Realising my childhood wasn’t that great

[Penguininabag]

On a whim, a couple of weeks ago, I downloaded The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. My kids are DD who’s 5 and has a disability and SEN, and DS who is almost 3. I feel like I have a good relationship with them, but thought it is always good to try to work on things.

The first chapter is about looking at your own childhood to understand why some behaviours in your children might trigger negative responses from you. I’ve read it a few times now, and it’s sunk in a bit, but it’s brought up a lot of thoughts and feelings from my own childhood that have upset me a bit if I’m honest. But I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to almost blame some of the things I don’t like about myself on how I was brought up… I feel like I need to speak to a professional, but I don’t know who, or if they’d just laugh at me! I need some (gentle!) advice, I’m feeling fragile…

My dad is very charismatic and interesting, he’s great at charming people, and in a situation that he is comfortable in he can be funny, engaging, good value etc… but he also bitches about people behind their back, and at home he can get very moody and sarcastic. He blames other people for their misfortune… if he found out someone had skin cancer he’d say “well, it’s all that sunbathing she did”. Sometimes for no reason he’ll be sulky, and often when something goes wrong (TV not working properly, something spilt on the floor) he’ll rage, and as kids we had to stay out of his way and it kind of felt like it was our fault.

He doesn’t like to go out of his way to help anyone, or have anything sprung on him. When my nana (his mum) was dying he acted pissed off with her for needing his help or support. After the doctor told her she was going to die he went “well, you’re 82, you’ve had a good run, got a lovely grandchild, never mind!” They had a complicated relationship, but he could be extremely cold to her.

When we were kids he would pinch our cheeks really hard, like extremely painfully. He did it to my mum too, she knew how painful it was, but she never stopped him. I keep thinking about this and it makes me want to cry. My DM is shy, anxious, and passive. She rarely stands up to him, she admits she goes along with him for an easy life. He criticises her cooking (a bit dry, maybe less salt next time, not one of your best, etc), but when he cooks we have to praise and thank him multiple times. He gives gifts generously, but needs a lot of thanks for it. As kids, at Christmas, they would give us loads of presents then immediately call us spoiled. There were lots of little digs (spoiled, bossy, etc).

He dictates everything. At weekends we would do things that were not particularly kid friendly, but be expected to behave very well. E.g. go around the shops for a few hours every Saturday, but quietly, just following parents around, no messing around or playing or anything. Something I wouldn’t expect my kids to do, because they’re kids and I know they’d behave like kids!

As children we were often felt to feel guilty, disappointed in, wrong, or shame. I remember being told off a lot and not really knowing what I’d done wrong. And I remember being told off for stuff that I now know is just normal kid stuff, e.g. spilling a drink.

He’s told me he doesn’t like me before. That’s not something you really forget from your parent is it?

Now as an adult I can see traits of my dad in me. I can get easily stressed, I find it hard to adapt to changes, I can’t take criticism, and I can have angry outbursts (mainly aimed at DH). I am also patient and empathetic with my children. I want the relationships in our family to be based on mutual respect for each other. I don’t want to be anything like him. But I feel like I’m carrying around this anger and hurt inside me. I’ve always felt like I’m not a happy person, even as a child. But I want to feel content, and I don’t want to feel so angry all the time.

I don’t know where to start, I just feel overwhelmed because I always thought my childhood was perfectly lovely. Thank you if you’ve got this far. I don’t know what to do to feel better.

@Hardbackwriter

I am trying my best for my kids but no doubt I am getting it wrong as well. And that is something that worries me but ultimately all anyone can do is their best.

I think it would be better if we could all accept this, but it's very hard, both to accept that our parents are people and therefore inevitably flawed - and therefore they may actually have been doing their best, even if it wasn't always very good - and to accept that we will have some detrimental effects on our children (and hopefully lots of positive ones too) because we're flawed people too.

On MN if someone posts about their mother's less than perfect parenting in 1981 they are given lots of sympathy and almost always told that this was abusive. If they post saying that they are objectively parenting very poorly now but explaining that they have depression or are in a very bad relationship etc they are also given lots of sympathy and reassured that this will do their child no harm. The difference is that in the both cases most posters identify with the OP, but in the first case that's the child and in the second it's the OP. The brutal truth is that we might damage our children even if we're doing our best and even if there's a really good reason for it if our best isn't great. But at the same time we have to recognise that everyone has some hang-ups from their childhood - which isn't to minimise the very different impact of an abusive one - and that having some psychological damage is part of the human condition. We aren't going to be the first generation to raise perfect humans and that's fine.

👏👏

Separate 'fault' from 'responsibility'. It's the faults in your dad that have left you with your less welcome bits. You've made that link. But it's not your fault.

It's your responsibility to fix.

The angry bit inside you is the child who didn't get listened to. She's still in there, within you, climbing the walls because nobody listens. Sometimes she has a full blown tantrum, and you can't stop her. That's when you have an angry outburst. Think about what it is that your husband does that makes you have an outburst; is it that he's not listening to you? Is it that he's pissed off with you and you're not sure why? I's bet you my piano that it's when he does something in a way that's similar to your dad.

And what to do? Listen to your anger. If you approach this by trying to quiet the anger down, trying to stop it bothering you... well, that's just more silencing of that frustrated little girl. You're doing to yourself what your dad did to you. Listen to her. When you get angry, she's yelling that you are crossing one of her boundaries, or allowing somebody else to. Work out what your trigger is, with the anger. That's a part of you that you haven't acknowledged or allowed to show. At some point, with a bit of practice, you'll be able to say to your husband something like 'D'you know, Bob, when you interrupt me 5 times in a row like that, it makes me feel like you don't give a toss about listening to me.' If Bob's any good, he'll stop, because he won't want to keep upsetting you.

Does your husband usually listen to you? Respect your opinions? Support you?

I’m guessing you feel quite discombobulated? I started counselling back in November to try to work through how I feel about myself and my behaviours in relationships. I’ve always thought I had a loving, secure upbringing, albeit with a controlling, alcoholic dad and self-contained mum. I knew those things about them already but I had NO clue about the depths of which that has affected who I am and the way I do things. I knew no different growing up, and therein lies what the issues are. You accept your family life as ‘normal’ and it’s really uncomfortable and difficult to realise the reality is that one/both parents weren’t as kind and loving as you think they were… you didn’t know any different.

This thread is exactly the tonic I need right now. I realised last week that Ive never had a single meaningful conversation with my Mum. And Ive been wondering if I should explore that and some other stuff with a counsellor. I think I will start with the book.

I felt the sessions put me emotionally and mentally out of control and the following week was awful, I felt left with no solution or closure

I think you just had a terrible counsellor.

I find the comments on this thread really interesting. I have had the opposite experience of thinking back on my childhood since having children. It has made me much more sympathetic and understanding towards my parents. I didn't have a great relationship with either of them - I can't remember a single conversation with my mum, or her ever hugging me or ever looking at me with love or affection. I went no contact with my Dad in adult life.
But since having kids I understand more the terrible pressures and struggles they faced in their own lives. I understand more how their own awful childhoods affected them and how they were trying to do better than their parents did for them. And since my own life took a similar bad turn to that of my dad, I understand now the painful legacy that left for him to live with. I wish they had lived long enough for me to be able to tell them I understand now and I can see how hard they tried. I can see that my mum showed her love through practical tasks for us. I feel sad for how it must have felt for her, this silent background figure, taken for granted whilst we three chatted together. It must have been horrible for her.

I really wish they had lived long enough for me to say that I finally understand.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful and insightful replies. I am feeling discombobulated! I think what I’m realising is that I wasn’t given the tools as a child to deal with anger or conflict- I rarely saw it expressed in a healthy way. I really don’t know where to start with that, when I get frustrated or stressed or angry it just bubbles out of me at an unstoppable speed. I don’t know any techniques for how to handle it. I think therapy or counselling will be helpful, but I feel like I need to organise my thoughts on paper first.

I have talked to DH about it at length. He’s the polar opposite of my dad! He’s very laid back, but confident and assertive, gentle and truly generous. He’s been great. I explained that if he says anything slightly sarcastic to me it reminds me a lot of my dad, and I lash out.

I’ve seen some friends this afternoon and talked to them about it, which was really helpful. And I managed to get two extremely tired children away from their playdate and into bed in a calm way (this would usually really stress me out) by being really mindful about it. I feel like getting this out in real life and on mumsnet has helped. And I can’t tell you how much the replies have meant to me.

I can only do my best. And I accept that my parents did their best, and were certainly influenced by their own parents to behave in certain ways that may have been less than ideal for me as a child. I’m not blaming them, I think that’s unfair, but it has been a bit of a revelation that this sadness I feel, and the feeling that I’m a bad person, might be due to other factors. It’s not just that I’m “bad”. If that makes sense.

My relationship now with my parents is superficially ok. But one thing I’ve noticed over the last couple of years is that whenever we visit then, for the first half hour or so, I really struggle. I fuss around the kids and I don’t want to make eye contact with them. I feel hostile, almost. I get over it, and I don’t think I express it, but it’s this disconcerting feeling of unease.

I feel like getting this out in real life and on mumsnet has helped

Do you think that you might have finally started to allow your angry inner child to calmly express herself?

Glad to hear your husband is supportive. So many people follow the example of their parents into unhealthy relationships. I imagine that helps.

I think it sounds really healthy, what's happening for you. I had to pay for quite a lot of counselling before I got where you are. It wasn't a comfortable journey, but I'm so glad I made it - it was life changing. I hope you have a similar experience.