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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long distance relationship help needed

39 replies

Clairew77 · 18/07/2021 20:41

So I've been seeing a man for nearly 17months. We had a rough patch months 13-16.. its long distance, we both have kids and he is married but separated as far as I know.. I need advice on whether I am just wasting my time..

So during our rough patch he booked a holiday with his mum, wife and 2 children. This holiday is coming up in a few weeks. To me this is not normal but I am trying to accept he is going. I have been told though he won't be calling me for the week but will message when he isn't busy.. Should I accept this? Is it not even more important he speaks to me that week to reassure me about our relationship..

We are supposed to be in a relationship, building a future together. He won't tell his wife about me as he says she will move back home and take his children(shes not from uk) so 16months on im still a secret and only get his attention when he isn't around her. He is around his wife's house regularly seeing the kids, will never answer a call to me when there but will send messages. He still also goes on days out with his wife and kids.

He knows how unhappy this makes me but isn't willing to upset his wife and ever put my feelings first..

Would anyone accept being a secret for 16months or amI just being a mug?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 18/07/2021 20:46

Mug.

He's married.

AuntieStella · 18/07/2021 20:47

I'm sorry, but I think it's highly likely you're a mug.

He doesn't sound fully separated at all.

Have you visited him in his hometown? Met his parents, other family?

The obvious reason for someone to keep a girlfriend secret is that they are cheating.

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 20:49

Sounds like he is married. I'm sorry.

Redtartanshoes · 18/07/2021 20:49

Run for the hills.

Bluecurtains19 · 18/07/2021 20:50

You’re the other women, block him and cut all contact. There is no future, he won’t leave her for you.

TeeBee · 18/07/2021 20:50

'...as far as I know....'
That speaks volumes. You know deep down he is still married. I'd dump him and find someone more available.

AlternativePerspective · 18/07/2021 20:51

He’s married.

TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 20:51

He knows how unhappy this makes me but isn't willing to upset his wife and ever put my feelings first

Yes or no question: Do you want a partner who never puts your feelings first?

Original poster
Clairew77 · 18/07/2021 20:52

He has lived separately for over 2 years.. Drives to see me anything from once a week-once a month.
I do seriously fear that there is more to it then just losing his children. I don't think he understands how hard it is to be a secret for so long and have another woman put before me, he constantly says he doesn't put her first but if your choosing to upset me over her then Hmm. I obv dont want him to lose his kids but I also feel its so unfair on me, I've been patient but there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel

OP posts:
frogswimming · 18/07/2021 20:52

Yep. Married. Don't put up with that shit. Dump him.

frogswimming · 18/07/2021 20:53

How do you know he's lived separately for two years?

Orangesky87 · 18/07/2021 20:55

You deserve somebody who puts You first and your feelings. Get rid urgently

girlmama32 · 18/07/2021 20:56

Sorry to say it sounds like your being taken for a mug.
Do you know for certain you aren't just the other woman?
It sounds to me like he's still married and your just the side piece, can only talk to you when he isn't with her, still goes on days out with her and the kids, visits you anything from once a week to a month? For all you know he's telling her he's "away with work" when he comes to see you.
Does he phone her/the kids when he's meant to be spending time with you?

user27424799642256 · 18/07/2021 21:00

He's not living separately from her. He's in the family home, acting as a family, going on family trips, going on family holidays, messaging you when he's bored and driving to you for occasional sex on the side.

He is quite blatantly having an affair with you.

I was going to copy and paste it into bullet points from your posts to reflect back to you, but it's so glaringly obvious that if you're choosing not to face it there's nothing anyone can say.

only get his attention when he isn't around her

How much clearer does it need to be? You're literally his bit of entertainment on the side.

AuntieStella · 18/07/2021 21:01

Drives to see me anything from once a week-once a month

Have you ever been to his? Do you go out and about in his home town?

Original poster
Clairew77 · 18/07/2021 21:01

I know for sure he lives separately. We've video called and speak most nights.
I have visited once but stayed in a hotel as he lives with his brother. The living separately part is definitely true.
I do believe he is separated and it is the fear of losing his children. But how long do I live like that? At what point does he need to bite the bullet and tell his wife

OP posts:
CasualCucumer · 18/07/2021 21:13

Find someone with less baggage

Another, cut loose

VodselForDinner · 18/07/2021 21:17

Oh OP, I’m actually cringing for you.

You’re his mistress.

Clairel77 · 18/07/2021 21:22

If I know for certain he is separated. How long is reasonable to be a secret for? I know he loves his kids dearly and would be devastated if they got took away. There is a real fear of this for him..
I don't expect him to put his kids before me but another woman is completely different..

TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 21:27

But how long do I live like that

Until you're so uncomfortable about it that you feel the need to post about it on a forum.

Why does it matter to you what anybody else would do? Do you think there is a pre-ordained, set amount of time a person should live in this situation? For some people, it would be no time at all. For others, it would be 60 years. How long is it for you? Why are you asking people on a forum? Why don't you get to decide?

MadMadMadamMim · 18/07/2021 21:29

Every single person is telling you they would not accept this, and yes - you're a mug.

And you keep repeating that you've been patient and how long do you keep waiting for?

Every single poster is telling you to STOP waiting - it's never going to happen. But you don't want to hear it.

Clairel77 · 18/07/2021 21:32

Your right its my decision at the end of the day. I get made to feel like I'm overreacting when I mention it, I was starting to think I am just some crazy emotionally unstable psycho going on about nothing being unreasonable. I just wanted outside opinions on it. Thank you all for your help

TheFoundations · 18/07/2021 21:51

If somebody makes you feel crazy/unstable/oversensitive etc, think about how everybody else in your life sees you. Think about the people you love and trust; family, old friends, new friends who 'get' you. Is the view that you're crazy coming from just one person? And if it is, do you feel like you are crazy around that person? Unpredictable, not 'yourself'?

If that's the case, you can see where the toxin is. And it's not you. If you are sane everywhere but one place, the sane response is to avoid that place.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2021 21:54

He is playing you for an absolute fool. Take the blinders off, you are his mistress.

AlternativePerspective · 18/07/2021 22:00

Sometimes I can’t help wondering if these kinds of threads are posted by the OW because she is frustrated that he hasn’t left his wife.

There is absolutely no way you don’t know he is married. No way.

He goes on holiday with his wife. He only sees you maybe once a month sometimes, you’ve never been to his house, you don’t know his family, you’re a secret.

You can’t expect people to believe that you don’t know he’s married. Of course you do, but you are frustrated he hasn’t left his wife for you yet.

And if his wife e.g. goes out at night, maybe she works, maybe she’s on the PTA, any number of reasons, then it would be possible to video call so no, that one doesn’t fly either.

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