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Original poster

Is this a normal phase in marriage life or should we not be together anymore

40 replies

Motherofking · 19/07/2021 10:19

I resent my husband . I don't want to be around him I prefer it when he's not around . We are not speaking right now but surprisingly I'm happy about it . He told me today not to bother with his dinner and we should do our own shopping and cook separate dinners for ourselves . I was like thank god when he said that . I used to take pride in making him amazing meals and making him happy now I don't care . I know I still love him because I don't have the strength to let him come home from work with no food so I would still secretly cook him something or buy his shopping for him just incase . I don't make eye contact with him because I'm really angry and have been ignoring him but I feel hurt at the possibility that he is hurt
Im just confused

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ComtesseDeSpair · 19/07/2021 10:23

No. It isn’t at all normal to resent your partner, be happier when they aren’t around / aren’t speaking with you, and not particularly care about how they feel.

Why do you think you feel this way? Has he behaved badly / stopped putting effort in? When did it begin? Have you ever tried to address with him the way you feel?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 19/07/2021 10:30

No that isn't normal. DH and I have had bad patches in our marriage and have needed some space from each other but we are talking one day of doing separate things and then getting back to normal. We have never started to lead separate lives together.

Vanishun · 19/07/2021 10:46

No, not normal or healthy (the relationship that is, not dividing responsibility for your own separate foods).

You need to talk about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2021 10:49

How long habe you been together? Any kids and if so how old? I think resentment can be common when babies are young and you feel it's all on your shoulderrs

How long has the no eye contact etc been going on?

What preceded the not talking / doing his stuff?

Twiggyandcrisp · 19/07/2021 10:55

No it's not normal but if you have been in lockdown together or spent an enormous amount of time wfh together which you normally wouldn't do under ordinary circumstances, then it would be natural to need a break.

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 10:57

What has led you to this point in your lives? You've described the results but not the cause.

Bodgers · 19/07/2021 11:03

I’ve felt this twice, just during the course of this pandemic! Tends to coincide with hormones. The still making him dinner thing is a good sign, I was the same. COVID has been a bumpy ride. You fundamentally love each other, you just also sometimes can’t bear each other Grin. IMHO that’s totally ok.

Notaroadrunner · 19/07/2021 11:11

It does depend on what stage of life you are at. If you are together a few short years with young kids it might be more normal to go through such a phase, though it's not ideal. If however you are together many years, have raised a family and are just sick of each other then maybe it's time to move on from one another and not waste time living with someone you resent and who possibly feels the same. You could both have a better life apart rather than live together and not even speaking to each other - that's just uncomfortable and unecessary in the long term.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/07/2021 11:18

I don't have the strength to let him come home from work with no food so I would still secretly cook him something or buy his shopping for him just incase

Why would you ignore an adults expressly-stated wish like that? You're treating him like a sulky toddler who has screamed "I'm never eating again!!"

Lockdown has put a hell of a lot if marriages under massive stress and I believe that we will see divorce rates rocket and marriage rates drop significantly in the future.

But we don't know whether its a case of lockdown putting pressure on and making people miserable, which may resolve, or whether it's a case of lockdown and being stuck at home you've suddenly gone "Jesus christ, I'm married to an idiot!"

knittingaddict · 19/07/2021 11:21

I think it's normal to feel like this for 30 minutes or so after an argument when you're still a bit annoyed with each other. It's not normal to feel and act like this for a much longer period of time. I think it shows that there are issues that need dealing with, one way or another.

Personally I find the silent treatment very upsetting and ruinous to a relationship. Not talking to each other, not communicating and starting to live separately sound like the death knells to me.

Amz6219 · 19/07/2021 12:00

How long have you been together / married?

I think it is somewhat normal to have phases and bad patches (namely the '7 year itch' - think it tends to come in 7 year stages!), but not long term - it needs addressing before it carries on long term.

My Husband and I went through a really rocky patch at 7 years, had a couple of counselling sessions and it helped massively, just to be able to talk and address what was bothering us rather than just ignoring it and having it fester.

We have been great for the last 7 years (just coming up for the 14 years but don't think we will go through the same patch this time because we are just more in tune with everything and know to sit down and talk if we're bothered by anything, which we weren't when we were younger).

The world has been pretty awful for the last year and I think it has a massive impact on relationships, but it doesn't have to be negative.

It might seem difficult, but I think it would be worth maybe sitting down and having a meal together and expressing how you both feel x

Original poster
Motherofking · 19/07/2021 12:01

@SleepingStandingUp we have been together for 5 years and married for a year and a half and lived together for that long. we also have a 1 year old toddler. Also the no communication and eye contact stuff has started today. But it has never gotten to that point, We usually argue then its over really quickly. It was due to an argument that happened 2 days ago, yesterday i tried to be normal and move on as i usually do but i realized im still angry and all these feelings that i wrote in the post just came up

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Original poster
Motherofking · 19/07/2021 12:03

@Amz6219 Thank you thats insightful to hear, it hasnt been 7 years yet. We have been together for 5 but have been living with each other for the past year and a half

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Original poster
Motherofking · 19/07/2021 12:04

@knittingaddict i used to feel like that too. i was the type that even apologised when i wasnt in the wrong so we can go on to being happy. This is the first time ive done anything like this ( silent treatment / seperate lives) and surprised at the fact that i am happy about it

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WhatMattersMost · 19/07/2021 12:24

@Motherofking - My first thought is that there's more to this than meets the eye, and that you're only seeing something now which has been going on from the beginning.

Original poster
Motherofking · 19/07/2021 12:25

@Sarahlou63 this is caused by how he treats me in the house. He has very high standards when it comes to the house being cleaned. I can spend all my energy cleaning and he will find something to moan about. if there is a little food on the floor or spilt drink or anything due to our toddler he shouts at me and calls me names like how i am a dirty person. But i do 95% of the cleaning in this house. On top of that i have alot on my plate, such as our son, i have a collage course that i am trying to complete i just feel like his constant criticism has put me under alot of pressure and stress i dont feel comfortable in our home. I feel like a tenant. It has gotton to the point whereby he has told me not to eat in the room because of mess , which im confused about because i do the cleaning not him so i dont know why he is so worried about it. But then he eats in the room and does whatever he likes. He treats me like an iconvinence in this house, Our electric bill more than doubled and he blames it on my sound machine that i use at night to help our toddler sleep. There is no way an electric bill doubling will be due to a sound machine . It turns out it was a mistake anyways . But its things like this. Constantly being blamed, when things break or if flys happen to come into the house i somehow get the blame get told its my fault, Im really tired of it .

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spotcheck · 19/07/2021 12:28

Dear god that sounds bleak.
Sounds like your eyes have been opened and you have reached breaking point

Stormyequine · 19/07/2021 12:31

Until your last update I was thinking maybe it was a bad patch, and you could work on it. However it seems that what has happened is you have finally had enough of being treated like shit, and are not now doing everything you can to keep to peace. I don't think there is any going back from here. Your DH sounds like a truly horrible person and you deserve better.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 19/07/2021 12:33

After your last update your DH is a dick and you should start making plans to leave him.

Sarahlou63 · 19/07/2021 12:36

So he has very high standards about cleaning but doesn't do any actual cleaning himself. Hmmm. Did he live alone before you married or live with parents?

Did you discuss household chores before you got married? And does he ever care for your child?

Topofthepopicles · 19/07/2021 12:37

Nope none of that sounds normal

Bagelsandbrie · 19/07/2021 12:38

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

After your last update your DH is a dick and you should start making plans to leave him.
This.
SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2021 12:49

Im assuming you moved in together and fell pregnant quickly moved in together because of you were pregnant? So no real time to road test it before the stresses of late pregnancy and motherhood. Now the mist is clearing and you realise youre not compatible. Loving and being compatible isnt necessarily the same thing

Id honestly consider what life eould be like living apart

SilverRoe · 19/07/2021 12:58

Your last update is awful. How dare he order you about and yell at you for not cleaning to his standards. You are his wife not his tenant as you say. This is not normal married life.

Original poster
Motherofking · 19/07/2021 13:10

@SleepingStandingUp yes that is what happened

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