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Original poster

DH attitude to money

31 replies

MyriadeOfThings · 14/07/2021 12:58

Getting really annoyed with DH regarding money.
He has always been tight with money, unable to plan ahead and refusing to work together on any financial goals/matters.

So we’ve ended up with a weird arrangement money wise where we have a joint account I never use, a CC at his name (and mine) but I never see details. And my own account.

DH had been moaning about money and how tight things are for years. Up to the point im more or less never using our (his) CC for anything as I know he will see the monthly statement and pull a face.
Dcs have learnt this is his reaction too so they are avoiding asking for anything, Incl for stuff they do need.

Now the issue is that it seems that DH is now miraculously able to save about £700 per month since covid started.
I’m irrationally annoyed/angry. Because this has highlighted clearly that the money ‘issues’ there was were all on his shoulders and we could actually buy that pair of trainers for dc1 wo any major issues. (I haven’t changed anything about my own spending anyway….)
Instead DH has just spent years making me feel I’m spending too much/it’s all my fault when actually it’s all down his own hobbies/activities (that just haven’t been happening for the last year or so)

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 14/07/2021 13:16

If you’ve got joint accounts/credit cards then you are legally allowed to get statements or access to the accounts either online, paper or in person so get copies/access and look at the last few months (I wouldn’t tell him what you’re doing btw).

How do things actually work? Do you have joint finances or are they basically separate? Who pays for what, how much do you earn and how much spare money do you each have? I’m going to take a wild guess and suggest you earn less and pay for everything for you and the DC and the odd bill (car, petrol, phone) and have little to nothing leftover and he earns more, pays more bills, never pays for DC related expenses and has stacks of spare cash.

I would go ballistic if my DH said DC couldnt have new shoes. I would be absolutely raging if I then found out he’d saved £10k and was still saying no to new shoes.

I suggest you have a look at your accounts, work out how much is coming in, how much is going out and what any difference is (if there’s a £700 whole each month he’s squirrelling away family money). Once you’ve got some info then you sit down and have a conversation about how things are going to work in the future.

No matter how you do family finances, I have a very low opinion of people who thinks it’s acceptable to deny their DC basic things while they’ve got money to spare.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 14/07/2021 13:17

It maybe me, and call me old fashioned and each relationship is different. But mine and my DH money is the same money. It comes into the same account, and bills go out, we save and spend our money not his or mine.

Lifes too short too count every penny!

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 14/07/2021 13:18

I agree with @lolapusht

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 14/07/2021 13:20

Wow I would not want to have my name on a credit card and not be able to see the spend on it!

You have a legal right to see details of bank/credit accounts your name is against.

Very odd and a big red flag if your OH won’t let you see spending details.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 14/07/2021 13:32

Financial abuse pure and simple. He is not just abusing you but he is abusing your DC as well.

Wombat36 · 14/07/2021 13:36

And he's trained you up not to look & think it's your fault...

Wombat36 · 14/07/2021 13:38

I'd be doing a forensic inspection of the credit card bills going back a couple of years.

Tot up all the spending and how & where it's spent. I'd then have a chat. 😠

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/07/2021 13:40

My guess here is that he is nasty towards you in other ways too; you are not just being financially abused here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you with him given how he has and continues to treat you and in turn your DS?. Would you want your children to behave like dad in their adult relationships?. What are they learning from you two about relationships here?.

Original poster
MyriadeOfThings · 14/07/2021 13:58

I think he has a really weird Relationship with money. He grew up poor and still has this mentality that you can’t spend any money on ‘frivolous things’. He is applying that to himself and is genuinely surprised if I say a top for myself cost £40. He grumbles at the cost of a holiday (never mind that it’s about going back to my own country to see my parents I haven’t seen for a year)

On the other side, he has no idea how to manage money, save ahead of time for a special things (let’s say save ahead for Christmas and birthdays or a hols).

I’ve tried before to sit down with him and go through our spending. He refuses, gets agitated and basically tells me I’m financially controlling him for wanting to know how we are spending money as a family.

Now could I know what is on the CC? Yes by digging the statements in the cupboard. The CC is in his name and I am added to it so I don’t have the ‘right’ to acces it as far as I know. I certainly don’t have access to it online.

OP posts:
Anonapuss · 14/07/2021 14:03

OP is right. There is no such thing as a joint credit card, its his account. She has no rights to the statements. You can get an extra card on your account in someone elses name, but that doesnt give that person access or rights.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/07/2021 14:08

How much have all his activities/hobbies cost your family and not just financially?.

Where do you see your own self in a year's time; still with him?. He is also projecting his own self onto you; its he who is financially controlling here. You have no say in this relationship whatsoever and what about your DC here, what are they learning from the two of you about relationships?.

PermanentTemporary · 14/07/2021 14:13

Blimey. It sounds like you need a specialist financial relationships counsellor! After a very difficult childhood from a financial point of view it is a deal breaker for me to know what is going on with finances, and the more painful the more important it is.

I would be very concerned that his reactions suggest something like a gambling problem. Or at least, totally ignoring the real requirements of children.

ravenmum · 14/07/2021 14:41

My exh would do the frowning and head-shaking when I bought anything "frivolous", too. My new shoes were frivolous, but him spending thousands on some special new GPS map for his car was not.

It cashes in on the sexist stereotype of women as frivolous little fluffy-headed things who splash out on handbags the whole time. That stereotype is a useful tool for men who want to control us financially, as we will deliberately be extra careful with money to avoid those accusations, and we are sensitive to them when they are made.

Wombat36 · 14/07/2021 14:43

I'd be looking at the statements on the qt.

I don't really care if that makes me controlling, he's certainly not worried about that being applied the other way. Having histrionics about it is massively controlling.

I live with someone who is very careful. At some point a line needs to be drawn...

ny20005 · 14/07/2021 15:06

So pre covid, he spent £700 on hobbies & didn't see that as frivolous ??

Growing up being poor does not excuse his dc going without essentials when you can afford them. He's damaging his children & already set them up to have issues with money

That would be a dealbreaker for me. - he needs to address the issues & change

Original poster
MyriadeOfThings · 14/07/2021 15:07

Ds runs a lot. Think 40~50km each week. He knows that after about 800miles he needs to change his shoes. Last time I took him to buy some, he had used them for over 1200 miles, so way over what he should have done. But he didn’t ask because he knows DH will be pulling faces (Hence why I did ask him and took him to buy said shoes).

DH will be doing the same for himself tbf. He won’t change his running shoes unless they have holes/no sole left/ are really hurting his knees.
Thé issue i think is that a lot of the money he spends is ‘invisible’. Like petrol to go to his hobbies that are all about 1 hour away.

I think he really need to but the bullet and go through the whole of the CC statements and see where the gaps are, what’s different.

But yes, I’m angry to have been made to feel bad for buying clothes and trainers for my dcs when the big spendings were left un heckled, unseen and unaccounted for….
And annoyed at myself because, yes, I have been trained into not asking those questions and to work around them. Grrr…

OP posts:
Original poster
MyriadeOfThings · 14/07/2021 15:09

Sorry I meant
I think I need to bite the bullet and go through CC statements.

OP posts:
Wombat36 · 14/07/2021 15:34

Having sore knees is a false economy. Knee replacements do not come quickly or cheaply.

Good luck, definitely have a good ferret through everything.

user1471538283 · 14/07/2021 15:52

I couldnt tolerate this. He will let your DC go without so he can save or spend on himself!

ny20005 · 14/07/2021 16:11

I'm not sure if that's worse. He can't allow money to be spent on kids or his essential needs but pisses it up against a wall without even noticing

ViewFromTheRoof · 14/07/2021 16:25

I grew up poor and I am certainly not like this. I too am an additional card holder on Dh's credit card but I have the log in details so can look online.

We also sit down every year and go through our spending. Not you bought a coffee but more generic this is what we spent on the mortgage, utilities etc. Everything we can pay by credit card we do to get the rewards, it is paid in full every month automatically from our joint account so I can see that amount there too. The yearly meeting has always been positive, not accusatory. It allows us to plan for what we are using savings for in the coming 12 months. It is not controlling in any way, it is an open discussion. I am a SAHM so I am not bringing any money to the pot either but I do most of the spending as I shop for the children.

The fact that your husband's attitude has already affected the children not feeling that they can ask for things is truly sad and maybe eye opening for you too. He clearly has the money.

HappyWipings · 14/07/2021 16:32

So basically , he wants you all to watch your spending so that he doesnt have to think about his , or go to the bother of making and sticking to a budget.

I was married to one like this. It didnt end well.

Original poster
MyriadeOfThings · 14/07/2021 16:43

@ny20005

I'm not sure if that's worse. He can't allow money to be spent on kids or his essential needs but pisses it up against a wall without even noticing
Yep that’s exactly that!
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/07/2021 17:05

Do you wages go into that account op or is it just his wages and the CB etc but shared because you don't work?

LtDansleg · 14/07/2021 17:16

Do you not know how much he earns op? It shouldn’t be too hard to work out how much he has left over after the bills are paid. I’d be going through those statements regardless of whether your names on them or not