Relationship anxiety

[PlainJane12388]

I really need some help! I have terrible relationship anxiety! I'm with a guy I love (9 month relationship) and it's been very bumpy - all my doing unfortunately. I have very low self esteem and I'm constantly questioning his feelings for me.

I was in a 10 year relationship before that was basically sexless and so I'm very over sensitive to any perceived lack of affection or care. For example a few nights ago we were out and I refrained from being touchy feely with him - the result was that he barely touched me all night. I mentioned this and he got defensive and stormed out. To be fair to him every now and again (once a month maybe) I pull him up on something like this- he must be sick of it.

I was feeling low today, we had a chat on the phone and I mentioned I might have to pay a visit to GP. He asked me if I'd ever been on meds before - this upset me. I have opened up to him about previous MH issues and medication however he clearly forgot all about the conversation.

I think I have form for self sabotage. I don't understand if my expectations are reasonable or not. I mostly feel anxious in our relationship but we do love each other and we do have moments of blissful happiness. Part of me just wants to split up so that I can have some relief from these anxieties. I think I'm always looking to him to make me feel good and he just can't (obviously!).

I know I need to work on myself but it's hard to do while my head is being clouded by all of the above. I'm starting to think we would be best off splitting so that I can fully concentrate on improving my self esteem. Is that a good idea? Or am I just fucking up my life (again) by pushing away a lovely person who cares about me?

Well done on being self aware enough to know you have a bit of work to do.

When someone is so insecure that they constantly need reassurance and test those around them, disect behaviour, wait to trip someone up, end up regularly in tears, dump someone several times in a few weeks.... that is really destructive behaviour and will actually create the very thing you're trying to avoid..... the other person walking away.

Whilst I believe that your actions come from a place of insecurity, can you see that they come across as very attention-seeking and drama-queeny? The tears, the questionning, the regular dumping, are very draining for the other person.

Dating should be fun, relaxed, unpressured. When it isn't, it isn't the right relationship - or you simply aren't yet ready for a relationship.

I'm not saying your bf is lovely and you're completely in the wrong by the way. It may be that he isn't right for you or thoughtful enough. But I think until you're in a better place in your head, you won't be able to gauge very successfully what is 'good' / 'normal' behaviour and what is a red flag.

Thanks @misty9 will take a look at those suggestions. @layladomino absolutely! And I'm always very embarrassed afterwards. Although even at the height of emotions I do try and articulate my feelings and do understand I'm behaving irrationally. I just get very upset

The thing is you are aware of it, which I admire. And you're big enough to admit it. We aren't all so aware of ourselves. You know now, so you're in the best place to do something about it.