Should I leave my husband when I still love him?

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Does anyone feel they aren’t themselves anymore?

(My husband and I have been together 10 years. Two children. 6 and 3.)

I know my husband loves me. I love him very much. I love his family, his parents. I know he’d never cheat. He’s a good dad.

BUT. He has been cleverly manipulative for years. I’ve lost who I am. I can’t make my own decisions. I have no say in money, even though I work. I think he gets this from his own dad. (Who I really like)

His parents are together. But I like Look at his mum and I think. This is not the life I want.

He has control over everything in my life. I’ve tried to explain many times that I don’t want the life his mum has. There is almost too much to explain in one post.

He has a gambling addiction. I’ve had no say on finances pretty much since we moved in together. He’s not at all aggressive. But pretty much whatever he says goes.

I was weak when I was younger. I couldn’t see what was happening. But no I realise my life is not my own. It all comes down to what he wants, he gets.

I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a while. I’ve stuck by him through so much because I love him. But that is slowly turning to resentment.

I don’t want to break up my family.
What do I do?

What would happen if you demand control of the finances?

This is something that happens quite frequently. I demand it or I’ll leave. He lets me on to the online banking. I see things that makes us have a huge row and I see all the lies. Then suddenly passwords change. Banks change. He got an IVA recently without me knowing. Or there’s the ridiculous excuse that he’s “bought me a gift”.

I know it’s all crap. But after all this time, it’s like im too scared to break the cycle.xx

What are you scared of? If you force it.

He’s not a ‘good dad’. He’s providing a terrible example to your children as he’s controlling and financially abusive towards you.

Yes, leave, it sounds intolerable.

Go live your own life without being ruled and limited by his dysfunction.

I’m not actually sure what I’m scared of.

I have an amazing family that would support me through anything.

I suppose it’s just the idea of having a “broken family”

My mum and dad split up. Which I know is quite common. But it was hard. I don’t speak to my dad anymore.
I just always thought I’d do whatever it took to keep my family together.

Each time something happens. (Financially) I say this is the last time I’m putting up with this. But then it happens again and I don’t leave.

I think he knows I won’t leave him.

I’ve never been on my own.

There is so much I could write down but it would be pages long.
X

I feel like these comments are what I need to hear. I know I’m being weak. I want someone to tells me this isn’t normal. I can’t tell anyone in my family because I have been protecting him.

You have a choice.

You either take control of your life in this relationship.

Or

You leave this relationship and take control of your life.

If I have an argument/point that makes sense, that he cannot dispute, he gets annoyed.
Like if I say this is ridiculous I can’t deal with this life anymore because of this and this. He can’t come up with an argument for it.
He will cry or beg me to stay. But ultimately nothing changes.
Please. Has anyone had a similar experience?
Can it change?

Why would he change? This way he gets to control you.

It looks pretty damn broken, but you’re trying to hold all the pieces together
Why have you never been on your own, it’s liberating, and you only get to blame yourself if things aren’t great, so can make instant changes as required.
What’s one thing you want to do, and won’t take no for an answer, give him the chance to do it, if not interested, find someone else who is up for it

Your married to a gambling addict that doesn’t allow you to see the state of your finances .He could land you in massive trouble,possibly homeless even .If anyone should have control of the finances it is you and I say that as a man .I think you need a lawyer to separate your finances or leave him

I lived with my family and then lived with my
Husband. I never went to university or travelled, I’ve always been a home bird.

I have never experienced being on my own.
His family (particularly his mum) are so supportive. If I ask advice, I usually go to her. I love her as
Much as my own mum. I feel she knows what I go through. We support each other.

But I’m only 30. I could still experience the independence I crave. I just worry that I won’t cope.

My god, the more I type, the more pathetic I feel.

The crying and begging you to stay is manipulating and gaslighting you. Don't fall for it, he hasn't changed for this long so why would he now? He won't, I'm 99% sure of it, they never do.
The money situation, not only is it controlling, he's basically stealing from you and your children to gamble it away. That's disgusting.
You know all of this though because you've written it in your op and follow up comments.
I know its scary to think you'll be on your own after so long, but it's just about getting used to life without him, and getting used to your new found freedom where you can actually see your own money. Welcome the change, it would be a positive step for you and your DC.

I appreciate your comments. Thank you. It’s everything my gut was telling me. I just need to
Find the courage to do something about it. Thank you

Manipulative
Financially abusive
Emotionally abusive
Gambling addict

He is NOT a good dad. I don't understand why you think he is?

He's a terrible role model who abuses and controls your child's mum aka you.

He's a shit dad, a shit partner and a manipulator.

Start by opening a bank account for yourself and get your work to pay your wages into it.
You do not have to allow him access to this.
Go to citizens advise to ask when can be done about debts he is putting in your name.

You have grown up and woke up.
Time to leave the bastard.

I don't believe you actually love this man. He's horrible on every level, there is nothing to love here. I belive you say you love him to make yourself feel better, to somehow justify why you've wasted so many years with him. You don’t have to keep lying to yourself and you don't have to live this way. Get the hell away from this man before he destroys your life.

You're 30! Do you want to live another 40, 50 years like this? Take control. Your husband can't be trusted with finances, so no more joint account. Go to a bank, set up your own, get your wages and child benefit paid into it. You want control? Take control.

Personally I think you should leave, but I also think that you will not do so until you see his reaction to you taking control of your finances.

He’s a financially abusive gambler. That on its own would have me running for the hills. He is spending your family money, money your children need, on gambling. Get your own bank account for a start and get your salary paid into it. At least then he can’t spend your money. I agree with @pointythings. I’d be making plans to leave. You could have a go at talking things out and telling him what you want, but I suspect he wants you to be his mum and as you don’t want that, you need to think carefully about what you do want longer term.

Your title is misleading
Should you leave this gambling addicted controlling man ?
YES
You don't love him you are dependent on him and he is not a great dad

I suspect you came on here for a bit of a sense check and for moral support.

Keeping the family together is a great thing to do if the parents are both ‘good’ parents, but your husband is a thief: he steals from you and your children. You need to take them away from that situation; your marriage is damaging them.

As many on here who have split will tell you - the long-term gain is well worth the short-term pain.

Gather together all the financial information you can and see a solicitor to ensure you protect yourself as far as you can from his debts.

flowers

Do one small thing. Get your wages paid into an account he has no access to. Start splitting financially. This will help you in the long run, but more importantly his reaction right now will tell you everything.

I’ve recently left after 20+ years of financial control. It will get harder the longer you stay in the relationship.
Please get some outside advice from CAB and also look up

The Freedom Programme

You may find there are one of two other things he does.

I think you’ll cope just fine, I’m sure there are plenty of things you could recall which will show you how strong and capable you really are.
Bringing up kids isn’t the easiest thing to do, but you manage it.
Have you got somewhere you could go at short notice?