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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lying husband

50 replies

Catgirl92 · 16/07/2021 22:33

What would people do about a husband who lies compulsively.

He lies about small things and bigger things.
In the past few months hea lied about having Dinner at his mums when I'm at work- I couldn't care less if he eats there but when he's asked me to make a dinner so he just needs to heat it, and then tells me they've eaten it but it's still in the fridge I know he's lying.

Who he's spending time with- I've recently found out he's been seeing his ex on occasions when he's told me he's been out on his own. If I ask for a rough idea when he's coming home he will say an hour for example.and stay out 4-5 hours and claim he lost track.of time. We all know the difference between 1 and 5 hours surely?

Working late- he always claims to be working late- this happens frequently, I have to drive past his work on my way home.and the site will be locked despite him saying he's working, you can see the gate from the road.

He won't discuss things, says I have a good imagination or I remembered incorrectly. Claims I'm disillusioned.

Honestly at the stage I don't know if we can make.things work, his answer to everything.is either whatever or if you say so.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2021 22:37

Leave him.

Sounds like he's not only lying, but up to no good, and why would you continue to live like that?

Melitza · 16/07/2021 22:39

I couldn't live with someone like that.
I'd plan to leave but not without giving him a taste of his own medicine.
Start telling him blatant lies and stick to them.

Pegsonstrings · 16/07/2021 22:45

Oh gosh what a nice chap. He is very disrespectful to you. And is also gaslighting you which is rather abusive.
Why do you accept so little for yourself?

I use to be in such hopeless relationships and very abusive too until one day I just realised my worth and kicked the ex out as he was constantly lying as well as other things.

Stop asking him where he has been and look at his actions as they speak volumes.

ladygoingGaga · 16/07/2021 22:45

You are describing an abusive individual, deliberate behaviour. He needs to stop or you need to leave.

Tells you that you remembered incorrectly - sounds like he is gas lighting you.

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2021 22:46

Where is he if not at work?

TheFoundations · 16/07/2021 22:47

Yes or no question for you, OP. What's the first answer that comes into your head:

Do you want this relationship?

Original poster
Catgirl92 · 16/07/2021 22:47

This week we went out for the day with out little one. Early afternoon he started saying he had a headache. We cut the day short to come home as soon as we got in he was like dinner then I'm.off out on my motorbike. When I questioned the bad headache he.said well headaches get better. Told me he'd be an hour as needed to walk the dogs but instead stayed out until.the early hours at a pub.

Also Told me he gave our daughter cheese on toast last weekend for lunch when I was at work, but we had no bread, apparently I imagined using the last 2 peices of.bread and asking him to go to the shop to get some!

I've considered leaving so many times.but feel trapped in his Web of.lies. he makes me think I'm.going crazy and that he will.make sure he gets full custody of.our daughter

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 16/07/2021 22:49

You're not trapped in anything. He's simply talking bollocks and you're going along with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2021 22:49

Your husband is a pathological liar and there is no fixing this. FFS, just leave him. Your life will be nothing but misery if you stay with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2021 22:50

@TheFoundations

You're not trapped in anything. He's simply talking bollocks and you're going along with it.
This is 100% true. At this point, knowing exactly who he is, you are choosing to live this way.
category12 · 16/07/2021 22:57

There's no such thing as "full custody" in the UK for a start.

Residency is usually agreed between the parents, or by mediation, or finally by the courts. He can't just say you're mad and get "full custody". He says crap like that to scare you.

Who does most of the childcare? I bet it's you.

HollowTalk · 16/07/2021 23:05

Make the decision tonight: this relationship has ended. He's a lying gaslighting cheat and you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Catgirl92 · 16/07/2021 23:07

@category12

There's no such thing as "full custody" in the UK for a start.

Residency is usually agreed between the parents, or by mediation, or finally by the courts. He can't just say you're mad and get "full custody". He says crap like that to scare you.

Who does most of the childcare? I bet it's you.

I work 3 days a week and alternative weekends. So I look after little one 2.days mid week and eveyother weekend and the mornings before my weekend shifts as he goes out.. I do all the pick ups from.child care except 1 a fortnight when he collects her. He does 2 drops a fortnight at childcare i do the other 4. My hours at work are worked around childcare. I've been back at work since Feb. If ever Time off is needed for little one I always have to ask my work apparenlty "its different for men and they can't take time off for childcare problems or sick children"
OP posts:
user27424799642256 · 16/07/2021 23:14

Yeh, he's abusing you. Threatening to take the child if you leave is classic abuse.

So are you going to choose to leave?

category12 · 16/07/2021 23:35

So you're primary carer.

Love, he's just trying to scare you. It doesn't sound like he'd even want to have your child fulltime, realistically.

It's purely to get you to shut up and suck it up.

LtDansleg · 16/07/2021 23:39

So he lied about feeding your child bread when you didn’t have any? So he basically didn’t feed your dd and made something up when you asked him?

Original poster
Catgirl92 · 16/07/2021 23:48

@LtDansleg

So he lied about feeding your child bread when you didn’t have any? So he basically didn’t feed your dd and made something up when you asked him?
The more likely scenario is that...he'd been.out all day doing his own thing so she had been with his mum, or they had been at his mums together, but rather than be honest he'd rather make something up and then try and make.me think I'm crazy
OP posts:
ThatsNicePet · 16/07/2021 23:57

My husband and I split taking time off for sick kids etc 50/50, of course men take time off for childcare.

He really doesn’t sound nice. What would you tell your DD if she was grown up and married to him?

ThatsNicePet · 16/07/2021 23:57

^^married to a man LIKE him, of course I meant

CandyLeBonBon · 16/07/2021 23:58

Bin him off. They don't change. Lying is like breathing for these types.

Onthedunes · 17/07/2021 00:03

Lying is a very destructive force, that used over a sustained period of time will definitely cause you to lose your mind.

Get away from him.
So much hard work just listening to the bollocks and trying to put some logic into life to make it half understandable.

Bamboozle shit city.
Otherwise known as abuse.

OzziePopPop · 17/07/2021 00:09

Lying is my absolute line, complete dealbreaker for me. I just can’t abide it. I’m autistic so perhaps a slightly extreme reaction but I couldn’t tolerate this.

He won’t get (or want) ‘full custody’. They never do in reality.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2021 00:14

A man like your husband wanting full custody? Haha! That's laughable. Don't be fooled by yet another one of his lies.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 17/07/2021 05:07

He really couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it. He is definitely gaslighting you which in itself is abuse. How can you ever trust anything he says.
He will not get full custody, absolutely.. You need to make a diary with all the things he does and lies about. Courts recognize all forms of abuse, it’s always a good idea to have these things in black and white should it be needed. If you want things to change then you need to be the one to change them. Life is too short to be dealing with this shit aside from the fact he’s a horrible role model for your dd who will see that lying and manipulating are perfectly normal. Not good!!

Amandasummers · 17/07/2021 06:29

Some people do feel the need to just pointlessly lie. My ‘D’p is the same, there wouldn’t an issue with the truth but he will lie anyway and it’s really weird. It’s like a need. Control? Lying so they can control what you know and what you don’t? He told me he was working at a job once and I asked how it was going etc throughout the day and he responded as though he was there but he’s actually gone on a long drive to collect a car for a friend, no problem with that so why pretend you were somewhere rather than just saying oh I ended up doing xyz? Really odd and drives me mad. Like he will always text me at 3/4 on a Friday and say he’s just got to the pub but he got there at 1, what’s the point??? It’s like a compulsion