Mother in law boundary advice

[theycallmehel]

Looking for advice to setting boundaries with my MIL to be.

She is very overbearing, abrupt and passive aggressive. She speak to me like I'm a child, incapable of keeping a home, job and her son! (Very chauvinistic/old fashioned)

Anyhow, she makes bold comments a lot like insisting she will see my wedding dress, for example. I've recently picked it with my mum and I have no plans to take her. I said it was a special moment for my mum to share with me. She doesn't take that hint and has said "remember, I'm seeing it, bitch" in jest.

She's also said that when we have a baby it will be sleeping over her house and she wants to be the first one to take them certain places. She slags off other mothers parenting, including my sister in law, which makes me feel very uncomfortable.

She does this as well when she comes to my home, she wants to look around all the rooms (I think a test to come unexpectedly and see if it is clean and tidy here). When she's here she tells me what to do in my house, and not in a kind advice way.

I make a conscious effort to call or text her if we ever pop there ahead to ask if it's ok, because that's something I want in return, and she doesn't do. Little things I try to do that are what I would want in return. I have hidden in my own home before now, not to answer the door (sad I know!)

I do try to meet her passive aggression in the best way I can, but sometimes I am taken aback and don't give the best responses.

She thinks she can walk over me and I want to put a stop to it before it only gets worse with a wedding and future children hopefully. My fiancé is extremely supportive and has my back entirely so I am fortunate that way. She has a very unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with my fiancé's brother, so my fiancé and I aren't her main focus, but when it comes to the bigger things she thinks it's her place to be involved with us heavily.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

@Sn0tnose

My fiancé is extremely supportive and has my back entirely...

Really? So where is he now then? Why isn’t he telling her that if she calls you a bitch again, she won’t see the wedding, never mind the dress? Why isn’t he putting a stop to it when she tries bossing you about in your home? Why isn’t he setting these boundaries with his mum, instead of leaving you to cope with it on your own?

Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and if you marry him without him putting a stop to it, things will never change.

Exactly this. Honestly the man you plan to marry allows his mum to talk to you in a disgusting manner and act in a completely inappropriate manner.

Speak to him about his mum and your feelings and let him deal with it. The way he deals with this situation will tell you everything you need to know about the respect he has for you and your future life.

Have you tried leaving?

No drama, no shouting, just calmly get up and say you're leaving when she does something rude. There is no need to stay when someone treats you like this.

But... where I'm seeking advice is, I don't want to look the weak link, she makes comments to me and says things when my fiance has gone to the loo, or gone to get a drink, or when there are two conversations going on in a room. I'm not hiding behind him, as much as I can see it's his mother to put right much of the time. When she says things directly to me, I want to be armed and prepared for responses that put her in her place and show my boundaries too.

Are you telling him what she says? In your position, the only response I can see is that you stand up, pick up your bag and say ‘I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, but I’m not prepared to tolerate your bad behaviour anymore’. Then you walk out. And when your fiancé comes back from the loo, she can explain why you aren’t there anymore. If you’re in your home, walk to the front door, hold it open and tell her she needs to go home until she learns how to behave herself.

Essentially, it’s down to him to make a choice. He either tells her that if she puts one more foot out of line, there’ll be consequences (And he has to decide what those consequences are and stick to them). Or he keeps putting her before you, which is what he’s doing now. My MIL is never going to be the founding member of my fan club, but if my DH thought for a second she’d ever made me feel uncomfortable or upset, he’d wipe the floor with her.

Aha I see you are clearly marrying my ex husband (I'm joking noone would be silly enough to put up with his batshit mother these days ).

Trust me....set boundaries now. Hard and strict and do not waver. I absolutely promise you the pain of doing this is nowhere close to the stress of not doing it.

I listened at the beginning to all the people who told me I should be considerate and understanding and faaaaammmmmily.

Then after it got worse and worse I eventually snapped. I became the polite but stalwart head bitch in charge. When it came to my DC I grew a spine of steel and she got put heavily and firmly back over the line.

Ironically even now after the split it worked wonders. That scenario had a lot to do with the split. You say he is supportive but actually if he is allowing this without a clear action to stop her then no he is not. Everytime Exdh was passive it killed a bit of our relationship. Eventually there was nothing left.

Now though (Exdh lives with her and has done since we split so DC interact with her) she doesn't dare overstep with rules from me etc. She knows the rules with my DC and she doesn't cross the boundaries. Wierdly she is respectful to me above any of her other family members....ex or otherwise. She knows I have absolutely no problem butting heads with her because I did

I would think twice about marrying into such a dysfunctional family.

His toxic mother has already labelled you here as both weak and the weak link in the chain. Your weak boundaries to date have been further exploited by her and it is highly likely you've never come across someone like this before. It is not your fault nor your fiance's that she is like this (her own parents did that to her) and you did not make her that way.

Are you telling your man everything she says to you when he is out of the room?. Yes he has tried but he needs to try harder and show his mother that you and he are united and can put on a united front. He is likely still to have a degree of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his mother.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. His mother is no different.

If you want to set boundaries with her they need to be raised considerably along with being consistently applied. Far too weak and low boundaries has also allowed her a way in. Even now she appears to have an invite to your wedding (this sort of person will likely try and mar your special day by wearing some outlandish outfit or making it all about her) so that invite now needs to be rescinded. Stop going to visit her and do not let her into your home. How is she getting into your home anyway?.

Keep any children you go onto have well away from her; he should not take them alone to see her either. He has had a lifetime of such from her and such conditioning is not undone overnight. He needs therapy re his mother and his place within that family. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what is his here?. He is not being fully effective in trying to protect you from her and what he has done to date is not enough. He also appears to be one of scapegoat with his brother the golden child. His family are therefore favoured and that is why you're getting all the comments from her re their children.

You seem to think that a few sharp words will put her in her place; it will not because such toxic people like this do not and never play by the "normal" rules of familial interaction. Toxic people like nothing more than a fight and or the last word.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics being played out here.

She knows the rules with my DC and she doesn't cross the boundaries. Wierdly she is respectful to me above any of her other family members....ex or otherwise. She knows I have absolutely no problem butting heads with her because I did

It's not weird that she respects you, my inlaws are the same - they don't like me but they respect me, whereas my DH, who is deep in the FOG, they like but don't respect. Personally I'd rather be respected than liked.

Thank you for that, very helpful. I will definitely have a read.

DF doesn't put her before me, I always come first and he does his best as much as I do to put her in her place. I agree it has to be more but we are young and neither of us have had to do it before so it's a learning curve for us both. He agrees she's a pain in the arse and has no trouble saying it to her. I agree that now things have to be consequential as the words are clearly not working anymore.

We aren't heavily involved, we barely speak to IL's monthly. We go over for occasions, or family get togethers. We try to limit the contact. She started turning up at our address and when we weren't here, walking around the back of the house and looking in. Making me very susceptible to being found in adult hide and seek ha! DF made two gates and put them up either side of the house. If she doesn't call or text us, we don't answer the door. We agree it on our terms now.

It is so uncomfortable for me when she looks around my house. DF is aware but I think at first, as a man, he didn't realise that when she was making out she was complimenting the house, she was looking at every nook and cranny to see if I had cleaned. The most recent was for DF's birthday in June, she came with his gifts and said "let's look upstairs" and DF said "no". She said, now stood up ready to go, "yeah I haven't seen it for ages", he said "that's because you don't need to see it and won't be seeing it. Sit down or you can go".

We have a very close relationship with my parents. I think a PP asked but my fiancé will go to my parents without me, if I'm working etc as he wants to go to see them. Probably because he's treated like a king there too lol!!

It is a real shame that MIL is not different. PP hit the nail on the head - I've NEVER met anyone like her in my life! I was so young when we first met, she really shocked me.

Let her see the dress if she wants to. But make it clear its already chosen and bought. I agred that awkward mils can cause huge huge problems in marriages. If she is to be a permanent fixture in your life and your future DH doesn't see the problem I would reconsider the whole thing.

@Viviennemary I think showing her the dress is a no go. We don't have a relationship where that would be a nice experience for me and I don't want to share something special with her. I wouldn't agree to it simply because she wants it as it's setting future precedents, I feel

If she's making comments when DF leaves the room, when he comes back ask her to repeat what she says. It's toecurling to think about doing, but she's being sleekit so needs to be called out on it.

OP, if you have a child this will get ten times worse which I why you need to make sure this is sorted out before then

I think your partner needs to talk to her, maybe on his own? If things don't improve then I would start limiting contact straightaway

You have my sympathy, but now heed my advice- you HAVE to mark your line in the sand . My SMIL was honestly horrendous to me for the first few years. Example- letting herself into our flat & waking me up after a night shift, being upset that I didn't stop everything to make her a cup of tea as I was fitting a carpet on the day we were moving house ( snotty tears & everything) , took my baby out of my arms in the hospital AS HE WAS LATCHED ON , telling me 2days post partum with DC 2 that I was fat. The last one unleashed years of pent up frustration and I gave her the hairdryer treatment then told her to leave my house.
Fast forward 20 years and we became very fond of each other, she just has the personality type that will take a mile if given an inch, but admires people who stand up to her.

It makes a refreshing change to hear of a partner who stands up to his difficult mother . Your fiance sounds great!

It is also good that you don't see her much but I would seriously consider moving further away from her and also seriously cutting down your contact even more.

You ask about boundaries - when you have a baby, never see her without your partner present.

But really I would try to hardly ever see her. She sounds evil.

Oh my @Sundancerintherain that's what I foresee if we don't put our feet down now. We've seen it happen with our niece and nephew ie changing them out of clothes she does like for new ones she's bough, taking them off their mum, taking them off their maternal grandparents too :O

Glad to hear things have gotten better with your assertiveness. I hope that happens for us, we need to be prepared for whatever she may say. We have a pep talk en route there usually and get ready for what's to come!

[quote theycallmehel]@Viviennemary I think showing her the dress is a no go. We don't have a relationship where that would be a nice experience for me and I don't want to share something special with her. I wouldn't agree to it simply because she wants it as it's setting future precedents, I feel [/quote]
Just tell her she will see it…on your wedding day, just like everyone else

I think showing her the dress is a no go. We don't have a relationship where that would be a nice experience for me and I don't want to share something special with her. I wouldn't agree to it simply because she wants it as it's setting future precedents, I feel

Totally agree with you there. Whatever happens do NOT let her see the dress before the wedding. It’s really important to stand up to her on this as with so many other things! Be strong and don’t accept ANY nonsense from her!

I'd advise you to have a daytime wedding and reception vampires don't like coming out of their coffins in the bright sunlight