What would you think if someone was often at pains to tell you how unselfish they were?

[Selfhosta]

And said they always put others first and had always been that way etc.

This is dp who I’ve been with for nearly 4 years. He says the above, and other similar things, quite often, and particularly when he’s been drinking.

I don’t feel he does this at all! I mean he’s not particularly selfish, but then again, I don’t think he’s unselfish either. Yet he makes such a thing about it. It puzzles me that he sees himself this way.

I would think jeez he's getting carried away with himself here 😂
People say all sorts when they've had a drink often to big themselves up.
He may actually think it and not realise, have you told him he's not like that?

He does genuinely think it!

I haven’t said anything because it’s not really an issue for (yet) but it makes me question his self-awareness. I like emotionally intelligent men and slowly, very slowly, the doubts are creeping in!

He might have a martyr complex - it means he is prone to feeling sorry for himself, thinking that other people don't deserve him and ending up bitter and resentful.

It doesn't sound like those qualities are particularly pronounced in him, but I find it interesting that he comes out with these things when his guard is down and he loses his inhibition. Some people really do a lot for others, and I can understand how frustrated and sad they must feel at being unappreciated. They should not be demonised for wanting gratitude, but some people do have an incredibly flattering and inflated view of themselves, and that's something to be wary of.

Taken to extremes, I tend to stay clear of these kinds of people because no matter what they do to you, no matter if they were the aggressor, you usually get painted as 'the baddy'. They have real knack of manipulating people into believing that they're a good soul, that they do a lot for others, that they're 'nice' people who wouldn't say boo to a goose. They should not be confronted if they 'accidently' behave importantly or insult someone because, they're just so nice aren't they? They should be pitied as their wonderful natures and deeds are not acknowledged...... whereas in reality, inside they are truly twisted and quietly furious that the world does not recognise their greatness and sacrifice. Inside, they are vengeful people who find covert ways to get back at people, ways that will look accidental but are entirely intentional.

Like I said, that's the extreme end of the spectrum and I sincerely hope you don't recognize any of those qualities in your partner.

behave improperly*

Does he tell you he's a nice guy?

Wow @EarthSight thank you for your comprehensive answer! There are bits of it that really resonate with me, especially the bits about him not being appreciated.

@AuntieDolly yes he does.

It’s difficult to explain really. He’s not a bad msn at all, he has a lot of genuinely lovely qualities. But he has so little self awareness, and somehow this is bothering me more and more.

I'd find this extremely cringe worthy. Come to think of it, I've never heard a person say this and thought they were right. It's always average or more selfish than average people saying it. Also see: "I'm a nice guy".

Actions speak louder than words in this case.

This might be the wrong way to go about it but if it's something he says while drinking, I'd pretend to a bit drunker than I am and bluntly tell him that he isn't, and ask why he always says that.

‘The lady doth protest too much’ comes to mind.

Sign that he’s not as self aware as you’d thought, and risk that if under pressure and / or there’s conflict between you he uses his supposed ‘unselfishness’ against you.

If he has poor self awareness, wouldn’t want to have DC together.

We all have our flaws, but his seem to suggest risk he’d claim to be a fabulous father / partner whilst not doing all that much!

My mum was genuinely like this. I never heard her say it.

I'd ask for 5 examples.

Agree with @Dozer.

I'd think it mean they aren't.

Then again, I think when poster wrote here (usually in AIBU) on MN and ensure they emphasis how nice they were or how polite or calm they were I tend to think this means they mostly weren't

Maybe someone in the past told him he was selfish and he is still defending himself now to the wrong person.

Poor self-awareness is the single most important factor in my discontinuing a relationship, and if it's bothering you now, the feeling will only grow.

I have a relative like this, constantly has to tell you everything they have done for others or how they have put themselves out for others and no one else makes the same effort in return.... It gets very tedious and I actually no longer spend so much time with this person as if you say no to something they want, they just throw everything they have done at you. Than ironically the most unselfish people are the ones who never ever complain about the loads on their plate.

We don’t live together, we have dc but not together - we’re both in our 50’s!

He’s not a maudlin drunk really, just goes off on what an all round amazing person he is! When he’s not drinking he can be seen as quite cocky - he goes for the “cheeky chappie” persona! But his confidence was something that attracted me to him in the first place, and he is genuinely very good at his job.

Maybe we’ve just outgrown each other :(. Lots of food for thought here, I’m glad I posted. Thank you.

Asking for examples is a good idea. So is asking him to do things that I need doing but don’t want to do!

Reminds me of a friend who always says this. But of all my friends she is the most self absorbed and quite nasty about people behind their back and resentful! Yet she cannot do one reasonable thing (like send a birthday card) without telling a story of how selfless she is.

I always guessed it came from her deep down knowing this wasn't the case, but expressing her desire to do better.

I don't know.

Narcissist. One of the typical behaviours is telling others how good/kind/generous/well liked/clever they are. FiL used to constantly tell usually of the above. Every anecdote would be accompanied by an explanation of how much the person in the story liked him. Weird and uncomfortable. Total lack of self awareness.

I also have a relative like this. Constantly waffling on about how much they do for people, when in fact they’re far less generous with their time and attention to others than most of their peers. Again, it seems to flow from lack of self-awareness and is very wearing, as you now seem to be finding.

I used to know someone like this. She helped an old lady (housework, shopping etc) from time to time and my god we never stopped hearing about it. She was also a child-minder and again never stopped blabbing on about her kind deeds "I even did the mum's ironing, I mean I totally didn't have to go out of my way like that, I'm so kind and helpful" blah blah blah. Really cringe-worthy. No contact now for other reasons too.