Dh moansandmoansandmoans

[Hamster33]

Sorry, just need a vent!
Dh concerned about his new job after Nasty redundancy.
But he moans and moans every time I talk to him, it’s beginning to effect me more and more. He’s always threatening to resign. Thing is, he did this at his last job. Everyone against him, too much work etc etc. So he works harder and harder, becomes really stressed and refuses to book a holiday until after the presentation ( which keeps moving) gets grumpy. Won’t help with anything, because he’s working.
I can’t help - my suggestions are obviously wrong ( ‘it doesn’t work like that’) and he said he wants me to just say, ‘there there’. I can do that, but I Just feel like I’ve been listening to him moan for years and I’m really fed up with it. If I try not to listen, he’ll get cross and it’s like he’s defending his own crap position, if that makes sense. He’ll say,’I can’t do it, you need to get a better paying job, I’m going to resign’ it’s really stressing me out. In case he does resign, but also because I hate seeing him do the same thing again, and be so miserable.
He actually could resign, he has enough redundancy money to last a few months, ( we couldn’t live off my salary) but I’m not at all sure looking for a job would help - the last person he talked to said he was too old. Which didn’t help. And I suspect he’d get very down.
I’m guessing he’s just lost all confidence but what can I do to help? He’s promised for at least a year to see a counsellor, but is obviously too busy to spare an hour until after the next x y or z.
Writing this out I’m seeing that behind the irritability is a very anxious man, it’s just that I’m feeling bad beacause I’m losing patience. His parents avoid him ( I suspect) I think because he’s often cross with them for not helping. They have massive problems of their own though.I wonder if he’s being a victim ans somehow clinging onto that identity if that makes sense?
Counselling helped me realise id got into being a victim and was stuck so I am now getting a lot better at looking after me, and not running after him, but it’s still exhausting.
Thanks for any thoughts!

I could NOT live like this. I think I'd either leave or give him an ultimatum. "Stop moaning at me or I'm leaving" type of thing.

It's like shitting emotions on someone else. Using you as an emotional punchbag.

I’m married to someone like this OP , it’s extremely wearing and as someone said you feel like an emotional punch bag — in my case he didn’t start like this and it started after about 3 years married (now 25 years) —

I don't have any constructive advice but I can empathize. My DH is more outwardly anxious than cross, he doesn't tell me I need to get a better paying job for a start. But it feels like constant moaning and it is getting me down. I feel like a weapons grade bitch because he has been supportive to me when I've been through stressful periods and not been great company. But this anxiety runs through all his jobs and I don't know if he'd be happier in another job. I think he needs counseling or CBT but he's very reluctant.

I can't do it, you need to get a better paying job, I'm going to resign

This is the crux of the matter, by the look of it. He is basically laying everything at your door. He's saying it's all your fault, and the reason he is so stressed and miserable (and making your life a misery in the process) isn't down to him - he is blaming you.

That's really not on, is it?

He cant help being miserable at work if his job is that bad.

He can help trying to recruit others into his misery. He either helps himself or he shuts the hell up. He's being incredibly selfish.

I thought my xp was bad. Never seemed happy. Yours is a million times worse.

I dont know what to suggest realky. But if you carry on like this you will have no joy left in life at all.

I think I'd call it tbh

You need to tell him that the constant unhappiness is wearing you down, and that the only person who can make him any happier is HIM !

Find the names and numbers of appropriate counselling services locally and have them ready.

Then sit him down and tell him you're fed up of the constant need to be his psychotherapist and that it's time he actually saw someone professional. Explain that it's affecting your mental health, and it needs to stop, today.

He'll no doubt say things like ''I can't afford it'' and ''It wouldn't help'' and finish with ''Anyway, I don't have the time !''

Gently tell him that nothing has improved in the last however many years/ months, and that the time has come for action, not more self pitying whining with no resolution ! (And if he tells you that he ''just needs you to listen, then tell him to join a church or call the Samaritans, because you're done being brought down by his moaning ! )

Give him the list of numbers. Then tell him he has to make make time for the appointment, if he values his marriage.

No advice but I'm in a very similar situation and I'm done. Just getting my ducks in a row now

Thanks all. I’m sorry so many of us are putting up with this!

Ahoyshipmates thanks this is an interesting view that hadn’t occurred to me! This is the crux of the matter, by the look of it. He is basically laying everything at your door. He's saying it's all your fault, and the reason he is so stressed and miserable (and making your life a misery in the process) isn't down to him - he is blaming you.

the thing is - does he have anyone else he can talk to? You say you can't live off your salary, so he has added pressure to stay in work because of that.

He's even giving you the clues - he doesn't want your suggestions, he just wants someone to talk to/moan at about what he sees as a situation he can't get out of. There is a massive mental health problem with men and one of the things that they are told to do is to talk. So someone has to listen.

Have you tried just letting him talk, let it go in one ear and out of the other and give him the shoulder patting and "there, there" he asked for?

and give him details of this website
www.thecalmzone.net/

It's time to find your voice and absolutely refuse to be his emotional punching bag for one more minute. He either gets his shit together, gets help for his anxiety, or the marriage is over. You can't continue to live like this, no one can.

And whatwouldscullydo I didn’t realise it was so bad.so thanks.

Thanks fortunesfave - I didn’t realis this, but you are right. Am now wondering if he’s just not taking responsibility for himself, and waiting for other people to make it ok. Which may have worked as a kid.

jackieweaverishere sorry to here this. I wonder if it’s a mindset thing rather than the actual job too. Especially as it runs through all his jobs. Same here. wonder too if cbt would help. Sure it would, it’s sooo helpful just very hard to get anyone to go. Maybe you should go if he won’t. I found it very helpful - I had got into the habit of being a wimpy victim and she showed me how to stand up for myself- with seemingly innocuous ways, like getting the kids to do little chores, which has of course changed the system. Actually writing this I’m realising how far I’ve come! He used to yell at me if I asked him to do anything, now I refuse to put up with that. I recently put a sign up regarding towels in the bathroom and lo! It’s been taken notice of! I think his mother spoilt him!
I also took your advices (?) and refused to go on a walk as it was so endlessly depressing. I think he had no idea.
Fingers crossed!
Thanks all, I think hugs and treats to all.

Tell him to join a trade union and speak to his shop steward or go on a time management course - but STFU to you.

Show him this

If he really wants to help himself it's a good place to start.

I think definitely tell him he needs to get professional help now as it's not fair on you, it's effecting you too- the anxiety when he threatens to leave his job, and the strain of having to hear it all time and again etc. He isn't thinking of your feelings, which are just as important as his.

Have you tried just letting him talk, let it go in one ear and out of the other and give him the shoulder patting and "there, there" he asked for?

@Brefugee How often/how long for again and again and again, though? No woman should be a man's unpaid psychiatric nurse or therapist long-term/to this level of intensity. People get paid fairly good money for putting up with that as a job. OP isn't even getting paid for it. Yes we should listen to our loved ones but there are limits, we don't have to be everything they want in every way permanently, women are people themselves, too.

Interesting thread. The stereotype is that "men are problem solvers; if a person talks to them about being unhappy they will come up with solutions; women just want to talk things through and basically whinge on and on with no resolution". Every time I read some variant of that it annoys me and I think NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE PAL.

How often/how long for again and again and again, though? No woman should be a man's unpaid psychiatric nurse or therapist long-term/to this level of intensity.

I agree that "unpaid" anything is shit and shouldn't be happening. But this is her DH - presumably she loves him? So what do you do when, say, your teenage DS has issues? First of all you work out what it is and then you try to arrange help - this sounds like a mental health issue to me and as we know sometimes that requires us to give them a bit of a push in the right direction.

It's the male equivalent, i think, of a SAHM with a toddler and a baby handing over the kids as soon as her partner gets home so she can finally clean her teeth and get a shower. It is a bit of a call for help, so why not try to help him?

I don't think this should go on ad infinitum, but a bit of patience and understanding? I sometimes wonder why some people on MN are actually married.

And FWIW i have been the person under immense pressure to keep the wage coming in and having an absolutely appalling, at times, employer. You need space and understanding to get your thoughts together to get to a point where you can work out your exit strategy, whether it's tackling the employer or getting a new job.

I thought marriage was a partnership where sometimes one needs a bit more help and support than the other. But on MN it seems more like "every man for himself".

The CALM website above is a great place for men feeling pressure to get a start.

I agree that "unpaid" anything is shit and shouldn't be happening. But this is her DH - presumably she loves him? So what do you do when, say, your teenage DS has issues?

@Brefugee That would be a child whereas the OP's husband is an adult who can take some responsibility for his effect on his wife, his own well being and emotional regulation etc, his behavior.

And yes, if a child had long term issues they need to see a professional eventually, depending how long it goes on and how difficult it is for someone with out a professional relationship with them to have an impact, or if they're behaviourally lashing out, like OP's husband blames her for not being a good enough counsellor in exactly the way he wants etc.

I don't think this should go on ad infinitum, but a bit of patience and understanding? I sometimes wonder why some people on MN are actually married.

I'm sure OP has done that. Your implication that she hasn't or most of us haven't is quite insulting, really.

I thought marriage was a partnership where sometimes one needs a bit more help and support than the other.

Of course. As above, I'm sure OP has provided that, but it shouldn't be going so much/so intensely in only one direction for a long period of time.

Sounds like op has done that though..

I mean if you have taken the hit, advised them to seek.help and they refuse to do so, then what more can you do?

Using your SAHM analogy, if you were struggling with how to wean a baby and your dh bought 5 different books with recipes and meal plans, spent his weekend knocking up food portions for the freezer and typing up.a schedule on the fridge , phoned several drs and community centres to find a local.group where new parents could go and get advice, and organised the HV to come round and see you and they decided to not use them, refused to attend the group and went out 10.mins befire the HV was due to turn up.akd missed the appointment, then I think the DH would have a right to be a bit pissed off and wonder why he was wasting his time.

Its ok to draw a line.

Have you children?

If not, maybe it's time to think of a different future to one listening to this.

I can only imagine how hard it must be.

I am often astounded on MN and i have never read such a load of people who have no empathy with a partner. Why are any of you married?

He is obviously deeply struggling -so why not point him towards help?

And if he won't help himself just how long is his wife meant to put up with it?

There is a point it stops being supportive and crosses over into enabling

@Brefugee. Because many have done the supportive , suggesting , unpaid psychologist part for years and reach a point where it affects your own sanity. In fact if it isn’t for other worries such as family, financial and logistical and yes concern for their partners coping mechanisms I think more people and particularly women would say ‘stuff this for a game of soldiers’

Oh yes OP,
Listen to him moaning endlessly until your MH is decimated by it.

Everyone moans at times but those that do so endlessly without looking for a solution or trying for one are PITA's and I certainly wouldn't offer up MY MH to a partner so he can indulge himself.

God helps those that help themselves.

Not a real God person per se, but I like the saying.

It sounds like a difficult situation and perhaps he is in a job that doesn't suit him.. would he be able to downsize to an easier job ?