Old flame got in touch...motives?

[Redbluegold]

Over 10 years ago I had just met DH and we weren't really official, just getting to know each other. I also met another mam (OM). OM and I got really close and slept together once. I ultimately told him I wanted to focus on DH (who was yet to become my DH at this point). We were friends for a while but one day he literally starting blanking me (we worked in a small office together). It was quite upsetting at the time. Turned out he had met someone new and she was a bit jealous. All fair enough. I married DH, OM married the women he had met and we never spoke again (I left the office to train in a new career). This was all over a decade ago. Now, out of the blue (we have no mutual friends) OM has messaged me to see how I am. We've done a quick life update via messenger and he explained he has a great life, very happy everything sounds just totally perfect but he felt bad about how he totally stopped talking to me and essentially is seeking forgiveness.

I'm a but socially inept at the best of tkme but this has really thrown me. Does he want:
A) forgiveness and nothing more. In which case, he's got it and I shouldn't expect to hear from him again.
B) forgiveness and friendship, in which case we keep message, maybe meet up?
C) was he testing the waters to see if I'm available after all these years?

Bhaa ha that should obviously say other MAN not MAM. Totally changes to context.

C

I've had this happen twice and it's always C.

An affair

nookey.
have you told your husband, if not do so.
and then get him to reply and ask if OM and his wife want to meet for a park cafe coffee sometime.
so make it a joint couples thing.
you'll probably never hear from OM again.
never keep secrets from your husband. they can grow and strangle you.

That's what I thought with his first message but his messages since don't give me that impression. They're all quite cold I guess. He also dropped in that I'm married but that's not something that I told him

It’s irrelevant what he intends, OP — you decide on the level of contact you want, if any.

He is saying he is happy and you are married to let you know it won't go anywhere.

I had this two years ago - it’s probably C. A “how are things, sorry for shagging your mate” message quickly turned into him trying to spin the conversation into reminiscing about our sex life and trying to sext me. I bailed PDQ at that point.

@Silkiecats

He is saying he is happy and you are married to let you know it won't go anywhere.

Yes that's what makes me think he doesn't really want to be in touch beyond clearing his guilt over totally freezing me out and literally looking the other way if I walked past.

He's after a shag. They're always after a shag when they do that.

What would be the point otherwise? It's not like you were friends. (This is, incidentally, why I never entertain such approaches myself.)

@DoorAjar

It’s irrelevant what he intends, OP — you decide on the level of contact you want, if any.

I suppose this is what I'm finding difficult. I'd happily be friends with him again as he was a good laugh but I'm wary of giving too much of myself if he's just going to cut me off like a did 10 years ago. He's obviously got form for that and so I don't want to spend any more emotional energy than I need to.

Pretend it's A
Prepare for C

It’s D , he wants a shag.

If he wanted to apologise he would have sent a message / card. If he wants forgiveness he should speak to a priest / vicar.

He's sniffing for a shag, not forgiveness

D) he’s just a nosey bugger and just wants to see what you’ve been up to for the last decade

@DoorAjar

It’s irrelevant what he intends, OP — you decide on the level of contact you want, if any.

Exactly this. It doesn’t matter what his motives are you know what to do.

I meant he wants an affair but by saying you are both married he's letting you know he has no intention of leaving his wife. Would imagine he is a serial cheater but maybe with covid and ageing is getting more rejections so going back more in time for women he thinks might cheat with him.

Without any shadow of doubt this Ex of yours is suffering a lull in his current sex life and is scoping around to see if you are up for it too. Honestly, I can guarantee this.
There is NO other reason he has waited wracked with guilt🙄 for an entire decade.
I'd call his bluff like someone else said, tell DH straightaway and text Ex to suggest you all meet up together keep us posted on his response please!

Whether it's A,B,C or D @Redbluegold I just wouldn't take this any further. He's contacted you for whatever reason, got forgiveness from you if you felt you needed to, and now he can go back to his life and you to yours.

This is a person you had a very brief office romance with a decade ago and, however it happened, you went your separate ways. No need to try and resurrect this brief relationship for any reason, including laughs - he is in your distant past.

And yes, tell your husband about this contact. Think how you'd feel if your husband was in your position - how comfortable would you be? 🌹

Another vote for C. Do you have anything to gain from continuing to message him? I wouldn’t have thought so.

He's only after a quick shag, and he sees you as a likely candidate I'm afraid.
Could be his 'mid life crisis' or could be a 'lull' in his home sex life, but it's definitely not about you. You're just one of several that he's chucking a fishing line to from his murky past.

He's most definitely not after any 'forgiveness' ffs, lol.

He's up for some sex with no strings, so he can drop you whenever he likes. That's why he's double checking that you're still married, because then you'd have as much to lose as him if you tell his W about the 'affair'

I echo what everyone has said. I've had this exact scenario twice. He wants a shag, probably not even an affair, just one or two quick shags.

Please listen to everyone. Your two best options are 1. Tell your husband and text OM telling him "it was nice to reminisce, goodbye, not really interested" or 2. Block and delete

I can assure if you continue, you will be back on this page in 6-9 months telling us how things went very wrong and you thought he was genuine etc

Have you responded yet?

Someone who totally cuts out someone ejse because of a jealous partner and pops up randomly ten years later is not really friend material.

So what dies it matter.

I'd just say something like "no worries, it never enters my head, take care ".

I agree C

It's happened to me a few times. I stupidly
took it at face value that they just wanted a catch up especially as they were married with DC and I am married with DC and all happy on the surface.

Messaged a bit, agreed to meet up (DH fully aware and OK with it as he trusts me) and lo and behold the sob story starts about 'my wife doesn't understand me' after which I cut and ran before anyone got any ideas. It happened twice because I thought the first time was one bad apple. Now I only agree to meet with DH and families.

I think they have mid life crises and start thinking back to their glory days.

Looks like A to me.