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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Telling exH you have a new partner

33 replies

SaintVal · 17/07/2021 20:00

I wasn't sure where to post this. ExH and I have DS6 together. He left me nearly 5 years ago (for another woman) and I have been single the whole time ... until now. I've met a lovely man and we're so happy - we used to work together 30 years ago.

Anyway, new man is going to meet DS and we're having a day out - he's not staying over. I just wondered how/when I should tell my ex about this. Obviously DS will mention it. I don't know why I feel so uneasy - I think it's because I've been on my own this whole time and it changes the dynamic and I'm expecting ex to get chippy about it.

I get on fine with ex now but I can't help thinking he likes the fact Im single and that there's no other man in our son's life. It's kind of none of his business but then again it is.

Am I overthinking? I would be interested to hear how others deal with this. Thanks!

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 17/07/2021 20:05

I think it's only courteous to inform the other parent of significant events which impact on the child.

But I'm not sure meeting Mummy's new friend counts as one of them.

Tell him only once you are sure your new man has passed the audition, and will have ore than occasional meetings with DC

Original poster

SaintVal · 17/07/2021 20:07

'Courteous' - yes, that's the word. Thank you!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2021 20:07

I wouldn't be telling him a damn thing. Your son is meeting one of your friends, and you don't need anyone's permission or blessing to do that.

Why you are giving this cheating fuckwit any power or control in your life is beyond me.

Original poster

SaintVal · 17/07/2021 20:09

I hear you @Aquamarine1029 but I like to do things 'right' (even if he didn't!).

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 17/07/2021 22:04

I wouldn't tell him either. It's none of his business. His business is your dc together, as long as your dc is happy and safe that he needs to be concerned with.

I know you feel you need to do the 'right thing' but you also need keep healthy boundaries in place. If you feel you need to tell him then you 'tell him' you're not asking permission, and it's not up for discussion

Bbub · 17/07/2021 22:19

I wouldn't tell him anything. I'm in a similar situation to you and I'd only tell my ex if my new man was coming on holiday with me and DS, or if he we were moving in together.

I honestly don't think it's relevant otherwise. If my ex told me he was going to introduce his new gf to ds I wouldn't give a fuck and I'd probably think he was telling me for attention!

Enjoy your new man and I hope the day out is a success, but any sort of explanation at this point is really not needed

canigooutyet · 17/07/2021 22:26

Even though you have a child together you don't have to tell him anything about anyone you are seeing regardless of who they are to you. Just like nrp's don't have to tell us every detail of their lives.

Other than medical, educational and health issues to do with the child, nothing else has to be shared.

Like if you was going to stay in hospital, you wouldn't have to say the reasons why, just as a heads up in case it impacts the child not having their main carer away. (Plus of course to see if they will have their child during that time) iyswim.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 22:37

I wouldn’t tell him. What do you think he’ll say? What if he’s negative about it? He obviously shouldn’t be but who’s to say he’s not a raging hypocrite.

TacCat49 · 17/07/2021 22:47

Did your ExH tell you about the OW? No i thought not. Don't get to hung up on this. You are a free agent and its entirely up to you whether you tell him or not. Enjoy.

Polmuggle · 17/07/2021 22:58

I really disagree with this. I think if either parent is introducing their child to their gf/bf then you tell the other parent first.

PartridgeFeather · 17/07/2021 23:15

I disagree with pp and think you should just tell him, minimal info. If you think he'll get chippy about it, he probably will. Hypocrites usually do. (My ex went on a 5 day whatsapp rant because I allowed my bf to speak on the phone to dd and I didn't ask permission from him. A year later he then moves his gf into the house permanently and tells dd "don't tell mummy").

"ds will be meeting my bf on x day, deal with it you knobber". (k maybe not the last bit).

Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 23:29

I wouldn’t even tell him. If your son mentions it and he messages then confirm that you are seeing someone.

Is he still with the OW?

Ebony999 · 17/07/2021 23:37

@Polmuggle

I really disagree with this. I think if either parent is introducing their child to their gf/bf then you tell the other parent first.

Absolutely. It wouldn’t be any of the ex’s business if the new man wasn’t ever introduced to the son. However if the new partner will be spending time with their child and potentially increasingly so, of course the other parent should be informed. Saying it’s none of business is frankly an immature attitude. OP, you have the right approach.

PumpkinKlNG · 18/07/2021 00:20

I wouldn’t tell him

Fireflygal · 18/07/2021 03:41

I don't you need to tell him ahead of the meeting - if he wants to get stroppy he may cause issues for you ahead of time and it suggests you ate asking for permission.

Wait for it to happen and then you could text ex to say DS has met my bf.

I would "drop it in" to any other text discussion rather than raise it specifically.

I hope it works out for you.

harverina · 18/07/2021 03:51

No I don’t think you are overthinking things OP. Better to be courteous to your ex I think.

To the posters saying it’s none of his business, would you want to know if your child was meeting your ex’s new partner? Just because he treated her badly 5 years ago doesn’t mean that the OP needs to behave badly towards him now. I also don’t think it’s about the ex having control over the OP - if anything it’s the OP taking control of a situation herself!

That said, you don’t “owe him” anything and I’m not sure you need to tell him in advance. I think a text message would be sufficient to say that you have a partner and that DS has now met them. It’s only right that he knows in case DS brings it up and has any questions.

Original poster

SaintVal · 18/07/2021 06:41

Thanks for all the replies. It doesn't sit well with me not to tell him at all although it's more about how and when I tell him which I'm uneasy about. He's very involved in our son's life so I think when I say we're going out for the day, I'll mention that new man is coming with us too, rather than a standalone conversation which may seem like I'm asking permission, which I'm absolutely not.

For those asking, yes he is still with OW and she's alright. I know it's hard for people to get their heads around it as I was devastated at the time he left but 5 years has passed and although I haven't forgotten what he did, the pain has long gone.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 18/07/2021 06:45

I'd drop him a text and just say "hey, I wanted to give you a heads up that I've met someone. We've been seeing each other for a while now and I'll be introducing DS to him. I wanted to let you know as a courtesy before DS mentions it "

Ohanaa · 18/07/2021 06:51

You are a better women then me op

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 18/07/2021 07:04

I agree with @girlmom21 said, sounds perfect. I also think it’s lovely that you’ve given it consideration in all honesty.
You clearly have DS best interest at heart all the time.

Original poster

SaintVal · 18/07/2021 07:05

He might have been a total shit but I'm not. I think it will be enough just him knowing there's another man about now - he won't like it but he will have to get used to it, just like I had to all those years ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

SaintVal · 18/07/2021 07:06

Thank you @Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx

OP posts:

cakeseeker · 18/07/2021 07:17

Of course you should tell him, especially if he's likely to be snippy.

Better than your son saying it obliviously and having to deal with his dad getting upset, surely.

jelly79 · 18/07/2021 07:46

You sound amazing OP!!

I am in a similar set up and I don't think I would give my ex a specific conversation. If it came up casually in conversation then fine but that's it

Good luck with your new man x

mellongoose · 18/07/2021 07:55

I agree with you OP and I would want to be upfront as well so that DS didn't unwittingly have to be around ExH's reaction when the penny drops.

On how to tell him. What is there to tell at this stage? Meaning how long have you been with new man and are you likely to be moving in soon? If not (yet), I would keep it light and as a courtesy. Conversation short and ended by you.

It's up to OW to deal with his reaction to another man being part of his son's life. If he didn't want that to happen, he shouldn't have cheated.

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