Needs in a relationship - am I getting it all wrong?

[PantyPandg]

How do you express your needs in a relationship?

How do you know what needs are reasonable and which are not?

What constitutes ‘being needy’?

I ask because I feel like a mess where all this is concerned. For instance I want to DP to book time off work for a long weekend but when he’s busy and says he’s not sure he can think about it yet as work is busy etc, I just feel awful and apologise for pressuring him, then at the same time feel shit and upset because I want to go away together. Then I feel needy and it just continues like that. My friends tell me I need to be more assertive about what I want and expect it of him. But I feel like maybe things like expecting him to book a day off is unreasonable?! How do I know if that is actually needy or not?

Similarly, he’s going away Friday for a week with work. I’d like us to have dinner one night this week, out, at a restaurant, or a takeaway - happy with either. But just make a night of it as he will be away for a week after that. Im anxious about asking him as he may well say he’s too busy in the lead up to going away, and then I won’t know how to respond?! Some of my friends say they would be furious if their partner couldn’t set aside two hours one evening a week before they are away for 8 nights. But I don’t know if it’s ok to make a fuss about that or express that I want it? I also don’t want to be needy?!

I probably sound really confused and mixed up. I am. I’m just not sure how to deal with these thighs that come up so much. I end up bending to fit my partner and I’ve done it with all my partners so it’s not just this DP. Am I doing this wrong?

Your needs are never wrong. They, and the rest of your feelings, define you. They are the core of who you are. They are part of nature, and are as controllable as the weather. All you can do is observe them, and respond in an appropriate way. So, you have a look at your feeling, and if you think it's reasonable, then it is. Do this with all your feelings.

I very thoroughly disagree with everyone's needs being right, so long as you self-classify them as reasonable, and you just need to find 'your people'. My ex had what he saw as a reasonable need to be allowed to feel and express his rage even when it involved breaking my things (because hey, it was never me and he did always replace them) and 'found his people' in me, because I'd grown up to avoid conflict at all costs and put men's needs first.

All that said, I do think that OP, wanting to spend time together is not needy. If you have different expectations of time together as a couple it's totally standard to discuss that and either agree to compromise (for both people, not just one) or agree to go your separate ways.

I'd personally tell him exactly how I feel - especially if there's a recurring theme!

Your needs are never wrong. They, and the rest of your feelings, define you. They are the core of who you are. They are part of nature, and are as controllable as the weather. All you can do is observe them, and respond in an appropriate way.

While kind, I think this is quite infantilising and can be counterproductive.

My ex genuinely felt that I shouldn't want to spend time with my friends instead of him if I really loved him. He genuinely felt that I shouldn't make new friends if I really loved him. It was a very real need to him because he is emotionally abusive and controlling.

Those feelings are more controllable than the weather if you work on them. He didn't and plays the 'this is just how I am' card with no regard for the damage he does to people by expressing his 'needs' and his anger when they are not met.

Another example - I had an eating disorder for years. I thought I needed not to eat and to be skinny to be happy. That need was wrong and did need addressing, it could be changed unlike the weather. Sometimes my ED voice still tells me I need to cut down on eating but that isn't true and is a need that should not be met, because it's unhealthy.

OP I understand how you feel. I'm not very good at speaking up for what I want in any type of relationship (insecurity/low self esteem issues).

Many moons ago I met someone I REALLY liked. For a few months we were only seeing each other Sat night to Sun afternoon - not even 24 hrs. Then my daughter started staying with a friend every other week from Fri to Sun so I asked him if I could come over on those Fri instead of Sat and he told me no because he wanted to do his own thing on Fri nights.

I was hurt because we'd been dating each other for a few months already and I wanted to spend a little more time together. Plus it was only an extended time twice a month, he would still have the other two Fri to do what he wanted. After that i became very anxious to ask him for any extra time and he really drove how much time we spent together. I was okay with it as it eliminated the anxiety but looking back I realized seeing each other was always on his terms.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

As I said, you have to respond to the feelings in an appropriate way. So if you feel the need to control your partner, you can't do anything about the need, but you can respond by either controlling your partner, or recognising that your need to do that is unhealthy.

If you feel the need to restrict your eating, you respond by not restricting it so far that it's unhealthy, but you can't make the need stop.

Feelings are not the same as responses to feelings. It's not infantilising to tell someone that we all have to deal with feelings that we don't want, and that getting rid of the feelings is a way of surpressing yourself, whilst responding appropriately to them is basically the difference between being a child and an adult.

How you feel has nothing to do with 'what card you play'. That's how you respond.

If we could control our feelings, we would all love the gym, nobody would fall in love with the wrong person, and we'd all hate chocolate and ice cream. It's not possible. The world would be a very different place if it was.

[quote TheFoundations]@youvegottenminuteslynn

As I said, you have to respond to the feelings in an appropriate way. So if you feel the need to control your partner, you can't do anything about the need, but you can respond by either controlling your partner, or recognising that your need to do that is unhealthy.

If you feel the need to restrict your eating, you respond by not restricting it so far that it's unhealthy, but you can't make the need stop.

Feelings are not the same as responses to feelings. It's not infantilising to tell someone that we all have to deal with feelings that we don't want, and that getting rid of the feelings is a way of surpressing yourself, whilst responding appropriately to them is basically the difference between being a child and an adult.

How you feel has nothing to do with 'what card you play'. That's how you respond.

If we could control our feelings, we would all love the gym, nobody would fall in love with the wrong person, and we'd all hate chocolate and ice cream. It's not possible. The world would be a very different place if it was.[/quote]
Hmm I get it elements of what you're saying but I disagree in that I think people can change some needs by identifying the cause of them and unravelling the behaviours maintaining the need. So instead of saying I have a need to restrict my calorie intake but I know it's not a healthy feeling so I won't do it, I eventually went a step further and examined through therapy the cause of that 'need' within me, which can sometimes be successfully tackled. Not always, but quite often. It just feels a bit defeatist to think the best we can hope for is not responding to unhealthy needs that are 'unchangable' when actually we can often address those unhealthy needs, be they food / relationships / anything.

I think it's empowering. We get to accept all our emotions, and we get to make all our decisions. I think we're saying the same thing, but you're presenting it as a battle where 'tackling' emotions is necessary, whereas I'm saying we can accept and try to understand our feelings.

I think that 'tackling' a part of yourself is destructive, but accepting and understanding it might be a less combative way of achieving the same end.

You are allowing him to treat you like the paid help by dismissing your needs as 'needy'.

He's 35 and hasn't sustained a relationship beyond the 18months mark. He isn't anxious, he is selfish.

He's going away with work for a week and you want an hour and half in the pub before he goes. It's not a proposal up the Eiffel Tower is it? Quite achievable, if he actually wanted to do it.

If you allow yourself to be treated like this you will eventually loose all sense of yourself and any confidence you once had. They you will be perfect for him because the last thing he can cope with is someone who see's their needs as equal to his.

@TheFoundations

I think it's empowering. We get to accept all our emotions, and we get to make all our decisions. I think we're saying the same thing, but you're presenting it as a battle where 'tackling' emotions is necessary, whereas I'm saying we can accept and try to understand our feelings.

I think that 'tackling' a part of yourself is destructive, but accepting and understanding it might be a less combative way of achieving the same end.

But by calling them 'needs' you're giving some of these impulses far too much power, and devaluing real critical needs. Needs need to be met to live a proper life, it's in the name. Wants don't have to be, and recognising the difference (and the needs of others) is important.

It is not a 'need' for an abusive partner to hit their spouse. It is a very real and strong feeling or impulse, and feelings are real and should be acknowledged. But calling them needs starts allowing for negotiation, yours Vs mine. Whereas the abused spouse's genuine need to live safe and unhurt is real and takes precedence. And someone struggling with anorexia does not have a 'need' to starve further, though it can certainly feel that way, and naming it as such is really dangerous.

@OverTheRubicon

What is a 'proper life'?

You're right, it's important to distinguish between wants and needs, but every individual has to do that for themselves. Everybody has different wants and needs. There's no textbook and there's no rules. If you think that someone with anorexia doesn't feel a 'need' to restrict eating, you don't understand anorexia.

Do you think that somebody other than the individual should get to decide which are the individual wants/needs? If so, how do we decide who? Surely everything but nourishment and shelter/safety are the only human needs, by your reckoning?

If he couldn't get a meal before this week away but said 'I promise we will go out the week I'm back' then that would be fine. Same thing is he said 'work is too busy right now but I will plan to take a weekend off within the month and work towards that'.

But if he is not giving you any indication if WHEN you can do these things and that he WANTS to and actively working towards it then this relationship is going nowhere.

Yes there need to be some alowances if work us busy atm BUT he needs to show you that your relationship matters and that he in turn can meet you half way. If he isn't doing this now then chances are he never will.