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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship anxiety

28 replies

PlainJane12388 · 14/07/2021 12:00

I really need some help! I have terrible relationship anxiety! I'm with a guy I love (9 month relationship) and it's been very bumpy - all my doing unfortunately. I have very low self esteem and I'm constantly questioning his feelings for me.

I was in a 10 year relationship before that was basically sexless and so I'm very over sensitive to any perceived lack of affection or care. For example a few nights ago we were out and I refrained from being touchy feely with him - the result was that he barely touched me all night. I mentioned this and he got defensive and stormed out. To be fair to him every now and again (once a month maybe) I pull him up on something like this- he must be sick of it.

I was feeling low today, we had a chat on the phone and I mentioned I might have to pay a visit to GP. He asked me if I'd ever been on meds before - this upset me. I have opened up to him about previous MH issues and medication however he clearly forgot all about the conversation.

I think I have form for self sabotage. I don't understand if my expectations are reasonable or not. I mostly feel anxious in our relationship but we do love each other and we do have moments of blissful happiness. Part of me just wants to split up so that I can have some relief from these anxieties. I think I'm always looking to him to make me feel good and he just can't (obviously!).

I know I need to work on myself but it's hard to do while my head is being clouded by all of the above. I'm starting to think we would be best off splitting so that I can fully concentrate on improving my self esteem. Is that a good idea? Or am I just fucking up my life (again) by pushing away a lovely person who cares about me?

OP posts:

TedMullins · 14/07/2021 12:09

You would be best splitting to work on yourself and your self esteem and finding the validation you need from within yourself. He can’t fill the hole created by the anxiety - nobody can except you. You can’t recover from this while still embedded in the trigger situation. Also, the whole not listening or remembering you telling him about your MH issues doesn’t sound great, is he really as supportive and lovely as you think?

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 14/07/2021 12:22

Thanks @TedMullins . Oh I think you're right but it's so hard to hear, I do love him. I'm not sure if he's lovely/supportive- I think i have a skewed perception. He's certainly not horrible to me, he listens to me moaning about my insecurities, he tries to offer advice. He is normally affectionate - but I think less so than me. He does do little things that make me doubt his love though. For example I was out with him and a friend - he left early as he was tired and he asked how I would get home, I said probably walk the 30mins back to mine (in middle of night) his response was "ok, that's not too bad". Whereas my friend was v concerned about me walking, booked me a taxi and messaged to check I got home... Not sure if I'm being over sensitive?

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TedMullins · 14/07/2021 12:29

I’m advising this as someone who used to be like you, and thought I loved people who actually weren’t very lovely and supportive at all - their behaviour triggered and increased my anxiety and the more distant they were, the more I desperately tried to get more from them. After almost 2 years of therapy, I can confidently say now that while I definitely did have an unhealthy attachment style and was prone to anxiety, this also conversely led me to be drawn to emotionally unavailable people in some kind of twisted subconscious search for validation. Those people were never the right people for me to be in relationships with - and even now, with my anxiety managed and a completely different outlook on life, love and myself, they still wouldn’t be the right people for me. Every previous relationship was a toxic cycle of perceived abandonment - anxiety - argument - making up. That isn’t healthy and it isn’t love and there is no way I could’ve changed without investing wholly in myself and choosing to be single. When I date now, I gravitate towards completely different people (I’m an extreme example because I also realised I wanted to date women and not men throughout this process!)

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 14/07/2021 12:33

Oh thank you @TedMullins! I'm bi so you never know! may stick to women from now on!

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Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 14/07/2021 13:53

Has anyone any experience of working through these feelings whilst in a relationship? He really is good to me, I think I tend to pick up on any small thing as proof that he doesnt care. The response above makes perfect sense but I feel so despairing now. Can i not keep him? is there any way he could support me through this? I'm sure he'd want to try

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TedMullins · 14/07/2021 14:38

Therapy would always be my first recommendation. Could you suggest couples therapy?

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 14/07/2021 15:29

Thanks @TedMullins I've certainly considered it but not as a couple. He's coming over tonight so I will suggest this to him! X

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TedMullins · 14/07/2021 15:31

Good luck! X

Misty9 · 14/07/2021 16:58

I had similar anxieties in my first post divorce relationship and with his support I did work through some of it. It usually went that I'd feel like he was being quiet or off, so I'd withdraw and then eventually he'd notice and we'd talk about it (always initiated by me though). It helped that he was very securely attached and just withstood my crazy - although he did always say he was calm because he knew it was nothing to do with his behaviour...

In the end I did finish things as I didn't feel enough of an attraction to outweigh the compromises. I'm now in a new relationship and whilst I do feel I've worked through lots of my baggage, I also know I'll always be easily triggered by perceived rejection. It is helping that the guy I'm dating is very clear about how he feels about me so I'm able to challenge any anxieties quickly so far.

I do think that if you're feeling anxious and like you're responding to something not being right, then to listen to that gut instinct is usually the right course of action. Hard though, I know

Misty9 · 14/07/2021 16:59

I'd also recommend the book "Attached" by Levine and Heller. It's all about what you've described.

turtletaub · 14/07/2021 17:13

I'm not saying you should, but I do think it's possible to heal whilst with someone. In my experience - it's on them as to whether that's something they can work through/persevere with whilst you do.
I was in an incredibly damaging relationship in the past that led me to some really awful places, and I put my current partner through absolute hell as a result. Im sure I was a living nightmare to be with for the first year, but he stuck with me. I completely laid myself bare though, told him when I was feeling vulnerable and went to counselling. He was so patient, and I don't think anyone else would have put up with what I put him through. I do think it helped that he knew me whilst I was in the abusive relationship, so had seen what it had done to me over the years and understood why I overreacted to certain things.
I was, and am, incredibly lucky to have found the man I have now. Hes my biggest cheerleader and he wants to build me up. He's seen me at my lowest, my outright craziest, and stuck with me. If your boyfriend js the right guy, it's very possible to work through - BUT - in my experience, a good portion of the decision/effort will be on his part too.

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 06:45

Oh @Misty9 your experience sounds very similar to mine. It's exactly that- perceived lack of attention, withdrawing and then usually me causing an argument or breaking down in tears poor guy is absolutely oblivious to the apparent 'lack' of affection. And actually he is very touchy and affectionate so it must be confusing for him. Thank you for the book recommendation - I will order now!

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Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 06:48

Thanks @turtletaub. He does say often that he's not going anywhere although I do worry I will ruin this and drive him away. I'm also very quick to throw the towel in - I've split up with the poor guy 3 times in 8 months - I'm a nightmare

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Naunet · 15/07/2021 07:38

I think you’re not ready for a relationship and need to get therapy and work on yourself.

he left early as he was tired and he asked how I would get home, I said probably walk the 30mins back to mine (in middle of night) his response was "ok, that's not too bad". Whereas my friend was v concerned about me walking, booked me a taxi and messaged to check I got home... Not sure if I'm being over sensitive?

Can I ask why you behaved like this? You’re a grown woman, capable of getting your own taxi and getting yourself home, but it’s like you want to be babied or rescued and have other people sort this stuff for you. It’s a bit attention seeking-ish. Why say you would walk when you clearly know that wasn’t a good option based on how you feel about his reaction?

Divebar2021 · 15/07/2021 07:46

a few nights ago we were out and I refrained from being touchy feely with him - the result was that he barely touched me all night

Can you clarify what you mean by this because I’m confused. It seems a lot like you test him… with regards this and the taxi situation.

DoorAjar · 15/07/2021 07:51

@Naunet

I think you’re not ready for a relationship and need to get therapy and work on yourself.

Yes, this is a good question.

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 08:59

@Naunet I definitely was testing him at the pub tbh. With my ex I ALWAYS had to initiate physical contact so it's a real worry of mine. I started to notice that I was also often initiating kiss/hugs with my bf so wanted to see what happened if I didn't. I think we all do this when we feel we are putting in more than getting for example withdrawing from cooking/cleaning when we feel an imbalance. Maybe I'm wrong.

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Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 09:02

@Divebar2021 with the walking. I actually walk home at night often. I enjoy it. I wasnt annoyed with bf initially but the difference in reactions between him and my friend did make me question his care for me. I know this is the anxiety here and not particularly healthy reaction. I haven't mentioned my concerns about this example to him. I am categorically NOT an attention seeker. I'm scared that he doesnt love me and that I will lose him

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Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 09:09

I certainly dont want to be babied though! People who know me would laugh at that suggestion.i almost always refuse help with everything, I'm independent to a fault - something I probably need to sort out tbh!

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Misty9 · 15/07/2021 12:54

I can empathise with the need to 'test' @PlainJane12388 but in general it's not a healthy behaviour to engage with. When I notice my desire to test something I try to take a step back, give what I want to give and, if it's early stages, just match their effort. The biggest issue with testing is the other person doesn't know they're being tested. So you can't really infer anything from the outcome.

The best advice I have is to pay attention to how you feel in the relationship. If you feel unsure or anxious, it doesn't mean that your partner is doing anything malicious on purpose, but it does suggest a compatability problem. Whether that's communication expectations or levels of tactileness. Talking it through with them is best. But hard, I know.

TheFoundations · 15/07/2021 14:14

he barely touched me all night. I mentioned this and he got defensive and stormed out

I mentioned I might have to pay a visit to GP. He asked me if I'd ever been on meds before - this upset me

I mostly feel anxious in our relationship

Stop questioning the 'why's. All of the reasons behind these things are this: He is being who he is, and you are being who you are.

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. You can't change or control the way you feel. Nobody can, otherwise everybody would choose who to fall in love with, and we'd all choose to dislike chocolate and love treadmills. All you can do it choose how to respond.

So, you can opt for staying, and trying to change something unchangeable, which will lead you down a never ending spiral of cock-up, fueling your low self esteem to rocket power, or, you can opt for distance between you and anybody that makes you feel this way.

One of the big lessons is that feelings aren't inconveniences to be overcome. They are your heart, your core. They are the truest manifestation of the real, pure you that there is. Pushing aside this core part of you, rejecting it, minimising it, is the basis of your low self esteem, your relationship anxiety, and what you're calling your self sabotage.

I would call your 'self sabotage' 'boundaries'. It's when the real you bursts out uncontrollably and screams 'Get away from me, you're not right for me, I don't like how you make me feel!' or, if she's not doing that, she's sitting feeling depressed in a corner, saying 'What's the point? Nobody ever listens to me...'.

Your feelings are 100% right for you. Your sensitivities are 100% right for you. You can't get these things 'wrong'. There's no objective level of how much you should feel x or feel y. Anybody who loves you will respect your feelings, even if (or especially if) they are a bit more on the sensitive side. You won't feel anxious around the right people. Pretty much the only thing that makes the right people right is that you can be your true self around them and feel good about it. Everything else is peripheral.

Choose your people wisely, and you will find that you will have a much lower level of anxiety in your life. Choose your people by trying to change who you are in order to fit in, and you will feel constantly oppressed, depressed, and anxious.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 16:12

I am categorically NOT an attention seeker.

I think you need to reframe this because the phrase 'attention seeker' perhaps to you is synonymous with someone showing off etc. But you are seeking attention from him that you feel is not met naturally by him. Now that may be because you need more of a particular type of attention (be it physical / words of care / concern etc) than most or a different type of attention - it doesn't mean either you are wrong or he is wrong as such, just that you might be incompatible.

But ask yourself seriously whether it's healthy in any way to be setting up tests for someone you're with in? Either he's a decent bloke but for whatever reason isn't meeting your needs OR he's not a decent bloke and isn't meeting your needs OR he's a decent bloke but you aren't ready for a healthy relationship.

I've been on the receiving end of these kind of tests and it's exhausting and tbh a complete headfuck as it felt I was being set up to fail. I know that's not your intention but just wanted to provide an opinion from the other side.

If someone suggested couples counselling to me after 9 months together it would be a sign for me that the relationship was not a healthy one with legs.

It sounds like you need to try and work on your own boundaries, needs and ability to self regulate / self soothe before being in another relationship I think

TheFoundations · 15/07/2021 17:21

@PlainJane12388

The reason you do everything independently is because you refuse to admit that you want to be cared for like a child. Everyone does, a little bit. Everyone wants somewhere they can curl up and be cuddled when they're feeling tearful or poorly or down.

I'm not suggesting that you, or anybody else, feels that way the majority of the time, but I think that your denial of it is relevant here. That part of you is the part that wants the attention you crave from a partner. Because it's a child, it tantrums when it doesn't get what it wants. That's your self sabotage.

I don't think this comes from having a 10 year relationship without affection; I think the 10 year relationship without affection came from this. This inner child who 'can manage perfectly well by themselves, thank you very much.' If you accepted that you have neediness, like the rest of us, you would have accepted that that relationship wasn't meeting your needs. And then you would have left long before 10 years.

What was your relationship like with your parents? Did you feel listened to and respected as a child? Was it made clear to you that your feelings were important? Did your parents listen to and respect each other?

Original poster

PlainJane12388 · 15/07/2021 17:44

@youvegottenminuteslynn @TheFoundations @misty9 thank you so much, everything you are saying makes perfect sense - it's given me a lot to think about. My mum was very emotionally detached - I guess I do push people away, I don't trust very easily, I crave love - this all makes perfect sense to me.

He came over earlier and I ended things. I believe we love each other but ultimately it's not enough. I'm sad, but overridingly relieved actually. Thank you all x

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Misty9 · 15/07/2021 18:15

@PlainJane12388 well done, it's one thing to recognise it and another to act on it

My mother was/is also emotionally detached and pushed me away. My exh is autistic. I'm drawn to emotionally unavailable partners as its what I know, and am probably emotionally unavailable myself.

A couple of other books I'd highly recommend are: The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine gray, and Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I've also just bought a book about being a child of emotionally immature parents, but I haven't read that yet.

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