Dh moansandmoansandmoans

[Hamster33]

Sorry, just need a vent!
Dh concerned about his new job after Nasty redundancy.
But he moans and moans every time I talk to him, it’s beginning to effect me more and more. He’s always threatening to resign. Thing is, he did this at his last job. Everyone against him, too much work etc etc. So he works harder and harder, becomes really stressed and refuses to book a holiday until after the presentation ( which keeps moving) gets grumpy. Won’t help with anything, because he’s working.
I can’t help - my suggestions are obviously wrong ( ‘it doesn’t work like that’) and he said he wants me to just say, ‘there there’. I can do that, but I Just feel like I’ve been listening to him moan for years and I’m really fed up with it. If I try not to listen, he’ll get cross and it’s like he’s defending his own crap position, if that makes sense. He’ll say,’I can’t do it, you need to get a better paying job, I’m going to resign’ it’s really stressing me out. In case he does resign, but also because I hate seeing him do the same thing again, and be so miserable.
He actually could resign, he has enough redundancy money to last a few months, ( we couldn’t live off my salary) but I’m not at all sure looking for a job would help - the last person he talked to said he was too old. Which didn’t help. And I suspect he’d get very down.
I’m guessing he’s just lost all confidence but what can I do to help? He’s promised for at least a year to see a counsellor, but is obviously too busy to spare an hour until after the next x y or z.
Writing this out I’m seeing that behind the irritability is a very anxious man, it’s just that I’m feeling bad beacause I’m losing patience. His parents avoid him ( I suspect) I think because he’s often cross with them for not helping. They have massive problems of their own though.I wonder if he’s being a victim ans somehow clinging onto that identity if that makes sense?
Counselling helped me realise id got into being a victim and was stuck so I am now getting a lot better at looking after me, and not running after him, but it’s still exhausting.
Thanks for any thoughts!

@Brefugee

I am often astounded on MN and i have never read such a load of people who have no empathy with a partner. Why are any of you married?

He is obviously deeply struggling -so why not point him towards help?

Have you ever lived with someone who had depression or another mental illness? If not, you might not realise what it does to you.

Your mental health begins to suffer...you end up exhausted, worried, stressed and anxious ALL THE TIME.

Nobody has to live with that just because they got married! Yes...it's good to try to help but there's also a limit on what some people have to offer.

Not everyone's able to stick it. That's fair enough.

Look if he has depression or mental illness he clearly urgently needs help. So i would hope that OP and anyone else in that situation would point him in the right direction to get help, or help him get help.

And yes i know that women aren't in charge of men's health. What do you want here a moaning husband (leave him if you can't stand it) or a moaning husband who gets help?

Of course it's awful. Of course it's damaging. But if it's affecting OP so much she needs to do something for her own sanity if nothing else

Why do you keep.midsing the point that she has.

Do you not think that if she's supported him and repeatedly asked to get him help that she's done all she can and if he won't sort himself out then she's justified in having enough. ?

This is not a case of walking away T the first sign of trouble.

This is recognising that someone is more interested in dragging everyone down with him than solving the issues.

Its like those people who constantly moan they are tired but won't give up staying up half the night playing computer games.

Or know full well they keep their partners up snoring but refuse to stop drinking or smoking ir try and lose weight or see a dr about it.

Its selfish. Sympathy runs out.

My ex DP was like this, I couldn’t hack it after about two years, the constant negativity was just exhausting. His moaning was also about a job, which he’s now left, and he’s much better, but still very much a joy sucker and it doesn’t take much for the cycle to start again.

Amazing what they achieve after you split though isn't it naughty

It really is just you they had zero inclination to do anything for or enough respect for to even try.

If this were my DH? I'd have put a stop to it after about a year. Either because he'd addressed and solved the problem (possibly with my support) or I'd have left him for my own sanity.

I deffo wouldn't let it drag out.

Then why the " god y are you all even married " comments?

Assuming no one even so.much as spoke to their partners?

He needs to get that counselling or life coaching. He is in victim mode and needs to learn some resilience.

Fuck but it’s exhausting even reading about it.

Thanks all.
Obviously he wasn’t like this when I married him. It’s because we’ve had Tough Times. Just finding it all a bit tiring. He’s got a lot better, but it’s still exhausting.
I feel like I’m on my own - - is this silly but it’s affected me - just dragged a very bored and grey 13 yr old off the computer and got him to agree to mow the grass ( for a coke!) but it had wire round the blade. Dh sits in sun and told me I shouldn’t do it like that, so I asked him to Google it, but he wouldn’t. Tells me there’s petrol coming out of it, not to start it, some more then asks why I’m in such a mood, in front of ds.
I’m not in a mood, but of course the more I protest the more it sounds like I am. Had to go, they are both driving me potty.
Sorry, hot and fed up. Didn’t realise how much.

Honestly op, I would seek the therapy for yourself. I would bet money on your dh being like this when you first met him. He most likely kept his true self hidden until he felt you were trapped with a mortgage and kids.

He doesn't want to change so he never will. He is using his situation to justify his lack of emotional and physical support. He even avoids booking a holiday to reinforce the misery he inflicts.

It is very revealing his own parents avoid him and he chastises their lack of help. How about him helping them?

He sounds like the classic selfish man who is happy wallowing in his own misery.

It's your life and you can spend it how you want, but it seems a waste to stay with this misery-maker.

OP,
Of course such a negative PITA would drag you down, make you feel low.

I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it.

I can't stand pointless negativity that is basically verbal diarrhoea.

He is undoubtedly affecting your mood and MH.

Look into if and can you get out of the marriage.
Then tell him that you have had enough.
He either sorts himself out or you or done.

There are much worse things than being alone, living with the likes of your husband sound like one.

You deserve better.