DP shown porn by his step dad

[Menwithven1991]

My partner has always had a bit of a weird relationship with his mom and step dad. Irregular visits around once a month for a couple of hours, with no contact in between. DC (7 and 4) have never had a sleepover or been taken out by them. I always thought it was a bit strange because he is an only child, no contact with his dad and only his grandad on his moms side, but DP didn't say why
just that he hated his mom. Fast forward to this year and DPs grandad passed away..very sad, he was a lovely man and they were extremely close.

DP was beside himself and started telling me that when he was 9 or 10 he was on holiday with his mom and step dad, and when his mom went to have a shower/use the toilet, his step dad showed him porn videos and started telling DP what sexual things he had done with DPs mom...fast forward another year or two and partners step dad offered to drop him off at school. Whilst there, he apparently parked up and made inappropriate comments about school girls! Is it just me or is this man disgusting ? I don't want him here at all, around our children or to have any contact with them. DP brought it up with his mom about what had happened and she said "he always used to worry you would end up gay" excusing the behaviour!
What would you do in this situation? I think I'm just really shocked and need a bit of reassurance that I'm not being over board! Of course DC love their nan and I feel guilt about that, but don't want such a toxic person in our life

@Menwithven1991 Listen to your DP. He is struggling with grief over a man he loved and respected, but also with hatred towards another man who is clearly depraved, caused him harm and tried to smear his grandad by alluding that he was the perv, not him.

It may be worth encouraging your dp to seek counselling for these unresolved feelings.

In the mean time, I would absolutely not allow his stepdad anywhere you and your family again, although I understand that can be hard for your dp because of his mum.

To those accusing other pps for blaming the women for the abuse; the stepdad is to blame for the abuse, but as a mother she chose to go along with her dh's narrative of her child being being gay, over his safety and emotional wellbeing. She shrugged off her child's concerns and agaic failed in her duty to care.

No, hang the fuck on. Don't you dare try that fucking shit! Are YOU for fucking real?? People here are bending backwards to make the woman the bad guy but hellloooo....it is the revolting interluding MAN who is to blame. He abused the children when the mother was in the shower so she couldn't fucking hear so don't fucking go and make out the woman is as bad as him!!

So many abuse apologists on this site who think they're as pure as the driven fucking snow!

Firstly, calm down. You are (presumably) a grown up who is entering into a discussion with other grown ups. Your overblown reaction to having your opinion challenged is ridiculous, frankly.

Secondly, you are misrepresenting the comments that have been made. Perhaps you don't understand them or perhaps you are doing this deliberately. I don't know. But it is disgraceful to label people "abuse apologists" (especially when actually this is exactly what you are doing yourself since the mother you are defending in this scenario was also abusive at worst, grossly negligent at best).

People have been very clear in their condemnation of the stepfather. Nobody is saying that the stepfather was not an abuser. Nobody is blaming the mother for the stepfather's actions. Where did you get this idea? Are you able to actually quote anybody who said this?

People are (rightly!) saying that OP's DP is perfectly entitled to hate his mum, as he says he does, because she failed to protect him from abuse after being told by her child what was going on. That part is on her, 100%. Are you saying that this man doesn't have a right to hold his mother responsible for her inaction? For making him continue to live with his abuser as a child? You have a very skewed idea of a parent's responsibilities to their child if you think that it's in any way acceptable to ignore your child's disclosure of abuse and walk away with a clear conscience.

@GreenBlood - you've obviously had a really bad trigger from this thread and I honestly think you maybe miss-read something. I can't see anyone excusing the abuser.

Many who have posted on this thread are abuse survivors (Inc me) and I can tell you that my mums dismissal and minimisation of my dad's daily sexual assaults on me - because she didn't want to have to get a job or give up her nice house - have actually been more difficult to get over in many ways, than the abuse itself. It's a hard thing when you realise "My mum didn't love me enough to protect me."

As women we grow up with a self image that is based on our mum. When you realise your mum is a shitty person (and mine most definitely is) that can also massively fuck up your sense of self.

You are not going overboard to not allow either of them to see your children again. Your poor DP was abused by his SF and his excuse for a mother allowed it, enabled her husband and then minimised it.

They are radioactive. Protect your family.

Your DH needs support and for you to be his armour from them, he might not want it at the minute but keeping them away is the right thing to do. He could do with a therapist but may not be keen on that either at the moment.

Your DP was abused. It’s no wonder he doesn’t like this man. I would keep him at an extreme distance and only allow DPs mum contact alone at your house when you are there to ensure SD isn’t secretly present since she clearly totally minimised your DPs experience.
How is your DP doing? I’d suggest he seek some counselling. What happened to him absolutely isn’t okay and he is totally justified in feeling angry.

I knew of someone like this who did the same thing (showing porn, saying sexual stuff) to someone close to me as a child. He turned out to be a paedophile.