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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think i have the ick

47 replies

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 18:44

Partner of two year's told me something today and it's completely changed the way i see him and has really made me feel uncomfortable. I feel so gutted because we had such a good relationship and i honestly thought this was the real deal. He told me when he was 21 he dated a 16 year old got her pregnant ect ect for reference he is now 37 but it's more the fact he thinks it's normal.

OP posts:

Hanbam · 18/07/2021 19:10

Yeah I get you it would certainly change my feelings. Speaking from experience, I was seeing someone and about 6 months in he said he had used prostitue when he was 19. It just changed my opinion of him and deep down couldn’t settle with it. I tried to reconcile it in my head that he was young etc but ultimately it turned me right off him. I wish I just said right there and then no thanks instead of slogging it out for a few months more. So I would just let him go and don’t waste anymore time.

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 19:18

This is the problem, it's now totally changed my view, and trying to rationalise in my head about how long ago it was ect. But just doesn't sit well with me

OP posts:

Hanbam · 18/07/2021 19:25

The reason you can’t rationalise it is because it goes against your own morals. Not thinking it’s a big deal is a red flag in itself it’s bad enough he slept with a child at 21 AND without protection when he was a grown man he doesn’t think it’s an issue. I think deep down you know this isn’t the kind of man you want to be with. It must suck as 2 years with someone who you liked to be trashed in one conversation is really horrible to have to deal with, but you can’t unknow what you now know and I think continuing the relationship will cause you more unrest and potential unhappiness. As hard as it may be you will be better off without him in your life in the long run.

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 19:28

I think if it was the acknowledgement that it was wrong i would maybe feel a bit differently but it's the whole attitude of it. And i just don't think it's something i can move on from and be ok with, we were meant to be moving into a house together in September

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 18/07/2021 19:34

It’s etc. not ect. And yeah thats super creepy. Why did he tell you this now? What happened to the baby?

Hanbam · 18/07/2021 19:40

I’m so sorry such a complicated one because it’s not something he’s directly done to you that isn’t nice, so it isn’t cut and dry. Of course its completely up to you how you proceed and I’m just a person on the internet. I just think this is something that is irreconcilable in your head. 16 is so incredibly young and the whole situation sounds wretched. Maybe if you try to frame it that by leaving him is being kind and respectful to yourself and you can always be proud you stuck to your morals. I have been having a think if I can say something to you that would give you and alternative view, along the lines of he was young etc but unfortunately in this case, with him being so nonchalant and not completely owning up and taking responsibility for past mistakes I can’t really. Again I really feel for you but you’re obviously a lovely sound minded person to be concerned on this issue.

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 19:47

Well they obviously didn't keep it, understandably. No it's not cut and dry at all, and he's been lovely, we're planning to go away for my birthday next week, move in together ect and this has just thrown me completely. I can't even really remember how or why it came up in conversation. I voiced my views on it. But it's just been bothering me all day

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 18/07/2021 20:01

Hmmmm right

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 18/07/2021 20:09

I'm not minimising what your DP did but it was 16 years ago. If he has never displayed any behaviour that has made you question his morals before I do think you need to have a proper conversation about how you feel about his revelation. You say you've had a very happy two years together, surely you both need to get to the bottom of this before you walk away?
Obviously you don't need permission from random people on the internet to finish your relationship but I'd want to talk it through first. I'd also be very hurt if my partner finished with me for something I'd done 16 years ago.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/07/2021 20:15

Hmm this is a weird one because actually I don’t think that’s all that bad, especially how long ago it was times were different etc. When I was 16 I was seeing people in their early 20s and didn’t think anything of it. Now as a Mum to a 17 year old dd I will admit it does make my skin crawl a bit but I think nowadays it’s very for girls to be dating anyone who isn’t also a teen, this wasn’t the way it was back then. If the rest of the relationship is good I think I’d overlook it.

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 20:16

I know this is the problem it was soooo long ago. Maybe it's because i had negative encounters with an older boy when i was younger and I'm projecting my feelings. We have, i mean the normal disagreements, but very happy otherwise, lovely family, good morals

OP posts:

Christmasfairy2020 · 18/07/2021 20:23

Hmm she was legal tbh.

Samcartys · 18/07/2021 20:29

People make mistakes. It was legal and consensual presumably.
I wouldn’t bail out of what seems like a perfectly good relationship for it but you feel how you feel.

WildSwimming101 · 18/07/2021 20:35

21 year old Men aren't actually that mature.

16 is young. I know that know as a 33 year old. But at 16 I was all over the older guys. I thought 21 year olds were the best thing ever. Way better then a 16 year old boy!

Maybe he learnt a hard lesson?

What did he say about it? What are his views on it now?
I wouldn't chuck away a perfectly good relationship because of something g like this. Not without getting to the bottom of it all first.

8monthsinandcranky · 18/07/2021 20:36

I get it. My ex told me he’d dated a girl during his year abroad on his prestigious grad scheme (he was 22/23) she got pregnant after no precautions were taken. I asked what happened and he replied ‘I made it clear Id be returning to the U.K, alone, at the end of placement year so she chose to get rid.’ (religious country and the girl/her family were also very religious- she had no choice really )

Noooope, I left him ASAP

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 20:42

He's in the mind set that it's all fine and nothing was wierd about it. Mine is it's just wierd he was an adult and she was still a child. It just sits weirdly with me. I can imagine he wasn't mature at 21. He went on to have a long term relationship and children, great dad and nothing has ever made me question his morals.

OP posts:

WildSwimming101 · 18/07/2021 20:44

Well then I honestly think this is your problem and you need to really carefully unpick it all.

Do you think what he did 16 years ago has any effect on who he is today? How he has acted with you over the last 2 years? How he treats you day to day and how he treats you with more major life events?

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 18/07/2021 20:49

I was 16 and my ex 21 when we started dating and sleeping together. I didnt get pregnant for 3 years admittedly. But we were together for 9 years and have 2 dc together.

It was insanely common ime. I had friends who were younger and dating men similar ages if not older.
I'm not saying it was right, but it was very common.

Original poster

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 21:15

Oh absolutely it's how i feel about. I am a fair bit yonger than him so i guess I'm sounding out how common it is/ was at the time. As i said before it could be me projecting my feelings onto it from my past. And i won't be making any quick decisions about anything

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Bagelsandbrie · 18/07/2021 21:22

@Milkandhoney888

How old are you? I think that has a lot to do with it. I’m in my 40s and honestly it was so, so common back then. In fact as a 16 year old I absolutely hated the idea of dating anyone my own age, the thought of it literally made my skin crawl. I’d actively seek out older men - 21-25 was ideal in my eyes. I went on loads of dates with people, looking back I do think wow I was so vulnerable (!) but actually they all treated me really well and I never even kissed many of them - we just had dinner or went on walks and chatted etc! All ridiculously innocent in many ways. There were only one or two that became “boyfriends” and it was really normal to have an older boyfriend. My mum didn’t even bat an eyelid! In fact I think she was pleased I was with someone who always made sure I got home safely! It sounds so weird now by today’s standards, I know but it really was quite normal. My first proper boyfriend that lasted more than a few months was when I was 18 and he was 32. Now that seems truly weird to me now but again back then it was ok. Oddly enough I’ve reversed the trend now and my dh of 12 years is much younger than me….

I do think it’s just different contexts and times etc.

Journeynotdestination · 18/07/2021 21:39

I dated a 24 year old when I was 16 for over a year, he was my first proper boyfriend. I don’t have a problem with it and I’m in my ‘50’s now. It’s never really crossed my mind! You can get married and have sex at 16 and it’s not like your BF was that much older than her. It’s not illegal.

Hanger0n · 18/07/2021 21:53

It was legal. At 21 he may not have been particularly nature himself. I don't see why this changes things for you. Sometimes people make mistakes when they are younger.

imumme · 18/07/2021 22:22

Another one in her 40s who agrees that this was normal back in the day,

At 17, I dated a guy about 24 for almost a year. We eventually split because he wanted to settle down and I wasn't ready for that yet.

At college, we often went drinking and clubbing with our college lecturers. Some students even snogged / dated them. Again, it was seen as legal so okay.

Things have changed so much over the years, and yeah now I think it's creepy. But we didn't blink at it at the time except for the 16year old dating a man in his 40s, which we all though was a step too far!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:27

I know a guy who dated 17/18 in his early 20s. They were still at school and to me there is a line.

School - uni/work.

You don't cross it unless you're just appropriate.

What's notable to me I'd that he crossed lots of other lines ... cheating, three-dimensional with women he knew were unstable etc.

I would be wary of someone who fies out with shags school girls (or school age girls if they've left school v young) when they're a proper young adult. I mean there's tonnes of other young adults around your age, so why?

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:28

*inappropriate

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