Mother in law boundary advice

[theycallmehel]

Looking for advice to setting boundaries with my MIL to be.

She is very overbearing, abrupt and passive aggressive. She speak to me like I'm a child, incapable of keeping a home, job and her son! (Very chauvinistic/old fashioned)

Anyhow, she makes bold comments a lot like insisting she will see my wedding dress, for example. I've recently picked it with my mum and I have no plans to take her. I said it was a special moment for my mum to share with me. She doesn't take that hint and has said "remember, I'm seeing it, bitch" in jest.

She's also said that when we have a baby it will be sleeping over her house and she wants to be the first one to take them certain places. She slags off other mothers parenting, including my sister in law, which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

She does this as well when she comes to my home, she wants to look around all the rooms (I think a test to come unexpectedly and see if it is clean and tidy here). When she's here she tells me what to do in my house, and not in a kind advice way.

I make a conscious effort to call or text her if we ever pop there ahead to ask if it's ok, because that's something I want in return, and she doesn't do. Little things I try to do that are what I would want in return. I have hidden in my own home before now, not to answer the door (sad I know!)

I do try to meet her passive aggression in the best way I can, but sometimes I am taken aback and don't give the best responses.

She thinks she can walk over me and I want to put a stop to it before it only gets worse with a wedding and future children hopefully. My fiancé is extremely supportive and has my back entirely so I am fortunate that way. She has a very unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with my fiancé's brother, so my fiancé and I aren't her main focus, but when it comes to the bigger things she thinks it's her place to be involved with us heavily.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Ask her who the hell she thinks she's talking to. Honestly. With people like her, subtlety doesn't work.

'Not fucking likely bitch' would be my reply

Is there cultural element in this or is it just her personality?

Has your partner told her to back off? At this point I wouldn't worry about offending her or being rude, just tell her what's allowed and what isn't. If she wants to poje around your house tell her no, your (upstairs for example) is private. If she goes to the stairs anyway, be firm. If she tell you what to do, say no, you are doing things your way. End of.

Do nit be a doormat. Time to put a stop to this now.

She calls you ‘bitch’? Tell her it is unacceptable and demand an apology. If she says it’s a joke, you tell her you find it offensive and she is to stop speaking to you in this way. If she refuses you tell her to leave (if she’s at yours) or you leave if at hers.

And bin off if your soon to be DH if he doesn’t back you up.

Refuse to have any kind of relationship with her or don't marry into this family.

I'm serious. This woman is going to make your life hell.

Honestly. Don’t marry into this if your husband doesn’t back you 100%. I speak from experience (and a divorce)

Don’t waste your life putting up with this level of negativity, because if it’s allowed it will continue and likely get worse

Your partner needs to tear a strip off her NOW. Properly as in 'Stop this behaviour or you will not be welcome in our house. FULL STOP.

She sounds unbearable. Rude. Overbearing. Intrusive.

And it will only get worse.

Is your DP her only son? Is she married? Does anyone else in the family stand up to her?

Sorry, just saw that she is this way with your DP's brothers too. Sorry, but I'd back right off. Your life will be hell if you marry into this family.

What?! This is crazy.

I think you need to put in boundaries directly and not worry about subtlety.

“Mil, our relationship is really important to me and DP but I find your behaviour towards me offensive. In particular, calling me bitch, inspecting my home and telling me what to do. Please can you stop”

She will likely throw a huge strop and stop talking to you both for a while but I think these are the lengths you need to go to.

Marry. Emigrate.

Your fiancée needs to tell her to back off in no uncertain terms. ASAP. If he refuses, or pussy-foots around the issues, do not marry him. She will make your life hell.

Do not be afraid to offend her as she is clearly not afraid to offend you.

She will choose to ignore any subtle hints. Say exactly what you think/need/want from her. Just say "don't go in there please" (why) "because I don't want you to and it's my house"

Have a few replies that fit everything eg. "Im glad that worked for you. We have chosen to do X instead". If asked to elaborate, simply state "it's what suits us". Do not get into the habit of defending yourself or she will see it as a way in and start trying to change your mind.

Don't leave her in any doubt, you need to be clear about the goalposts, stop being so accommodating. Don't allow her to do those things you dislike. Stop her looking around your house, tell her she won't be seeing your dress etc.

This person has the potential to ruin your relationship if you don't address this now. Back off from her, don't message her or visit without your fiance (does he message /visit your mother? Why are women expected to have a relationship with their inlaws that men are excused?). Continue to ignore the door if she visits unannounced. Learn to say no, especially where any children you may have are concerned.

My MIL was very difficult in the early years of my marriage. Her tactic was to cry to get her way, which had FIL and DH running around trying to placate her. Eventually I went NC as I couldn't deal with any of it, which was great. 6 months later she kept trying to contact me, even coming to my workplace (I told reception to tell her I was busy). She needed to learn I don't take shit and I wouldn't be manipulated by tears or tantrums.

That was 30+ years ago and, while we've never been close, we get on fine now we both know where we stand.

Seriously, nip this in the bud. Rude people see kindness as a weakness and will push your boundaries as far as they can. Time to draw that line in the sand.

Hi, you really need to get this sorted. She comes to your house and goes thru the rooms!! That’s just awful, she’s sending warning shots over your bow that she is top dog! This is either going to break you or your marriage. She sounds abominable, stand up, tell her straight to back off. Definitely keep her at arms length in future, don’t answer the door, whatever it takes.

@greenlynx

Is there cultural element in this or is it just her personality?

I’m curious, which culture do you think MIL’s call their future DIL’s ‘bitch’ in jest?

I think you need to get tough and distance yourself from her. When she insists on seeing the dress tell her is isn't going to happen. When she calls you a bitch tell her its unacceptable. When she dictates about your home decor or cleaning tell her she is rude. When she looks around your house tell her not to. Everytime she undermines you tell her not to or tell her she is not to come into your home. You need to drop any thoughts of being respectful and people pleasing just because she is your mother in law. She clearly has no respect for you. Do all of this before you get married.

I had an ex MIL like this. She's not the reason I divorced but how my husband acted about her attitude is one of the reasons I lost all respect for him.

You say he has your back, that needs to be far more than agreeing with you. It needs to be taking action. Good luck.

@frazzledasarock

Haha you stole my words!! What a weird comment! Also racist!

OP- sounds like a nightmare! Is your OH supportive? I would start being assertive back and not let her speak to me like this!

I would think seriously if this man is worth dealing with his mother. If he has not already told his mother to back off, then he isn’t worth it. Don’t marry him. His mother will make it hell for you and you’ll want a divorce.

You’re not a child to be told what to do. If she calls you a bitch, tell her to leave (or put the phone down). If she starts rummaging through your house, tell her to leave. Tell her clearly that what you do when you have a baby is not up for discussion. Stop being so accommodating, she is a bulldozer! You need some clear and direct responses to practice in advance, and if she persists, then you go low/no contact. She cannot make you do anything so don’t imagine she has that power.

And your DP needs to make that clear to her too, if not then the wedding would be off.

If this is real my heartfelt advice is

Don't get married.

My fiancé is extremely supportive and has my back entirely...

Really? So where is he now then? Why isn’t he telling her that if she calls you a bitch again, she won’t see the wedding, never mind the dress? Why isn’t he putting a stop to it when she tries bossing you about in your home? Why isn’t he setting these boundaries with his mum, instead of leaving you to cope with it on your own?

Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and if you marry him without him putting a stop to it, things will never change.

@Shookethtothecore

Honestly. Don’t marry into this if your husband doesn’t back you 100%. I speak from experience (and a divorce)

Don’t waste your life putting up with this level of negativity, because if it’s allowed it will continue and likely get worse

I agree. Unless your husband to be agreed 100% his mother is a pain in the arse, this will cause a massive divide in your marriage. Speaking from experience.

Thanks so much all for the good advice. I agree I do need the responses to hand for when she says things.

The "bitch" thing is very much something she uses often; it could be dressed as a compliment at times, "you look nice in anything you put on... bitch", then other times in a more serious way, dressing an insult or dig up with jest that I don't find funny.

With my fiancé, he's told her many times over the years and I have to give it to him he is very blunt and straight to the point. For example MIL talks about what she does with niece and nephew (overly dominant) and he had said well that won't be happening when we have children. He's told her to call us before she comes over. He's told her when she's been out of order with things she's said to me. To be fair he is trying as much as I am. But... where I'm seeking advice is, I don't want to look the weak link, she makes comments to me and says things when my fiance has gone to the loo, or gone to get a drink, or when there are two conversations going on in a room. I'm not hiding behind him, as much as I can see it's his mother to put right much of the time. When she says things directly to me, I want to be armed and prepared for responses that put her in her place and show my boundaries too.

I hope that makes sense.

In the family, she is the top, the loud one, the opinionated one, the know-all, the epitome of mother/woman/hostess/everything! She isn't used to being told what to do in return to her digs. It has been water off a ducks back when we have said things over the years but I want to make sure I do it going forward and in the best way. I don't want to stoop to her level of passive aggression, I want to be straight but I find it hard with what to say.