Friendship - why don’t I have any?

[Ideasplease322]

Anyone out there a lone wolf. I have just realised I don’t actually have any friends. Not real, proper ones who care about me and check in and are happy when good things happen.

I have had some big ups and downs over the last year, and not one friend has acknowledged it. Dad very ill, big promotion and house move.

No congratulation on the promotion, no calls to check in on dad. I also broke my foot last year. Not a text. But I send flowers and visit if they are sick.

I feel like a fool. When one ‘friend’ moved house last year I took the day off work at her request and helped her pack and move. She didn’t even text me on the day of my move to say good luck. I just looked at my new home cards, family, colleagues, neighbours old and new. No friends. Not even one.

I am too old to make new friends - I am single. Is this it?

I work really long hours which doesn’t help. I took up running before COVID and was about to join a club. Had long COVID for about ten months, got really unhealthy and need to build back up

I love to garden and read (not very original). Would love to try sea swimming, but need to get back to full health

I don’t like the person I am with the group of people who aren’t really my friends! I am self conscious and fake. I know the lack of friends is my fault, they can’t help how they feel about me. But I am just so lonely, and embarrassed to have reached this stage and have no one to even go for a drink with let alone a holiday

Embarrassment is your only problem. Lots of people (probably most), go through 'quiet patches' with friendships. It's equivalent to bottoming out with money because all the bills came at once.

If you enrol on a gardening course, join a sea swimming group and only get your toes wet, and volunteer for Parkrun, you'll have to make an effort not to make friends.

I don’t think it’s too late to meet friends - although it’s definitely trickier when you’re older. I’ve moved around a bit and don’t have that “best friend since school “ but wish I did. In the last 10 years I’ve made friends at work ( moved departments ) , nursery / school gate and an evening class ( although she subsequently returned to her home country). In the last year I’ve joined a gym and book club and find people friendly at both but only 1 or 2 of those people are likely to turn into friendships independent of the group. ( that’s fine… I won’t be on the same wavelength as everyone ) My strategy will be to initiate a get together ( “maybe we could get coffee sometime”) and then leave the ball in their court a little bit and see if the follow up.

I should add though that I don’t have a large group of friends who socialise together and I would never throw a party because I would question how many people would show up. I try to value quality over quantity.

You're definitely not alone OP. I do have a good circle but I come across people in life all the time who don't, some have become good friends, others not for whatever reason.

Nobody worth bothering with would think it was strange or think you were needy for being assertive with pursuing a friendship.

My DP had no friends circle when I met him. He embarrassedly told me early on (when I had invited him to a couple of occasions) that he didn't really have anyone to introduce me to. I didn't think it was odd. When I got to know him better and know more about his life it became clear what had happened - he had moved here to be with his then wife, they lived in a rural area and were very emmeshed with her family. When the marriage ended he found himself alone. He was late 40s and has done a great job of building up a circle of his own friends now.

You sound like you have hobbies, meet people and get on well with colleagues. This is all very promising. You said people cancel when invited to your house. Don't give up! They were the wrong people. Get into a mindset of - I love entertaining / trying new recipes and keep inviting people. Or if you don't love doing those things then suggest meals out or going to a movie. Believe me there are people in your circle who would absolutely love to be invited along to something or someplace.

Thank you. I have actually approached a few people I worked with in my last job today and asked them if they would like to go for a meal next week. Everyone said yes! So hopefully will have a meal out next week and company over the weekend. Mainly men and I don’t want to be sexist but harder to form good friendships with men than women. But it is a start. And one came back and said he hadn’t done anything social In ages which makes me feel better

I was just counting and I have only been to two hen parties ever! And I am similar age to you OP. Although to be honest I do find socialising really quite tiring. Any invitation to a large gathering fills me with nerves!
Glad to hear you have managed to arrange a few plans. I hope they go well x

I don’t have any friends. You are doing better than me OP, as I don’t even have anyone that pretends to be my friend or is a one sided sort of friend. Fortunately I am a bit of a loner but I wouldn’t mind the odd friend. I am not sure where I would find a friend now, I am 51 and currently not working as I am taking some time out for personal / health reasons.

Good for you op!

I've just joined a coworking space and I think it might be a game changer for having a 'crowd'. Such a relief after 4 years of freelancing and working alone. Could you do that?

I joined an online book club called Rebel Book Club where they set you up with virtual coffees with people you have stuff in common with. Made a lovely friend through that that I have an uncanny amount in common with! Could you join that? Also, I'm always open to new local friends if you happen to live in South east London :) I love Reading, gardening and outdoor swimming too

There is nothing wrong with you. Although I get why you think that.

I'm 45 and don't have any friends. I had a marriage break up at the start of the year and this third lockdown has been so bloody hard. Am trying to put myself out there, but it's so hard when you're older and everyone else seems to have their circle of friends.

Good luck with your meal.

Starting again that would be lovely but I’m not even in England!!

Aprilx I am so sorry to hear that - it must be tough. Some excellent advice here from lovely people - maybe we could both try it😊

I'm with you as well, OP. 41 & have one local friend (but she is part of a nice, long-standing group & I don't get invited to those get-togethers, which I can understand but would really like to...). I have old school friends on WhatsApp but haven't seen any of them in real life for years. I have one teenage DS and a 9 week old DD. I am just awful at making friends & have always been the same. I think that I just can't be very likeable 😳. Like a PP, I'm not very good at social events or small talk & the older I get (41), the less confident I get about being someone people would want to be friends with & knowing how to "do" socialising. I feel similarly to you, that it's too late to make friends & am so lacking in confidence... I just know if I joined any groups, I would be too shy to put myself out there & awkward when I talked to anyone... I wish I knew the secret to making and keeping friends as someone who is introverted and lacks confidence. I know I can't expect friends to just come to me and that it's on me to make friends if I want them - I just honestly don't know how.

Op I see myself in your post. I noticed it slowly happening over time then my last friend moved and poof. No one. I’m only early thirties Andy I haven’t fallen out with anyone but suddenly there’s no one to go to pub with. I scrolled through my phone earlier but nada. My family aren’t close and I just wish I had someone I could cal for a chat right now. I don’t have any advice for you as it’s really getting me down but it’s nice to hear this happens to other people. I keep thinking I must have something that puts people off!

Join MeetUp- friendships might develop and if not, you can have fun socialising and doing things you may not necessarily do by yourself.