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Original poster

Found out partner has cheated on me using escorts!

41 replies

Tink22 · 16/07/2021 13:46

Hi,
I’m looking for some advice…big time.

I’ve found out my bf has seen a few escorts - saw messages on his phone. The last time was in December last year according to the texts.

How do I handle this? He doesn’t know I know yet.

Thing is, we foster children and we have two amazing ones with us right now we’re hoping to adopt them. We’re going through the adoption process right now and if we split it could jeopardise the whole thing.

Any advice gratefully received x

OP posts:
Lakeshore6 · 16/07/2021 13:50

You splitting wouldn’t jeopardise the whole thing.

He already has.

I’m so sorry that you’ve learnt this news, but I think you know deep down that his behaviour has proved your relationship isn’t strong enough to do this.

It is beyond me how a man can be this scummy.

username18702 · 16/07/2021 13:51

Make an appointment for an STD test as soon as you can.

Call the adoption place and ask about adopting as a single person. OP you can't continue a relationship with someone who regularly visits prostitutes. He's not going to stop.

Blanca87 · 16/07/2021 13:51

You can still adopt as a single person. He has put you health at risk, lied, using family money to exploit a sex worker. I really couldn’t stay with someone that had done all that. Yuk.

girlmom21 · 16/07/2021 13:53

I personally would ask him to leave and continue the adoption process alone.

Divineswirls · 16/07/2021 13:53

Do you foster girls ?

Umberellatheweatha · 16/07/2021 13:53

Sorry you're going through this op!
First things first, see your go about an sti test.

Secondly, and I'm sorry but, a man who sees escorts has no place adopting children. He has no problem taking advantage if vulnerable women and thinks its ok to pay to exploit them.

Are your foster kids girls?

That aside, he is a filthy cheat. A liar. A mysoginist. And a fraud.

I would see about turfing him out. And talk about fostering as a solo parent with the relevant people.

Overdon · 16/07/2021 15:01

Sorry OP. Flowers

Also, I hate to say it but the texts maybe the tip of the iceberg, he may also have a burner phone. That is how a colleague of mine found out her partner was ‘punting’, sometimes they have to call for appointment rather rather than text, her ex used escort agencies/ Adult work.

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2021 15:21

Please tell me you mean ex boyfriend
There’s only one option here

justfuckoffthelottayer · 16/07/2021 15:21

Oh that is awful thing is if you really want to adopt this girls and not mess up their chances they would have been through everything with a fine tooth comb already and to go from a safe 2 partner home to a single parent just split up is not the same I don't know what to suggest but would be inclined to put the children first and seek advice from professionals but without revealing anything. The last thing you or the kids need is for them to be put in care or something which maybe is unlikely and ridiculous but if there is a risk of that I don't know

NotaCoolMum · 16/07/2021 16:29

Similar happened to me with my Ex- I found loads of dodgy messages from Craigslist… I took screenshots of everything then literally started packing boxes and had left the loser in less than 2 weeks. Never looked back.

leakymcleakleak · 16/07/2021 16:32

You cannot let him adopt children with a vulnerable background now you know this about him. you just can't. Imagine he is prosecuted in future and they find out about it, never mind what it says about what he thinks about women. you can't be responsible for that.

Honestly OP, the only thing you can do is plan to leave him and see if you can be approved as a single adopter.

gillysSong · 16/07/2021 16:36

First of all you can't trust him.
He's put your health at risk
Used family money for prostitutes.
Shouldn't be allowed to foster, totally immoral.
Pack his stuff and throw them into the garden, or put up with a man who uses prostitutes.
I know what I'd do.

gillysSong · 16/07/2021 16:40

You can't put adopted children through this, and I'll give you the fact you will be shocked, but those children have been through enough.
Will you just put up with him cheating, the children will find out they aren't stupid.
I'm sorry but if you continue lying you are as bad as him and being an adopted person myself I would resent both of you, as equally bad.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/07/2021 16:44

Now all the pearl clutching is out of the way. Would you be happy going ahead with the adoption process with someone who doesn't share your views on monogamy?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/07/2021 17:12

What on earth do you mean @EvenMoreFuriousVexation?

It's not pearl clutching to think that men who think consent can be bought and are happy to run the risk they are paying to shag vulnerable, abused or trafficked women aren't suitable candidates to adopt.

I'm adopted. Adopted kids go through enough without being put into a home where an adult pays for sex behind the another adult's back repeatedly. Adopted kids need stability to thrive, whether that means with a single parent (like OP could apply do adopt as) or another stable set up e.g a couple.

Someone having an open relationship both parties know about etc is totally different to someone paying for sex repeatedly and recently. It's not pearl clutching to think the latter kind of person is not a sensible candidate to adopt children, who are more likely to be vulnerable.

LtDansleg · 16/07/2021 17:16

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Now all the pearl clutching is out of the way. Would you be happy going ahead with the adoption process with someone who doesn't share your views on monogamy?
How the fuck is it pearl clutching? The mans shagging prostitutes behind his wife’s back. He’s not fit to foster or adopt children. This relationship is already doomed. The kids can’t be put through that
Umberellatheweatha · 16/07/2021 17:35

You also need to think of the fact that if you did stay with him until the adoption went through and broke up later, he would then have access to these children alone. Your job I'd to protect these kids op. Whether you are fostering them or adopting. You need to remove toxic people from their lives as and when they show themselves to be that way.

DismantledKing · 16/07/2021 17:42

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Now all the pearl clutching is out of the way. Would you be happy going ahead with the adoption process with someone who doesn't share your views on monogamy?
Don’t be so fucking ridiculous
Naunet · 16/07/2021 18:24

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Now all the pearl clutching is out of the way. Would you be happy going ahead with the adoption process with someone who doesn't share your views on monogamy?
Wow. Imagine being such a dick pandered, you think a man cheating on his partner by paying vulnerable prostitutes, is perfectly ok and anyone objecting is a pearl clutcher. I don’t know if I should laugh at you or cry for you!
Graphista · 16/07/2021 19:36

I would hope this fact would come to light in the checks that are being done for his suitability to foster/adopt and I would hope it would rule him out completely!

You cannot buy consent.

I couldn't have anything to do with anyone of his mentality. I find it deeply concerning that he's a foster parent too.

@youvegottenminuteslynn very well said!

gillysSong · 16/07/2021 19:46

Pearl clutching?
To put the needs of adopted children first, I've heard it all now. FWIW had I gone to a couple like this, they became my parents and I learned what a lie their relationship was, do you think that would have been best, or very confusing for an already broken child.

FaceyRomford · 16/07/2021 22:29

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Now all the pearl clutching is out of the way. Would you be happy going ahead with the adoption process with someone who doesn't share your views on monogamy?
Forget it, Even. Nobody on MN is going to take this line. On MN, monogamy rules.
Shellady · 16/07/2021 22:57

@FaceyRomford

Nothing at all to do with people thinking ‘monogamy rules ‘ as you say
I personally couldn’t give a shit if people choose to be polygamous if BOTH partners consent
However being a mysogynistic who thinks buying consent is ok is completely different
Men who use prostitutes are scum simple as that
They hate women and think women are commodities to be traded
Anyone who defends this or calls objecting to it ‘pearl clutching ‘ needs to look at their values more closely

Graphista · 16/07/2021 22:59

Is it fuck about monogamy! I and many other mners are open minded about genuinely non monogamous relationships - where there is true consent from all.

The use of prostitutes is deeply concerning from a perspective of misogyny, the idea that consent can be bought, the fact that prostitutes aren't women who have a true choice in how they lead there lives and may well be trafficked and otherwise under the control of usually another man and may even not be women at all but girls!

I'm not sure how fostering rules work but is op supposed to report this?

Crikeyalmighty · 16/07/2021 23:01

@FaceyRomford. If you don’t want monogamy that’s fine— provided the other person is fully aware of this and knows the score and is still happy to be with you — problem it seems lots of people think monogamy only applies to their partner- not themselves

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