Found out partner has cheated on me using escorts!

[Tink22]

Hi,
I’m looking for some advice…big time.

I’ve found out my bf has seen a few escorts - saw messages on his phone. The last time was in December last year according to the texts.

How do I handle this? He doesn’t know I know yet.

Thing is, we foster children and we have two amazing ones with us right now we’re hoping to adopt them. We’re going through the adoption process right now and if we split it could jeopardise the whole thing.

Any advice gratefully received x

I really would try and adopt in your name only otherwise he will be in there/your lives forever

How do you handle this?

You pack his bags and put them outside. You cannot possibly keep this from the adoption authority/agency. You are proposing adopting children who have already had a difficult start in life: to knowingly put them in the care of someone who feels this kind of conduct is acceptable would be wrong. I suspect you know that already,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this awful situation through no fault of your own but you have to put the interests of these children first.
First things first, he’s out. Then, disclose to the authority/agency and let things take their course.

Formerly worked in social services, and various mental health projects aimed at young people (some in care). Being a single applicant for adoption does not stop you applying. As for your partner, you have had sound advice here. He is a safeguarding risk as has no boundaries around other humans. He accepts prostitution...a modern form of slavery. His money goes to fund other activity harmful to communities like drugs. Many prostitutes find themselves doing sex work to fund a habit. He has put you at risk of infection. If he used protection he can still be a public health risk in pandemic times, and HPV knows no bounds in terms of contraceptives. You must work hard as a foster carer. He uses family income to buy sex. Get yourself checked out for STD and chuck him out.

Go for it by yourself @Tink22 . The kids know you so I imagine the adoption's likely to go through.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation It's one thing to be ok with a partner shagging other people when you've agreed too it and know about it (OP didn't.)

It's another thing entirely to have a partner that shags prostitutes. Disgusting. And in my experience, it means he might be up to all sorts of other things. As dirty sex behind OP's back is clearly a big priority for him.

disclose to the authority/agency and let things take their course.

@MrsSkylerWhite @Tink22 I woldn't disclose any of the details and you're under no obligation to. Just tell them you're applying by yourself now @Tink22 .

Agencies/services etc can be weird. If you told them you had a partner who shagged prostitutes they may make assumptions like you make poor relationship choices etc (when in fact it wasn't your fault, just one of those things.) A friend is having issues with social services so I know how they can work.

Thanks everyone. He’s gone. I told him to leave last night. There was a lot of ‘sorry’ and ‘won’t happen again’, but I can’t ever trust that and the fact it was escorts means I really can’t ever trust him. He’s no example to young people. He should be a role model to them and he’s clearly not. I wonder how his mum and sister would feel knowing what he’s done. I can’t even tell my family.

I’m going it alone for the adoption. Financially I may not be suitable, but I’m giving it all I have.

@MrsSkylerWhite Thank you. I do feel I may be judged if I let them know. I’ll have a think as to what to do regarding that.

Well done for kicking him out, he's a disgusting POS, you & the DC are better off without him

Agencies/services etc can be weird. If you told them you had a partner who shagged prostitutes they may make assumptions like you make poor relationship choices etc

Obviously it’s up to you op, but I would look at it a completely different way if you told me about it.

I would think you were someone who was going to immediately and correctly safeguard your dc, even if it was the hard thing to do. And that you would put honesty and their needs first when it mattered, even if you thought it was going to cost you their adoption.

Also I would think that you were someone with excellent personal and relationship boundaries.

Forget it, Even. Nobody on MN is going to take this line. On MN, monogamy rules.

You are opposing PPs for a view that they don't actually hold. I never understand why people do this. It's so bizarre. Unless you have been unable to understand the comments perhaps?

For clarity (as if enough people haven't already spelled it out really, really clearly) it's nothing at all to do with monogamy. Open relationships are fine when both partners consent up front - not by deception and exposing an unwitting partner to STDs, and certainly not by spending family money on sex workers. But far, far more importantly than the fact he was unfaithful, this man does not care about consent and thinks that paying for the use of a (statistically very likely vulnerable) woman's body is acceptable. Misogynistic men who abuse women like this have no business adopting vulnerable children.

Tell your family op. It's not your shame and you need support.

Good luck with your adoption. I think many men don't consider it to be being unfaithful if they have (paid for) sex with a stranger. Very strange mentality. One young woman I once befriended who was living on the streets provided prostitution as a way to fund her drug habit. She declined any help to get clean of the drugs and said she preferred to selling sex rather than stealing from shops or cars to get money. Its a sad and complex world that we live in. I truly hope that you are still able to adopt and provide these children with a loving, stable home.

@Tink22 you did the right thing — big hugs x. You would never trust him again.

@Tink22 There's no reason for you to tell adoption services you had a partner living with the children, who was using prostitutes. There's no need for them to know that as he's out of the picture and his having done that is not something they need to know. I hope you can see that they might see it as you might 'let' blokes like that live with the children (even though you didn't know, and got rid of him when you found out, it still happened.)

Give some reason for splitting up that wouldn't particularly make them think much at all, like he was unfaithful.

I'm not saying any of this is right/fair, but some social workers etc do think this way when deciding who children should be placed with etc.

Strange how @FaceyRomford hasn’t come back to explain why buying prostitutes is simply not being ‘ monogamous ‘

You did the right thing OP

Good for you. I think escorts is one of the lose hard lines, if someone is buying escorts/prostitutes that isn't something that you can work on. Bringing vulnerable children into it makes it even worse.. but even without them it's bad enough.

Congrats on being strong and doing the right thing.

This happened to me, although not the adoption but so I appprichaite things are more tricky for you op.
My lifexwas ruined by a loving man who told me lies about prostitutes. He still sees them now we are divorced. I'm sorry this has happened to you, its a soul crushing feeling but you will recover from it, and find a better life for yourself. Well done on being so brave. Your future self will thank you for it x