Realising my childhood wasn’t that great

[Penguininabag]

On a whim, a couple of weeks ago, I downloaded The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. My kids are DD who’s 5 and has a disability and SEN, and DS who is almost 3. I feel like I have a good relationship with them, but thought it is always good to try to work on things.

The first chapter is about looking at your own childhood to understand why some behaviours in your children might trigger negative responses from you. I’ve read it a few times now, and it’s sunk in a bit, but it’s brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings from my own childhood that have upset me a bit if I’m honest. But I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to almost blame some of the things I don’t like about myself on how I was brought up… I feel like I need to speak to a professional, but I don’t know who, or if they’d just laugh at me! I need some (gentle!) advice, I’m feeling fragile…

My dad is very charismatic and interesting, he’s great at charming people, and in a situation that he is comfortable in he can be funny, engaging, good value etc… but he also bitches about people behind their back, and at home he can get very moody and sarcastic. He blames other people for their misfortune… if he found out someone had skin cancer he’d say “well, it’s all that sunbathing she did”. Sometimes for no reason he’ll be sulky, and often when something goes wrong (TV not working properly, something spilt on the floor) he’ll rage, and as kids we had to stay out of his way and it kind of felt like it was our fault.

He doesn’t like to go out of his way to help anyone, or have anything sprung on him. When my nana (his mum) was dying he acted pissed off with her for needing his help or support. After the doctor told her she was going to die he went “well, you’re 82, you’ve had a good run, got a lovely grandchild, never mind!” They had a complicated relationship, but he could be extremely cold to her.

When we were kids he would pinch our cheeks really hard, like extremely painfully. He did it to my mum too, she knew how painful it was, but she never stopped him. I keep thinking about this and it makes me want to cry. My DM is shy, anxious, and passive. She rarely stands up to him, she admits she goes along with him for an easy life. He criticises her cooking (a bit dry, maybe less salt next time, not one of your best, etc), but when he cooks we have to praise and thank him multiple times. He gives gifts generously, but needs a lot of thanks for it. As kids, at Christmas, they would give us loads of presents then immediately call us spoiled. There were lots of little digs (spoiled, bossy, etc).

He dictates everything. At weekends we would do things that were not particularly kid friendly, but be expected to behave very well. E.g. go around the shops for a few hours every Saturday, but quietly, just following parents around, no messing around or playing or anything. Something I wouldn’t expect my kids to do, because they’re kids and I know they’d behave like kids!

As children we were often felt to feel guilty, disappointed in, wrong, or shame. I remember being told off a lot and not really knowing what I’d done wrong. And I remember being told off for stuff that I now know is just normal kid stuff, e.g. spilling a drink.

He’s told me he doesn’t like me before. That’s not something you really forget from your parent is it?

Now as an adult I can see traits of my dad in me. I can get easily stressed, I find it hard to adapt to changes, I can’t take criticism, and I can have angry outbursts (mainly aimed at DH). I am also patient and empathetic with my children. I want the relationships in our family to be based on mutual respect for each other. I don’t want to be anything like him. But I feel like I’m carrying around this anger and hurt inside me. I’ve always felt like I’m not a happy person, even as a child. But I want to feel content, and I don’t want to feel so angry all the time.

I don’t know where to start, I just feel overwhelmed because I always thought my childhood was perfectly lovely. Thank you if you’ve got this far. I don’t know what to do to feel better.

I understand what you’re saying. I see myself becoming more like my DF as I get older, and I see his faults and hate them. I don’t want to be like that, but it seems that I can’t stop it. And I do try.

I’m currently reading When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress which delves into these kind of childhoods which we think were great but they actually were not. It’s made me look at the way I am and how it comes from my childhood.

I haven’t finished it yet but looking ahead the last couple of chapters seem to be about healing from past hurts.

I certainly don’t think I need to see a therapist but I could do some work on myself to change some of my behaviours.

Disclaimer: maybe don’t read it if you have health anxiety as it concentrates on adult illnesses which stem from childhood experiences.

I have read that book too. My childhood wasn't great but wasn't terrible terrible, I resonate with a lot of what you have said but mine is more to do with my mother's behaviour (although my dad is no angel). You can only do your best for your children and try to break the cycle, so it's a good thing you have acknowledged these issues and emotions.

You wouldn't be laughed at when speaking to a professional. It's definitely worth speaking to someone to work through these things if you want to. I myself am considering doing the same and have had some counselling in the past which I found beneficial but I should have some more sessions.

Sometimes just writing these things out can help too, when I have a lot of emotions coming up I sometimes write everything down to get it out my head! Hope you're OK OP.

I’d better not read this, I have horrific emotional memories, a cousin who beat the crap out of me after an argument he was the golden child.

I can totally relate to the realisation that your childhood wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was! I used to think I was very lucky and had the perfect childhood as we had lots of money and I got taken on holiday every year, although later discovered the cost of this was my workaholic single mum who I always respected for working so hard but she sent me to a childminder at 5 weeks old to go back to work full time, worked away a lot and was very much absent and emotionally distant apart from the lovely holiday once a year.

For me these feelings surfaced when I had my own children as I realised how much time and attention they need to thrive and how I just didn’t get that. I think you can’t change your parents but you have to see the positive and learn from their mistakes like it sounds you are doing. The great thing is you’re aware of this as a lot of people continue the cycle of abuse or neglect without realising what’s happening. It sounds like maybe your dads behaviour stemmed from his own childhood as he didn’t sound very warm towards his mum.

@Jorja02

I can totally relate to the realisation that your childhood wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was! I used to think I was very lucky and had the perfect childhood as we had lots of money and I got taken on holiday every year, although later discovered the cost of this was my workaholic single mum who I always respected for working so hard but she sent me to a childminder at 5 weeks old to go back to work full time, worked away a lot and was very much absent and emotionally distant apart from the lovely holiday once a year.

For me these feelings surfaced when I had my own children as I realised how much time and attention they need to thrive and how I just didn’t get that. I think you can’t change your parents but you have to see the positive and learn from their mistakes like it sounds you are doing. The great thing is you’re aware of this as a lot of people continue the cycle of abuse or neglect without realising what’s happening. It sounds like maybe your dads behaviour stemmed from his own childhood as he didn’t sound very warm towards his mum.

I agree with this.

I haven't read the book but when I had my kids I found that memories and experiences from my childhood came crashing over me in waves.

I found it all quite overwhelming. Things I hadn't though about it years or memories I didn't even know I had, or things that I do remember, just suddenly seeing them in a very different light.

I can see a lot of things my parents did "wrong". But they were doing their best and thought they were doing the right thing.

They focused on different things to me. A lot of it probably as we are all products of our own time, so I can't really judge them for that. Although what this pp said about her mum being very emotionally absent did resonate with me. But that's just my mum and I don't think she will ever change, she is in her 70s now. I feel sad for her, but also sad for her, particularly me as a little girl.

I am trying my best for my kids but no doubt I am getting it wrong as well. And that is something that worries me but ultimately all anyone can do is their best.

My childhood (and my two brothers) was rubbish. My parents were very wealthy, so we were materialistically spoiled, but that was it. There was zero love and affection, no compassion and most importantly, no acknowledgement that we were children and not 'little adults' - no allowance was made for any childish mistakes.

My mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday, and by God, she meant it. No idea what I'd done/said, but it was probably something stupid...because I was 11! She ascribed adult motivations to all our actions.

My two brothers and myself broke the cycle by not having children ourselves. I never ever wanted any, thanks to my childhood. My mother has such limited inner thoughts or self-knowledge that she's never made the connection...

I understand where you are coming from, I see traits of my mother in me at times and she had us walking on eggshells as kids due to her narcissistic/Jezebel spirit personality. I’ve been listening to a lot about this on you tube recently. It’s helpful to know that we are not alone and to think it through, even get counselling if you think it will help. This is all Eve things can pass down families and I know my mother and father were both seriously damaged by their own parents. Recognising it is half the battle. For me forgiving them and also distancing myself a bit has been necessary for my mental health too.
Good luck OP. You won’t be the same as your dad because you are facing it. your own childhood wounds will become less painful in time too as you work through them.

Sorry a huge chunk of my above post just got erased.
As people have said, your dad was most likely damaged by his upbringing. You are breaking that cycle and examining your thoughts, emotions and actions and that can only be a good thing.

I am trying my best for my kids but no doubt I am getting it wrong as well. And that is something that worries me but ultimately all anyone can do is their best

I worry about this too, but we really only can do our best ( as my old mum would say!). I know I am getting some things badly wrong, due to my own life circumstances which are extremely challenging. But I get a lot right too. My parents got some things right (some better than I am managing) and some things, IMO, wrong.

We can't expect perfection of ourselves and our kids won't have a perfect childhood. They'll have a messy mixed childhood with messy mixed parenting from flawed (flawsome!), learning-on-the-job parents and grow into messy mixed adulthood.

Am I understanding this right? You 'blame' your parents for some of your traits as that is what you saw/experienced growing up? Well in that case why can't your parents be the way they are because of the way THEY were brought up? It goes back ad infinitum doesn't it?

@stillcrazyafterall

Am I understanding this right? You 'blame' your parents for some of your traits as that is what you saw/experienced growing up? Well in that case why can't your parents be the way they are because of the way THEY were brought up? It goes back ad infinitum doesn't it?

But surely, they could have done what the OP is trying to do. Recognised this was not a good way to parent and do better?

It wasn't until inhad my own kids I actually realised just how messed up my family is/was. I was never under illusions we were normal, but even still. Lockdown and distance between my parents and I has really opened my eyes to my parents behaviour. I particular my dad. My mum was awful and I always kind of blamed her. Now I'm older and I've seen the kind of father DH is, I am growing increasingly pissed off with a lot of things my dad did. I am also thinking his shitty behaviour contributed to my mum's behaviour.

@stillcrazyafterall It may well do, but that's not a fucking justifiable excuse! My mother had that attitude - "I suffered, so why shouldn't you?" Err, because maybe you want to be better? You want your children to love you and be happy? You don't fucking have children if all you care about is getting 'revenge/payback' on your own parents/grandparents/greatgrandparents.

Otherwise, where does it end?

There's a book called "It didn't start with you" that works through childhood trauma.

My mother was cold and emotionally distant, I cannot ever recall any affection, praise or kind comments. I try hard to be different. I'm sure though I will fuck my children up in new and unique ways instead.

You have insight now, that will break the cycle. You are aware and looking our for it. That's how I cope (badly damaged by my childhood). I do still make the odd mistake because it's a lifelong legacy in some ways (I've had to accept that), but I try to learn from every mistake - oh and I own up to them as well. I apologise to my kids when I get it wrong.

I tried counselling to work through it but it was too painful and I couldn't do it. So i work through it in my own head at my own pace instead.

Do you have much to do with him? I would go low contact. arrange to see your mum without him if you can.

That’s exactly it @stillcrazyafterall. The author talks about a chain that goes back through the generations, and each parent-child relationship is a link. And how you can re-form your link (relationship with your kids), and pass on the good stuff your parents gave you while trying not to pass on the less good stuff. I think for me, I wasn’t given the tools as a child to resolve conflict or express anger in a healthy way, because I don’t feel like my parents were good role models in that respect.

I definitely do think my dad had a difficult relationship with his mum that affected him deeply.

Thank you all so much for the comments, and I’m sorry to those of you who’ve struggled with this. I’m going to have a proper read of them when the kids are in bed.

I found Running on Empty by Jonice Webb very helpful when looking at my own childhood and realising actually, things were not as ok as I thought they were.

Lots of therapists specialise in this area. Find someone who works with relational trauma and make sure they’re a member of BACP or UKCP. It can be a big shock to get your head around and you definitely wouldn’t be laughed at.

I am trying my best for my kids but no doubt I am getting it wrong as well. And that is something that worries me but ultimately all anyone can do is their best.

I think it would be better if we could all accept this, but it's very hard, both to accept that our parents are people and therefore inevitably flawed - and therefore they may actually have been doing their best, even if it wasn't always very good - and to accept that we will have some detrimental effects on our children (and hopefully lots of positive ones too) because we're flawed people too.

On MN if someone posts about their mother's less than perfect parenting in 1981 they are given lots of sympathy and almost always told that this was abusive. If they post saying that they are objectively parenting very poorly now but explaining that they have depression or are in a very bad relationship etc they are also given lots of sympathy and reassured that this will do their child no harm. The difference is that in the both cases most posters identify with the OP, but in the first case that's the child and in the second it's the OP. The brutal truth is that we might damage our children even if we're doing our best and even if there's a really good reason for it if our best isn't great. But at the same time we have to recognise that everyone has some hang-ups from their childhood - which isn't to minimise the very different impact of an abusive one - and that having some psychological damage is part of the human condition. We aren't going to be the first generation to raise perfect humans and that's fine.

Ooof. A lot of what is going on with me now can no doubt be traced back to trauma bonding and enmeshment. I'm going to order both books and make sure I have lots of tissues and a drink by my side.

OP I get exactly where you are coming from. If it helps at all you are doing amazingly by (a) recognising the pattern (b) identifying your own faults and (c) consciously deciding to do better for your children. It won't always feel like that but that is so, so positive. As a PP said a lot of people feel "well it was like that for me so I'm not going to do anything different for my children".

I had quite a privileged childhood but I was the scapegoat child and felt like a perpetual disappointment to my parents. I've ended up doing well in life and they actually seem put out about that because I've proved them wrong.

I've been fucked up by it and often angry and upset (less so these days) but I've tried to channel my energy into being a better parent to my children. The number one thing I want them to feel is that I'm ALWAYS on their team.

During a lockdown conversation my 16 was asking about my teenage years and I was quite honest (tried to present it in a lighthearted way, not doom and gloom) and he remarked "wow mum you are so much more supportive of me than your parents were of you" and I thought "YESSSSS!" It's moments like that that make me feel like I am actually a decent worthwhile human being after all.

We can't expect perfection of ourselves and our kids won't have a perfect childhood. They'll have a messy mixed childhood with messy mixed parenting from flawed (flawsome!), learning-on-the-job parents and grow into messy mixed adulthood.
Well said!

This really resonates with me- I think I need to read that book. My parents both put their children first in most ways, but were not good at dealing with any conflict. I think this probably stems from the fact that Dad's parents always favoured his younger sister and would ignore/cut off anyone who disagreed with them about anything and Mum was expected to put herself last and be parent/housekeeper for her Dad and siblings when her mum died. The result seemed to be that rather than deal with conflict/bad behaviour in our family they pretended that it was not happening or excused it away. For example, my older brother would become violent if he was asked to do anything or challenged about his behaviour. So he was not asked to do anything and some pretty terrible behaviour was overlooked/minimised. When he was violent towards me I was told that I provoked him and/or that this was just normal sibling rivalry. Including being kicked and hit by him repeatedly when I was 14 and he was 19. If I objected to being expected to help around the house whilst he sat being waited on I was made to feel guilty for making things harder for my parents. When I have mentioned any of this as an adult they are adamant that it never happened (even when I related specific dates and times of violent behaviour). They blame me for not supporting him as an adult when I cut contact due to his abusive behaviour.

Yet despite all this, until I had children of my own I would have said I had a very good upbringing- always supported in my education, taken on holiday, nice house etc. Now that I have DC I find myself acting in ways that remind me of my parents (eg. asking my more sensible child to give in to the more badly behaved child to avoid a meltdown/scene).

I started therapy a couple of years ago to explore feelings around one of my children's additional needs. I also found being a parent brought up a totally different perspective on my childhood.

I found therapy incredibly helpful (although very painful). I now understand my parents limitations more and can adjust my own expectations and boundaries.

You're not alone in this

I have that book. Very relatable response OP. Personally I found talking about things with a counsellor made them worse, I felt the sessions put me emotionally and mentally out of control and the following week was awful, I felt left with no solution or closure. I have done better with eft and kinesiology and other "woo" therapies which are more about feeling your emotions internally and physically and focusing on (metaphysical?) healing.

Remember none of this was your fault, and now you're becoming more aware of things you want to change in the moment, the greater your opportunity to slowly become more of the person you want to be.