Is this a normal phase in marriage life or should we not be together anymore

[Motherofking]

I resent my husband . I don't want to be around him I prefer it when he's not around . We are not speaking right now but surprisingly I'm happy about it . He told me today not to bother with his dinner and we should do our own shopping and cook separate dinners for ourselves . I was like thank god when he said that . I used to take pride in making him amazing meals and making him happy now I don't care . I know I still love him because I don't have the strength to let him come home from work with no food so I would still secretly cook him something or buy his shopping for him just incase . I don't make eye contact with him because I'm really angry and have been ignoring him but I feel hurt at the possibility that he is hurt
Im just confused

Thank you for the responses. I feel like it was my fault as well. Growing up i never had a stable home. My mum lived in another country and only saw her every 2-3 years. I lived with my dad and stepmum and i was always being kicked out made to stay with extended family members for some time. And when i moved back in i wasnt comfortable. My stepmum and sister were always going through my phone, my bags , my stuff, there were times where by My stepmum would get angry at me and would make me not eat . My dad did not do much about it except not tell her i stuck out the room when she was asleep to eat. Theres so much more i can go on about. But with when i fell pregnant and moved in with my husband i think i was naive because i was so happy to finally have a stabled home and a real family and to live in peace . It it just upsetting to realize that has not been the case. I truly feel like my purpose in this house to clean cook and provide sex. Either than that i feel like i have no value because whenever things are not spotless in the house he tells me to leave and find my own house . I am in this constant i put on myself to be the best mum i can be , but also to make him happy by having a spotless house and nicely cooked meals even if it means going to bed at 4 am because i would have spent the whole day slaving around and finally between the hours of 12am-4am its the only time i get to study. Im exsausted. I never thought i would be in a situation again where id be criticized and spoken to horribly on a daily basis . Im very hurt

I'm with @Stormyequine - I thought it sounded like a bad patch but now i'm thinking he is just pretty unpleasant!

Our house is a right tip most of the time because of children, there isn't much you can do about it and it's a bit strange that he expects it to be so clean!! Sounds like he has some sort of Freudian complex...

Oh you poor love This is a very toxic situation. Do you have anywhere you can go? Friends or extended family? He's not going to change so please do whatever you can to protect your self worth now. First step is to speak to a solicitor and to establish what help and benefits you are entitled to.

You can absolutely be the best Mom, but not whilst living with someone who is abusive. Because you can't be the best you can be whilst living under the weight of gis oppression

BTW - it is NOT NOT NOT your fault for having a shit upbringing and for wanting a stable, happy life.

None of this is your fault. Your partner is horrible and you deserve far better

If it makes any difference, I left a toxic home life and moved straight in with my now exh, he was similar to yours... always putting me down, always blaming me for everything, I had to cook and clean and it was never good enough. It was a nightmare

I finally left him when he started hitting me in front of our daughter who was 8 months. I knew I had to get her out of that environment and that's how I got the courage .

Realistically I should have left a lot sooner.

There is support out there for you

i'm so sorry but it seems that you are correct and, because of your childhood, you have low self esteem, and have picked a bad person to marry. Now that you've realised it, you can change things, get your education and leave your relationship if necessary. Under no circumstances should you accept your role in life as a skivvy to an ungrateful and controlling man. You are worth so, so much more.

That sounds awful. You need to get copies of paperwork etc and start making preparations to leave. Don’t let him know before you are actually ready to leave. Others will have more advice on how to get your ducks in a row. You can’t stay or your child will be you, when they are grown up.

Then get counselling to help you avoid making the same mistakes again. At the moment you have no concept of a normal relationship.

Best wishes for a happy future.

Wow the further detail you’ve provided is shocking. Sounds like an absolutely normal reaction for you to hate his guts and not want to speak to him. He needs a big reality check.

He is getting some sort of enjoyment or kick from punishing you. He seems to fit the classic profile of a control freak. And then some.

I suspect this behaviour started of subtlety in your marriage and gathered pace and momentum over time.

I don’t think things are going to get better for you. It’s your life and your environment. None of us here, can really know.

Your terrible, terrible upbringing may cause you to decide to stay. It’s the easiest option.

But it’s not the best option OR the right one. Focus your energies on your toddler and yourself. Not the fucking cleaning of providing the c*nt with lovely meals.

Today is the day you should start planning your exit strategy.

he tells me to leave and find my own house

He's got a big shock coming then. You're married and that means that it is no longer just 'his' house. (don't tell him that by the way, it will only make him worse). Just bear it in mind when making plans to split up with him.

I had a childhood with a mum moving away, a step mum who didn't want me and controlled everything I did. My dad did nothing. I completely understand and know that desperate urge to have a normal family of your own. Unfortunately you have ended up in another abusive situation. My advice would be to leave and therapy. You can get what you want but you need to work through a lot of the damage that has been done to you first.

I grew up in an abusive family, @Motherofking, and because this is what I knew, I also chose abusive men - until I realised that I had to do something to put a stop to what had started to feel very, very wrong. I think you're at about that stage now. If and when you choose to work through this - and I'd highly recommend some form of therapy or counselling - you'll start to see more clearly the dynamics that have had you thinking that you're the one whose wrong, that you're somehow to blame. You'll start to see that isn't the case at all - but that you are the only person who can get you out and get your life back on track.

You can do this.

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