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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think i have the ick

47 replies

Milkandhoney888 · 18/07/2021 18:44

Partner of two year's told me something today and it's completely changed the way i see him and has really made me feel uncomfortable. I feel so gutted because we had such a good relationship and i honestly thought this was the real deal. He told me when he was 21 he dated a 16 year old got her pregnant ect ect for reference he is now 37 but it's more the fact he thinks it's normal.

OP posts:

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:29

The fact he couldn't even sort contraception when he was the older & more experienced one too ...

That must have been a lovely start to relationships for her ... a termination.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 18/07/2021 22:30

That would be three-course, nor three dimensional

Peace43 · 18/07/2021 22:41

I’m 43. I had a 20 year old boyfriend when I was 16 as did my best mate. Wasn’t particularly uncommon at the time. He looked like Brian May (or I thought he did!). Can’t remember his name now but he was a lovely guy. It was a short fling. I don’t regret it in the slightest.

PrincessMyshkin · 18/07/2021 23:38

I totally understand how you feel OP and I would feel the same thinking of a 16 year old but for context I am 35 (you mention you are younger) and this was incredibly common when I was a teenager. Not saying it was ideal but times have changed.

I had a lot of interest from older guys including in particular a 23 year old at 16 (no sex as I actually had a boyfriend, although that relationship was problematic) but we really got on and it could have developed. He did definitely question the age difference though.

I dunno, I would expect some reflection from a late 30s guy on this not being a nice thing to have happened to a 16 year old but with differences in maturity, maybe he saw them as equals, that's how the 23 year old I knew saw it, anyway...

For me to look past this, seeing as it has been a good 2 year relationship, I would need a conversation about exactly how he saw the experience. If he said for instance, they met socially or at work, got on and he considered the age difference but she was a very mature and intelligent girl and the pregnancy happened despite precautions then that would be different from say, him making a habit of going out with much younger girls because he had no success with other 21 year olds.

I suppose Im saying that in my opinion, just because that's how it was back then, doesn't mean that he was either 100% in the right, or necessarily a predatory pervert. I think the social changes just mean this might be a bit of a grey area whereas now I think it would be more unusual, which I think is good. Girls that age are so vulnerable.

If you are put off irredeemably then it is entirely your right to end the relationship. As I say, just giving you a bit of insight into how it was then. Not condemning or condoning anyone.

KingdomScrolls · 18/07/2021 23:57

When I was 16/17 I was dating someone who was 20/21 we met in a nightclub and initially I told him I was 19, depending on how he views the situation now would affect how I felt about it. 16 is the age of consent older teen girls are often more mature than their male 16 year olds counterparts and when I was that she or was actually unusual to date a boy in the same year at school/sixth form. If it was a consenting relationship it is what it is. There are lots of people on here who were living alone and working etc at 16. There are a lot of variables that would affect my view on this one.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 19/07/2021 00:14

I’m 45 OP and honestly, things were different back then. When I was 16 I dated a 21 yr old for almost a year and when I was 17 I briefly dated a couple of guys both in their early 20s.

It was the same for all my friends, girls tended to be more mature and dated older guys.

Obviously now I look back and it seems icky. I have a daughter and I wouldn’t be happy with her dating a 21 yr old. But they were different times and I don’t know a single person who would have had an issue with it back then. It’s hard to imagine how different society was back then.

Overdon · 19/07/2021 00:27

OP you are right that it his attitude to the situation that is cause for concern.

Like many previous posters I also dated older boyfriends when I was 16/17 (a long time ago), but none of them got me pregnant, and were careful about protection.

Yes he may have been immature then, but I would expect him to be remorseful now for what that poor girl had to go through.
If he was being dismissive, then yes, it would be a red flag for me.

JustGiveMeGin · 19/07/2021 04:14

I don't think her age at the time was an issue. Possibly the fact he was lax with contraception (so was she?if she is mature enough for sex with an older guy she is mature enough to take 50% of the 'blame for lacking contraception in my opinion.)
I think you are over reacting a bit and would be better off focusing on how he has treated you for the duration of your relationship.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:30

if she is mature enough for sex with an older guy she is mature enough to take 50% of the 'blame for lacking contraception in my opinion.)

Only just the age of consent isn't really mature enough for sex.

That's the point.

And that's why twenty something guys should stay clear of just at the consent girl's who can't even vote yet and are probably still at school.

(And in NI until a lot later it would have been under the age of consent).

WhiskeyGalore212 · 19/07/2021 08:32

*just at the age of consent

Babdoc · 19/07/2021 08:39

“He went on to have a long term relationship and children, great dad…”
He has now dumped his children’s mother and is (yet again) in a relationship with a younger woman.
OP, I’m seeing a pattern here. And it’s not a nice one.
I’d listen to your ick. It’s giving you good advice.

Sandra15 · 19/07/2021 08:53

When I was 15 and a half I went out with a guy of almost 28. I lied to him about my age. I told him I was 19 and a student. Nothing happened between us, so not the same as your situation, but I didn't feel it was wrong or creepy. But then again I guess I just wanted to be seen as grown up. Now, I would question the emotional maturity of a man who wanted a girlfriend so much younger than himself.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 19/07/2021 09:17

@Babdoc

“He went on to have a long term relationship and children, great dad…” He has now dumped his children’s mother and is (yet again) in a relationship with a younger woman. OP, I’m seeing a pattern here. And it’s not a nice one. I’d listen to your ick. It’s giving you good advice.

He has now dumped his children’s mother and is (yet again) in a relationship with a younger woman.

I don't think the OP has stated why this previous relationship broke down so why assume (on the basis of no information) that he "dumped" the mother of his children?

SprayedWithDettol · 19/07/2021 09:21

It’s not ‘she was legal’ it is ‘she was able to legally consent’. Reducing a woman to being or not being ‘legal’ is vile.

Lan2020 · 19/07/2021 09:59

I understand how it's made you feel and I would possibly feel uncomfortable too. However, how is your relationship generally?
When I was 16 I dated a 26 year old (lost my virginity to him) and also had a bit of a 'fling' (no sex) with a 33 year old man! However, it's only looking back now as an adult that I realise how wrong that is!
I don't think 16 and 21 is as bad imo, maybe not ideal but I'm not sure worth ending your relationship. Ultimately only you can decide.

FifteenToes · 19/07/2021 11:22

What's wrong with a 21 year old dating a 16 year old? The age gap is not that large, and they're both over the age of consent.

I'd be more concerned about your need to micro-manage aspects of your partner's morality from decades ago, than about partner himself. But the ick is what it is, and if you have it you have it.

Babdoc · 19/07/2021 11:26

ShrinkingViolet9*, no, of course, this charmer who breezily admits he got a barely legal teenager pregnant, apparently didn’t bother to marry the mother of his DC (OP said “long term relationship”, not marriage) and is now separated from her and once again is dating a much younger woman… might be a solid, reliable chap who was dumped by his nasty partner. But I really don’t think so!

Neondisco · 19/07/2021 11:55

I'm 36. When I was 18 I dated a 26 year old. Eo a bit older. Tbh I feel a little bit icky about it now. There were a few things which were unpleasant about the relationship if I'm honest. But I remember when I was 26 and in ltr with my partner thinking no way would I date an 18 year old.

It's the lack of reflection which worries me in him op.

BlokeHereInPeace · 19/07/2021 14:01

52 year old man here. When I was 16, there was no way that 16 year old girls were talking more than they had to to me or my friends. They wqere off with the 20 year olds and quite understandable so.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 19/07/2021 14:24

If the girlfriend had been 18 would that have made a difference to you? To be honest I'd be more interested in why his marriage broke down and how he treats his children rather than something that happened 16 years ago.

As PPs have said, it wasn't unusual for 16 and 21 year olds to date. Not sure why the assumption is he didn't use contraception either? Anything could have happened. Condom split, etc.

How old are you OP?

BusySittingDown · 19/07/2021 14:35

Hmm, it's a hard one.

My sister met her ex husband when she was 16 and he was 21. They were together for 24 years - nobody thought anything of it. I was only 6/7 at the time so was oblivious. Maybe I wouldn't have been happy about it had I been older but for those 24 years I just saw him as a brother.

I also have friends who are a couple. He's 39 and she's 30 but they met when he was 26 and she was 17! She's always had an old head on her shoulders though. Same with my sister, I guess.

If you have the ick, there's no going back though. I would be pissed off that he didn't tell you for two years tbh.

GeorgiePorge · 19/07/2021 14:44

A someone who dated a 21 year old guy when i was 16/17, and knowing just how immature and stupid some 21 year old boys can be... I wouldn't write him off just for this. I also have a friend who met her partner at 16 this age gap and 20 years on they are still together with 3 kids.

Men's ability to risk assess, and control impulses are still developing right to 25. If he had been older at the time then I agree, but just cause they are a legal adult doesn't mean they are grown up at that age...

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