Long distance relationship help needed

[Clairew77]

So I've been seeing a man for nearly 17months. We had a rough patch months 13-16.. its long distance, we both have kids and he is married but separated as far as I know.. I need advice on whether I am just wasting my time..

So during our rough patch he booked a holiday with his mum, wife and 2 children. This holiday is coming up in a few weeks. To me this is not normal but I am trying to accept he is going. I have been told though he won't be calling me for the week but will message when he isn't busy.. Should I accept this? Is it not even more important he speaks to me that week to reassure me about our relationship..

We are supposed to be in a relationship, building a future together. He won't tell his wife about me as he says she will move back home and take his children(shes not from uk) so 16months on im still a secret and only get his attention when he isn't around her. He is around his wife's house regularly seeing the kids, will never answer a call to me when there but will send messages. He still also goes on days out with his wife and kids.

He knows how unhappy this makes me but isn't willing to upset his wife and ever put my feelings first..

Would anyone accept being a secret for 16months or amI just being a mug?

OP please listen to all the posters, I know it’s really hard as you have feelings for this man. I suspect he is separated but still deeply in love and entrenched in his former life with his wife. I also suspect the holiday he is going on with her is to see if they can get their marriage back on track. Please leave immediately before you are too hurt.

He’s married it’s so clear. You need to bin him off.

I have visited once but stayed in a hotel as he lives with his brother.

Oh come on

You are definitely the mistress. Why put up with it?

Oh bless. You say you won't accept him putting 'another woman' first. You ARE 'another woman' the other woman. He's a shit and you need to put yourself first because he isn't.

OP if you're not visiting his house then that's a massive red flag. If he lives with his brother, surely you can be known by the brother? I think this man is lying to you.

He sounds married. If he’s speaking to you most nights, he’s just finding a way to do it but he’s married. Not easy for you - hope you find someone else who is emotionally available

Come on OP, you must know he’s still married and that you’re the OW. It’s been 16 months. It’s easy enough to video call someone- she could easily be going out a couple of evenings a weeks to gym/ classes/ friends/ work and he’d just call you then. He lives with his brother? Why would that stop you going there? It’s one thing not telling his (im sure absolutely heartbroken and refusing to move on Ex) but why would he keep you a secret from his brother?

If you’re happy being an OW then fine - it’s pretty awful behaviour on your part but if you think it’s worth it then you’re not going to stop. But you know he’s never going to leave her. He’ll never have holidays with you. You’ll never be more than an occasional shag. Surely you know you’re worth more than that?

OP - even if he WERE actually separated and living with his brother. What sort of future do you think is possible given your respective life situations??
You have kids. He has kids. Neither of you are able to move - I presume your kids are settled in schools and have the other parent nearby.

Why ON EARTH would you want to have a ‘relationship’ like this? Couldn’t you find a man with less baggage and who is in YOUR area????

He is married and you are his dirty secret. What would you say to your daughter/friend if she was in your position?

I think he is not separated but still with his wife.

In your position I would find out the truth somehow. Presumably you know his address after seventeen months, see if there is a landline at the house and either ring it or get someone else to do so. I'm not suggesting you turn up on the doorstep (though you could ask a friend to do so on some pretext).

192 will show who lives at the address.

If he is innocent, odd though it is, divorced and separated people do sometimes have a family holiday with separate bedrooms, and you say his mum is going. I had a friend who did that for a week every year when the children were young and it worked quite well.

Do some discreet detective work, you've nothing to lose.

How did you manage to see him during lockdown or did you just take a chance? The first lockdown started around the time you got together with him.

Good luck.

Sorry, but he's married and your his mistress

Too much drama for a
newish relationship. Dump.

So what if he's living with his brother? Why couldn't you stay there?? I think it is very unlikely he's separated.