Lying husband

[Catgirl92]

What would people do about a husband who lies compulsively.

He lies about small things and bigger things.
In the past few months hea lied about having Dinner at his mums when I'm at work- I couldn't care less if he eats there but when he's asked me to make a dinner so he just needs to heat it, and then tells me they've eaten it but it's still in the fridge I know he's lying.

Who he's spending time with- I've recently found out he's been seeing his ex on occasions when he's told me he's been out on his own. If I ask for a rough idea when he's coming home he will say an hour for example.and stay out 4-5 hours and claim he lost track.of time. We all know the difference between 1 and 5 hours surely?

Working late- he always claims to be working late- this happens frequently, I have to drive past his work on my way home.and the site will be locked despite him saying he's working, you can see the gate from the road.

He won't discuss things, says I have a good imagination or I remembered incorrectly. Claims I'm disillusioned.

Honestly at the stage I don't know if we can make.things work, his answer to everything.is either whatever or if you say so.

The wording drives me mad to, I’ll ask if he’s at the pub, instead of saying yes he will say “I’ve had to come and see so and so” (at the pub) why not just say yes?!!!

I couldn't live like this as I expect you are second guessing everything he says.

If you want to leave, then leave, doesn't really matter how much he tries to lie his way out of it, you don't even need to give him a reason, just tell him you can't live with him any longer and you're leaving.

On what basis does he think he would get custody? As pp have explained, that isn't even an option. And from what you've said, if you aren't around he runs to his mum so she can look after your DC. I can't think for a minute he would want to take on any more responsibility than he has to. So push that threat out of your mind (and it is just a threat he uses to keep you in line).

He lies. He lies to cover up poor behaviour. You can't trust him. He thinks men don't have the same responsibilty for children as women (!!)

He sounds massively disrespectful and lazy. You will be so much better off without him.

The more likely scenario is that...he'd been.out all day doing his own thing so she had been with his mum, or they had been at his mums together, but rather than be honest he'd rather make something up and then try and make.me think I'm crazy

Gaslighting, which is what this is, is a form of emotional abuse.

You are in an abusive relationship - it's not just that he lies a bit or something, it's properly abusive.

@category12

The more likely scenario is that...he'd been.out all day doing his own thing so she had been with his mum, or they had been at his mums together, but rather than be honest he'd rather make something up and then try and make.me think I'm crazy

Gaslighting, which is what this is, is a form of emotional abuse.

You are in an abusive relationship - it's not just that he lies a bit or something, it's properly abusive.

A few close friends have said this to me. His family make it feel like it's the other way round. Apparently I shouldn't need to know what he's doing, I have no reason to ask, the say that I'm just trying to be controlling, say that I'm a narcissist. He went out yesterday at 11 and came home gone 6. Said he would be out "a few hours "when he left. Everything gets turnt on me and made to be my fault or me looking for an argument.

You need to hold on to your own reality and trust yourself. You know you're not what they say you are.

Of course his family are going to support him, it's in their interests, and it's probably from them that he learned the behaviours in the first place.

You might find it helpful to journal (privately) about what is happening. It's a good strategy for keeping your sense of reality in a situation where you are constantly being told black is white and you're always wrong.

Ultimately though, you need to get out of the relationship.

Christ, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong in the end, it's just a toxic mess that is making you miserable and confused. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.

You are right.

Your husband is wrong.
His parents are wrong.

That is all you need to know, now hold onto that thought and act accordingly.

These people do not have your best interests at heart, they are selfish, you can't change them or get them to see the error of their ways the only thing you can do is put a stop to it and now allow them to be in your life.

Leave him . My DH tells little lies and erodes your trust in anything they say.
When the resentment kicks in it’s over.

Apparently I shouldn't need to know what he's doing, I have no reason to ask, the say that I'm just trying to be controlling, say that I'm a narcissist. He went out yesterday at 11 and came home gone 6. Said he would be out "a few hours "when he left. Everything gets turnt on me and made to be my fault or me looking for an argument

My ex was like this. He also said I was controlling. Had me believing that and all his other lies.
I am not controlling. I believe in people in relationships having their own friends and own interests and being able to pursue those BUT along with that goes the responsibility and respect to be open and honest about how long someone is going to be out, if they'll be back for a meal...
It makes a big difference whether someone is going to be away an hour or 5 hours. My ex would constantly say he'd be an hour and he'd be back to eat together - then the time would tick on and on and no sign. I'd end up eating on my own late. He'd show up - usually drunk and shout at me for being controlling.
It was absolute hell. For 5 years.
It's taken me 2 years to recover.
My self-esteem hit rock bottom.

The only way is to ditch him and move on. Once someone starts lying like that all the time there is no way out - it won't improve.
My ex was lying about where he was - turned out he was very often in a brothel or trying (unsuccessfully) to pull other women in bars and at parties.

Then they blame everything on you and you feel like complete and utter shit so it's really hard to get out of the relationship.

He’s lying to you.
He’s lying about seeing his ex.
What are his good points that make you stay ?

He is gaslighting you.

Can you afford legal advice? Do you own your home?

Is he having an affair?

You need to leave him

Honestly just leave, he’ll never change. The few people I’ve known who compulsively lie like this I’ve also privately diagnosed as being psychopaths (ie meeting the clinical threshold based on the list of characteristics).

He doesn’t respect reality or truth, let alone you, and he has no belief in the importance of values or a moral code. So you can’t inhabit a shared reality and you don’t have a basic understanding of trust between you. He will fuck you over very badly (if he hasn’t already done so) if not now then in the future.

People like this can be addictive – they manipulate and create highs and lows, drawing you in and out, and often seek out excitement and stimulation. But it’s ultimately pretty boring and hollow – there’s no depth there. Also, there are plenty of men out there who are fun and exciting but are not like this.

With a bit of distance you will be very glad you removed this weirdo from your life.

Biscoffbiscou: sorry to hear you went through similar. Yes I have no issue with us both having our own interest and friends but like you say I do think there should be the respect to agree how long you will be, and sometimes you will run late not a problem but we all know the difference between 1 and 5 hours! Myself esteem has been rock bottom for a while, which is why I think more and more I need to leave.
Nanny0gg- I can afford legal advice, we own the house jointly, have a number of years left on the mortgage. Neither of us could take on the mortgage on our own. He isn't having an affair to my knowledge.

Biscoffbiscou- the highs and lows describe things perfectly often with no in-between. Things are either really good and we are getting on well or I'm feeling like I'm walking on egg shells. Afraid that anything I say may be misinterpreted and doubting everything that's going on around me.

Things definitely not improving. Catching him on more and more lies and speaking to other women. He's Contining to say he won't settle for less than 50% custody of daughter and that he has justification to get it, because j went out with friends 1 evening and left him.witj daughter

Well you know he's talking a load of old bollocks because his lips are moving.

You went out 1 evening with friends so that entitles him to 50:50 custody 🙄 the man is deluded as well as a liar. From the way you have described his lifestyle he wouldn't 't want it anyway.
He just trying to frightening you into not rocking the boat and disrupting his lifestyle.

He's dumber than a box of rocks!

Yes apparently I'm a bad parent because I stayed out until 11pm. He forgets I've only been out socially 3 times since daughter was born, he goes out to the pub once a week after work, goes on an all day motorbike ride on his weekend off and goes to a fortnightly bike meet.

Oh come on, OP.

Stop picking over what this idiot says. You must realise, surely, that he doesn't care about you, and he doesn't care about your DC. He says he'll get 'custody' to scare you. He has 0 intention of taking responsibility for a child he probably didn't want in the first place.

Leave him. He can cuddle up to his motorbike.

He's saying he wants 50% to have control over you, to make you stay. He thinks you won't leave. It's all typical abusive behaviour, straight from the handbook.

My ex said the same, I responded with 'fantastic, I can see my friends more, have more time for my hobby, even further my career' needless to say, once he realised that he couldn't use that against me and he'd actually have to parent and give up his free time he soon changed. He sees her eow now at best.

Ignore his threats, start to put everything in place to leave, see a solicitor and leave his cheating arse

Don't entertain his nonsense, you'll get the children for the majority of the time. You don't need evidence but personally I'd want some just for my own peace of mind. I'd snoop his messages and photos and if he has an iPhone, I'd use FindiPhone to find out where he is when he says he's working late.

What a nasty arse he is. You know he's never going to change, so I'd get away from him.
If he threatens custody just nod and say OK. He's a prick.

I have screen shots of him being an bike meets with his ex and messages telling me he's just out riding with "a random person he met" I have screen shots from when he was caught on an online dating site within the past year. I have a voice recording of a conversation we had where he openly admitted to giving little one milk despite her having a milk allergy as he doesn't belive shes allergic- (delayed reactions)

Good, now get advice and leave! Don't dwell on anything else he says. Hope it goes well for you.

@Catgirl92

Things definitely not improving. Catching him on more and more lies and speaking to other women. He's Contining to say he won't settle for less than 50% custody of daughter and that he has justification to get it, because j went out with friends 1 evening and left him.witj daughter

God he sounds like a fucking idiot as well as a wanker!