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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Older, wiser, knew better, still gutted

28 replies

MarylinMonrue · 18/07/2021 14:09

Sigh.

Just out of another relationship with a wildly avoidant unavailable man who made me feel like a dependent mess for wanting basic stuff like being able to say 'I love you' and not being treated like a fun way to pass time until the life he really wants comes along.

Whyyyy do I keep doing this (jk, it's my childhood) but I really thought that after some therapy and a while off dating I was prepared :( Gutted as he is an untogether disaster but still a decent man at heart and we had some good times.

Bugger.

OP posts:
Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 14:15

Childhood patterns take a lifetime to overcome. I'm amazed on here when people say, I did therapy so that has got rid of my code pendent tendencies, etc

Have you had a nice long time, two years plus, on your own?

Are you able to see in hindsight the red flags?

Be compassionate to yourself.

Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 18/07/2021 14:20

2.5 years before this one :( In the rear view mirror it looks like a communist parade.

OP posts:
Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 14:23

Hahaha! That's funny, though Smile Look, if you've ended it, understand why, aren't blaming yourself or downing too many magheritas then...you're doing well!!! This is a success...another assclown banished.

LatentPhase · 18/07/2021 14:40

Ahhh, OP, please can I join?

In the process (oh god it’s so lonnng and drawn out, please where is the guillotine) of splitting with avoidant man No.2. Relationship of five years.

Far lovelier chap but exact same emotional milieu as exH. Who I kicked out 8 years ago.

I’ve had therapy, I’m having more.

Cannot believe I’ve done this again. I’m trying to be kind to myself because this time step dynamics really got in there and I was so naïve, just gave me a new way to be a fixer.

FML. HOW have I done this to myself.

StartingAgain33 · 19/07/2021 18:34

I can relate to this! I think they're lovely at the time...then as the red flags pile up I become more and more anxious, blame myself until it implodes. Then look back and realise it was never right.

I think I have a way of honing the weirdos out. I honestly need to take a break now, I have zero faith I can find any nice ones.

Meeeeesh · 19/07/2021 19:49

Same fucking thing. Single for almost 5 years and happy. Unintentionally met someone and he was lovely but you know what I knew something was off I googled love bombing after a few dates. So really more fool me for and lesson learned.

It probably feels rubbish now but you made some good memories and lessons to take on with you.

SilverRoe · 19/07/2021 19:56

‘Gutted as he is an untogether disaster but still a decent man at heart and we had some good times.’ - Sorry to say it but this right here is why. The absolutely unshakeable hope that someone is a ‘decent man at heart’ - and ergo there could be a chance, however remote, however slim, that somehow things will change how you want them to.

It’s amazing how ‘sticky’ this hope can be when it’s been formed in childhood. You do the therapy, talk it out, take a break and then get hooked back in because some part of you is still holding on to whatever belief it is about trying to earn or win or be ‘good enough’ for the love of an unavailable person.

SilverRoe · 19/07/2021 20:01

How to get passed it is to learn how to tell when that hook is going off - often the person will feel very familiar to you, exciting and you will feel strongly really quickly. And take your time!!

You have to be prepared to stop at the first red flag. And it’s way easier to do if you’re not dangling on that hook that pulls you in because you’re chasing the impossible.

Another thing that helps is to understand it would not matter even if you DID get the person to commit, change, become available. It won’t change whatever happened in your childhood, and repeating these patterns really is the hope of a much younger you trying to change a past that is gone. When you can accept that and learn to love with that pain and see it doesn’t mean life and love are closed to you, things get a lot better.

Just my perspective there, may not resonate, but if it does then I can tell you a whole new, happier way of relating to people is on the other side of that acceptance. Flowers

promomo · 19/07/2021 21:49

I'll join too. I'm still in the relationship (2.5 years) but I'm slowly accepting I either need to accept the kind of relationship my DP is offering (steady, loving, but not as available as I'd like) or end it. It'll be sad but feeling lonely and anxious in a relationship has to be worse.

@Marylin @StartingAgain33 @LatentPhase did you end the relationships? Was there any sign of a change once your exes realised they were about to lose you? Or were you just too far down the line and done?

StartingAgain33 · 19/07/2021 21:53

I was about to end this one but he sensed it and did it first! By voice note. After 9 months. Which says it all about his level of kindness and emotional intelligence.

@meeeeesh did you stay with him past those few dates? Or cut it short? I also googled love bombing a few weeks into our relationship. Should have stopped it there.

promomo · 19/07/2021 21:54

@SilverRoe learn to love with the pain? that's hit me quite hard. i'm a big fan of acceptance and it generally brings me peace but i can't seem to maintain it in this relationship. when we're together it's great, but I soon cycle back to a longing for more. it's exhausting.

Defiantly41 · 19/07/2021 22:16

I've been following The Secure Relationship on Instagram, really helpful insight

SilverRoe · 19/07/2021 22:16

Ah i meant live with it! As in whatever has happened on your past. Like accept it can’t be changed and that will always hurt, but it doesn’t mean you have to be with guys who perpetuate that hurt.

I don’t think love should hurt and you should go through pain and longing for more with someone. Sorry for my rubbish typing!

Athena3686 · 19/07/2021 22:43

Can I join ? Not sure if mine is the same OP?
10 months in and is saying “I like you a lot” but doesn’t say “I love you “ I feel like I love him .
When we are together have a lovely time in every way but he struggles with communicating when we are apart .
Has admitted that he has some feelings for his ex although accepts they are over . She has moved on . It’s hard when you get on well but I guess I do wonder if his feelings will change and if I ll just get more hurt down the line . Also he has some other issues which affect parts of his life including our relationship etc .
Am in a new area so don’t know many people except him any suggestions from anyone ?

snakegurl · 20/07/2021 07:16

@promomo I'm where you are, I could have written that word for word. I feel like I'd be adrift without him, but when we're together (some of the time) I feel so lonely and anxious.

Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 20/07/2021 07:57

10 months in and is saying “I like you a lot” but doesn’t say “I love you

Oh yes, I had this! Can’t say the word love apparently as it’s been made so clear through previous relationships that it’s just word people use and doesn’t mean they won’t treat you badly. Hah! Also couldn’t communicate when apart. In further will take both of these as the airport runway sized flags they are.

@SilverRoe absolutely bang on - keep trying to heal the past by ‘winning’ it now - a futile spiral to be caught in.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 20/07/2021 07:59

@MarylinMonrue

Sigh.

Just out of another relationship with a wildly avoidant unavailable man who made me feel like a dependent mess for wanting basic stuff like being able to say 'I love you' and not being treated like a fun way to pass time until the life he really wants comes along.

Whyyyy do I keep doing this (jk, it's my childhood) but I really thought that after some therapy and a while off dating I was prepared :( Gutted as he is an untogether disaster but still a decent man at heart and we had some good times.

Bugger.

Having some basic positive expectations as you do is healthy - it's the deficient a-holes that are to blame here, not you.
Athena3686 · 20/07/2021 08:58

@MarylinMonrue
Can you explain what you mean by airport run away sized flags ?
I think it’s better not to say it unless you mean it and actions speak louder than words anyway

Meeeeesh · 20/07/2021 08:59

@StartingAgain33 no I didn’t end it there and more fool me, I completely wish I did and that’s the lesson I’m taking with me. Like @promomo said stop at the first red flag so although it was an unhealthy relationship I regret I won’t make that mistake again. He resulted to be a cataclysmic twat.

StartingAgain33 · 20/07/2021 09:09

It's tricky isn't it as I'm sure there are lovely men who are very affectionate at the beginning. Learning rhe difference between that and love bombing is important. I've got no idea what it is!

Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 20/07/2021 09:36

Athena - I get it, I really do, but a guy who’s incapable of saying it for whatever reason is damaged or unavailable in a way that will negatively impact his relationships. Actions are great, words are also actions. Saying I love you is an action, refusing to say it is choosing an action.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 20/07/2021 09:39

Also, men reach out when they want to - they’re really not that complicated I’ve learned to my bitter fury XD If he’s not making contact when you’re apart, he doesn’t want to. That’s also an action. Telling you he still has feelings for his ex (priming you to not expect too much) is an action. You’re right that this guys actions are speaking loud and clear, I’m sorry they’re not saying anything good. Very much been in the same boat and it sucks.

OP posts:
Athena3686 · 20/07/2021 11:24

@MarylinMonrue
Thanks for your reply I do agree I think he s holding back due to previous losses as well.
They are simple creatures really and he has explained how he sometimes switches off and goes into himself instead of contacting me .
Like you I seem to attract the emotionally unavailable man it’s annoying

StartingAgain33 · 20/07/2021 21:52

Anyone have any thoughts on how long to stay single for after a breakup with a narcissistic man? I'm 37 and want children so don't feel I have time to waste but at the same time don't want to rush into things when I'm still processing this.

Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 21/07/2021 07:53

I had to do 2 strict no dating years to recover from a proper narc, dipped my toe back in for 6 months and I still managed to back another hopeless one! But if you want kids I guess that’s too long a window

OP posts: