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Original poster

DP shown porn by his step dad

31 replies

Menwithven1991 · 18/07/2021 09:16

My partner has always had a bit of a weird relationship with his mom and step dad. Irregular visits around once a month for a couple of hours, with no contact in between. DC (7 and 4) have never had a sleepover or been taken out by them. I always thought it was a bit strange because he is an only child, no contact with his dad and only his grandad on his moms side, but DP didn't say why
just that he hated his mom. Fast forward to this year and DPs grandad passed away..very sad, he was a lovely man and they were extremely close.

DP was beside himself and started telling me that when he was 9 or 10 he was on holiday with his mom and step dad, and when his mom went to have a shower/use the toilet, his step dad showed him porn videos and started telling DP what sexual things he had done with DPs mom...fast forward another year or two and partners step dad offered to drop him off at school. Whilst there, he apparently parked up and made inappropriate comments about school girls! Is it just me or is this man disgusting ? I don't want him here at all, around our children or to have any contact with them. DP brought it up with his mom about what had happened and she said "he always used to worry you would end up gay" excusing the behaviour!
What would you do in this situation? I think I'm just really shocked and need a bit of reassurance that I'm not being over board! Of course DC love their nan and I feel guilt about that, but don't want such a toxic person in our life

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 18/07/2021 09:19

That is absolutely awful OP and I would not want any contact at all. If he (stepfather) asks about it you should be very clear about your reasons. Showing a child pornography is abusive and perverted.

Branleuse · 18/07/2021 09:19

in the situation id listen to what your dp wants. Does your dp even want to see his mum every month? Could you stop doing it?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2021 09:20

He is disgusting, what he did was child abuse, and the mother is no better with her dismissiveness and both of them are clearly homophobic.

You aren't being OTT in any way.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 18/07/2021 09:21

looks like your dp has his head screwed on with minimal visits.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/07/2021 09:27

Oh your poor DP, that's awful. I absolutely not want my DC around either of them.

We often think of women as "safe" and cut contact with an abuser but let the wife remain in our lives. Your Mils response to your DP just shows that she has no interest in keeping him (and by extension his dc) safe.

Your DP has done so bloody well to tell you. Male survivors are often shamed and stigmatised for than female survivors. Especially when it's within the family. That's he's opened up to you speaks volumes about how much he trusts you.

Original poster
Menwithven1991 · 18/07/2021 09:27

This is my stance on it. I'm not blaming it on this entirely, but a couple of years ago DP had a complete breakdown and was in hospital..and I can't help but think stuff like this may have contributed!

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 18/07/2021 09:28

I think you must be led by your partner in this.
I absolutely understand your reaction and you must be shocked, but please dont lose sight that your DP is the only victim in this. Please have trust in him that he has always kept his children safe and will continue to do so.
I think it's great that your DP has fi ally felt able to share this with you, and have his feelings validated. It must be good for him to hear that what happened was so wrong and terrible, after his mum dismissed it.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 18/07/2021 09:33

Having been in an abusive situation as a child I can completely see why your Dp is acting in this way. Complete no contact for the children and probably sees his mum out or duty/loyalty/guilt, I know I did. I could never 'out' the person as it was too difficult. That she defended him is inexcusable and for that reason I would encourage your Dp to never see the pair of them again. I carried on for decades and only went full no contact about 2 years ago. My regret is that I did not do it sooner but the guilt destroyed me.

IWantT0BreakFree · 18/07/2021 09:33

Fucking hell that's awful. I hope it is validating for your DP to be finally listened to and taken seriously, rather than have the abuse dismissed and condoned as his mother did.

I would not have this man anywhere near my children and I would have no problem being very direct as to the reason why. I'd be happy to handle this on DP's behalf if he found it traumatic or difficult to do (and wanted me to). I suppose if DP is happy for his mum to have contact with the DC without the stepfather present then that's up to him. Although to be honest I would not be allowing her unsupervised contact due to the risk that she would involve her husband against your wishes. It's very clear that she sees no harm in his sexual abuse of her child (and what he did to your DP was very definitely sexual abuse) and her judgement is not to be trusted.

Don't allow them to gaslight you into believing it was normal or acceptable. It was sexual abuse. There is a whole realm of sexual abuse that does not involve physical contact, and showing pornographic material to a child is very firmly in that realm. As was his explicit description of sexual activity between him and DP's mother.

If you have a look online I'm sure there will be organisations who can offer support and advice to historic sexual abuse victims. It may help to have a professional confirm to DP that what he experienced was abusive and was wrong. Maybe that would give him the confidence he needs to face the minimisation from his mother and stepfather.

Tinpotspectator · 18/07/2021 09:34

Chuck him out immediately!

Onlinedilema · 18/07/2021 09:37

If it were me I would not visit his step father nor let my children visit. It's up to your dp if he visits. Support your dp he has had to suffer this vile man's behaviour.

Original poster
Menwithven1991 · 18/07/2021 09:40

He said he feels much better after confiding because he's questioned what happened over and over again over the years, wondering if it was normal or not ! I feel so sorry for him, I want to text his mom but what good will it do. One thing's for certain, I don't want any contact with them and certainly don't want them around our children !

OP posts:
Original poster
Menwithven1991 · 18/07/2021 09:46

I have always noticed that his step dad is constantly making stuff sexual. After DPs grandad died we were all sitting around a table talking about memories we had of him...DP was talking about when his grandad and step dad took him to watch live wrestling as a child and that he was always spoilt by his grandad....first thing out of his step dads mouth was that he was only there to look at all the female wrestlers, just constantly talking on this manner and being a perv! I always knew he was off but now it's obviously very concerning. Thanks for your input ladies, I had an idea I wasn't being over board but it's nice to get confirmation!

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 18/07/2021 09:51

I think now your partner is ready to talk about what happened, it might be a good idea to suggest him seeing a counsellor. Sometimes a partner being there is not enough, it is good to speak with a counsellor for professional input. Also the first counsellor may not be the right fit and he may need to search again. I found the counsellor for me the third time. It can really help.

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 09:52

OP, of course it massively contributed to his breakdown.

Poor boy.

So let down by his mother.

Me, nor my children would never be arround them again and they certainly wouldn't be near our home.

Your partner will have to decide what's best for him but you get to decide regarding your children and yourself.

How awful.Flowers

dworky · 18/07/2021 09:56

Never takes long to find a woman to be blamed, does it?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2021 09:59

@dworky

Never takes long to find a woman to be blamed, does it?
Her son told her that, as a 9 year old, his step dad showed him pornography and she excused it by saying he was worried that her son would turn out gay.

This isn't a post blaming her for his actions, this is a post that is blaming her for her inaction to hearing about the abusive behaviour and excusing it with homophobia.

Theblacksheepandme · 18/07/2021 10:03

dworky
I confided in my Mum about something that happened to me as a child. My Mum couldn't get me out of the room fast enough and continued to have the man visit. I do blame my Mum as it was her responsibility after telling her at the age of 9 to protect me. I now have a daughter and couldn't imagine doing what my Mum did to me.

IWantT0BreakFree · 18/07/2021 10:05

Never takes long to find a woman to be blamed, does it?

Are you for real?

Mermaid9264 · 18/07/2021 20:16

*sorry if possible trigger**
My grandad was like this when i was a child. He also showed me porn, and would also point out women to me and make remarks and ask if i liked them. Im now 29 and these things still effect me. I always felt very uncomfortable around him. This os child abuse.
Fyi he later went on to sexually abuse me.

GreenBlood · 18/07/2021 20:40

@IWantT0BreakFree

Never takes long to find a woman to be blamed, does it?

Are you for real?

No, hang the fuck on. Don't you dare try that fucking shit! Are YOU for fucking real?? People here are bending backwards to make the woman the bad guy but hellloooo....it is the revolting interluding MAN who is to blame. He abused the children when the mother was in the shower so she couldn't fucking hear so don't fucking go and make out the woman is as bad as him!!

So many abuse apologists on this site who think they're as pure as the driven fucking snow!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2021 20:58

Not one person is excusing the man for what he did. It doesn't mean the mother WHO DIMISSED HER SON TELLING HER ABOUT THE ABUSE isn't in the wrong too though.

You're right in saying there's an abuse apologist here for sure. Maybe you should take a good look at yourself.

GreenBlood · 18/07/2021 21:12

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Not one person is excusing the man for what he did. It doesn't mean the mother WHO DIMISSED HER SON TELLING HER ABOUT THE ABUSE isn't in the wrong too though.

You're right in saying there's an abuse apologist here for sure. Maybe you should take a good look at yourself.

What the fuck do you mean by that? Are you saying I am an abuse apologist? You better produce the evidence right now for that.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2021 21:18

By ignoring the fact that her son told her about the abused, then excused it citing homophobia as a reason, she was complicit. You're excusing that behaviour, so therefore are are exactly the person you're causing others of being.

They are both abusive.

Glad to have cleared that up for you.

xsquared · 18/07/2021 21:23

@Tinpotspectator

Chuck him out immediately!
Have you read the op or even the title? Why does the OP need to chuck the DP for something his stepdad did to him?
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