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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Old flame got in touch...motives?

45 replies

Redbluegold · 18/07/2021 23:20

Over 10 years ago I had just met DH and we weren't really official, just getting to know each other. I also met another mam (OM). OM and I got really close and slept together once. I ultimately told him I wanted to focus on DH (who was yet to become my DH at this point). We were friends for a while but one day he literally starting blanking me (we worked in a small office together). It was quite upsetting at the time. Turned out he had met someone new and she was a bit jealous. All fair enough. I married DH, OM married the women he had met and we never spoke again (I left the office to train in a new career). This was all over a decade ago. Now, out of the blue (we have no mutual friends) OM has messaged me to see how I am. We've done a quick life update via messenger and he explained he has a great life, very happy everything sounds just totally perfect but he felt bad about how he totally stopped talking to me and essentially is seeking forgiveness.

I'm a but socially inept at the best of tkme but this has really thrown me. Does he want:
A) forgiveness and nothing more. In which case, he's got it and I shouldn't expect to hear from him again.
B) forgiveness and friendship, in which case we keep message, maybe meet up?
C) was he testing the waters to see if I'm available after all these years?

OP posts:

BillMasen · 19/07/2021 08:21

When you overlapped with your now H did he (your H) know about that? How long did that happen for?

And have you told your H about the contact now?

Just wondering how he’d feel if he knew?

Lweji · 19/07/2021 08:33

I might ask him directly why he's seeking forgiveness after all this time.
Either he's become a born again Christian or similar and has to atone for every little thing he did, or he's been thinking about you and, of course, he has to ask for forgiveness before anything else.
Most likely scenario is C.

Just leave it at "it was nice hearing from you again, we must all meet sometime in the future". And leave it at that.

This type of request for forgiveness would probably get a "don't flatter yourself" type of response from me. It just showed his true colours.

Marineboy67 · 19/07/2021 08:34

Leave it where it is. He's only crawled out of the woodwork with a selfish motive to test the waters.
I would cut the contact before it develops any further or begins to jeopardise your relationship.
If you decide to pursue this 'friendship' how do you explain it to your husband? "Oh by the way when I first met you I was kind of meeting someone else and we had sex togethe and now he's randomly reappeared and we've been messaging each other" I can't see that going down well.

starfishmummy · 19/07/2021 08:41

Definitely C.

romdowa · 19/07/2021 08:48

I'd ask him straight out why he is getting in contact again after all this time.

twoshedsjackson · 19/07/2021 13:16

I agree with C; the most blatant example I had of this was an ex suddenly remembering my birthday, which he never quite managed when we were an item.....didn't bother to reply.

Original poster

Redbluegold · 19/07/2021 13:33

OK, I'll be leaving it there then. We've already exchanged a few messages but no need to continue if that's what he's after.

DH didn't know about him at the time because we had only just met ourselves and were in the very early stages. I'm not going to tell him about the messages because he'll wonder why I've even mentioned it if there's nothing to it and will end up worrying for no reason. I know some people would tell their DH everything but I know mine and he's had to deal with his own trauma that has shaped him so hearing something like this would be unnecessarily upsetting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redbluegold · 19/07/2021 13:34

Thanks for all the advice! I love how so many situations on mumsnet are cookie cutter and so many other mumsnetters have had exactly thr same experience with men 🤣

OP posts:

BillMasen · 19/07/2021 14:09

@Redbluegold

OK, I'll be leaving it there then. We've already exchanged a few messages but no need to continue if that's what he's after.

I think fair enough if you won’t message any more, and you’d be ok if your H didn’t tell you about similar.

I worry slightly about “I kept this a secret because you wouldn’t like it”, but you know your H best

BillMasen · 19/07/2021 14:10

@Redbluegold

Thanks for all the advice! I love how so many situations on mumsnet are cookie cutter and so many other mumsnetters have had exactly thr same experience with men 🤣

Yeah maybe Although every situation is different and a lot of “cookie cutter” solutions are shaped by negative experiences and assume the man in every scenario is a bad one.

TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 14:17

I'd happily be friends with him again as he was a good laugh but I'm wary of giving too much of myself if he's just going to cut me off like a did 10 years ago

Why have you and desire at all to be friends with somebody who blanked you and took 10 years to apologise?

I'd accept his apology and wish him the best of luck in his future, and that'd be the end of it. Raise your bar for friendship.

TheFoundations · 19/07/2021 14:18

*any desire at all

Mermaidwaves · 19/07/2021 16:25

I'm a cynic and I'm going to say he's testing the waters for an illicit bonk. I agree with a PP who said by confirming you're both married this won't go anywhere. I find it highly unlikely he's wracked with guilt, people ghost all the time and move on, no way has he been beating himself up over that for the past decade. He's a cheeky fucker imho.

Original poster

Redbluegold · 19/07/2021 18:52

My last message to him was yesterday and he replied today. I've just read it through a more cynical lense and everything you've mostly said is ringing in my ears. He said he's never lost the affection but also that he's deeply secure in his marriage 😂 given everything that's been said all I can see is 'let's fuck but I won't be leaving my wife'.

OP posts:

TooWicked · 19/07/2021 19:02

If the woman he was seeing was “a bit jealous” that he talked to you at work, now she’s his wife she’d probably go apeshit if she found out he was suddenly messaging you out of the blue after 10 years.

And that last message about him “never having lost the affection but deeply secure in his marriage” - vom.

You should reply “funny, I can’t say I’d ever given you a second thought, anyway, all the best” and then block him.

stillcrazyafterall · 19/07/2021 19:11

Ok. I tried to contact someone who I was unkind to when younger, he was a potential boyfriend and I was a stupid girl. I have felt guilty about it for years. I tried to contact him to apologise but got blanked (understandably). There was ABSOLUTELY no ulterior motive on my part, so yes he could be genuinely just feeling guilty. Some people do!

Birkie248 · 19/07/2021 19:15

Let sleeping dogs lie. There’s a good reason the saying exists!

layladomino · 19/07/2021 20:44

You're doing the right thing. The fact his messages have got you doubting yourself / not telling DH / asking questions on here show that this could get messy.

Best to ignore and move on.

19Bears · 20/07/2021 12:04

My ex from 16 years ago recently started following me and replying to me on twitter, and then on to DMs. Same as you OP, we exchanged life updates, possibly a bit too many details, but now I'm going to ignore as it's getting a bit hassly. He probably is testing the shag possibility waters, but he's in another country and also married (but unhappily it seems), so not realistic at all. There's no interest from me whatsoever, urgh, and I think I've made that clear. I think it's probably quite normal for exes to be on each others minds occasionally forever, but nothing to stress about. I'd just forget about it and not mention it to DH. That would involve lots of complicated and unnecessary explanation. You are allowed to have a past that only you know about.

shiningcuckoo · 20/07/2021 18:27

As I have got older and we are talking about things that happened 25/30 years ago, I have been contacted by friends and exes who are just looking to settle the past, usually because they are dealing with serious illness. I know from experience that sometimes you can find that time is running out and there are things unsaid - usually sorry or thank you. Not everything is about an extra marital shag.

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