Why does my DP do this??

[Tiiiiig]

My DP seems to have completely tunnelled vision, I’m not even sure that’s the right way to to explain it.

I will say let’s go to Sainsbury’s shortly to pick up some lunch. He will say ok. Then if I change my mind in any way at all, for instance if I said let’s go out for lunch instead, he would completely cling to the idea of what I’ve originally said. Like we can’t possibly deviate from it.

He does this with lots of things. I might suggest a Chinese takeaway and then later on that day I no longer feel like it. He’s adamant we should have it no matter what. It’s not just to please me though and it can often work in ways when I’m really irritated he can’t just let something go. For example I called on my way home the other day to say goodnight as I was going to be back very late. He literally was like oh ok goodnight! I didn’t mean literally let’s not even have a short chat? I explained this to him and he laughed and said ok. But the whole conversation I could tell he was uncomfortable as he was was thinking ‘this is a goodnight call not a chat.’

This probably sounds really odd and I don’t know how better to explain it! It’s driving me mad

If you told me I was getting a Chinese and changed your mind, I would not be able to accept that, as pps have said, I would be all prepared for that.
I don't know whose way is 'normal' - I'm like your DP, lots of pps say you are absolutely in the right. I do know that if you thought I was being odd when you were the one making my head spin, I don't think it is a relationship that would work, you would have me on edge constantly.

Neurodiversity is normal.

@Hanger0n

It does sound like he has difficulty adjusting to change, which can be a sign of underlying mental health issues. Does he have any other quirks? I'm wondering about undiagnosed Autism or ADHD?

Autism and adhd aren't mental health issues.

As others have said, the question could equally be framed as , "Why do you suggest things and then change your mind at the last minute?" "Why do you not make a decision and stick to it?" "Why do you say you want to do something before you have decided you actually want to do it?"

His rigidity might be frustrating you you but the constantly moving goalposts/changing your mind will be equally frustrating to him because it means he can never take what you've said and make plans around it because you're likely to change your mind at the last minute.

Also, why is your decision the only one that counts? You might have changed your mind but why does he have to fall in with that?

Poor bloke has difficulty 'adjusting' to his complete whim wham of a partner who doesn't say what she means and he's the one with the problem.

I have a family full of AS and ADD persons of different ages.
It is not always easy, but we tend to follow the lead of those who need more reliability when we are together.

Haha - you can totally tell who loves routine on here.

'Have you seen that new dish on the menu? It sounds delicious - it's exactly what you like and have been waiting for'
'No, I'm going to get my usual'
'Why?
'Because it's not the dish I usually have here'

I'm going to try to see it from his point of view for a second though - could it be that you are the one who normally decides what you do and where you both go as a couple? Are you the activity leader? Therefore, he emotionally invests in your plan and is then annoyed when there is no follow through? Does he ever dead your activities or outings?

Are you good at making him enthusiastic about something, and then obviously he finds it infectious so when you drop out of the said plan, he gets disappointed? Could he be changing his plans to accommodate you, but not telling you about it, so he's annoyed when you change maybe? Might not be relevant but just something I was wondering.

How extreme is he? For example, if you have planned to go for a walk with him later on in the day, and then it starts pouring with rain, would he actually insist on going anyway, even though he might not enjoy it very much?

Because that new dish is not the one I usually have here*

lead your activities*

I couldn’t cope with chopping and changing.

We get takeaways about every 6 months so I’d be driving to get one for myself, if you changed your mind!

I would be irritated by your changes to a plan in the examples that you have given, particularly the takeaway one, but not necessarily so that I would rigidly need to follow through with the original.

It’s really hard, from the info you have given, to decide if either one of you is BU. If you chop and change and expect him to go with your choices that’s not fair. But he he can’t be flexible at all then that’s not very easy to manage in a relationship either. Perhaps you are fickle, perhaps he is rigid, perhaps you just aren’t good at communicating with each other and aren’t really suited?

@EarthSight

Haha - you can totally tell who loves routine on here.

'Have you seen that new dish on the menu? It sounds delicious - it's exactly what you like and have been waiting for'
'No, I'm going to get my usual'
'Why?
'Because it's not the dish I usually have here'

I'm going to try to see it from his point of view for a second though - could it be that you are the one who normally decides what you do and where you both go as a couple? Are you the activity leader? Therefore, he emotionally invests in your plan and is then annoyed when there is no follow through? Does he ever dead your activities or outings?

Are you good at making him enthusiastic about something, and then obviously he finds it infectious so when you drop out of the said plan, he gets disappointed? Could he be changing his plans to accommodate you, but not telling you about it, so he's annoyed when you change maybe? Might not be relevant but just something I was wondering.

How extreme is he? For example, if you have planned to go for a walk with him later on in the day, and then it starts pouring with rain, would he actually insist on going anyway, even though he might not enjoy it very much?

I don't know. Personal choices about what one has from the menu is one thing which has no impact on the other person. Changing the menu from one cuisine to a completely different one and expecting another person to just go along with that is very different.