Why does my DP do this??

[Tiiiiig]

My DP seems to have completely tunnelled vision, I’m not even sure that’s the right way to to explain it.

I will say let’s go to Sainsbury’s shortly to pick up some lunch. He will say ok. Then if I change my mind in any way at all, for instance if I said let’s go out for lunch instead, he would completely cling to the idea of what I’ve originally said. Like we can’t possibly deviate from it.

He does this with lots of things. I might suggest a Chinese takeaway and then later on that day I no longer feel like it. He’s adamant we should have it no matter what. It’s not just to please me though and it can often work in ways when I’m really irritated he can’t just let something go. For example I called on my way home the other day to say goodnight as I was going to be back very late. He literally was like oh ok goodnight! I didn’t mean literally let’s not even have a short chat? I explained this to him and he laughed and said ok. But the whole conversation I could tell he was uncomfortable as he was was thinking ‘this is a goodnight call not a chat.’

This probably sounds really odd and I don’t know how better to explain it! It’s driving me mad

I can be like this, literal and struggling with change.

Hmm, I sympathise with him a bit because I’m like that - if someone makes a plan then as far as I’m concerned that’s the plan and it completely throws me if they change it! I’m also reluctant to make firm plans myself as I’ll only say something will happen if I’m very very sure it’ll happen. So if someone says “we’ll get a Chinese takeaway tonight” in my mind that means they definitely want one and I’d start thinking about it, preparing for what I’d order etc. If they then said “actually I don’t want one” I’d find that really confusing - why not just say you weren’t sure what you wanted later?

Potentially ASC?

I sympathise with him too, sounds like you change your mind a lot.

‘My DP changes their mind every two minutes. It makes planning my day really difficult and generally drives me mad’

I like to stick to a plan if it was discussed and settled upon earlier in the day. I dislike chopping and changing for no good reason so I have some sympathy for him on that score.

Ha! My partner is a bit like this but because I know that, I don’t change my mind every five minutes!

@pinkflask

Hmm, I sympathise with him a bit because I’m like that - if someone makes a plan then as far as I’m concerned that’s the plan and it completely throws me if they change it! I’m also reluctant to make firm plans myself as I’ll only say something will happen if I’m very very sure it’ll happen. So if someone says “we’ll get a Chinese takeaway tonight” in my mind that means they definitely want one and I’d start thinking about it, preparing for what I’d order etc. If they then said “actually I don’t want one” I’d find that really confusing - why not just say you weren’t sure what you wanted later?

Yes this is me too. 👆🏻

If you'd told me you wanted a Chinese later and then it got nearer the time and you said you'd changed your mind, I'd be absolutely gutted as I would have probably planned what I wanted and spent far too long thinking about the food.

He does sound quite literal but you also seem quite fickle.

Maybe the question should be- why am I unable make a decision and stick to it?

You're just different people- that's all.

Why are people on mumsnet so nasty? Jesus! Sounds like you have a normal amount of flexibility in your life and thinking.

It's controlling of him to think you can never change your mind. Also it's common for plans to change as you get more information and other things change. Eg not getting takeaway because you've had a big lunch.

How is he with work and this? As often you need to be flexible at work. Is he like this with his own plans?

Some people just don't have much imagination and are rigid in their way of thinking.

Routine is very important for some people and sudden changes can be actually frightening for them.

I know that's hard to grasp when you're naturally spontaneous (I'm like you!) but over the years (especially at work managing people) I've learned to adapt my style to the individual concerned.

Do you ever leave him to make the decisions? Or is it always you saying "let's order a takeaway, let's go to the pub" etc?

My ASD ex husband is like this - any deviations from the plan and he would lose his shit. Sometimes he would forget that the plan had changed and rhat something else had happened and he wouldn’t remember the change and would just report what he thought should have happened. My eldest does this too. I have to be very clear about plans and also build in phrases like “but that might change to xyz so think about that too.”

I would be disappointed with a change of plan after already mentally planning the drive, parking, walking into Sainsbury, deciding what to eat etc etc.

I'd be ordering my Chinese, the disappointment would be too much!

This is DD, she's always been bad at change. It's really frustrating and the cause of many tantrums from her, it also causes strife in friendships, as teens are quite spontaneous/fickle and she gets upset when plans get changed.

I struggle with it and DH gets cross with her sometimes, because she can be quite selfish, if one of us isn't well for example and have to cancel she is always angry.

Have you tried being less fickle? I think that will improve things.

Jesus, some of these replies! The OP has provided two perfectly reasonable examples and she is being branded fickle FFS?!

In the example of the Chinese, there is a difference between saying "oh, that's a shame, I've actually been really looking forward to it" and then taking it from there (like a pair of normal adults) and simply stonewalling any deviation from the plan.

You have my sympathies OP, I couldn't cope with that rigidity of thinking. My DF was like this and it made life stressful and quite miserable at times.

It is not controlling to be irritated when someone changes their mind. If we were talking about control here, I'd say the controlling one is the one who unilaterally changes their mind and expects the other to follow.

But I don't think this is a control issue either way. I have some sympathy with your DP. He does seem to be quite extreme in it, but I also don't like plans changing on the day - understand if there's a practical reason of course, but if it's just someone changing their mind then that's just not fair.

The takeaway example - if my DH suggested a Chinese take away, and I'd agreed, I'd then be looking forward to it all day. If he announced a few hours later he'd changed his mind I would be irritated. In fact I would almost certainly say 'You might have changed your mind, but I haven't changed mine. I'm still having the Chinese take away'.

It sounds as though you change your mind a lot, and you expect your DP to fall in with whatever you want. Combine that him perhaps being at the extreme end of sticking to the plan literally, I can see this will be a problem.

Perhaps you could compromise... he tries to be less rigid, you try to remember that he is allowed to decide what he does (you can't change your own mind and assume someone else will just fall in with it).

It does sound like he has difficulty adjusting to change, which can be a sign of underlying mental health issues. Does he have any other quirks? I'm wondering about undiagnosed Autism or ADHD?

I think it depends on why he is being rigid. There is a difference between wanting to stick with a plan because you thought it was a good plan and you were looking forward to it (in which case you just talk about it, surely, and come to an agreement) and sticking to a plan because Plans Must Not Be Changed (even if the new plan is better) .

See I would find you really difficult to live with.

If you said 'let's eat go to x soon' and the change your mind, I would be really confused. Why suggest it if you are going to quickly change your mind.

And why do we have to change agreed plans because you decided.

If someone mentions Chinese to me and then says 'no I don't want it' I would still be getting my Chinese. If I have been thinking about Chinese, I have planned what I am having and looking forward to it.

And also, when someone says 'I am just calling to say good night' I would assume they meant to say good night. If they wanted a chat I would expect them to say 'I called for a chat before you go to sleep'.

I find it really difficult when people say one thing and then assumes everybody interprets it as something different. Then thinks I am weird because I thought they meant what they said.

Its not really that you are wrong. But a communication problem.

You would drive me up the wall OP.

So what if you don't want a Chinese, your husband might still want one. Did you give him the choice or expect him to fall in with your new decision on what to eat? If you call to say goodnight, I'd expect to be saying goodnight. Maybe he doesn't want a chat?

Love the idea that OP's husband could be neurodiverse but the OP's irritating fickleness and random changes of mind are totally normal.

My dh is like this.

We have one dc diagnosed ASD, and another is on the assessment pathway. During this journey dh has recognised that his uncle was very clearly autistic, and that he himself has strong autistic traits.

It has changed the way we communicate with each other. A statement or suggestion can be interpreted as a plan, and deviating from the plan can be distressing and confusing. So we try to also give reminders that other options may arise, and to decide whether a plan is fixed or flexible.

Sixes I agree with you - why should OP's and other PP's sudden changes of mind be the default 'normal' and OP's DH be the ND or worse abusive (controlling) one.

Just make your mind up!