you just be polite about it then back off? Would you express irritation?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/07/2021 15:23

Your needs are never wrong. They, and the rest of your feelings, define you. They are the core of who you are. They are part of nature, and are as controllable as the weather. All you can do is observe them, and respond in an appropriate way. So, you have a look at your feeling, and if you think it's reasonable, then it is. Do this with all your feelings

And the same goes for him. His needs are also not wrong. If he’s under pressure at work and can’t spare the time and wishes to do his job. Then his feelings are valid. The issue there is the op and him are not compatible, she is not understanding of his work situation and he is not understanding of her need for more time than he currently allocates.

IHateFlies · 19/07/2021 15:58

@PantyPandg if he says he can’t do a meal this week, then fair enough. He has other commitments. My response would depend on what the other commitments are, how often he did this and whether or not he sounded keen to reschedule.
If I felt he was just not interested or just wanted things convenient for him without putting any effort into what I wanted, he’d be binned.
There is absolutely no need for you to apologise.

Do you go out with friends? Do you do things without him? Do you ever turn him down because you’re doing something else? It’s really important that you have a life that’s independent of him.

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 16:46

Just to build on TheFoundations answer - if you developed negative core beliefs about yourself in childhood it IS possible to change your self image. For example if @PantyPandg learnt that "good" girls don't argue or stand up for themselves, she will carry that belief throughout her life. This article explains in more detail how to recognise, challenge and change negative core beliefs.

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