Friendship - why don’t I have any?

[Ideasplease322]

Anyone out there a lone wolf. I have just realised I don’t actually have any friends. Not real, proper ones who care about me and check in and are happy when good things happen.

I have had some big ups and downs over the last year, and not one friend has acknowledged it. Dad very ill, big promotion and house move.

No congratulation on the promotion, no calls to check in on dad. I also broke my foot last year. Not a text. But I send flowers and visit if they are sick.

I feel like a fool. When one ‘friend’ moved house last year I took the day off work at her request and helped her pack and move. She didn’t even text me on the day of my move to say good luck. I just looked at my new home cards, family, colleagues, neighbours old and new. No friends. Not even one.

I am too old to make new friends - I am single. Is this it?

I feel the same OP. I'm sorry. How old are you? I'm 37 next week.
I've also had ups and downs in the last year, have a great job now, but also had a relationship breakdown. It's made me realise how few people care.

My relationship with my dad isn't great and my mum passed away a long time ago.

I have one friend otherwise. Usually I'm ok but the last few months or so it's really hot me

What do you love doing? How do you love spending your time? What are your favourite pastimes and hobbies?

I am 43. I have people to go out to dinner with occasionally and am in a few friends WhatsApp groups, but they aren’t close friends- not the kind you could ring with a problem, or who would drop in for a coffee.

Sorry you feel the same. It’s rubbish.

@TheFoundations

What do you love doing? How do you love spending your time? What are your favourite pastimes and hobbies?

I work really long hours which doesn’t help. I took up running before COVID and was about to join a club. Had long COVID for about ten months, got really unhealthy and need to build back up.

I love to garden and read (not very original). Would love to try sea swimming, but need to get back to full health.

I don’t like the person I am with the group of people who aren’t really my friends! I am self conscious and fake. I know the lack of friends is my fault, they can’t help how they feel about me. But I am just so lonely, and embarrassed to have reached this stage and have no one to even go for a drink with let alone a holiday!

I met the best friend I've ever had when I was 26. We were both at the hospital having our scans on the same day. Then saw eachother in the park when our babies were 9 and 10 months old. I like her because she cares. She helps. She is supportive. Protective. But she doesn't smoother me and I don't smoother her.

I have another friend who I feel would judge me but also who I find smoothering. I do like her in small doses. She's a laugh and nice to talk with but she has an issue with being alone for too long and gets quite demanding. Every week she's chasing you for times and days. We had a bad stomach bug last week and shes been nagging me all week for a day. Ive felt rough and only just feel better and now the kids have colds. I've just nervously messaged her to ask if I can get out of tomorrow. But I already know then she will be asking about Monday and Tuesday when my periods full on heavy.

I find it hard work. I wish I had girly group sometimes. When I was a teenager I was quite shy. So when I left school and started working with a group of girls in a high street shop I used to shy away from parties with them. I think that's why I ended up not really having many friends. I didn't have the skills 2 to stay in their friendships when I was younger. I'm actually really confident now and I love talking to people. It's just really difficult when you are at a certain stage in your life. For example I don't really work now. I honestly think it comes down to how popular you are. Plus like you I'm very giving. I'm quite thoughtful and I like to treat people and surprise people. Where is people don't always do those little things like get you a card. I find the people who bake cakes and have hobbies like that seem to have a massive following a friend and seem to always have those supportive people around them. They are the ones that receive the care package when they've got the bad stomach, from a friend. Where as me nothing lol.

I'm sure you are a lovely person and you just have people around you abit wrapped up and not putting as much effort in. It's never too late to meet people though if you are willing to get out there. I like my own company mostly but I do like a few hours a week in the company of another female for a good chat.

You are really not too old to make new friends. People don't like to say it, but I think there are so many people feeling the same. Bubbles, isolation etc has completely changed friendships and lots of people are ready to make new friends. Maybe join something local? There's lots going to be starting up again now.

Thanks fairy.

I am good in a work setting - popular. The problem is I am the boss and not many close friendships have developed. It’s also very male dominated and the social things tend to be golf which I don’t play and which I am not interested in taking up.

I have tried networking events but females my age tend to not have much free time with kids and careers. Maybe I need to wait a decade and make friends with some empty nesters😂.

I hope I’m not needy. I do enjoy my own company and space, but would like to go out to dinner with a group of friends maybe once a month - even every other month. I would like to be invited to a bbq, or even round for a coffee. I invite people to my house, but they usually cancel, I live about 20 minutes away from most of my friends.

Just seen your latest post, OP. Join ParkRun. You can volunteer or walk around. You don't have to run. I am really looking forward to that starting up again

If you want to say your area, someone might like to meet up with you?

meetup.com?

You're just not coming across enough new people. It's a numbers game.

I used to parkrun before the sick! I am so unfit now I am not sure I could face it. But I might do couch to 5k and build back up.

I also volunteered occassionally, but you just stand alone on the route and no one at my run really chatted much. Maybe I need to try another location. It was huge and the volunteers were different every week.

@uglyflowers

If you want to say your area, someone might like to meet up with you?

Not really comfortable saying my area - but thank you for the kind offer 😊.

I only really have 1 good friend, all the rest are people I know, my DS parents on school run and random people I know who I chat to if I see in street, my work colleagues we are all friends but never see out of work due to their circumstances. Whereabouts in the U.K. are you?

I hated my fortieth because I don’t have enough friends to have a party. My birthday is around the same time as another more popular lady - it’s always embarrassing when I go to her party which is often on my actual birthday and someone realises it’s my birthday. We all went to primary school together so people remember sometimes. Not enough to send a card though😊. Then it awkward when I bring a present and they say oh I should have remembered it is your birthday!

I probably shouldn’t go - but I try to get out socially when I can. Haven’t seen them in nearly two years now with covid and dad. So think those friendships are over

This is really tricky for you op. as it sounds like you spend the majority of your time at work and it doesn't sound as if your circumstances are conducive to meeting people. I can't really advise but I feel in a similar situation (except I am a sahm). I do have a couple of friends but I only really see them every couple of weeks. When my dc goes to pre-school/school, I intend to try a few more things (a scattered approach to meeting people such as volunteering, groups connected to my hobbies etc.) The things I like to do are quite insular such as gardening (so I plan to join a community garden group), walking (so I plan to join a walking group) and volunteer in something I have an interest in. Hoping this way I will eventually meet like-minded people. I am not great in group situations (and entering therapy for issues related to this) but I figured if there is a common purpose in the activity with focus, this might help.

Hopefully someone else will come along soon with some more helpful advice.

Thanks daphne. It all seemed so easy when we were in our teens. You met new people all the time - everyone was in a similar boat and wanted to socialise.

Now most people my age are married with kids. Those who aren’t have their own lives - or we just don’t click.

I need a new friendship group who I can feel myself around. I had an awful experience one year when a friend had a few people round to celebrate my birthday. Her daughter told me it was because she felt sorry for me and we weren’t actually friends. I felt shit for months afterwards. That was over ten years ago and I still remember it clearly.

I have never been a bridesmaid and have only been to three hen parties in my life. I wasn’t invited to any of the weddings in my friendship group - and have only been to one wedding that wasn’t a family member.

I just see people with rich social lives and lots of friends and wonder what is wrong wi the me. Because it must be me - it can’t be everyone else!

You're not alone, I had my kids and settled down and that was that really.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in this position Op.

I can relate to your situation somewhat: it's never knowing when you'll meet up with someone, and having to arrange things in advance so that you can have events to look forward to, rather than just planning on the day...it almost feels so orchestrated sometimes, but it's better than nothing I guess. I have a couple of reliable good friends, but no friendship group to speak of. I don't think it's about being needy - you're human, you want meaningful interaction and connection with people who care about you and vice versa. My colleagues are people I liaise with Monday to Friday and I really have no interest in reaching out them (not that they would want to either).

Yes, activities are all well and good, but sometimes you just want a chat on the phone, someone to go and have a drink with/dinner. Also, some of these activities are on once a month, it's not enough interaction for a friendship to develop, it could take months/years. It can certainly happen of course, but I've found more often than not, it's just demoralising to try and forge friendships beyond the activity in question.

It's really hard as an adult to make friends I've found as most people seem to have established group of friends and their 'friendship' quotas are filled. They also have no time to nurture these new friendships in the same way. I had a good social life in my 20s but since then (and having moved areas a lot), and now in my late 30s, it's an unrecognisable situation.

I recall being in a partnership and having your weekends almost guaranteed to spend with someone (it was reassuring I must admit), but of course when the relationship breaks down, it's back to square again, back to the same issue which is a lack of established friendship group.

I'm currently pregnant (solo mother to be) so it's a peculiar situation to be in. I'm in a way hoping that maybe my social network will expand through child-related activities.. or it may not...I really don't know. I just knew that my situation was becoming unbearable, and this is pre-covid. I was isolated and lonely and there was just so much time that I didn't know what to do with myself (other than more activities to fill time with and I didn't care really about).

Sorry for the long rant! I really do sympathise. Do you socialise much with your family at least?

Can you volunteer with the Samaritans as a listener? They put you in a cohort of other volunteers and the training is quite intensive so tends to bond the group together quite quickly. It’s a nice way of making friends of different ages/backgrounds and tends to attract good hearted people. It sounds like some of your previous ‘friends’ weren’t really very nice people.

Just to say that in my area it only needs to be 4 hrs every fortnight of volunteering (and you can opt for just evenings/weekend shifts) so can be managed around FT work

I do socialise a bit with my family - but my parents are elderly and my siblings have their own busy lives with kids etc. I helped out a lot when the kids were small but now the kids are older I’m not needed for babysitting etc so I see much less of them.

I don’t have a lot of time outside of work for intensive volunteering. I do run some coaching and mentoring programmes in work and I am good at that. People contact me for advise outside of work hours - but it’s not friendship.

I know what you mean about the weekend. I try not to work on a Sunday but I know I never have any plans. I have been telling tales it’s covid - everyone is in the same boat - but I suspect they here have been lots of meet ups amounts my supposed friendship group I just haven’t been included. Which is fine and I can’t force them to be my friend or include me. I just feel like such a loser.

Just saw the update about Samaritans - that might be doable

I know how you feel. I work long hours and it's meant that my friendships have taken a back burner. You probably need to work less

It's hard to make friends so I know how you feel. I must say though, you don't sound like you are doing too bad. You have friends to meet up occasionally and talk with via whatsapp, you are invited to this person's party every year (if not for covid), you are popular at work. I do not say this to dismiss your feelings of loneliness as they are valid, just to point out that you must be a decent person who people like so things are far from hopeless.

Some good tips above for meeting new people but I'd also say don't dismiss the friends you've got, although they aren't perfect. Only give to them what you want though, so no more helping people move. If you want to go to the party, go. Have fun and leave when you want.

I'm definitely someone who has a smaller circle of friends, and Id like more. However, I think your current problem is partly that youre investing what little social energy you have into people who are treating you poorly! Stop buying cards and texting people who don't reciprocate, and start to weed out those CFs who happily ask for your help to move and can't even send a text on a momentous day. Youll then have more energy into growing new friendships.

I don't think anyone is too old to make new friends, but of course it gets harder as you get older. Once the world allows, I think you would benefit from joining some clubs, like your running, maybe volunteering at a garden or park or something, joining a local book club - the latter you could even do on Zoom I'm sure to start building some confidence now!

I think you just need to push past your comfort zone and, once the world and your energy levels allow, start pursuing your interests in a more social way and see if over the next year or two you can make some proper, quality friends who treat you as you deserve to be treated.