Partner MASSIVELY lied about all his sexual past, plus other little things. I have just broke up with him

[Lila1990]

I am a 31 year old woman and I have recently split with my boyfriend (he is 28) after I realised that we couldn’t solve the issue he has with being honest. We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2. Our cultural differences also contributed a lot to this (we are from two different countries).

He was the most caring and compassionate boyfriend I ever had. He was my best friend, the first person I always asked for advice and help, and I was the same for him. Always putting my needs first, a great romantic and affectionate lover with a big heart. I have been very spoilt in the last 3 years as he always treated me like a princess. He always been very loving and respectful with me, wanted to marry me soon and have kids in the next couple of years.

However, for some reason, when we moved together after one year of relationship, I started to have a terrible gut feeling and felt that he wasn’t completely honest with me. I started to have anxiety problems and started to go to therapy, thinking that I was crazy and the fault was only mine. I have also started to be more investigative and jealous with him, sometimes for no apparent reason. I have thought that my parents relationship (where my dad has been cheating on my mum for years) really affected my ability to trust men and that I needed to fix that as I had an amazing boyfriend next to me.

However this did not explain why I did not have the same fears with my previous boyfriend whom I lived together for almost 5 years, and with the boyfriend before him. Of course I was moderately jealous (as most of latin passionate people are !) but I never ever had a single trust issue with them.

Over the years, I have realised that my boyfriend has lied to me many many times, mostly little, but MASSIVELY lied about ALL his sexual past.

I have to admit that I am a bit the iper sensitive woman who gets upset easily, but also to add that I mainly became this way after the first year. In the beginning of the relationship especially, I was very relaxed so I don’t understand why he felt the need to lie to that extent.

I could sometimes justify men’s lies if they have a iper sensitive woman as a girlfriend. But what about if the way they lie is actually more worrying that the lie itself? What about if they deny evidences and make many false promises ? And what about if the extent they lie is just quite remarkable?

I give some more specific example on what happened with us:

1. On our first dates, I asked him if he ever paid for sex. He denied it saying that he never needed it and find it disgusting. As I am really against prostitution and this is my biggest dealbreaker (but he didn’t know that in the beginning) I have asked this question multiple times to him in the last 3 years(I just felt he wasn’t honest) he always ALWAYS denied and promises 10000 times he did not. 3 years later I found out that he did in the past in several occasions, and seems like he cheated on his ex girlfriend with prostitutes on a trip to Thailand (he told me he left this girlfriend because she cheated on him, “forgetting“ to say that he did it first). He even lied on his previous girlfriend as well, saying he never cheated on anyone. I have found out he also cheated on her many times (he was really young though).

1. As I come from a culture where hooking up and having sex around with strangers is very unusual, the first date I have asked him (always in a non judgement way) how his sexual past was, without wanting specific details or numbers. He told me that “he wasn’t a saint but he wasn’t that bad”. Months later he even added that “he was never a one night stand person“, and mostly slept with girls after having dated them. He even been slightly annoyed when I told him the number of my sexual partners, which is relatively low. Few days ago I find out the he had sex with 300/400 girls -all one night stands (he previously told me his number was about 30 in total!). I know this sounds crazy but it is very possible as he worked 6 seasons abroad in a party place, and because I have also worked a season there, I know how the situation is. He also denied having done anything too crazy (sexually) then I discovered he had threesome, orgies, sex in toilets with random strangers etc.

1. He came back home multiple occasions lying to me on his occasional cocaine use. I have a past experience with drug use so I have always caught him! Sometimes he even strongly denies the evidences then confessed hours after. I have proved him that I would not get upset if he told me and that I just needed to know the truth in case I’ve asked, but still kept lying.

These are just few examples but there are more. The thing that worries me most is the way he lies, which I find quite manipulative: he promises me (the fake) on his family’s life, he tells me things like “you know I would never do that to you , I can tell you anything as you are my best friend, you can trust me” followed by another lie. Basically he builds massive stories around the lies he tells. He is good at it, but my gut instinct is stronger than his ability to lie.

He got upset because “the past is the past” and I cannot “deal with his past”. What about if I never had the chance to deal with his past as it was hidden from me for 3 years? I am not saying people should be completely honest about their sexual history in the beginning of the relationship, but at least they should give a good accountability on what happened, so that the partner can choose if they even want to deal with it or not and rather date someone else.

I don’t want to judge people, but I think I had the right to choose which kind of man I wanted as my future husband, and I never wanted someone who paid for a prostitute. He knew I felt so strong about it but kept denying. I feel like he forced me to be together 3 years with someone I did not want to be with. He said he did it out of love, but I think that real love should be thinking about the other person’s needs first.

The way I found out all these things is definitely not honourable: I have checked his phone multiple times in the last few months, after I have realised he wasn’t honest with me. I am very embarrassed about that, as I have never ever did it in my previous relationships and I don’t want to be that person. The old messages I found (when he was around 19 to 23) were also very disrespectful towards women, calling them with all possible names and sharing nude pictures of them with all his friends. Some of them were also a bit racist. Do all guys to this between them? I have also been more childish in the past, but my core values have always been the same.

Last month we had a massive argument for the same reason explained above. He promised me he would stop lying and go to therapy, he never did. He knew it was the last chance I would give him. Few days ago ago I discovered more lies and I have broken up with him. We are not talking in 5 days and it never happened before.

However, guilt and sadness are killing me and I don’t know if I did the right choice. I really want to get married and have a family, and I feel I’m getting older and I have just failed in another relationship. I just don’t really want a man like my dad and I don’t want to take the risk! I am also aware that I get upset easily and I haven’t always put him in the position of being honest with me. I am so worried I have made the biggest mistake of my life and lost my soulmate and best friend.
Ps: I am registered on here because we were actually trying to have a baby, you can imagine the stress I’m going trough knowing that all of this is over.

Thank you very much if you would like to take the time to help me.

Lila

Yeah I understand they are adult actress but still naming something “teenage porn” sounds quite pervy and gross and something made to stimulate sick pedos minds.. to me. It really should be banned. I’m glad you managed to find out at least… today I had my first session with a therapist that helped my brother to successfully get out of depression. I have to admit that I enjoyed the session and felt better after, however I also felt quite demotivated especially when she said that “almost all men cheat anyway” and definitely “all of them lie to some extent”. She said however that apparently the way my ex lied was quite “theatrical” (that’s the word she used) which is quite different than just a normal lie. Means that people who lie this way build many stories around the lies and they do everything to deny. Yeah I am knackered because really the guy treated me so well for 3 years, best friend with me, my brother my family… always the most most supportive in any situation. I just cannot believe he kept on with such lies for so long !!! Therapist said they do this as they’re really really scared of our reaction plus they want to impress us and show us they’re the best… this means showing us a fake person basically. After the conversation with her I don’t know if are there some good loyal trustworthy men out there anymore. She said she has dozens of male clients and all for cheating

She said she has dozens of male clients and all for cheating

But they're in therapy .... there would naturally be more disordered people in therapy than not.

Almost all men don't cheat .. she's a kinda shitty therapist in some ways.

Back on the main topic, there's a lot going on there, but I think many many people would have a problem with a partner who had used prostitutes (esp in a third world country with appalling poverty and social injustice, and terrible exploitation of women and children) and also with a partner who's had hundreds of sexual partners and been extremely promiscuous (and lied about all of it).

They're extremely offputting and many people would not want to make them their ife partner if they knew.

Your instincts were right, you have great instincts.

You can meet someone else.

very disrespectful towards women, calling them with all possible names and sharing nude pictures of them with all his friends. Some of them were also a bit racist.

Oh he's a effin racist as well.

He's a disaster fest, isn't he.

No wonder your spidey senses were going off.

It's all very well a liar saying "the past is the past" and wanting it forgotten. For the person who's been lied to, the hidden truth is fresh and raw, isn't it?

People expect it to be over and done with before their poor partner has even had a chance to process what happened. It's a total empathy failure.

OP, your head works much faster than your heart. Right now, they are out of time with each other, but your heart will soon catch up. You won't go on feeling like this forever, I promise.

“They're extremely offputting and many people would not want to make them their ife partner if they knew.”

Yeah me neither!!!

@NewlyGranny

It's all very well a liar saying "the past is the past" and wanting it forgotten. For the person who's been lied to, the hidden truth is fresh and raw, isn't it?

People expect it to be over and done with before their poor partner has even had a chance to process what happened. It's a total empathy failure.

OP, your head works much faster than your heart. Right now, they are out of time with each other, but your heart will soon catch up. You won't go on feeling like this forever, I promise.

Thank you… I honestly feel terrible.. actually I never felt like this. I always thought that guys who had this kind of past are usually guys who are also players IN the present with you… it’s extremely hard when a guy is just perfect and a best friend and you find out these things from the past and the lies. I promise I would have rather been cheated at least I was sure he was shitty with me IN the present and stop double guessing everything.

@WhiskeyGalore212

very disrespectful towards women, calling them with all possible names and sharing nude pictures of them with all his friends. Some of them were also a bit racist.

Oh he's a effin racist as well.

He's a disaster fest, isn't he.

No wonder your spidey senses were going off.

Yeah let’s say he was the friend who said a racist comment towards a girl my ex had sex with, but my ex didn’t say nothing back. Still kinda racist I guess

Dodging a bullet means you had a lucky scape!

1. The lying is definitively reason enough to leave him. He is just saying what you want to hear to keep you sweet.
2. The drug usage, double reason! No way to get married and have children. The lies would be worst. It will end up in drama, big drama.

Me, personally, I would not judge a person for the number of their decual partners in the past, one night stands or not. I would ask for STI checks, and to be the one and only once in a relationship. But the cheating, and prostitues, that no way. Specially the cheating!

Leave him. Be free! And you will soon have a wonderfull life.

@WhiskeyGalore212

She said she has dozens of male clients and all for cheating

But they're in therapy .... there would naturally be more disordered people in therapy than not.

Almost all men don't cheat .. she's a kinda shitty therapist in some ways.

She literally confused me when she said “did you really leave him just for his past ? All men would do that anyway “ then I said “actually I left him more for the lies than the past!” But still the prostitute is a deal breaker. Well he is still saying it happened once and HE DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE. She surprisingly asked the money to him after sex and he left without paying. I really don’t know if to cry or laugh to these articulate lies he invents

yeah let’s say he was the friend who said a racist comment towards a girl my ex had sex with, but my ex didn’t say nothing back.

Hard to imagine him having much respect or care for sexual partners when he went through hundreds of them.

“did you really leave him just for his past ? All men would do that anyway

All men would use prostitutes in a third world country, have casual sex with hundreds of women, use drugs and cheat?

Okaaay then.

Therapist sounds like a fruitloop.

I abhor lies, it's a unequivocal dealbreaker.

To be honest although he has treated you well, ultimately his past is your dealbreaker. Allow yourself to grieve for a while and then give yourself a big pay on the back for knowing your boundaries.

Many don't.

I don’t think you were appropriate to ask about the number of sexual partners… particularly on a first date. You don’t have any right to that information even if you think you’re not judgemental ( you are by the way) If a man had asked me I doubt I would have seen him a second time. And what were you expecting when you asked if he’d slept with prostitutes? That he was going to admit it to you? Clearly he was going to lie about it. I cannot for the life of me work out why he would have such broadly incriminating conversations on his phone - particularly if his encounters with sex workers was years ago as you said but if he did then he deserved to be dumped for his stupidity. You’re clearly not a good match and he should have identified that from the first date but clearly making good decisions is not his strong point.

@Divebar2021

I don’t think you were appropriate to ask about the number of sexual partners… particularly on a first date. You don’t have any right to that information even if you think you’re not judgemental ( you are by the way) If a man had asked me I doubt I would have seen him a second time. And what were you expecting when you asked if he’d slept with prostitutes? That he was going to admit it to you? Clearly he was going to lie about it. I cannot for the life of me work out why he would have such broadly incriminating conversations on his phone - particularly if his encounters with sex workers was years ago as you said but if he did then he deserved to be dumped for his stupidity. You’re clearly not a good match and he should have identified that from the first date but clearly making good decisions is not his strong point.

Are you a man ? As in 100 comments you are basically the only one who disagrees!

Then you should read better. I haven’t asked the number of sexual partners at the first dates, I asked him how his past experience was more or less! Everyone ask things like that, is to know eachothers and to make conversation. He told me he wasn’t a one night stand person then LATER ON (3 years later) found out he had 400 one night stands at least. Then asked (during first date yes) why he split with the ex told me she cheated on him! This is was a lie as she’s been with someone else just soon after he dump her (he told me later on) but for him he considered that cheating as she didn’t wait enough time. He didn’t tell me that HE actually cheated on her at the beginning of their relationship. He told me “I have never cheated on anyone “ and found out he has cheated many times on the previous ex as well. IF YOU DONT WANT TO DISCLOSE YOUR SEXUAL PAST FINE, BUT AT LEAST DONT LIE ABOUT IT. I am glad to know you’re the only one who would put up with such lies plus a man that use prostitution in a third world country. Well done to you and good luck!

Yeah and especially how much he lied about it.. as I said before if you don’t want to disclose your sexual past fine, but at least don’t massively lie about it

He didn't know she was expecting to be paid until afterwards?! Give me strength. That isn't how sex workers do business. It isn't how anyone does business.

I'm surprised he didn't claim he tripped and fell into her accidentally.

Your therapist's view of men might be a little jaundiced, given her clientele. She's wrong to say that all men cheat.

There are plenty of decent, truthful, faithful loving men out there who make great husbands and fathers. You deserve nothing less.

Concentrate on getting over the ex and feeling strong and happy in your own company first, though. Know your worth before you begin the search.

Any man who things prostitution is ok is a misogynistic pig. Move on and find a decent man more aligned with your values.

@NewlyGranny

He didn't know she was expecting to be paid until afterwards?! Give me strength. That isn't how sex workers do business. It isn't how anyone does business.

I'm surprised he didn't claim he tripped and fell into her accidentally.

Your therapist's view of men might be a little jaundiced, given her clientele. She's wrong to say that all men cheat.

There are plenty of decent, truthful, faithful loving men out there who make great husbands and fathers. You deserve nothing less.

Concentrate on getting over the ex and feeling strong and happy in your own company first, though. Know your worth before you begin the search.

Yes HE DIDN’T know . I know quite ridiculous isn’t he. You know what I am going to give this therapist another chance… she was dozens of good reviews and saved my brother from a terrible depression. Maybe I am wrong (we will see in the next few sessions) but I think she’s playing with me and her method of working may be right.. that’s why I also felt way better after her session. Sorry if I talk a lot and I analyse a lot HENCE why I am a scientist! I think the therapist realised that I have a big fear of being cheated (basically my biggest fear) and I have been traumatised from my dad’s behaviour. I think what she meant is “cheating is very common, you cannot live in the fear of being cheated, you cannot start a relationship already thinking that 100% you’re gonna be cheated, you have to put in your mind that yes this MAY happen as it’s really common, and if that happens you can leave that man and is not the end of the world, because there will be loads of women and men in your exact same position”. Maybe thinking THIS way is the only way I can be more relaxed in a relationship. I don’t know. Just saying! It could be a good way of thinking. I am going to give this therapist another chance as she was also very funny and friendly

Yeah well he always said he was against prostitution that’s the thing. He said who goes with a prostitute is a loser.. then I find out he did. I’m shocked

Wow- I'd find the lie of having slept with 30 people too many let alone hundreds! I wouldn't bother... it's not what he's done but his defensiveness and lying

If I had a past like that I would probably lie about it too. I think a lot of people lie about their sexual past. It’s very off putting and he must of known that and that’s why he didn’t want to tell you. I bet lots of people do stuff in their 20s they’re not proud of i don’t think it defines them. Im a completely different person to how I was in my 20’s.

The questions for me would be . . . is he lying about other stuff? Or is it just the embarrassing sexual past? Can you trust that he’ll be faithful?

If he’s lying about other things and you feel like you can’t trust him to be faithful I think you have done the right thing by ending it.

If you ended it because he lied about his sexual past but has always been good to you then I’m sorry I’m going to be the minority here and say I wouldn’t of ended things.

My current boyfriend has also been on a lads holiday to Thailand before I met him. I don’t ask because I don’t want to know, I’d expect him to lie. I’m sure it was all very innocent lol

@Hawtain86

If I had a past like that I would probably lie about it too. I think a lot of people lie about their sexual past. It’s very off putting and he must of known that and that’s why he didn’t want to tell you. I bet lots of people do stuff in their 20s they’re not proud of i don’t think it defines them. Im a completely different person to how I was in my 20’s.

The questions for me would be . . . is he lying about other stuff? Or is it just the embarrassing sexual past? Can you trust that he’ll be faithful?

If he’s lying about other things and you feel like you can’t trust him to be faithful I think you have done the right thing by ending it.

If you ended it because he lied about his sexual past but has always been good to you then I’m sorry I’m going to be the minority here and say I wouldn’t of ended things.

My current boyfriend has also been on a lads holiday to Thailand before I met him. I don’t ask because I don’t want to know, I’d expect him to lie. I’m sure it was all very innocent lol

Hi! He lied about some presents things too like the occasional cocaine use and very small stuff (example I found out they paid an online stripper for an online stag due, or one time I opened the door of the toilet in the night he got scared took the phone and deleted google history straight away- had the feeling he was watching a porn but who knows - we had massive argument as I would have rather him told me what he was doing). For the rest, I know he’s always been respectful on the present… we had eachothers phone passwords and he never tried to hide the phone from me.. plus in the socials always been respectful never even liked another girl picture or anything. We had a really good connection and we liked all the same things, have the same passions and he always been so caring with me. I know he loves me I always knew, however all his past alone is a massive dealbreaker for me and I would never have dated him if I knew even half of the thing he did. But especially the fact the he kept denying and hiding all these things for 3 years, making me think I was getting crazy, false promises of all sorts.. I just really don’t like a guy who is so dishonest and scared to say things…

About him being faithful in the future, if I have to only look how he was with me I’d say yes, however seeing his past, all the cheating he did (and he doesn’t really seem guilty about that at all) I am worried he is one of those guys with a double personality.. amazing at home then they go out and cheat and come back home all affectionate with the wife again.. REALLY I DONT KNOW. That’s why this breakup is being so hard… I never been so sad in my life !

Last thing .. you said you don’t want to know what your partner did in Thailand. But would you ever marry a man who potentially had sex with a teenager prostitute in Thailand? Because a lot of them are underage there, even if they are not, they’re trafficked and sold since they were children. This is literally very serious, and the thought of being next to a man like this without knowing, is the scariest thought I could ever have.