Online affair - please help

[LittleMermaidRose]

I'm feeling all sorts of emotions, I'm so upset, happy, excited, disgusted. I'm so confused and have been in a complete mix up. I feel like I'm having an online affair. I've been with my current partner, who I love dearly, for almost 10 years. I have made such a big mistake here and I don't know how I let it happen.

I've done something really stupid - I started chatting with a random man (I'll call him Joe) online through Instagram. He lives in a different country, is quite a bit older than me, has his own life/kids etc.

The only reason I started chatting to him was because I have just recently went through a friend breakup, which has been really hard on me emotionally. It was nice to make a new friend, it felt as though I was filling that void.
I hadn't ever intended on making a new friend - I actually gave a fake name, age and location, so he has no idea who I really am.

This only started three weeks ago, but I think I have fallen for him. I don't know how it has happened as we hardly know each other.
Even though nothing sexual has happened, and our conversations have been on a very superficial level, I feel like I'm cheating on my partner. I feel so guilty, but I don't want to lose this new friend I've made.

I also want to tell Joe who I really am, because I actually really like him and want to have him as a friend, but I feel like I'm way too deep into this lie I've created. I don't think he will want to stay friends with me. I don't even know why I told the lies in the first place!!

I know the easiest thing to do would probably be just to block Joe and move on with my life, but I just find that so hard to do.
I'm just feeling so confused and upset. I don't even know why I started these lies.
I know I'm grieving my lost friendship with my old friend, but I just feel like my emotions are just out of control. This is all I can think about.

I'm sorry, this is more of a rant. Has any one else been in a similar situation? I just feel like such an awful person, I've done so much wrong in such a short amount of time. I really don't want to tell my partner. I just don't understand how I've become so invested with Joe so suddenly.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, even if you just want to tell me how terrible I am. Maybe I just need to give my head a shake.

@LittleMermaidRose

Thank you. I haven't been able to stop crying all morning. I think the reality is setting in. I would never hurt my partner intentionally, I am so happy with him, but I can see how much damage this could cause. I feel awful for what I have done, I don't know what came over me.

I'm also crying for selfish reasons. I know that I'm going to have to now lose Joe as a friend. I've grown so attached so quickly, I don't know why. I feel sad that I'm losing another friend, and terrible for lying to him in the first place also. I'm trying to decide if I should tell him the truth.

I really don't know how I've managed to create such a mess. I never ever imagined I could do something like this.

It would be the same if you had a rebound relationship or started something up, it's easy to get attached because your feelings etc are vulnerable. You have only chatted for 3 weeks and you have kept your real info confidential, try to see it as talking to someone about your problems online, which okay, he wasn't an actual proper agony aunt, but sometimes talking to a stranger can feel good or better. Like another poster said, try to look at what it is that maybe your partner could give you that you felt this guy did. Has your partner been there for you since the loss of your friend? Do you feel you can talk to him about these things?

@chocolateshreddies

Look up limerance, I think that's what this is; an infatuation. If you love your partner, work at your relationship and delete Instagram. You won't be the first or last person to go through this, but it's not real

Wondered how long it would be for someone to suggest this lol. Using this (made up word) for what is essentially a fantasy, gives it far more power than it has and suggests that the person "limerancing" is forever enslaved to it. Which is of course a load of bollocks.

Joe may well be lying too but we don't know that for sure. If he's genuine and just being a friend then it would be cruel to just stop messaging him, he may worry about what's happened to you. Can you not just confess about the lies and apologise to him? It's anonymous anyway since he doesn't know who you really are. If he turns nasty then fair enough, go ahead and block him.

You've been chatting to a stranger for three weeks and you are weeping, unable to maintain basic household tasks and obsessively checking your phone? Something's not right here. Whatever it is, keeping contact with this person is not going to fix it.

One possibility is that you should take this as a sign that you are very vulnerable right now, and you need the support of your real friends, family and partner - not to latch onto a stranger who you don't really know anything about.

But as this is all happened so quickly and intensely, you should also consider the possibility that you're being deliberately played, by someone who spotted someone vulnerable and has been purposefully manipulating you. 'Romance scams' are becoming more and more common with people being taken for a ride emotionally and financially.

Either way, I think you should block him and focus on your real relationships. It will become easier the second you are no longer waiting for a message from him.

@Sargass0

All words are made up.

Limerance is just a big, long crush. Giving it a name doesn't add to or detract from its power.

I have talked to him about the problems with my friend so he knows what's going on in that sense. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression due to a family illness that I haven't dealt with well. So I think it's all combining.

I haven't chatted to Joe about any of my problems, we've only really just been getting to know each other and talking about random things.

I had a similar thing happen to me when I was 15. I had an online relationship with a man in his late 20's, and although he was single himself, it wasn't right and it affected me a lot at the time.
I wonder if I'm experiencing the same feelings now. I'm in my 20's though so I don't really think I can blame it on hormones.

I want to thank you all for your responses. I've had a really hard day, but I'm starting to come to terms with what I'm feeling more and more.
Some of you just know exactly what to say to make me think.

I would like to mention that there has been no romantic desires from Joe, purely friendship. I'm having mixed feelings myself - but I think the word "crush" describes it perfectly.