Friend talks about herself constantly

[Conundrum12345]

I've a friend who CONSTANTLY talks about herself. The topic could be to do with anything else or anybody else and she centre it around herself. Its through all mediums, in person, over text and calls.
Honestly its so draining. EVERYTHING is drama

I've tried changing the topic, or just not replying. On the off chance I get asked how I am it immediately gets turned around to all about her. She's always been like this, but its got worse over the years.

Does anyone have any advice?

No, ive a friend the same. Im slowly backing away. Sadly she's running out of friends.

People like this dont need friends they just need a person to monologue to.

DH and I have a friend like this. Fortunately we are very fond of her and she's great fun to be around (very funny, very generous host, lots of scandalous tales from her profession - she's an actor, darling) BUT we only see her in person about once a year. She doesn't live nearby and has a partner and busy life so that's fine. If she was a friend who wanted more from us then I would find it hard, she's sort of exhausting.

For you op, your only options are 1) to have a very frank discussion with her about the way she is (maybe she honestly doesn't realise) or 2) see less of her, give yourself a break.

I realise neither of those outcomes are ideal, but what else can you do? .

She lives on the other side of the country so I see her rarely but in frequent contact with her, usually her initiating and with some "drama" associated.

She constantly talks about how much money she earns, about her career, about everything. She's married so I wonder if she talks to her partner much.

I recently suffered a miscarriage and while she was supportive at the start she somehow turned it on herself, asking my advice as to how she would best cope IF it happened to her, how she's worried about becoming pregnant in case it happens. Just no sense of awareness

In what way is she a friend?
Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal.

I lost patience with all friends like that I had a lot of them as I used to be a very patient, polite, passive person. I just had enough, ditched them all and am now incredibly picky about only befriending people who have healthy boundaries and self awareness. You are allowed to back away. She's unlikely to change.

You can’t win with people like that.

If you say anything you will be accused of being mean and nasty and the conversation will end in her tears and any future contact will involve her reminding you of how she was so hurt when you said that it was all about her. Yeah because it was lol.

I don’t know how you can sort this out. Perhaps a psychologist will be along to advise. Hopefully.

Im sorry about your miscarriage, i dont how you didnt tell her to fuck off when she turned it to her. I would make yourself less available, be slower to respond to messages. People like this tend to just want someone to talk at, phase out with no guilt attached.

Have a similar friend.

She wouldn't stop banging on about her new job when she knew I was facing redundancy. It was so insensitive, but I'm not sure if it's malicious or a lack of awareness on her part.

I'm backing away. I've stopped replying to texts when she goes on about herself.

I recently suffered a miscarriage and while she was supportive at the start she somehow turned it on herself, asking my advice as to how she would best cope IF it happened to her, how she's worried about becoming pregnant in case it happens. Just no sense of awareness

Wow just fuck her off. This is no friendship, what a self absorbed twat. I’m not usually a fan of ghosting but she won’t change and if you try and talk to her she will make herself a victim and create a big drama.

I had a friend like that. I backed away. Endless conversation (one way) about her. I had one really rubbish week at work and as I mentioned it, she top trumped it with something more trivial and banged on about herself without even asking how I was. I was beginning to dread meeting her. She latched onto someone else 😁

OP I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. That was the time for her to stop and listen. 💐

The friendship is fucked. You are going to get to the point where you drop her completely. When things have reached that point there's nothing of value to be lost by being blunt.

Do you realise you do nothing but talk about yourself, turn every conversation around to yourself? Why is that?

In all likelihood, she'll throw a tantrum and the friendship will be fuckee. But it's fucked anyway. 🤷‍♀️ And there's the slight possibility she might actually take an honest look at herself and be better for it

Been there, done that, ditched the 'friend'. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, it's heart breaking to go through. And awful she made it about her.
I waited for my friend to overstep the line, as she did many a time. Then I told her I'd had enough and had no interest in a friendship with her. She was blind sided. But the relief is immense. I recommend it. She's draining you.

Just look at them with a confused expression and say ‘err… ok….anyway…’ and then carry on from where they cut you off. Also works for constant interrupters.

She doesn't have many friends. We've known each other since childhood.

I'm just wondering why its a constant need to talk about herself. I mean its literally non stop talk about how stressed she is in work (for years), how important she is etc. She never once asks me about my work or how things are progressing

Why do you stay friends with her?

It seems like you actually like her , so maybe it's worth putting up with. You probably won't change her. I've had a few friends like this. One of them i've stopped seeing because she could literally talk about herself for 4 hours solid. When my husband phoned her up to tell her l'd had a baby she said 'oh my cousin's dentist had a baby last week' . FFS.

My brother is like this, I keep in touch with him.

I have an acquaintance like this, I'm slowly easing her out of my life. Its just too self absorbed

I backed away from a friend like this. I knew she was self-centred but I always assumed that she’d be there for me if I ever needed her. I was wrong. When I told her my dog died, she told me she knew exactly how I felt because her relative had recently lost their dog and then went on to tell a long story about her playing with the relatives dog. All talk about my loss was forgotten.

I realised the friendship was over when I didn’t feel I could tell her about my miscarriage or my Dad’s cancer because I just knew she’d turn the conversation back to herself.

I eventually decided to give her another chance and told her something really personal that was causing me serious worry and again she told a completely unrelated story about herself and all talk about my problem was forgotten.

I realised we were never really friends, I was just another ear for her to use whenever she wanted to talk about herself. She’s also far too sensitive so there’s absolutely no way to address any issues without the friendship completely imploding.

It’s just ego and an unhealthy self interest. My father is very much like this. Also a very generous and kind man, and always been good to us, but manages to turn every conversation to himself. There’s no malice there but it’s more of an irritation than anything.

My wife had a very close female friend who was the same and she put up with it for years. The straw that broke the camels back was when my wife’s father died and the friend was nowhere to be seen for weeks - she got one text from her to say sorry for her loss, whilst people she didn’t know anywhere near as well were calling her or dropping by. She lived 15 mins away and was very much available at the time. To make matters worse, said friend had been through a major health issue a couple of years proper and my wife was round with her 3-4 times a week at the time - supporting her, looking after her and doing lots for her.

When she eventually surfaced she was in tears and said she felt guilty about not being there for my wife, managed to turn the whole thing round into a sympathy session for her with no mention of my wife’s father again. After that the friendship was essentially over.

At least you can cut down/off contact. With me it is not one but two (unrelated) family members so I have no escape 😅. I hate it though, and its such a presumption on your rime and energy. I'd make the conversations strictly time limited - just say well I have yo go- bye now (my dsis still usually jumps in with another few minutes about herself so easier said than done i know) and also if I ring (seldom, its usually the othef eay round) i try to launch straight into talking about myself

Just like you might declutter your home - it's quite useful to do the same with friends

I sympathise hugely op, I had a friend like this. It was difficult because I did genuinely like her, but there was no reciprocity at all in our relationship. We could meet up, I could ask her one question abs that would be it - I wouldn’t have to open my mouth again for the next three hours!

I think if you’re not getting anything out of this relationship then just don’t respond to any of her overtures. The turning point for me came on the evening of the day of my dh’s funeral. I’d felt exhausted and another friend had brought me home. Self-involved friend turned up at the door and proceeded to talk about all the issues with her Dh. They’d been separated about 8 years at this point. My other friend couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

I stopped replying to her after that night and I never hear from her now. I hear on the grapevine that she’s given up with me and I never make the effort and she’s done!

Seems to me she might be egocentric, with the odd narcissistic trait thrown in as well.

I doubt she'll ever change.

This describes both my siblings and half DH and mine friends. It seems increasingly common for people not to know how to have a mutually beneficial conversation, preferring to talk at people instead.