What would you think if someone was often at pains to tell you how unselfish they were?

[Selfhosta]

And said they always put others first and had always been that way etc.

This is dp who I’ve been with for nearly 4 years. He says the above, and other similar things, quite often, and particularly when he’s been drinking.

I don’t feel he does this at all! I mean he’s not particularly selfish, but then again, I don’t think he’s unselfish either. Yet he makes such a thing about it. It puzzles me that he sees himself this way.

I have a friend who likes to talk about her good attributes. She boasts about herself but is also insecure and not very self aware. It’s off putting.

@RebeccaCloud9 I think this was in the back of my mind :(. He’s very full of himself in terms of how good looking and charming etc he is as well! I mean I find him attractive but, speaking plainly, we’re both perfectly average 50 somethings.

God, the more I write, the worse he sounds!

‘I’d think lack of self-knowledge was deeply unattractive.

I mean, this is essentially the office bore who keeps saying ‘I’m mad, me!’ as though that makes it true, only with a side order of virtue-signalling.

There isn't really room for mutual respect if you're in a relationship with someone who is truly arrogant. The other party is usually seen as lesser, smaller, and the arrogant one thinks they are such a brilliant person for 'settling' for someone they think is inferior to them. They see themselves as doing you a favour, so your wortheyness is already in negative balance simply by being with them!!

I think those people end up feeling very confused - one the one hand they can be resentful they didn't manage to bag anyone better, on the other, being with someone they see as somehow lesser suits them. They can complain about how unappreciated they are, cash in on pity-points from friends and family who think they are quiet heros, and frequently get an ego boost when other people say how fab they are and they deserve something better.

Some lovely people end up with bad life partners and I do think they deserve better, but I the difference there is that they don't cash-in on a victim status and use it to inflate their sense of worth.

@DoorAjar

‘I’d think lack of self-knowledge was deeply unattractive.

I mean, this is essentially the office bore who keeps saying ‘I’m mad, me!’ as though that makes it true, only with a side order of virtue-signalling.

@DoorAjar I know exactly what you mean. XD

Also, there is a certain type of small minded person that think all manner of things are 'mad' just because they don't do it, or just because they haven't heard of xyz. I find those people tedious.

I’d think they were a bit insecure and would probably tell them that if they have a quality it’ll be evident through their actions; they don’t need to draw attention to it

@EarthSight this completely describes my (narc) FiL's relationship with (lovely, downtrodden) MiL. He was horrid to her their whole marriage then massively played the victim when she died.

If there are no other red flags with his behaviour then I would consider this a fairly minor foible while intoxicated.

For comparison my DH when feeling chided for some misdemeanour or other generally responds along the lines of that as long as he is not the worst (man) then he's satisfied he's ok and hitting his targets!

Basically "you could do a lot worse, love".

Not a particularly high bar of achievement but it's one of his defence mechanisms. Along with attack is the the best form of defence!

I accept him for what he is: a, sometimes annoying, flawed human being.

Just like me 😀

He’s very full of himself in terms of how good looking and charming etc he is as well!

Oh god how cringe is this?!

Do you still find him attractive even though he's always telling you how attractive and kind and generous he is? I would be so turned off!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He’s very full of himself in terms of how good looking and charming etc he is as well!

Oh god how cringe is this?!

Do you still find him attractive even though he's always telling you how attractive and kind and generous he is? I would be so turned off!

I don’t know! Initially, all the talk about how good looking he thinks he is, and how good at his job he is (this is true, I’ve seen his work) was part of the confidence that attracted me to him. I suppose I took it all with a pinch of salt in the beginning but it’s starting to grate now that I know he actually thinks this!

The fine line between confidence and arrogance.

Sounds like some narc tendencies there.

I would imagine being mortified at him doing this in front of other people if I were you, as well as being massively turned off by it! Imagine having to sit there while he bigs himself up to people argh!

In general, I have found that people who feel the need to constantly tell you how they are, are rarely like that.

@ohfuckitall

In general, I have found that people who feel the need to constantly tell you how they are, are rarely like that.

Absolutely this.

I don’t know! Initially, all the talk about how good looking he thinks he is, and how good at his job he is (this is true, I’ve seen his work) was part of the confidence that attracted me to him. I suppose I took it all with a pinch of salt in the beginning but it’s starting to grate now that I know he actually thinks this!

Oh dear !
People who are confident and happy with themselves never, ever do these things.
They dont need to.
He sounds dreadful.

@ohfuckitall

In general, I have found that people who feel the need to constantly tell you how they are, are rarely like that.

Agreed. Recently came across someone I know on social media. Her bio just said "hard-working, generous, the life-and-soul of the party". In the interests of not being a total bitch, I'll concede that I only know her through one sphere of her life and might not be getting her full glory, but still - who would write that as their own bio? Take credit for your achievements by all means, but it's just weird to blow your trumpet about how amazing your personality is. If you're wonderful, you don't need to tell people.

It didn't make me want to add her as a friend, that's for sure.

Anyone who behaves like that is a nutter. Trust me on this one.

This is definitely a trait of a narcissistic.
An inflated sense of their own kindness and selflessness. Doing good deeds for strangers but not bothering to extend that kindness to those closest to them. Generally feeling they are important and that others really like and look up to their examples. Ofcourse none of this is actually true to any listeners and onlookers!

Urgh, he sounds bloody awful!

When someone tells/shows you who he is, pay attention!

You clearly didn’t but have now twigged, and will surelu get the ‘ick’!

I think it can be an important part of men's self concept to be selfless, while they have to maintain status by seeming alpha. Think of it like positive self talk / affirmation 'I am a nice guy'. Don't rubbish someone for no good reason, we are all flawed!

He wouldn't need to say he's not selfish if he was genuinely unselfish. A person with positive traits doesn't usually have to tell you, they show it in their behaviour and actions.

Someone in my past used to tell me "I am not a bustard." "This proves I am not a bustard." "What you wee is what you get. I am that transparent." He turned out to be the most toxic, horrible person I had ever had the misfortune in coming across.

See, not wee. 😆

This is my DS, I love her to bits and she is a good person, but blimey, is she SMUG about it?