Online affair - please help

[LittleMermaidRose]

I'm feeling all sorts of emotions, I'm so upset, happy, excited, disgusted. I'm so confused and have been in a complete mix up. I feel like I'm having an online affair. I've been with my current partner, who I love dearly, for almost 10 years. I have made such a big mistake here and I don't know how I let it happen.

I've done something really stupid - I started chatting with a random man (I'll call him Joe) online through Instagram. He lives in a different country, is quite a bit older than me, has his own life/kids etc.

The only reason I started chatting to him was because I have just recently went through a friend breakup, which has been really hard on me emotionally. It was nice to make a new friend, it felt as though I was filling that void.
I hadn't ever intended on making a new friend - I actually gave a fake name, age and location, so he has no idea who I really am.

This only started three weeks ago, but I think I have fallen for him. I don't know how it has happened as we hardly know each other.
Even though nothing sexual has happened, and our conversations have been on a very superficial level, I feel like I'm cheating on my partner. I feel so guilty, but I don't want to lose this new friend I've made.

I also want to tell Joe who I really am, because I actually really like him and want to have him as a friend, but I feel like I'm way too deep into this lie I've created. I don't think he will want to stay friends with me. I don't even know why I told the lies in the first place!!

I know the easiest thing to do would probably be just to block Joe and move on with my life, but I just find that so hard to do.
I'm just feeling so confused and upset. I don't even know why I started these lies.
I know I'm grieving my lost friendship with my old friend, but I just feel like my emotions are just out of control. This is all I can think about.

I'm sorry, this is more of a rant. Has any one else been in a similar situation? I just feel like such an awful person, I've done so much wrong in such a short amount of time. I really don't want to tell my partner. I just don't understand how I've become so invested with Joe so suddenly.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you just want to tell me how terrible I am. Maybe I just need to give my head a shake.

You're having an emotional affair. Block him.

Honestly, the only thing you can do is step away from Joe completely. If you’ve lied to him about who you are, how do you know he hasn’t done exactly the same?
Work out what this relationship was giving you that you must have needed, and find another way to fill that space, preferably with DH.

You've become invested because you were feeling emotionally vulnerable, and you actively went looking for an emotional crutch.

Joe lives in your imagination. That's all. You know nothing real about him, he knows nothing real about you.

End it. Let yourself grieve properly over your lost friendship.
Never speak of it again

Joe might be Susan catfishing as well.
Block. Move on.

Thank you.
I haven't been able to stop crying all morning. I think the reality is setting in.
I would never hurt my partner intentionally, I am so happy with him, but I can see how much damage this could cause. I feel awful for what I have done, I don't know what came over me.

I'm also crying for selfish reasons. I know that I'm going to have to now lose Joe as a friend. I've grown so attached so quickly, I don't know why. I feel sad that I'm losing another friend, and terrible for lying to him in the first place also. I'm trying to decide if I should tell him the truth.

I really don't know how I've managed to create such a mess. I never ever imagined I could do something like this.

Also - I am not looking for sympathy here at all, but this has started to affect me in other ways too.

I've been so stressed that I've struggled to do basic household tasks. The dishes and washing are piling up. I check my phone constantly for new messages, it's all I can think about.

I don't know what to do

What makes you think you even know him? You lied. Why assume he didn't? He could be anyone, anywhere. He may be working up to a health crisis that needs £££.
And Instagram? That platform for those who want to show the reality of their lives? Really?

You're indulging a fantasy.

You aren't describing love. You're describing infatuation. Perhaps obsession.

This is odd. It’s been three weeks. Why did you set up a fake profile in the first place?

You are right. But I don't know how to get over it

You are not having an emotional affair. You have a crush on an imaginary person. To me it sounds like you are looking for closeness with someone, maybe trying to replace your friend? How are things with your husband? Don't be so hard on yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

It was an account that I had already had, it was going to be a business page. There is nothing on it, no photos or anything. I didn't go out of my way to set it up or anything.

But I had followed some travel pages on there and had a few people follow me and vice versa. That's how we began chatting, and I just gave false information from there because I wasn't expecting anything to come from it

So prior to this you had a fake profile already on Instagram ?

@LittleMermaidRose

You are right. But I don't know how to get over it

You delete Instagram and you take a good look at yourself. You said grieving the loss of an old friend and that's probably part of it but you need to find something real not fall into this fantasy.

You’ve become fixated on the idea of Joe in your head, with your imagination filling the gaps and turning him into an ideal fantasy friend or more. Chances are he bears 10% resemblance at most to the guy you think he is.

What’s do you feel is missing in either yourself or your relationship that you have to overcompensate in this way? Identify that and work on it.

So far as telling Joe the truth, all you have to say is something like “sorry, I’m letting social media take up far too much of my time, I’m going to take a step back and focus on my real life. It’s been great chatting with you, take care in the future” and then block so you aren’t tempted to seek him out again the next time you’re stressed or your relationship is feeling a bit flat.

Could it be that you are mixing the emotions you had from your friendship loss to this Joe? Did you actually process that at the time or did you substitute joe for the friend? Could it not be possible that in fact you are grieving your friend rather than this Joe?

You were/are very vulnerable and needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge. That's ok, but you need a counsellor, delete insta and find help in real life look after yourself

What you do is delete the account. Just do it.

If you think you can love someone you've never met after 3 weeks, you don't know what love is.

How old are you? Just block him and move on.

It's not a romantic novel.

I've been in a similar position as you, replacing the loss of one person with another. Deleting Instagram was the best thing I did. You'll feel loss for a while but you'll slowly begin to fill that space with things that matter, like DH. You're causing more damage to yourself mentally by going on like this

Look up limerance, I think that's what this is; an infatuation. If you love your partner, work at your relationship and delete Instagram. You won't be the first or last person to go through this, but it's not real

Okay, I had a similar experience a long time ago. I was very young, 14, and got chatting in a chat room to a guy. It was a mess as he was married and his wife was expecting a baby (and he knew I was 14, by the way), so although I'm not proud of my own involvement, it was a very complicated situation. His wife was probably on Mumsnet 15 years ago when she kicked him out after finding out about us.....! Anyway.....

It's very easy to "fall in love" online. It feels so overwhelming because you can project all your wildest, most perfect fantasies onto this "avatar"/photo/written text. IT. IS. NOT. REAL. Sorry for the caps, but seriously, you are just projecting some perfect life onto Joe, and he's doing the same on to you (clearly, as he has no idea who you are), and that's why it's so powerful and all-consuming. I remember the obsession, the happiness, I mean I was a teenager but I can imagine the same happening now.

But you need to accept this and just block and move on. First, you have a partner you say you love dearly. If that's true, there's no excuse. At 3 weeks, you can just about step away with your head held high that nothing untoward has happened. Presumably you've not exchanged any "I love yous", "let's meet up", "I can't imagine not talking to you every day". You need to block now because once that happens, then you've betrayed your partner and you're in for a whole new world of pain...

You also say you want to tell Joe who you are because you want him as a friend. I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. A few lines before, you said you're falling for him.

You cannot be friends with this person.

Just block, move on, forgive yourself for getting so caught up, explore what's missing in your own life (excitement, novelty, flirting, being admired...) and find other ways to create that without betraying your partner.

I get how difficult this is, but if you don't do it now, things will go too far and I imagine you will regret it forever.

How old are you, OP?

What you are describing is so over the top that I am wondering if your hormones may be adding to your feelings about the situation.
Not sure what a friend breakup is - did you disagree? Is there really no way to resolve your differences in an adult way?
But regardless - you are clearly emotional and vulnerable, so your mind seems to be finding ways of dealing with it.

Joe isn’t real. You aren’t having an online affair. It’s redirection of your emotions and distraction.
Maybe see a counsellor?

Thank you for all the replies.
No it's not a fake account that I made, it was a separate account that I already, which I had intended to use as a business page but never got round to it.

I haven't processed the loss of my friend yet. She was a dear friend for over 20 years, but over the past year I've realised just how toxic she actually is. I've had to let her go for my own mental health, which has been really tough.

As for Joe, I don't love him, not do I want an intimate relationship with him. For some reason I just don't want to let him go, I don't want him to be another friend for me to grieve.

Sorry for my ramblings. I haven't been sleeping or eating properly the past week. I don't know how or why I've fallen in so deep here, or how to get out. I've been crying every day, I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I don't think my partner would actually care too much if I was chatting to someone online, as he has online friends too. It's the fact that I'm just feeling so many emotions over this atm, I don't know how I feel

Look up limerance

Was waiting for someone to suggest this.