Oh my I can't cope

[AlwaysB]

I'm in a somewhat abusive marriage .

Sometimes he's lovely and other times
he's absolutely vile to me
and he changes like the wind..

I love him so much because when he is nice there is no one that I love more but when he is nasty ...

Fuck. He hates me. And I cannot put a foot wrong and he will
pounce on me with words...

What do i
Do .

You leave.

Nice/nasty is the cycle of abuse - it's not an abusive relationship some of the time, it's abusive all the time upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e4/Cycle_of_Abuse.png

Leave. Seriously, all the niceties in the world do not make up nastiness.

You leave.

He hates you all the time. Especially when he's being 'nice'.

@AlwaysB
This things do not get better only worse, you need to look for the exit, the sooner the better.

Do you have DC. Who owns the property you live in. If it's making you unhappy it isn't worth it.

It's one big head mess .

One minute it's lovely .

The next minute absolutely vile.

I have blocked
Out the nastiness and the only
Way I know it's real is because of how it makes me feel. I could little down and cry for a week. I say to myself " if you loved me you would not treat me like this ".

It's such a messed up situation and my poor children. We have two.

I don't work at the moment as I have quite severe mental health issues. So my husband pays for everything.

It's just a mess .

There's no such thing as a 'somewhat abusive marriage' OP.

There are abusive marriages and non-abusive marriages. You are in an abusive one.

As you've recognised, this is bound to have an impact on your kids and you feel bad for that. The longer you stay together, the more likely it is that they will end up in a similar relationship dynamic as adults. How would that make you feel?

Let that fuel your resolve to leave the relationship.

As PP said, he holds you in contempt all the time. He just chooses to be 'nice' (act nice) to you to keep you hooked and persuade you it's not so bad.

But it is. Because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You leave immediately, your mental health will improve, you will become stronger after getting help and you will live a much better life. Make some headway now and see what you can do to leave, get support from family and friends and see if they have somewhere you can stay whilst you get back on your feet.

Tou are in a fully abusive relationship.

No abuser us nasty 24/7. Otherwise we would be less likely to stay. Thats why it's called 'the cycle of abuse'.

Be aware that the 'nice' him is just a mak he wears to help him fuck with your head. I'm sorry, but it's not real.

You are right, he hates you. But he is a vile creature who only knows hate, anger, jealousy, spite and cruelty.

Get yourself out.

Never a truer word Umbrellatheweatha..

No abuser us nasty 24/7. Otherwise we would be less likely to stay. Thats why it's called 'the cycle of abuse'

Come on OP ... try and think logically.. if someone was a complete shit ALL the time .. you would NEVER ha e had a second date !!

As for the money thing ? YOU are in a STRONG position ! You are MARRIED which means you START a financial settlement at 50/50 and then go from there... with the financial scales tipping towards the one that looks after the children ...

Yet there to a family lawyer with as much info of his salary , savings property investments that you can find..

HE is about to have a wake up call and YOUR mental health will unsurprisingly take a turn for the better.

On the front foot OP.. we will be behind you EVERY step of the way if you want..

Step 1... find a family lawyer who does a free 30 minute assessment of your situation.. do it Monday and report back. We will tell you step 2 !
xxx

Your mental health will almost certainly improve when you get out of this marriage. He is abusive. When he is being nice, he knows what he's doing, and it is all a part of his control of you.

Please seek help IRL / speak to a solicitor / get as much support as you need here, and get out for the sake of you and your DC.

But he says it's me. Always me.

For the way I put things in the cupboard to the way I speak to the children to the way I behave after one glass of wine.

It's always me.

Then. He gives me a kiss. Then spits . In my face. But that's my make up and the taste of it he said. Can you imagine if I spat in his face.

He treats me with such contempt. Everything is always on his terms .

Then he cooks me a beautiful steak . With all the trimmings .

And this is just tonight .

I would not want to stay, virtually shackled, to someone with such mood changes. I have seen what that can do to other people.

When I started reading your first post, I really hoped this was a guy with whom you had no children, maybe didn't live with him.

It is far more complicated when you have an established relationship with home and children.

Go and see a professional, work out your finances and 'rights'. I hope you have family/friends who will give you moral support if your partner is difficult. I presume, and hope, you have talked to him about this when he is in a good mood, and expressed how he makes you feel when he isn't. He does need to know, there are some people who have to work on their personalities and modify behaviours, sometimes it is successful, sometimes not.

Living apart may be achievable and ultimately amicable.

Get to work on it, make a plan.

Good luck.

He kissed you then spat in your face. Oh OP I can't express how sad this has made me. It's your whole relationship in a nutshell, don't you see?

He's a cunt. Your MH is terrible because of him.
Please leave him.
It's not you, I promise.

Stop listening to what he says. It is designed to drive you mad. He is engaging in psychological warfare with you.

Speak with womens aid. Find out what benefits you are entitled to. And get out of there, fast.

This has been going on for a long long time.

Years

☹️

How long have you been together?

Please believe there is a way out. It never gets better and if you leave your recovery will start.

Almost twenty years but it's really only been about the last ten that it's changed .

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

And it will only stop when you decide to walk away from him. He is never going to become a decent human being.

But you will regain your sanity in time if you leave him. And peace, freedom, self respect, self love and clarity with regards to wtf went on all these years.

But if you stay, you'll spend forever wondering why he treats you this way. And why you stay and let it continue.

Start taking steps. Save yourself. You can do it.

You owe it to your children to get out of this mess. He is abusing you. He is an abuser.. you know that.
You are exposing them to this. This is not a good example of a healthy relationship.

LTB and do it quickly.
There isn't any more time to waste on this and you need to show your DC that a person will not submit to a bully and an abuser, because they could copy their father's behaviour- or yours.

He says it's you - you promise to change, to never do whatever random thing he's angry about again, and you don't do it. Next time, it's something else. There's always a next time. The goal posts change. Their "standards" change. It isn't you, it's him.

Do you really want your son or daughter repeating this in their adult lives? That's why I left. Seven years ago now and very happy, life is good.

But he says it's me. Always me.
He’s a liar and a cunt. It’s all him. He chooses to say these things and do these things. You cannot win: no matter how much you try to do whatever it is he says, or try to change yourself or make yourself smaller, he’ll still behave this way.

Thank you for all the support and kind words. It means so much.

I've been posting on here for a long time. Change user names regularly.

It helps me as well so that I know that what has happened is real and did take place. Over the years my mind seems to have blocked out the bad things that have happened and I genuinely ' forget'. By writing it down it makes it real.

Take just now . I went downstairs to get a drink and we've not spoken since we had dinner and he just went ' hmmmmm' and uttered something under his breath inaudible as I walked past.

Ordinarily I would forget this just like I forget all the other stuff. Until the next time.

But boy does it hurt. So so much .